The Sum of All Fears...?

One of the more interesting aspects of the lifestyle is that participants bring a fairly unique perspective to relationships and to life in general. Experienced couples, especially older experienced couples, have largely gotten past the twin threats of jealousy and of envy, replacing those with compersion and contentment, respectively. (We hasten to add that those experiences of jealousy and envy are never entirely suppressed, rather that LS couples know them, experience them far less, and are comfortable dealing with them together.)

Jealousy arises from fear of loss or abandonment. Couples in the LS have become comfortable seeing their partners with others knowing that the deep and abiding love they have for one another will not be replaced.

Envy arises from fear of inadequacy. Couples in the LS have become comfortable knowing that someone else will always have some physical, social, intellectual or other attribute that makes them attractive, and are not threatened by that attraction to someone else. They find deep contentment with each other.

If those two fears are largely vanquished, what exactly do couples in the LS worry about vis-a-vis their relationships? Here's a partial list of possibilities, and we curious to know what -- if anything--you fret about.

The possibilities include (but surely are not limited to):

1. Being "found out"--family, vanilla friends, co-workers, employers, whatever.

2. Sexually transmitted infections and their consequences

3. The day that one of you is unable or unwilling to be part of the LS or have LS'ers among your close friends

4. Other adverse effects of the LS on your primary relationship, including loss of affection

We fret a bit about (1) and (2), not at all about (3) or (4).

What bothers you?

I guess I'm not that experienced yet.

Jealousy, I put away long enough ago that I am sometimes confused by TV/movie plots where it features as a major motivator. Envy... envy I definitely still have issues with and yeah, I recognize it as a fear of inadequacy. Oddly, I rarely feel envy concerning my wife. Rather, I tend to feel envy in relation to other partners or potential partners.

I really have no particular fear of being found out (I struggle with the urge to announce my participation in the LS loudly and often ). While we take basic precautions against STIs, or perhaps because we do, I really have no fear of those. Having recently come off a phase of being uninvolved in the LS, that doesn't bother me and if anything the LS has had positive impacts on my marriage. So, no really none of those.

If anything I think my biggest fear if the fear of embarrassment... that worry that I'll say or do something really dumb or out of place and people will look at me like I'm an idiot. Oddly, I can walk up to a beautiful women I've never met before in a swingers club, introduce myself, chat a little and ask if she'd be interested in having sex... but I get nervous talking to the beautiful woman from Marketing in the next cubical about something completely work related.

Great topic, thanks for starting it.

I would say for us the way you have them ranked is right for us, except for #4. I don't think either one of us have worried about that at all, for the reasons you mention in your first two paragraphs. I would replace #4 with Lionheart's "Embarrassment", and maybe even move that one up to #3. Situationally in the moment, it could even be #1.

Mrs. cplnuswing has one friend she has told about our hobby, and her friend's response was that she loved sex and so that sounded great, but she thought she might have a hard time getting past the jealousy and that she knew that the men she seemed to gravitate towards and end up in relationships with for sure couldn't since jealousy was a problem already. Mrs cplnuswing's response to that was "I can understand that, but, we've been together a long time and we know neither one is going anywhere and this is something we do together, not apart, so that trust in our relationship has given us options that wouldn't have been there at the beginning."

We did most of our worrying before we started swinging. Envy, Jealousy, Discovery, STD's and possible loss to a "better" lover were all early concerns. After nearly 15 years, we seemed to have addressed all of our early fears. Because of our careers, we do still worry a bit about discovery by our employer but most of our friends are aware of our hobby and some of our children are as well. I think we were more concerned in our early days with accidental pregnancy than we were with anything else. That ship sailed about 5 years ago so we have really got to the point where we enjoy much but fear nothing. Our only real concerns now are that our interest will wane or we will age to the point where we are no longer attractive potential partners. We have come to accept that both of those things are ultimately beyond our control.

From the perspective of a couple starting out, my biggest fear (the husband) is that my wife's confidence might be negatively affected, I don't think it will but I am fearful of it. I think she is incredibly attractive, but she doesn't rate herself a highly, I am hoping that as we start our adventures she will gain confidence and become more comfortable in her own skin.

I also worry about our first time being too overwhelming lol but it doesn't keep me awake at night, I figure I'll be having a good time whatever happens

Scaredstiff

I know for us personally it's done wonders for my wifes self-esteem. She has so many guys hitting on her now she's a lot more outgoing and confident now

Well, PADOC, if your information and pictures in your profile are current, you have nothing to worry about for quite some time. We are in our (late) 40's and hope we look that good in another 5-10 years.

*chuckles* as everyone rushes to check out PADOC's profile.

An interesting series of responses, thanks to all.

A common thread among those LS couples we spend time with is summed up in a word: "equanimity". The Latin root is æquanimitas or "having an even mind". It is not that they (or we) are somehow free of fears--we all have fears. It is that they (and, we hope, we) have sufficient balance in their lives and strength in one another that there is a balance of acceptance of what cannot be controlled and joy in what can be shared that they achieve a measure of serenity alongside their physical pleasures.

I developed a rather close relationship with one particular male-female pair of playmates. The relationship suddenly ended. That has made me feel vulnerable. I now fear the development of any similarly close relationship. My wife had also developed a relationship with this same couple. Judging from what she tells me, she is either better equipped to handle her feelings or was not as engaged with the relationship as I was.

The relationship suddenly ended. That has made me feel vulnerable. I now fear the development of any similarly close relationship.

I developed a rather close relationship with one particular male-female pair of playmates. The relationship suddenly ended. That has made me feel vulnerable. I now fear the development of any similarly close relationship. My wife had also developed a relationship with this same couple. Judging from what she tells me, she is either better equipped to handle her feelings or was not as engaged with the relationship as I was.

I have experienced this twice and it does get easier with time. I'm sorry it happened to you. It sucks!