How do we communicate that we need to go slower without offending them?

OK, I have a question for the more experienced couples out there. We have recently met a great couple. They are lots of fun, and the chemistry was instant. We met for drinks, and had a great time. We agreed that we would like to take it further. Here's the dilemma:

This other couple is way more experienced than we are. I'm fine with whatever happens, but the Mrs. needs for it to go a little slower. We have had threesomes before, but this would be our first couple, and she wants to take the time to make sure shes comfortable. I support that 100% because her feelings are the most important thing.

The other couple are full-blown, anything goes type. We really like them, and want to play as much as they do. How is the best way to communicate that we are serious, but need to go slower without offending them or turning them off. there may be a really great friendship there, and we don't want to screw it up. Thanks!!

The other couple are full-blown, anything goes type. We really like them, and want to play as much asthey do. How is the best way to communicate that we are serious, but need to go slower without offending them or turning them off. there may be a really great friendship there, and we don't want to screw it up. thanls!!

If the other couple is worth playing with, they'll understand your need to go slow until you build confidence and experience. One bad experience is all it might take to turn you right off swinging...then NOBODY gets to play.

Just let them know that you're both really looking forward to exploring this new territory with them, but to please understand that if you seem hesitant, it's just because you're feeling out your comfort levels, and that it's nothing to do with them. Attraction to them and willingness to play are not the issue. You just need a little patience.

I have often recommended that newbie couples seek out experienced swingers for their first time out. They act as mentors of sorts, and they are the example you follow. Luckily our first couple was experienced, and their relaxed attitude and well-understood boundaries showed us what was possible for us. They answered our questions and were able to tell us, "Don't worry about that...it's perfectly normal." Needless to say it's important that you trust them.

Best of luck!

Thanks sweetie! You know I always value your advice. That makes sense. They know we are new to this part of the lifestyle, and they have been great with us. I feel for sure that they would be very understanding of our need to feel out comfort levels. I just wasnt sure how to best articulate that. They are fun, and im sure we'll learn a lot in our time with them. I just didn't want them to feel like we are drama waiting to happen just because we needed to go slow at first.

Where there's uncertainty, there's always drama waiting to happen. It can't be helped. I'm sure they understand where you're coming from, having been there at one point themselves. If it were us, I think we would understand completely if a newbie couple sort of put it to us that "This is great and we're totally psyched for this, but we just wanted to let you know that we're going to need to 'wade in' rather than 'dive in'. Be gentle with us... " I'm sure everything will go just fine, and you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.

What makes you think that they won't want to go slow as well? Have they put any kind of inappropriate pressure on you or done anything to suggest that they won't be respectfull of your wishes and boundries? If they have then that is a legitimate issue and something that would need to be resolved before you proceed any farther and if there isn't a 100% resolution to that then they may not be the couple for you after all.

You need to take a real objective look at the situation and determine if you are being pressured by them or if you are just having a normal newbie fear of experienced swingers.

Keep this in mind, just because someone is experienced and have full swapped in the past that does not mean that they are any less patient and respectfull than anyone else. Even the most experienced people are going to be as concerned about comfort and safety as anyone else. The truth is that many people that are more experienced are actually LESS likely to be pressuring and just wanting to jump into the sack with someone. Often times as people become more experienced they learn what their interests are and their comfort levels are and they are less likely to jump into bed untill things are just right.

They may be more confident and more comfortable in a given situation than a newbie and they may be a little more refined at flirting or even making offers but that doesn't mean that they are necessarily going to push you into anything that you are not comfortable with.

I agree with intuition in that it is often best if newbies do have their first experiences with experienced people for those reasons and also because often times newbs may have some trouble getting things started at all and then everyone just kind of sits around staring at each other and watching the paint dry.

So to adequatey answer your question we need to know if they are actually pressuring you and wanting you to go faster than what you are comfortable with or do you just have a fear that they will pressure you?

We have met with one very experienced couple so far. I came in thinking that they would try to move a little too fast for us but my fears were soon out the door within minutes-literally. This was based on the stereotypes you hear so much about around here. They could not have been a more perfect couple considering our naivety. Unless they were a rare exception, I would now tend to think that most experienced couple would understand more than anybody the need to move at your pace. To make sure YOU were ready. They met you , they must like you to want to see you again. Maybe you need to give them more credit than you are. Communicate your concerns and if they are somebody worth playing with then it will fall into place if it was meant to be. In our case, it was just the opposite. I tried moving to too fast without the build up I now know is essential because I thought that was how it was supposed to be done, based on those stereotypes that I fell for. I didn't want them to feel we were not ready. They showed me it doesn't have to be that way and they were much wiser than I. Thank god! So now I know I could trust them without hesitation. Making friends with them was much better than to risk rushing things and making it so awkward that they would never want to see us again as friends or as playmates.

The point is the stereotype is blown out of proportion as most are. But just as with all stereotypes, they may be some truth to them with some couples. But I know now not with all.

Sorry that I wasnt clear about that. No, they are not pressuring us in any way, and I don't think they ever would. They are being just perfect with us. I just know that we need to feel out what is comfortable without just diving in, and I was curious on how to discuss it without them thinking that we are not just as excited or attracted to them. Hope that helps.

We have met with one very experienced couple so far. I came in thinking that they would try to move a little too fast for us but my fears were soon out the door within minutes-literally. This was based on the stereotypes you hear so much about around here. They could not have been a more perfect couple considering our naivety. Unless they were a rare exception, I would now tend to think that most experienced couple would understand more than anybody the need to move at your pace. To make sure YOU were ready. They met you , they must like you to want to see you again. Maybe you need to give them more credit than you are. Communicate your concerns and if they are somebody worth playing with then it will fall into place if it was meant to be. In our case, it was just the opposite. I tried moving to too fast without the build up I now know is essential because I thought that was how it was supposed to be done, based on those stereotypes that I fell for. I didn't want them to feel we were not ready. They showed me it doesn't have to be that way and they were much wiser than I. Thank god! So now I know I could trust them without hesitation. Making friends with them was much better than to risk rushing things and making it so awkward that they would never want to see us again as friends or as playmates.

The point is the stereotype is blown out of proportion as most are. But just as with all stereotypes, they may be some truth to them with some couples. But I know now not with all.

Wow, you made a very good point here. I talked to the other guy, and explained our nervousness, and my wifes need to take it slow. He said not to worry, they would be gentle, and everyone would have a good time. Maybe we are just spazing out like newbies do. We just didnt want to make any dumb mistakes for us or them.

Sorry that I wasnt clear about that. No, they are not pressuring us in any way, and I don't think they ever would. They are being just perfect with us. I just know that we need to feel out what is comfortable without just diving in, and I was curious on how to discuss it without them thinking that we are not just as excited or attracted to them. Hope that helps.

Honestly, I really don't think you need to tell them much at all. Comfort and the right mood is as important to them as it is to you. Every single person thinks the exact same way you do. The only difference is in what it takes to establish that comfort level.

There isn't a female anywhere in the world that just drops her pants and screws everyone that comes along. They went through the same thing when they were newbs and still do to this day. Every single other person that they have ever been with is same way as well. This is a new situation for you and you are unsure of what is going to happen next, it is natural to be a little apprehensive.

If it helps make you feel any better, come up with a list of things that you have no interest in under any circumstances ie animals, fisting, pain, potty games etc and state that. Everything else is just up to the mood of the moment. The real easy way to deal with things is if you are not ready or not interested in something just say so and just don't do it. It is a lot harder to do something than not to do something. If you don't want to just don't do it, it really is that simple.

The real issue here is not the other people, they know what the score is. What is really at issue here is your own apprehension and nervousness over not knowing the future. The real trick is to gain your own confidence and to feel a real sense of empowerment over your own destiny in such a foreign environment. Just keep telling yourselves this, you are a sane, sober (yep, try and stay as sober as possible) consenting adults who are charge of your own sexualities. Noone has any right to expect anything and to ask anything of you that you are not willing to give. Once you give yourself permission to say no anything you are not interested in and give yourself permission to walk away from any situation you do not believe is right you will have the empowerment to walk into any swinging situation without fear.

Thanks iapr. What you've said is exactly it I think. Of course we are just being apprehensive because of the newness of it. All of our threesomes occured as a spur of the moment thing, and we didnt have time to think about it. My wife is all about going with the flow, as am I. I feel sure that once things get going, everything will be fine, and afterward we will wonder what we were nervous about. We'll just relax.

I agree with most of the others, you don't really need to tell them much. If they are experienced, just telling them you are newbies should be enough.

Thanks again for all the input. It's nice to know that we are not the only ones who are excited, but jittery. Like I've said before, this other couple are just wonderful, and have not pressured us in any way. The fact that they still want to play with us even though we lack the experience is very reassuring. We just want to avoid every rookie mistake we can, and not make asses of ourselves with such a wonderful couple.

You know, my big problem was over thinking everything. Should I do, or have done this or that? Next time I'll do this or that. Sound familiar? Sometimes when you try not to make an ass out of yourself, just the opposite happens. Iv' e now come to the realization that if I can't be myself then it isn't worth it. It is an easy hole to fall into but one that is just as easy to get out of. I think you guys will do just fine.

Thanks! I really appreciate it.

A more sensible solution to your situation - and that of future members - is that all newbies (conditionally, of course) have sex with Mrs Spoo and I. Then, you'd no longer be rookies and could comfortably play with whoever you want...

I have applications available...

Spoomonkey

I have applications available...

So how do I get one and when are you doing interviews?

I'm 6' 2", 220 lbs of pure muscle and can go for hours.

I speak French and Italian too.

BTW....I don't really have to have sex with YOU do I?

Well then count us as the first applicants to the Swinger Academy. We are eager to begin our training.

Seriously though, I have been on this board for a while, just trying to learn everything i could until the time came for us to ease in the waters.

wIth very few exceptions, I have greatly enjoyed the many conversations here, and Amy and I have learned a lot. Thanks for all the great advIce. I will be sure to give everyone an update on how it went.

Seriously though, I have been on this board for a while, just trying to learn everything i could until the time came for us to ease in the waters.

I wish we had done that!

Our first experience was a disaster. Had I had this place as a resource before I first eased in (or rather, tumbled headlong into it, poking my face through with a garden hoe before flipping over onto a sheet of frozen alcohol covered with shards of glass - metaphorically speaking) I think things might have gone a whole lot better than they did.

Well - we can't all be smart BEFORE we do something

You two are definitely doing it the right way. Take your time. Our first couple waited eight months for us. And oddly - they flaked out after Go figure. Still - we were very lucky to have found such a patient couple to help us make the "transition".

Spoomonkey

Your fears are well grounded, and if you read around, there's a motto that apply to it: "go at the peace of the slowest involved person". Just make them aware of this concern and allow them, the most experienced ones, to reasure they are up to stick to this motto.

Helping newbies into the fold is a heckofalotta fun. In our club several couples were always ready to mentor new people. It made the transition much easier when only one couple had issues. Once we had helped a couple of newbie couples we could recognize their problems and knew what was an appropriate response. We usually developed a great relationship that lasted for years. The new couple invariably thanked us for being so helpful but Barb and I always felt that we got more out of what could be described as a seduction than they did. A win-win situation.

I think the key to newbies is to be patient and realize that this is not a race. I think they see more experienced lifestylers going at it with confidence and do not realize that we were newbies as well. Just take things slow, there is nothing at all wrong with being a voyeur until you are comfortable. In regards to your first play: I have heard horror stories from newbies where they get with these untra aggressive couples and just do not have fun. I have one friend whos wife walked out on the lifestyle after their first try because she was so upset about how she was treated, and to this day he can't get her to try again. You need to be up front with the couple about the fact that this is your first time, and you are nervous. Feel them out, and do not be afraid to say something if at any time you are uncomfortable!

Shelly

OK, I have a small update for you. I had a long talk on the phone with the female half this week. After about 30 minutes of flirting, we talked about things. The two of them both know we are new, nervous, and need to go slow. She went as far as to say that even if we never felt comfortable moving forward, that we still be great friends, which went a LONG way with my wife. Amy is now starting to flirt with them more, and seems much more at ease.

We are moving forward, taking small, intentional steps, and our sweetheart couple have promised to help us along the way and be as patient as we need. Man, I wish losing my virginity had went like this! Our playdate is Sept. 8 (amy's birthday) I'll be sure to let everyone know how it went.

You two sound excited - your enthusiasm will be one of the significant components of everyone having fun. Give yourself permission to relax and enjoy whatever happens. You trust these folks to not intentionally do anything upsetting to you, so if anything happens to move in a direction you're less comfortable with, they are going to want to know because they want a good time for everyone. Whenever you mention that you don't prefer a certain activity, suggest an alternate activity that you enjoy more.

I wanted to take a few minutes to give everyone an update. The Mrs. went out to lunch this week with the other fem. and came back all giggly. Then something magical happened. She told me, "you know, if we are going to do this, let's do it. I've been thinking back about all the sex we could have had, but didn't." It was a if something "clicked" in her head, and now she is gung-ho and ready to go. I am ecstatic. We are still going to ease our way in and make sure we stay on the same page, but it looks as if the deed is coming soon. We are taking Amy out for her birthday Saturday, so who knows.

It's a beautiful thing when a woman finally opens up to the sexual possibilities available to her.

Wonderful! Now you will see that with her on board and wanting to be here your pleasure will be increased 100 times...there is NOTHING like looking over and seeing your partner is pure exctacy. Its awesome! Remember to have fun, congrats to you!!! Shelly

WOOOOHOOOO!!!!!

We are swinging virgins no more!!!!

We had our playdate last night, and it was more fun than we could have imagined!!! We are hooked!!!!!!!!

I told my wife that since it is now official, she needs the official uniform. We are going shopping for her school-girl outfit this week.

Thank you all for the advice. You were 100% correct about our more experienced couple being patient with us. They were fantastic in more ways than one! As for my wife, she said after the night was over, "Wow, just think how much ass we have passed up in the past. Gues we need to make up for lost time."

I couldn't agree more. Man, we just can't get the evil grins off our faces!!!

:dancenana

A more sensible solution to your situation - and that of future members - is that all newbies (conditionally, of course) have sex with Mrs Spoo and I. Then, you'd no longer be rookies and could comfortably play with whoever you want...

 

I have applications available...

Congratulations!!! We're smiling with you, we went to a little party Friday night and had a great time. Had to wear sunglasses on the way home - her afterglow was so bright