Dating as opposed to Marriage

Hi all!

I have a question regarding playmates. Do you and your partner usually seek out play partners who have been married for a reasonable amount of years, or do you also consider those that are not married yet to be good play partners?

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, are fairly young, but have both been interested for a long time and are generally not jealous people, like to have a good time together, and are very secure in our happiness and relationship. We have great communication as well. We feel we are secure enough to swing.

We are worried however, that upon entering this new territory, other couples may not take us serious due to the fact that we aren't married. So I was wondering how the opinions are divided? Would you and your partner give a chance to a dating couple, or only keep it to married couples?

I don't think most people in the lifestyle care very much about the marital status of others. Some couples prefer to play with other couples but I haven't really heard of people caring about others' marital status.

We prefer committed couples, not necessarily those married long term. Our experience is that short term couples tend to be prone to drama. Mrs Doc and I met in our 40's after long marriages and started to explore swinging six months into our relationship. It was hard to tell that we were a relatively new couple since we behaved like the long term married people we had been. People were surprised when we told them we'd been dating for less than a year. 16 years later, damned if we aren't a long term married couple again!!

This is an interesting question. The simple fact is that relationships and partners mature over time. As others have pointed out, long term marrieds become progressively confident in each other and in their relationship. The drama fades because the issues of jealousy (a manifestation of fear of abandonment) and of envy (really, fear of inadequacy) fade. They fade because commitment becomes a given, not something that is questioned by either partner. That emphatically does not mean that the marriage or the partner is taken for granted. Quite the opposite.

The question is, do YOU consider yourselves to be good play partners? What does your play mean to your partner, and vice versa?

Thanks for your honest response!

Of course, there is no way to know for sure besides finding out through experience, but I do think we make good play partners. As for our first experience, we are more so looking to connect with another couple and see where it leads. We aren't interested in full swap as of yet, either soft swap or no swapping at all if you will, more of doing things 'together'.

My boyfriend is really clear about what it means to him. He wants to do this as a couple, and we are both completely interested in doing this. He wants to see me enjoy myself, which brings him joy. I find joy in doing sexual things together with him. I'm personally for example not completely interested in fully swapping and just having sex with another guy, while my boyfriend is having sex with the man's woman. I'd prefer more together-ness. We can both enjoy the girl, or both enjoy the guy, or all together. I don't know if there is a term for this?

But yeah, we are very much on the same level about what we want and are looking for. We know we aren't doing it so much because I or him have a need to go out and fuck other people. It's something we want to do together. We want to fuck other people together and enjoy the experience with one another.

You two seem to be on the same page which may be the most important attribute in our selection process. I doubt that the length of your relationship would inhibit your progress in this hobby.

We started swinging when we were just dating but we were “older” but had no problem with acceptance. Although, when its a guy girl and we learn that they don’t live together, are just dating, we have concerns.

"Committed" is the important word for us. Usually this doesn't mean dating for less than a year, but there isn't a prescribed time period before you reach "committed". You can usually tell if a couple is committed shortly after meeting them (which is why we insist on meeting first before considering any play) in the way they interact and treat each other. Just because a couple isn't married doesn't eliminate playing with them any more than playing with a couple just because they're married. There is a level of commitment that much be achieved first. Some dating couples reach this very quickly while some married couples never achieve this.

Our first rule is "do no harm". We don't want to be the cause of someone's relationship ending. So we watch for things that indicate instability in their relationship. Jealousy is huge. Also, if one or the other is easily annoyed by little things th eir partner does. If that person acts that way in front of us,chances are, their are going to be big fights behind closed doors. Too many things happen in swinging that cause problems for couples like that.

Marital status doesn't matter.

My profile says something along the lines of we're happily married and seek the same in friends and playmates. But the happiness is what we focus on. We certainly aren't expecting people to show us a marriage certificate, so I guess it doesnt really matter. We have backed out from couple's, married and dating who we could tell one of them really wasn't feeling it. For the first time ever for us, we're meeting a couple next weekend with a whole bunch of other 'firsts'- they're close to our age, only engaged. It will simply depend on their relationship and our connection!