Story and scenario as part of swinging: your perspectives?

The lady of a delightful couple we know and date recently offered the comment that appears below. Understanding that the LS means different things to different couples, we are curious as to how this resonates with you..

We haven't been overly impressed with the lifestyle. We have found many people just want to experience someone new, but there is neither emotion, nor bonding, nor scenario. I need the scenario, the approach, and the flirting. You understand. I don't want vanilla with someone new. Doesn't thrill me. I need a story and emotion.

Some will assert that this violates the notion of "NSA sex". Others will counter that it is precisely the story, the scenario, and the accompanying seduction that makes the LS interesting and fun.

What are your thoughts and perspectives? How important is it that you connect with playmates beyond the purely physical level?

We are all products of evolution. Although the females of the species have a built-in desire for multiple partners, they are also wired to take care in selecting the right partners. I believe that this is the impulse your new acquaintance is feeling.

I have known women in the lifestyle who say similar things. One in particular comes to mind. I would see her at a recurrent house party and she told me right from the start that she had to get to know a prospective playmate before feeling comfortable about becoming intimate. I am definitely wired to get into as many women as possible in the briefest span of time so I did not expend time or energy "courting" this woman. So to answer one of your questions, I do not feel that it is important to connect and any level other than the physical.

This choosy woman apparently became "comfortable" by watching my behavior and my interactions with other people and one evening she came to me and said she would like my name on her "dance card". Evolutionary imperatives apparently told her that I would be a suitable partner. After becoming intimate, we did start to connect on other levels.

Interesting question, I think there are as many answers as there are swingers to give answers since this really falls on a continuum.

For us, it's important to connect beyond a purely physical level. We don't need a long time to cross that threshold, evidenced by we have played on the first date several times. A few hours together over drinks was enough to show enough of a connection there to proceed. Some of those playmates have gone on to be our closest friends, while on others, we never saw them again. For the latter group, it's not that there was really anything wrong with the experience. But even though there was enough initial spark to put off the necessary degree of heat and light, there just wasn't enough there to light a steady flame of a long lasting relationship, either as playmates, friends, or both.

I think that hold true outside of swinging too, some people you initially hit it off with, you become lifelong friends, while others you initially hit it off with, things start to quickly fade for no real reason you can put your finger on.

We've been in the talking stages forever and don't participate in the LS but one thing we have agreed on is that there would need to be more than just a physical attraction. We would like to feel as though we were seducing or being seduced by another couple; no way that happens without engaging conversation.

Interesting question, I think there are as many answers as there are swingers to give answers since this really falls on a continuum....

 

...For us, it's important to connect beyond a purely physical level. ...

 

...I think that hold true outside of swinging too, some people you initially hit it off with, you become lifelong friends...

You are surely correct about the continuum. The OP --authentic, by the way, not made up--was intended as a prompt to get a sense of where people fell on that continuum. Perhaps a poll will bring more responses...

We concur about the connection beyond the physical. It might be mood, it might be a fit to a fantasy, it might be that the we feel some inexplicable fondness. Most commonly--and maybe we should not be surprised at this as this was our original attraction to each other many decades ago--there is strong intellectual stimulus, we become interested in "what makes them tick". We will explore this theme somewhere else--why the LS works for "long-term marrieds", specifically precisely why it seems to enhance those relationships.

The emergence of durable friendships from the LS was (when it first happened) a surprise to us. As we have remarked elsewhere, (a few of) our LS friends have become our closest friends. We think that this has to do with shared values along with the fact that no one feels the need to edit desire for fun and pleasure when together, whether it is throwing together a spontaneous meal, fixing drinks, getting naked, and with some frequency doing all three simultaneously.

We have been doing this for several years and have never had any thought about or expectation of finding long term friends through swinging. Certainly, we have discussed that it would be nice and especially when we met 3 couples who were all good friends and had originally met through their local PTA. The thing that caught our attention was after 3 days of watching them at a resort pool, we still couldn’t figure out which man was with which woman. Whether we go to a couples or other sex club, are visiting some place like Desires, are at a house party, meeting someone from SLS, the expectation is for an evening of sex, nothing more. If it turns into a 2nd or 3rd or …. evening of sex, that’s all the better. We have broken “the rules” and had sexual experiences with friends and that has worked well for us; those are the relationships that continue.

For us the best times are with our friends. We connect with them on so many levels. It is more than sex it is fun. We can even joke at the most intimate of times. We are human and there are sometimes bloopers that happen. With friends bloopers are part of the fun. We have been with other couples that are strictly sex. The sex can be great without the connection but the connection is so much better.

John and I have been in a few MFMs, except for a couple which happened on the spur of the moment, all have been with flirting and taken quite a few weeks before proceeding to full blown sex, for us its the planning and the flirting that's tops, the sex act at the end is as they say the icing on the cake, real thick icing if the other man is great in bed, John loves seconds so he is my dessert you could say,

away from this scenario, can any one tell me how I can post a new post,

When we first started down this path, we thought 'what could be better than having friends that we could talk about ANYTHING with...friends that we could be naked with?'. We are all going to have friends, why not try and find REALLY close friends and be able to do and say all the things that we wish we could (but polite society prevents us from doing). We actually have 'both' kinds of friends, but we are now finding that we need to watch what we say to our vanilla friends. It has become natural to talk about how me and Ms. Gold were having sex the other night...but the vanilla friends give us a funny look. Friends are fun, sex is fun, conversations are fun, life is fun. One and done is just not our style, going on almost 7 years of unbelievable fantasies with our closest friends is priceless...