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The catch 22 for new couples... Secure and Confident

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We see a lot of profiles that say they are looking for Secure, Confident couples. For a new couple looking to try out swinging for the first time, while they can be secure and confident in most areas of their lives, wouldn't they have some insecurities and or lack of confidence when trying it out the first time? If one equates this to dating, isn't it normal to have some insecurity (i.e. am I/we good looking enough, what if they don't like me/us, etc). And does insecurity come off as lack of confidence in some respect? If you aren't sure if you will meet the other couple's idea of good looking or attractive, wouldn't that be some form of lack of confidence?

 

We have had online conversations with other couples, but when they say we're not exactly what they are looking for, does that mean neither of us, or one of us, and if so, which one, and what was the reason? We have posed that question to couples before, and it usually just hits the "wall of no response". We have also had it answered, and we didn't curl up in a fetal position on the floor and rock back and forth inconsolably.

 

If the lifestyle is about openness and communication, wouldn't it be a fair question to ask and expect a tactful, honest answer, say like well, while you both are nice looking and have good personalities, she was kind of looking for a taller or more buff, or bald, or etc. etc. or maybe he was looking more for a lady with more curve, bigger/smaller booty, taller, shorter, etc.?

 

We understand not wanting to hurt people's feelings, but if done properly, it can be seen as constructive criticism and an opportunity to improve a new couples chances, if it is something they can change for the next couple(s) they meet.

 

We would think that if a couple expects their potential playmates to have security and confidence, shouldn't they have the security and confidence to provide an open and honest reason for not wanting to go forward? Everyone has their cup of tea, and not everyone likes the same tea.

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You said, "but if done properly, it can be seen as constructive criticism"

 

So you say! There are people who, no matter how you put it, take it as an insult. So the safest, easiest thing to do is say, "No, thank you," and walk away clean.

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Adamgunn - point taken. And yes there are those people out there. We guess an alternative would be to go the "it's not you, it's us" route.

 

Which brings up another potentially interesting topic. Aside from the "no thank you" approach, what are some other ways of saying "no thank you" that people use to provide feedback in a kind and thoughtful way?

 

We did have one experience where we were on the receiving end, and it was very diplomatic and/or kind.

We conversed and swapped pictures for a week or so, and in the end, it was revealed that he wasn't what the lady from the other couple was looking for physically.

 

When asked, what it was she was looking for, they were honest and said "someone a little taller, little more built, kind of a Fabio type guy, regardless of how unrealistic that may be, but with the personality of your guy."

 

He accepted it and was happy, because while he knew he wasn't physically able to meet those requirements, he at least brought something to the table they were looking for. Kind of like batting 500 so to speak, and, by baseball standards that is a pretty good batting average.

 

So it is possible to walk away leaving the other side undamaged at worst, and encouraged/hopeful at best. just takes a little thought and effort perhaps.

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We just ignore messages from couples that don't do it for us, when we started out a few months back we replied to everybody and sure enough when told "no , but thanks for showing an interest" some would want to continue the conversation and ask for our reasoning.

Our replies and theirs went something like this,

 

Mrs just isn't into bald heads

Well she better get used to them cos she's not getting any younger

 

We're not into the heavily tattooed look

That's OK, we don't like saggy tits and beer bellies

 

We're looking for someone closer to our own age.

You clearly have a bob on yourself, we had a lucky escape

 

Etc etc etc

 

That's why we no longer reply, really isn't worth the time or the hassle.

 

Plus what's the point when your reason is sugar coated anyway? I mean what do you say to the couple you rejected because in their photos the house is absolutely filthy?

Or the couple you think are too fat/ugly/hairy?

You're really just opening yourself up to abuse.

 

What I will say though is that online profiles can be unintentionally misleading, we've met couples who's profile we loved and just didn't click in the flesh at all, and also profiles we turned our noses up at who we later bumped into and got on great , they were way more attractive than their photos too. So we place less emphasis on profiles than we did, well , we're placing less emphasis on the whole online thing to be honest, it's a minefield compared to just meeting people in clubs with no pre conceived expectations

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I think, if we approach any potential friends, we should be interested in learning about them, not how they look. One learns about other people by asking questions. As my ol' Pappy used to say, "No man ever learned by talkin'." When we say, "Friends first," we must be willing to learn who they are, how they think, and what they see as fun.

 

The possibility of rejection lessens as one gets to know people.

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By openness and communication, it's about spouses having that with their spouses, not necessarily other people outside of their marriage. People try to be polite. Personally, I don't think I would ask as it puts the recipient of the question in a potential bind and you might not even get a full answer. If it doesn't click for all four of you, it doesn't click. Oh well, move on.

 

As for secure and confident, again I think that's more relative to your marriage than anything. I know my wife and I both had jitters getting into this at first.

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Be secure and confident and go to a club and talk to real people. There is also the 'spent the week' chatting online. Two messages then meet in real life or don't. Nothing online is like meeting in real life.

 

As was said before, meeting online is a mine field.

 

Maybe the other couple doesn't have good communication skills with each other? So she just says 'no' to everybody. Really Fabio...I've met Fabio and my wife has been with better!! Although I would say he is a really nice guy.

 

Good Luck

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Meeting people online is difficult. Most people do not respond. Some just want to toy with no intent to meet. I am amazed we connected with people online at all.

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We see a lot of profiles that say they are looking for Secure, Confident couples.

 

Translated: No drama. Couples that have been around in the L/S for awhile.

 

Unfortunately, new couples can bring drama as they may or may not be on the same page with what they are doing. You will see variations of the same thing in lots of profiles. We have met couples that were obvious train wrecks looking for a place to happen...but we have also met some great couples. Some people just don't want to even bother weeding out the wrecks so they say things like that or drama free or other variations that mean the same thing. If you don't think that you two ARE confident and secure, then you won't contact them (but if you feel you ARE, then do).

 

We have had online conversations with other couples, but when they say we're not exactly what they are looking for, does that mean neither of us, or one of us, and if so, which one, and what was the reason?

 

Who can explain attraction. It doesn't mean anything other than one of them isn't attracted to one of you. It really doesn't mean anything is 'wrong' with you, you just didn't 'click'. It's hard not to take personally, but it isn't personal. Actually, they are doing you a favor in saving both of you time. We have a thing that when we find a (or are found by another) new couple, we only use the pictures and profile to eliminate couples that are just not going to be a match (missing teeth, terrible grammar, vastly different fundamental beliefs, etc.). Otherwise, we usually try to meet them very quickly instead of wasting a ton of time texting/emailing back and forth. You will be able to tell if there is a spark in five minutes in person than an eternity on line. If there is no spark, no amount of rubbing will create one...nothing personal, just the laws of attraction.

 

We find that personalities trump just about everything else. We've met couples that we absolutely loved and thought they felt the same...had a wonderful evening talking to them, felt like we knew each other for years, etc., only to have them say afterwards that they weren't interested in anything else. We could have become great friends, but for someone the attraction was missing. When it has happened we used to wonder what we did wrong, said wrong, dressed wrong...but we later realized that someone was not on board, and that's okay. It really isn't personal and they were doing everyone a favor. This isn't junior high anymore and them telling us they aren't interested IS good communication. The attraction just wasn't there...no way to put a finger on what was missing, but something didn't 'click'. We still had a great evening talking to another couple that was looking for the same thing we were (and it's fun to imagine what they looked like naked). Move on and be thankful you didn't spend a bunch of time with a couple that just wasn't going to work from the start.

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Gotta remember too, some of them may just be pic collectors. Just a male, with the female half not a real person, and they were only talking to you to get photos. Once they get them, they may continue to chat more, to try to get more pictures, but when they realize that is not going to happen, they just say sorry, you don't seem to be right for us and they are gone. They obviously can not give you the real reason. There also seem to be lots of people online who just go online and talk to others for a thrill but, despite what they may say, they have no real intention of ever meeting up with you.

 

Don't take online rejection to heart. We just chalk it up to them being fakes or flakes and move on. Much better luck at the club than online. Our very first experience was actually the first couple we talked to online. However, after that, no luck at all online, despite having conversations with several couples and even moving some over to kik and having ongoing chats. Nothing turned in to a meeting.

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My wife and I who are new at this have just learned to say "no thank you" and leave it at that. Most people don't handle rejection well and can't understand the fact that attractiveness is subjective.

 

The best response I received back was, "you're probably just worried that I can fuck you're wife better than you". Well... the whole point of this is for you to fuck her brains out and make her feel amazing. We would both feel disappointed if you didn't rock her world.

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Your best bet is to go out to events or clubs and meet people in person. Just use the websites to find out what's going on in your area.

 

In my opinion, the online chat is fun for a short time, but mostly a waste of time. If someone says no thanks, just move on. The reason doesn't matter. They are either going to make something up or say something hurtful. It's not going to be something you can change, like we only like button down shirts. Anytime I've thought, "not going to work" it's been stuff like a bad attitude, a feeling that the couple isn't on the same page, unruly facial hair, or being very overweight. We've been rejected for being too young, using condoms and having the same first name as an ex. Finding that out was not helpful at all.

 

For the past few years we have a policy of being welcoming to everyone who contacts us, by just saying we'd love to meet at meet and greet or the club sometime. If someone really struck our fancy, we might agree to have drinks, but that hardly ever happens online. We have much better luck just going out to swinger events and meeting people.

 

Fabio?! That's silly. I have never met anyone in the lifestyle who is only willing to play with someone like Fabio. That is probably just someone fooling around online.

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