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Lionheart72

Seeking advice on avoiding other people's drama

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Various and sundry circumstances have removed my lady and I from the local swinging scene for the last little while. I would have posted something about it, looking for advice, but I always saw it ending in the words I so often replied to others: talk to her! Well, I finally did. We're sorting things out and edging our way back out to our local clubs... which brings us to the actual topic of my post here.

 

We have two swingers clubs here in our not-all-that-large town, which is at least one more than I think the town can reasonably manage. When the second one opened, there was an annoying amount of drama between the respective owners. Some sort of history, which I never bothered to care much about. Unfortunately, some good friends of ours allowed themselves to get sucked into the drama, taking sides and being part of a whole lot of online snarking and who-knows-how-much real life nastiness. Again, I did my level best not to care, not to take sides, just plain not to play those games. Still, there was one club we liked better than the other, not because of the drama just because we genuinely liked it better. As fate would have it, our friends decided to "swear their allegiance" the other club and got black-listed at the club we go to.

 

Now, missing our friends, I suggested to my lady that we give our friends favored club another try (third time's the charm). Unfortunately, another online snark-fest has started up between our friend and another guy who is a "leader of the in crowd" the this club.

 

Suddenly, I find myself wondering why otherwise mature, level headed men (and women, but in this case men) involved in a lifestyle predicated on open and honest communication find the need to snipe at each other like children... and more importantly, how do I keep from getting mixed up in it without loosing contact with our friends?

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Why do people, however much they might espouse values of openness and honesty, sometimes act like spoilt children? My guess is because we all contain every state we've ever been, like trees have rings, and it doesn't take a whole lot of scraping to find our inner 12 year old.

 

Just keep doing what you're doing, without taking official notice of the sniping. Maybe go out with your friends to places that are currently more vanilla and therefore neutral territory.

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My guess is sooner or later it will die down and maybe even one of the clubs will close. I like Maui's suggestion of staying out of the fray and maybe asking your friends over to your place or out to dinner at a vanilla venue.

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This is America. People love drama at most all levels.

 

Swingers tend to say they don't like drama and want to avoid it but I have found there is at much drama and BS at clubs/parties/events as there is any other place in this country.

 

Hard to state away from it but you don't have to be involved in it. I flat out tell people when they start it that we need to get on to another subject. If they don't like that idea, I get up and walk off. Life is to short to deal with others nonsense.

 

As far as "blacklist", at times as a host it is needed. There are some folks that will come to your parties but normally are loyal to other parties. They will come in bad mouthing you as the host or your guests or what ever. To much negative vibe so you ask them nicely to stop and play well with others. If they don't, you send them packing and advise them they can't come back. You don't need people at your parties that add nothing but drama, it is not fair to the rest of your guests.

 

There are way to many fun people in this Lifestyle. Find them, enjoy them and exclude the others. Really is simple once you apply that attitude.

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Guest sandraandalex

If given the opportunity to be small and petty, humans can rise to that occasion like a Phoenix from the ashes.

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In the same boat as Vegas Lee. As hosts, occasionally it was necessary to "take that final step" of ejecting, or rejecting folks at The Jungle. Sometimes it was due to behavior, sometimes it was blatant (as handing out cards/fliers) advertising or proselytizing for another venue while at our club. We always kept our staff on their toes about such behavior. Most often, it was just a case of "newbies" overdoing the first time alcohol intake, trying to solve nerves.

The sooner they are detected and handled, the smoother thing run for the rest of the guests in the future.

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I have no objection to a club black-listing someone, even my aforementioned friends (though I know for a fact no one ever had a problem with them *at* the club, just with them getting involved in the whole club-feud thing... but I refuse to judge).

 

I do object to petty childish behavior, name calling and finger pointing. I shall continue to endeavor to rise above the fray and just focus on having a safe, responsible, sexy good time with my lady.

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:fblike:

I have no objection to a club black-listing someone, even my aforementioned friends (though I know for a fact no one ever had a problem with them *at* the club, just with them getting involved in the whole club-feud thing... but I refuse to judge).

 

I do object to petty childish behavior, name calling and finger pointing. I shall continue to endeavor to rise above the fray and just focus on having a safe, responsible, sexy good time with my lady.

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It's time to check out, stay away, avoid, disengage, depart, backoff and stand clear. Your best approach is to let the chips fall where they may for your friends and their dispute. Make it a personal policy not to discuss these concerns with those friends that are involved because you risk becomming involved and contributing to the issue. Tell your friends that is your policy and that you prefer not to get involved with the dispute.

 

If your "friends" want to draw you into the fight, then leave those friends. Those are not your friends, they are your potential enemies.

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If given the opportunity to be small and petty, humans can rise to that occasion like a Phoenix from the ashes.

 

And god help you if you slept with them. Then they feel entitled to suck you into the vortex.

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Life is too short for drama and not worth letting others' problems affect your relationship. Is there another neighboring town that has a club where none of those feuding parties attend? I'd head out of town and look for a more peaceful and friendly setting. Likely worth the extra drive.

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I think it's just a power play....either for money or women (or men), but it always comes down to someone wanting control of someone else.....John

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Why do people, however much they might espouse values of openness and honesty, sometimes act like spoilt children? My guess is because we all contain every state we've ever been, like trees have rings, and it doesn't take a whole lot of scraping to find our inner 12 year old.

 

Great visual imagery with that analogy. Nice, and so true. All I'd add is that trees have rings, but also knots and rot. Oh, and sometimes beautiful blossoms!

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We've had a lot of similar drama in our area in the last year or so (for the same reason - too many clubs in one area, IMO). It's not that the area couldn't support more clubs (just maybe not as many as it did and not so many that were so close with almost identical crowds).

 

My advice, go to whatever clubs you want to go to and just stay out of the drama. It sounds like most of the drama, in your area, is happening online. I'd avoid the online areas where the drama occurs and when your friends bring it up (if they do) just tell them that you aren't interested in hearing the gossip. You swing for fun, and not for drama.

 

That said, whenever people get sucked into the drama too much, I do have to wonder about them and about whether or not they are the people I would want to hang out with.

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That said, whenever people get sucked into the drama too much, I do have to wonder about them and about whether or not they are the people I would want to hang out with.

 

Indeed. Funny thing is, they never see they either are the cause of drama, or they look for it and feed off of it, all the while proclaiming their distaste for it.

Luckily, they're easy for the rest of us to spot and avoid.

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If you let the drama in any way affect your choice of where you and your wife go to have fun then you are letting SOMEONE ELSE make the choice for you.

 

What are you committed to? Choose. Then follow that path.

 

Drama is a choice as solid as any other. People choose to allow drama in their life and influence their decisions for ONE reason only. To be a knowing victim. Why? So they can avoid responsibility for life and themselves. Why? So when shit doesn't go their way they are not to blame.

 

Take responsibility for YOUR life and YOUR happiness. Choose the path you WANT. Everything else will fall in place behind YOUR happiness.

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Avoid clubs. Use the swinger sites to meet people.

 

/Han

This little piece of advice, Han, comes from left field. Are you going to give the OP reasons the he and his wife avoiding clubs? Is this advice meant just for him or for all of us?

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This little piece of advice, Han, comes from left field. Are you going to give the OP reasons the he and his wife avoiding clubs? Is this advice meant just for him or for all of us?

 

He presented us the reasons, the club drama. I provided the solution for avoiding club drama.

 

/Han

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He presented us the reasons, the club drama. I provided the solution for avoiding club drama.

 

/Han

 

Never happen. Good out of the box thinking, but never happen. :)

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