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sunbuckus

Wandering eyes, wandering mind

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A couple of other threads reminded of some of the etiquette that I've come across since we began swinging. I'm not sure if I'm just overly sensitive or if it is a sign of ill manners.

 

For example, after a few weeks/months of mutual interest and trying to meet at a party to see if both couples are still interested after physically meeting in person, we finally see if there is a 4-way attraction with a couple. We chat but during this time, the other husband doesn't talk too much but more noticeable is his roving gaze. I cut him some slack that we're at a costume party and perhaps he's checking out all the other costumes but the not-looking-at-me-when-I'm-talking-to-you-thing is bothering me. Perhaps he had a lot on his mind. Perhaps he didn't find me attractive and is in the act of looking for something better. Perhaps a thousand other things. But, honestly, this isn't the only time I've gotten this vibe from other swinger males. Is it really normal to engage in conversation while constantly looking at the surroundings/scene? If I were the paranoid type, I would have thought these men were expecting a hit-mob to burst in and shoot him down!

 

Second situation--men talking about how they've played with other women who had really big breasts/wild in bed/(insert any other sexual trait). Is this just bragging or thinking that it will impress me with their sexual prowess? Nervousness about what to talk about? General clueless-ness about how this sort of talk might come across?

 

For the record, when I talk to someone, I tend to give them as much attention as I can. I do gaze into their eyes a lot but I know that it can make people nervous so I do look away every so often. So, perhaps I'm not used to the other person doing the same for me or I'm just too serious for them! And when I talk to other males, I don't talk about how I've taken a certain cock length/girth or any other statement that can be construed as "This is what I've done, what can you do for me?"

 

Am I just out-of-touch and too sensitive?

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I'm a male, and I can speak fluently to the common faults since I have most of them. Sometimes I find myself bragging, just usually not about sexual things. When I'm honest with myself, it's usually when i'm feeling insecure and I'm impressed with the person I'm talking to. I'm sure some of it is the "What can you do for me." I've gathered that you're an attractive woman and I'm going to bet a lot of them are saying "Gawrsh, I hope she likes me."

 

Maybe I'm just projecting...

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Eye contact is an important indicator. Both JoAnn and I have cast a veto on the basis of "he (she) did not even look into my eyes."

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Sometimes I find myself bragging, just usually not about sexual things. When I'm honest with myself, it's usually when I'm feeling insecure and I'm impressed with the person I'm talking to. I'm sure some of it is the "What can you do for me."

 

Guy, thank you for giving me a perspective I hadn't even considered! It's interesting that a possible insecurity would end up displaying itself in that way. I guess even when it looks like a male is confident, maybe he isn't as much as I think he is.

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Wandering eyes to me would be looking to see if there was a better deal.

 

This is exactly my first impression when someone does this to me.

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This is exactly my first impression when someone does this to me.

 

It's mine too, but that doesn't make it true. Have you tried touching Wandering Eyes Guys to see if that returns their focus to you?

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It's mine too, but that doesn't make it true. Have you tried touching Wandering Eyes Guys to see if that returns their focus to you?

 

Not really. By that point, I'm not interested anyways so I don't want to give them the wrong idea. However, if I ever come across someone that I am interested in and they do this maybe I'll try it out to see what happens. But if they really are looking for a better deal, then I don't want to play with them if they are going to treat me like chopped liver! (No offense to chopped liver, by the way.)

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Who the heck knows what they might be thinking. I might

 

Men get weird in clubs the first few times. I do not know if you have ever been to a peep show or a strip bar. Men there can gaze and stare all they want. Hell they are paying to do just that so they really are not held responsible for treating women poorly When they finally get to go a swinger club they act the only way they know how or have been conditioned to and they stare their asses off. They say.. look at her.. no Look at her secretly hoping to god that that special woman will look back at them, walk over and say. I want you. Can you see where I am going with this. I agree that this behavior is sad. I bet they were scared to death some one would come up to them. Fast forward to you. You are woman sitting across from them that in all likely hood could have sex with them. but, they are conditioned to look not touch or interact with the women on a human level. This is my point. The men where looking at the women like they were meat.. Not just because they are jerks.. They just did not know how to react to the situation. Hell I bet A hundred dollars that they have never been near a woman that was interested in them for sex in a situation like that EVER.

 

What good does you knowing what is going on in their heads do for you? The first Idea that comes to me is trust your instincts and dismiss the men as possible playmates. Under one exception. Which is this. If there is a strong physical connection you could take one under your wing and teach them how to be a man. My advice for the other situation is to get away from them.. I would have liked to have heard that they would ask you for help on what to do because this is their first time there in a situation like this. I did not get any of that from your post. Those men seem stuck in their own minds.

 

Pretty women have that effect on men.. They will sit right next to you and pretend you are not there all the while hoping you notice them. :kissface:

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. . . Under one exception. Which is this. If there is a strong physical connection you could take one under your wing and teach them how to be a man. . .
My wife had occasionally reported to me, "he's teachable." Once it even worked that way.

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This is exactly my first impression when someone does this to me.

 

On the flip side, at a BIG gathering there is a lot going on, and a mind isn't always focused on small talk, so some glancing around doesn't necessarily mean he's shopping.

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On the flip side, at a BIG gathering there is a lot going on, and a mind isn't always focused on small talk, so some glancing around doesn't necessarily mean he's shopping.

 

The thing is that while asking to play they're looking around. Perhaps I only noticed this because I wasn't interested.

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Men are very visual and easily distracted by movement. pretty girls walking by or.....

Women are very relationship orientated and easily distracted by conversation or relationship activities...

 

Aren't you just as guilty by demanding he respond to you with relationship building activities as he is by responding with visual messages of his "fantastic cock"? :lol:

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What good does you knowing what is going on in their heads do for you?

 

I was merely asking to see if this is more of a common male thing to do or not. Personally, I find it disconcerting but if this is how males are then I'll resign myself to accept it.

 

Men are very visual and easily distracted by movement. pretty girls walking by or.....

Women are very relationship orientated and easily distracted by conversation or relationship activities...

 

Aren't you just as guilty by demanding he respond to you with relationship building activities as he is by responding with visual messages of his "fantastic cock"? :lol:

 

I'd like to think that if a woman was talking to me in the same manner (looking at everything but me while chatting with me or saying something that could be construed as "competing") that I would be just as unnerved. However, perhaps women are more likely to look intently at the person that they are speaking with than men are and we're more in tune with how statements can affect the other person. Maybe there is a delicate balance between looking around while chatting with someone and looking at the person who is talking to you. Overall, the point is that, for me, if a male is talking to me but 95% of the time looking at the surrounding scene then I'm not interested and if he really is looking for a better deal then he should move on and stop wasting both of our time.

 

 

 

You know...you all could just tell me that I'm being overly sensitive! :D

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I don't think you're being too sensitive. I think the guy is rude.

 

But at some level I do get where he's coming from.

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I don't think you're being too sensitive. I think the guy is rude.

 

But at some level I do get where he's coming from.

 

I get it, too...but dammit Jim! I'm a human being, not a prime rib steak. If you're going to treat me like a steak, at least respect the piece of meat before eyeing your next rib-eye steak meal!

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An occasional glance around now and then, by male or female, is to be expected, but there have been times when I have noticed this phenom also, and it is annoying. I have seen women do this too BTW, but seems like guys do it the most.

 

I enjoy hearing about other peoples experiences, but yeah, some guys can get into full boast mode and I find that very annoying also - to the point of uncomfortable. That's when I begin thinking "This isn't going to work out" and move on. It sort of depends on the situation and the person, some guys are actually pretty cool when you get to know them but are compulsive goofs. But in a first encounter, its a huge turn off. I think insecurity drives this sort of behavior, but then I have seen obvious social cluelessness drive it also.

 

When I am trying to get to know someone, I expect a minimum of presence. Not only that, but how the heck do I even know what I am doing if I am not present with those around me? The more presence the better actually -which is one of the elements that leads to a hotter time for all if you ask me. Like Woody Allen said: "90 percent of success in life is just showing up." From experience, I tend to think one of the secrets of an unforgettable swinging experience is just being present.

 

So no, I don't think you are being too sensitive.

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I am more bothered by the wandering eyes than the big talk, and I don't think you are being sensitive. I look at it as an easy way to tell this guy is not that interested in playing with me, so I don't feel bad when I cut off the conversation and move on. When I want to play with someone, I can't help but look at him or her.

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You are NOT being too sensitive.

 

There is a theory that people do everything in life for their own self interest. For example, taken to an extreme, you give to charity NOT to help others, but to assuage your guilt or build your ego; you are doing something for someone else, and that makes you feel good which is the end result you sought.

 

The fact that men continue to send couples on a swinging site (C4P, SLS, etc) pictures of their exposed units rather than a face pic or something more discreet or tasteful, and they do it despite numerous warnings on all the websites against that type of thing, makes me think that some people have (a) no sense at all, (b) a death wish in this activity, © or they can't read. It certainly belies the idea that people do things for their own best interests, because a picture of my package accompanied with a phrase like "Let's f**k," doesn't get me into a beautiful, worthwhile woman's bed.

 

Back to the topic(s): one, does the wandering eye mean no interest? Several choices, all of which have been proposed here, and that agree with my opinion: (a) you just met the same guy who sent you that picture and that phrase, (b) the guy is really shy and doesn't know what to do, or © he is shopping. I think (b) is rare, but you can tell. For numbers (a) and ©, your proper response is "NEXT!"

 

Second topic is what comes out of his mouth. If you want to have sex with a stupid misogynist, have at it.

 

Real men will make eye contact and talk to you about you if they are interested. I once asked a man what he thought a person's favorite topic was. He thought a while and offered up, "Politics?" I told him that I thought EVERY person's favorite topic is themselves. I maintain that a man who wants to get in your pants will recognize that and make you feel like the most important, attractive woman in the world. Ever notice that women have known this secret forever? And men are kinda clueless about it, except the best salesmen in the world.

 

One of the things I think women in the LS offer that ought to be adopted by the rest of the women in the world is that they know they are attractive to men. They also know that, except in the rare instance, they are not Hollywood beautiful, they are not in the kind of shape they were in when they were at "x" age, they have a few scars and yet they have demonstrated their ability to attract and choose a man to indulge in intimate activities. Virtually all of them have a man who is their life partner. A man who adores them and believes in them, and that confidence is sooooo attractive to me.

 

You don't have to settle for the wandering eye and the guy who talks about the size of his dick and his prior conquests.

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A couple of other threads reminded of some of the etiquette that I've come across since we began swinging. I'm not sure if I'm just overly sensitive or if it is a sign of ill manners.

 

For example, after a few weeks/months of mutual interest and trying to meet at a party to see if both couples are still interested after physically meeting in person, we finally see if there is a 4-way attraction with a couple. We chat but during this time, the other husband doesn't talk too much but more noticeable is his roving gaze. I cut him some slack that we're at a costume party and perhaps he's checking out all the other costumes but the not-looking-at-me-when-I'm-talking-to-you-thing is bothering me. Perhaps he had a lot on his mind. Perhaps he didn't find me attractive and is in the act of looking for something better. Perhaps a thousand other things. But, honestly, this isn't the only time I've gotten this vibe from other swinger males. Is it really normal to engage in conversation while constantly looking at the surroundings/scene? If I were the paranoid type, I would have thought these men were expecting a hit-mob to burst in and shoot him down!

 

Second situation--men talking about how they've played with other women who had really big breasts/wild in bed/(insert any other sexual trait). Is this just bragging or thinking that it will impress me with their sexual prowess? Nervousness about what to talk about? General clueless-ness about how this sort of talk might come across?

 

For the record, when I talk to someone, I tend to give them as much attention as I can. I do gaze into their eyes a lot but I know that it can make people nervous so I do look away every so often. So, perhaps I'm not used to the other person doing the same for me or I'm just too serious for them! And when I talk to other males, I don't talk about how I've taken a certain cock length/girth or any other statement that can be construed as "This is what I've done, what can you do for me?"

 

Am I just out-of-touch and too sensitive?

 

I completely sympathize and get what you are talking about. I have a swing partner who behaves exactly like this. The oogling other girls and talk about past conquests is so annoying and was really making me feel like chopped liver. Then I came to realize, that's just how he is all the time.

 

Here's the funny thing though. Fucking this guy was amazing, really, really great.

 

And if I ignore the annoying stuff he and his wife are really fun to hang out with. He's great to text with and great in bed.

 

That's the nice thing about swinging, I don't have to put up with him every day. I just get to fuck him once in awhile.

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I'm not a guy, but at parties I do have a hard time staying focused on just one person, even during a conversation. There's just too much stimulation in the room (noise, people moving around, etc). I try really hard not to be obviously roving the room with my eyes, but sometimes it's not easy. I will say that the more uncomfortable I am with someone the more likely my eyes are to roam and try to find an escape.

 

In the end, I say trust your gut and if you feel like they aren't paying you enough attention to deserve your attention, then you are right.

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I have wandering eyes.

I cant help it. I can be standing talking to a woman and can be saying consciously to myself "don't look don't look" but as soon as I start to concentrate on her or the conversation my eyes go "boobies" all by themselves. It is not disrespect. If I could stop them I would.

 

I have the same issue with another woman nearby, And I can be making a conscious effort, but again as soon as I loose that focus and start to engage with the original person my eyes go "boobies" or "Arse" and go by themselves and sometimes cause me embarrassment.

 

I put some of it down to the fact that I am, and need to be, aware of all my surroundings and my eyes do that for me automatically ( I am a leader in an emergency service) but that does not explain, even to me, why my eyes automatically look where they shouldn't.

 

I can say, it is not disrespect, or looking for an upgrade, or trying to be rude, or shopping, and I am aware of how it can and often is interpreted.

 

I am stuck with them. They see good and are clear and are healthy eyes -- with an autopilot.

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I think I'm a lot like that too. One thing I'm taking from this thread is to stay focused next time I'm in this situation.

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