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Guest JustAfaintLine

Secrets and Lies: I had a threesome without his knowledge

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Guest JustAfaintLine

Okay. A couple back stories before I get into the meat of the plot.

 

A few years ago, I promised my boyfriend a threesome if a certain goal in his life was met. Well, the goal was indeed met, and I was help to the promise. I had always been bi-curious, and a threesome was a huge fantasy of his. He found a willing and attractive girl to join us, planned this whole evening out around it; and I chickened out. I just sort of felt forced into the situation or something, so I told him at the last minute I didn't want to do it. He wasn't mad or upset, he didn't give me any crap about it, he very graciously let it go.

 

Fast forward to a year ago. I decided to return to school, and move across country. We had been living to together for four years; previous to our relationship, I wasn't sexual active, and we just decided it could be healthy for us to casually see other people. We both felt secure in our love for one another. But he instilled a don't ask don't tell policy, because even though he wanted me to enjoy myself he "didn't want those images in his head."

 

So. Here is the issue. Last month, after an evening of heavy drinking, I had a threesome with my good friend here and her boyfriend. It was completely unprotected, and it happened a week before I was going to see the BF. I knew for certain this girl had unprotected sex with more than one partner, and I can only assume the same about her boyfriend. I know, it was in the top ten dumbest things I have ever done in my life! But it was an enjoyable experience and while I wish I had been more cautious, I don't regret it. Because the possibility existed I could have contracted an STD, I knew I had to tell him. But I totally panicked. Because of his insistence of not knowing about me sleeping with guys, and because of the failed promise of the threesome, I ended up only telling him half the truth. I told him I slept with my girl friend, and didn't mention her boyfriend was also involved.

 

And now I'm not sure what to do about it! I feel like I've lied to him, and it's weighing very heavily on me. But now I feel more afraid to tell him the truth because of the time that has passed. He has a totally different idea about what happened. And maybe that's okay, I mean, he's the one who very adamantly stated he didn't want to think about me having sex with another guy, even if he knows it's probably happening. Under these terms, maybe I did the right thing, and told all he needed to know about the situation, but i get the looming feeling that this will come back to bite me in the ass. I know it would really hurt him to know my first group sex experience didn't include him.

 

Thoughts?

 

(Also, I got screened at Planned Parenthood, and I am all clear! Hurray!)

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Well you have already left yourself an out by telling him you hooked up with your girlfriend, should you end up with an STD. It's up to you if you wish to tell him about the guy since only you know how much you value your relationship with him. Keep in mind that since there already are two other people who know the truth, that is usually two more than is required to be able to keep a secret.

 

I have been in a long term relationship for nearly fifty years and can assure you that I would be a liar if I told anybody that I have no secrets that I am keeping from her.

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I have thoughts, but you may not like what they are.

 

JustAfaintLine said:
We had been living to together for four years; previous to our relationship, I wasn't sexual active, and we just decided it could be healthy for us to casually see other people. We both felt secure in our love for one another. But he instilled a don't ask don't tell policy, because even though he wanted me to enjoy myself he "didn't want those images in his head."

Now, I really don't know what kind of "casual" agreement you both came to, but if he thought you were to "enjoy" yourself, and he "didn't want those images in his head"... did those images include intercourse or just some heavy making out??

 

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So. Here is the issue. Last month, after an evening of heavy drinking,...

Please note that heavy drinking is no excuse for unprotected sex, lying or cheating. :)

 

 

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I knew I had to tell him. But I totally panicked. Because of his insistence of not knowing about me sleeping with guys, and because of the failed promise of the threesome, I ended up only telling him half the truth. I told him I slept with my girl friend, and didn't mention her boyfriend was also involved.

Hmmmm.... panicked... I'm curious to know what you think his response would have been if you'd told him of your threesome? What do you think he might have said?

 

 

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I feel like I've lied to him, and it's weighing very heavily on me.

You did lie to him.

 

 

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Under these terms, maybe I did the right thing, and told all he needed to know about the situation, but i get the looming feeling that this will come back to bite me in the ass. I know it would really hurt him to know my first group sex experience didn't include him.

 

Thoughts?

 

(Also, I got screened at Planned Parenthood, and I am all clear! Hurray!)

 

I know you're hoping to save your own ass here. I don't blame you. I really don't. I'd want to save my ass, too. But... (there's always the 'but' isn't there?) you did lie. Maybe he would be quite animated to know about your threesome and ask how you enjoyed it? He'd love to get the details and realize now that you've had your threesome, maybe you'd be willing to have a threesome with him now? I don't know... but seriously, us swingers (and having a threesome doesn't make one a swinger) don't really condone lying or cheating.

 

I think you already know what you need to do.

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Guest JustAfaintLine
LFM2 said:
I have thoughts, but you may not like what they are.

 

Now, I really don't know what kind of "casual" agreement you both came to, but if he thought you were to "enjoy" yourself, and he "didn't want those images in his head"... did those images include intercourse or just some heavy making out??

 

Please note that heavy drinking is no excuse for unprotected sex, lying or cheating. :)

 

Hmmmm.... panicked... I'm curious to know what you think his response would have been if you'd told him of your threesome? What do you think he might have said?

 

You did lie to him.

 

I know you're hoping to save your own ass here. I don't blame you. I really don't. I'd want to save my ass, too. But... (there's always the 'but' isn't there?) you did lie. Maybe he would be quite animated to know about your threesome and ask how you enjoyed it? He'd love to get the details and realize now that you've had your threesome, maybe you'd be willing to have a threesome with him now? I don't know... but seriously, us swingers (and having a threesome doesn't make one a swinger) don't really condone lying or cheating.

 

I think you already know what you need to do.

 

I couldn't agree more heavy drinking is no excuse. That's part of partaking in such activities, you are responsible for you actions in whatever state you chose to get yourself. It's just kind of the way that it went down.

 

The thing is, I don't feel like I really did anything wrong that was outside of our agreement, other than have unprotected sex which I 'fessed up to. I had to tell him I had sex with the girl, because I was going to see him and I was afraid of intercourse with him until I had been checked out. But for some reason, I was terrified to tell him the whole story. And i guess his policy of not wanting to know, maybe just telling him about the girl would be all he would want me to tell him about it, you know what I mean?

 

I guess I was just hoping someone had been in a similar situation and could tell me how it was handled.

 

I appreciate your thoughts. I guess I thought maybe someone had been in a similar situation,

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I'm a big proponent of brutal honest, but that is because I would rather know where I stand than to be told polite fibs to try and guard my feelings. I can almost always tell when thats going on and my imagination is often far worse than the reality :)

 

In this case you have two choices:

 

1. Tell him the truth now and own up to the fact that you were afraid to tell him the truth before because of your aborted threesome and the fact that he said he didn't want to hear about things. Use it as an opportunity to foster some new open communication between both of you.

 

2. Continue the lie and hope that he never finds out. I think you'll have to avoid a situation where your girlfriend is ever over on her own because I'd put money on him thinking that perhaps a threesome might happen with her.

 

I think there is a good chance he'd be pissed to find out that you had a threesome without him. I think that I would be pissed if you had called off a threesome with me only to have a drunken threesome later on without me. Regardless of what our arrangements might be, that's a bit of a slap in the face to me. I understand that the situation your threesome came up in wasn't a good way for it to come about and I don't blame you for feeling pressured. But I can definitely see why you were hesitant to tell him that part.

 

Honestly, I don't think you guys should be having this kind of an open relationship. I think that if you can't talk openly about it and share some level of your experiences together that he (or both of you) are not emotionally prepared for that kind of situation. Everyone wants a different amount of knowledge about what goes on separately, but the way he worded it shows he's not ready for it at all IMO. I'd be rethinking the situation.

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slevin said:

 

I think there is a good chance he'd be pissed to find out that you had a threesome without him. I think that I would be pissed if you had called off a threesome with me only to have a drunken threesome later on without me. Regardless of what our arrangements might be, that's a bit of a slap in the face to me...

slevin ~ I can't agree with you on this one - which is rare for me since I agree with most everything you say.

 

 

JustAfaintLine ~ The opening post has been stirring up all kinds of thoughts in me and I don't have my reply organized yet, but what the heck, I'm just going to type.

 

First, it makes sense to me that you backed out of the threesome your boyfriend arranaged years ago; you had no input in choosing the woman - from the sounds of it - and both of you need to choose and agree on the person to join you for a threesome. I don't think you should still be feeling guilty about backing out and you certainly don't owe your boyfriend anything. You made a mistake by making a promise of doing something that was impractical, realize this and move on.

 

 

Quote
Honestly, I don't think you guys should be having this kind of an open relationship. I think that if you can't talk openly about it and share some level of your experiences together that he (or both of you) are not emotionally prepared for that kind of situation. Everyone wants a different amount of knowledge about what goes on separately, but the way he worded it shows he's not ready for it at all IMO. I'd be rethinking the situation.

slevin ~ This I wholeheartedly agree with you on.

 

JustAfaintLine ~ My gut tells me that your boyfriend said he didn't want to hear the details of what you do sexually because he is the one that doesn't want to share what he does sexually with others. Had you considered that?

 

You've agreed to each continue having sex with other people, so that would have to mean you can go on dates with other people, so you are free to have sex with anyone you want and not tell the other about it. I don't know why you felt you had to tell him about your girlfriend sex. And condoms can help prevent STD transmission but they don't guarantee it. Did your boyfriend say he would always use condoms with the women he was going to have sex with? Even if he did, he's said he's not going to tell you about his sex experiences with other people, which may include no condoms.

 

I don't see you and your boyfriend at a place where you are committed enough to consider swinging, if you are uncomfortable talking about your sex with others, you're not ready for sex together with other people.

 

You are two single people who lived together once, and now you live miles apart. Who knows what the future holds for the both of you.

 

I say keep your secret to yourself, as your boyfriend requested, if it gets out that you were in a threesome, tell him "yes I was" and go from there.

 

If you think you want to swing with your boyfriend one day, now is the time to learn more about the comfort level and open communication needed before you swing. The Swingers Board is a great resource.

 

Welcome to the Board!

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You shouldn't have said anything.

 

If you leave to go off somewhere, clearly he wasn't woth staying with, so just tell that it is over, or go forward with him.

 

Don't string him along, that just sucks.

 

If you want to see other people, then just go at that.

 

I am all for bringing someone in to the relationship, but it should end there if you really love the person.

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JustAfaintLine said:
Okay. A couple back stories before I get into the meat of the plot.

A few years ago, I promised my boyfriend a threesome if a certain goal in his life was met. Well, the goal was indeed met, and I was help to the promise. I had always been bi-curious, and a threesome was a huge fantasy of his. He found a willing and attractive girl to join us, planned this whole evening out around it; and I chickened out. I just sort of felt forced into the situation or something, so I told him at the last minute I didn't want to do it. He wasn't mad or upset, he didn't give me any crap about it, he very graciously let it go.

 

You had every right to back out if you weren't comfortable with the situation. NO means NO. Nothing for him to give you crap about.

 

Quote
Fast forward to a year ago. I decided to return to school, and move across country. We had been living to together for four years; previous to our relationship, I wasn't sexual active, and we just decided it could be healthy for us to casually see other people. We both felt secure in our love for one another. But he instilled a don't ask don't tell policy, because even though he wanted me to enjoy myself he "didn't want those images in his head."

 

Sounds like ya'll essentially agreed to just "see other people" to me . . . Which is fine, if you call a spade a spade.

 

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But it was an enjoyable experience and while I wish I had been more cautious, I don't regret it. Because the possibility existed I could have contracted an STD, I knew I had to tell him. But I totally panicked. Because of his insistence of not knowing about me sleeping with guys, and because of the failed promise of the threesome, I ended up only telling him half the truth. I told him I slept with my girl friend, and didn't mention her boyfriend was also involved.

And now I'm not sure what to do about it! I feel like I've lied to him, and it's weighing very heavily on me.

 

A lie of omission is still a lie. This situation reminds me a lot of the whole "Ross & Rachel: we-were-on-a-break" (a la Friends) scneario.

 

Are you done with school? Are you planning on moving back to his area? Are you going to be a couple, or are you basically going your separate ways? If you're parting ways, then there's no reason to tell him any more than you did. He knows what he needs to know as far as medical concerns go.

 

If you plan to make a solid go of it as a couple, then you have to decide whether you can live with him not knowing the whole truth. Either way, ya'll have a lot of groundwork to do before ya'll consider swinging together.

 

Best of luck to you,

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Wow, Planned Parenthood is obviously working faster than ever (at least since I worked around there). In any case, honey, you did lie to him. Own up if your conscience won't let you sleep. Other than that, don't worry him with your indiscretions if it isn't necessary.

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Remember you are not telling for his sake but for yours.

 

It is your guilty conscience which is why you want to tell him, to unburden yourself, not that you owe it to him. I know if at some point while we were dating my wife cheated on me, I'd NOT want to know at this point as at best it is neutral, at worst it hurts your relationship.

 

Often confessing an affair is the last selfish act in a string of selfish acts.

 

This is a bit different, he said he didn't want to know, so DON'T TELL HIM.

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slevin ~ I can't agree with you on this one - which is rare for me since I agree with most everything you say.

 

Thanks for that compliment as you were disagreeing with me! Very flattering as I most often agree with you as well! I can definitely understand your disagreement with what I was saying there. I think I worded that statement poorly as well which didn't help things. I definitely agree that I understand why she felt uncomfortable and didn't want to go through with the threesome. It was an uncomfortable approach to making it happen. Nothing wrong with calling it off at all.

 

My point there was that if the situation was uncomfortable then we should talk about it and either decide that a threesome isn't something we want, or figure out how to make it comfortable then go about making it happen. To me, if we didn't do that then she went off and had a threesome with other people I'd be hurt and angry. More because we didn't discuss it and communicate so that we could do that together, but also that she felt more comfortable doing that with other people than she did with me. Also a bit of a situation like if she refused to ever give me a blowjob, but happily gave someone else a blowjob while I wasn't around.

 

Not sure I explained it any better, but I thought I'd elaborate since I didn't feel I conveyed my opinion well.

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I say don't tell him anything more. He requested a "don't ask, don't tell" situation and in my opinion you would therefore not be lying by not saying anything at all.

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He told you he didn't want to hear about you sleeping with other guys right? If so, what's the problem?

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You had a prior agreement with him at his request not to discuss and in lieu of that agreement you decided to begin weaving a web of lies. That was a mistake on your part.

 

If you hadn't said anything about it to begin with, then if in the future he ever asked about anything you did while apart, at that time you'd have a choice to lie or not to lie. But you chose to just go ahead and lie all on your own right now without any conditions.

 

What he doesn't want to know, won't hurt him. That was the decision he made.

 

You should have stuck with it.

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Beyond all of the issues being primarily discussed here, there is also the simple fact that you had unprotected sex with someone who you think may have been having unprotected sex with multiple partners. Lots of alarm bells going off here. We're assuming you are having unprotected sex with your boyfriend. Granted you have a 'don't ask don't tell policy' but just for this reason alone you need to tell him so that he can decide - from a medical perspective - what he wants to do. It sounds as if your conversations need to be more around the rules of your play with other partners when it comes to protected sex. Simply too much at risk here if you are both out playing with multiple partners like that...

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A "don't ask, don't tell" agreement is sure to make the communication vitally necessary for an enduring relationship impossible. A fear of talking to a loved one about any subject at all renders communication inadequate.

 

I believe you and your boyfriend need to talk, talk, talk about everything. Otherwise, the relationship is probably doomed.

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JustAfaintLine said:

(Also, I got screened at Planned Parenthood, and I am all clear! Hurray!)

First of all:

""Most HIV tests are antibody tests that measure the antibodies your body makes against HIV. It can take some time for the immune system to produce enough antibodies for the antibody test to detect and this time period can vary from person to person. This time period is commonly referred to as the “window period”. Most people will develop detectable antibodies within 2 to 8 weeks (the average is 25 days). Even so, there is a chance that some individuals will take longer to develop detectable antibodies. Therefore, if the initial negative HIV test was conducted within the first 3 months after possible exposure, repeat testing should be considered >3 months after the exposure occurred to account for the possibility of a false-negative result. Ninety seven percent will develop antibodies in the first 3 months following the time of their infection. In very rare cases, it can take up to 6 months to develop antibodies to HIV.

 

Another type of test is an RNA test, which detects the HIV virus directly. The time between HIV infection and RNA detection is 9-11 days. These tests, which are more costly and used less often than antibody tests, are used in some parts of the United States.

 

Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has told a half-truth they wish they had not at some time in their life -and that is a tough position to be in. Only you know if your relationship is solid enough to survive you coming clean, but then if it is not.. what is the point?

 

Seems like one thing you are learning is the pitfall of "Don't ask, don't tell." I agree with Alura here - moreover I see a request for that sort of arrangement as a red flag, it has a "take one (or many) for the team" quality to it. It may sound good in theory, but won't work in the real world in the long run, unless it is part of a role play or some fetish or kink... like some sort of cuckold scene. Your story is a classic case of how "Don't ask, don't tell" can backfire. Just don't go there... and good luck whatever you decide to do.

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Guest whammy2000

3 things (and not to be mean) that would literally break me heart if I was your boyfriend. 1.) you flat out lied to me...and every passing second that you dont tell me the truth is another lie. 2.) You actually engage in sex(and are sexually attracted) to scumbag people who just fuck any random person without condoms...they mine as well be sharing needles. 3.) you wouldnt have a threesome with me, the person you love, but would with these two people? It would make me feel like I dont even know you and never had...it would be a rough on my heart. these things arent mistakes...these are choices...and you didnt choose your bf

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slevin said:
Thanks for that compliment as you were disagreeing with me! Very flattering as I most often agree with you as well! I can definitely understand your disagreement with what I was saying there. I think I worded that statement poorly as well which didn't help things. I definitely agree that I understand why she felt uncomfortable and didn't want to go through with the threesome. It was an uncomfortable approach to making it happen. Nothing wrong with calling it off at all.

 

My point there was that if the situation was uncomfortable then we should talk about it and either decide that a threesome isn't something we want, or figure out how to make it comfortable then go about making it happen. To me, if we didn't do that then she went off and had a threesome with other people I'd be hurt and angry. More because we didn't discuss it and communicate so that we could do that together, but also that she felt more comfortable doing that with other people than she did with me. Also a bit of a situation like if she refused to ever give me a blowjob, but happily gave someone else a blowjob while I wasn't around.

 

Not sure I explained it any better, but I thought I'd elaborate since I didn't feel I conveyed my opinion well.

slevin ~ Now that you've said more, I understand what you meant and can see why you would feel hurt.

 

You make a good point that talking things over when they don't go as planned is the first thing that should be done.

 

Had this couple done that, maybe a threesome would have happened long ago once they both understood how to better approach setting it up.

 

Thanks for the elaboration!

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3 things (and not to be mean) that would literally break me heart if I was your boyfriend. 1.) you flat out lied to me...and every passing second that you dont tell me the truth is another lie. 2.) You actually engage in sex(and are sexually attracted) to scumbag people who just fuck any random person without condoms...they mine as well be sharing needles. 3.) you wouldnt have a threesome with me, the person you love, but would with these two people? It would make me feel like I dont even know you and never had...it would be a rough on my heart. these things arent mistakes...these are choices...and you didnt choose your bf

 

When Slevin and LikeMinds are already in on these I usually stay out of them (if you can't add something, why jump in), but I saw this and I had to disagree quite a bit.

 

Whammy, slow down a little bit and take a look at the whole situation. Her original 3some was planned years ago, she didn't have a say in who or when, and she said no. This is her right as a woman and a human being. Yet as time progresses, and she becomes more experienced sexually, she opens up to the prospect, and while they are in an open relationship she tries one on for size.

 

As people we all grow and learn, and we do this constantly. She has grown from then to where she is now. Her question now is since they are in a "don't ask, don't tell" relationship, does she tell him that she did it and liked it or disliked it? While I personally vote yes, she should, because it seems they still see each other when she goes home, that is the issue.

 

Where has she lied? Her boyfriend told her he doesn't want to know what she does, but she has regrets not because she did it, but because it was something they wanted to do together that she had backed out on years before, and now is something that becomes a possibility with them together.

 

As far as the condoms go, she made a mistake. We do this. We learn from our mistakes and that is another way we grow as individuals. I'll put money on it that it will NEVER happen again, especially with the way she handled it and got herself checked out. This too I would reccomend she tell her boyfriend, as it does affect his life as well. Yet with the fact that she has tested clear of anything, it becomes almost a mute point. Still, she should continue to get checked, it's the healthy thing to do anyway.

 

You have to look at these things as people grow. My wife had several girlfriends when she was in highschool, yet by the time we got married she had thought she had outgrown those things. So it wasn't until we'd been married for 5 years before she got back into being with women. People have interests over time, they grow out of them, they come back to them. This is life, and you can't fault someone for not being ready 2 years ago for something they are ready for a year later.

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Easy solution:tell him~ honey, we have this "don't ask don't tell" thing, and I had sex with a woman, maybe you've been with other people...let's do condoms with each other now because we care about each other.

 

Your bigger issue is not using condoms with a guy on a "don't ask, don't tell" open relationship.

 

Save the story, "break up" with the guy, live your life in your city as a grown up, and if you continue fucking your dude, use a condom.

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My .02,

 

Your boyfriend was me circa 1999 or 2000 (so you can tell whats coming).:rollseye:

 

I felt that my (now ex) girlfriend and I had a super secure rock solid relationship. And, she knew that I wanted a threesome, as we had discussed it in length but she said that she didn't find anyone attractive enough or feel safe enough with anyone. Well, she had one with her best friend and her best friend's boyfriend, drunk. (Because drunk is a good excuse)

 

It wasn't so much the fact that she fucked someone else (because I could understand that a little better ) It was "why?" she chose to have a one time affair as a threesome knowing it was, at the time, the ultimate fantasy for me. That still bothers me a little bit :(

 

Its your cross, you fashioned it out of your own choices. You can either carry it for your lifetime, or you can tell him and hope he is a bigger person that hold grudges shorter than myself. Good Luck.

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You could always consider telling him, but softening the blow a little bit before hand. Suprise him with a threesome saturday night, a foursome sunday afternoon, and then tell him about your indiscretion whie he's still all giddy and pumped full of endorphins sunday evening :).

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I was thinking wouldn't it be ironic if she told her BF what she did and the BF said, "Well I have a secret to tell also"....and goes on to tell her that he did also with one of his friends......

 

You know we never know what life will hold for us around the next corner....if you end up telling him, cook him a nice dinner, candles, even get some flowers and an "I love you" card for him.....(Most guys appreciate that kind of stuff even under their macho skin) and then tell him in a loving, caring way what happened. Don't make excuses, take the blame, take the responsibility and deal with the truth.

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      Becca and I both realized pretty quickly that there is a strong physical attraction between the two of us. The sex is effortless and I’ve never fit together with anyone better. After that first night of being together, my wife Angie and Becca’s husband Rob exchanged numbers. Becca asked for my number but I declined, telling her she could just text Angie if she wanted. I don’t normally like to have communication with the women I play with outside of swinging situations. I was not able to get Becca out of my head for the next several days- which is unusual for me. I threw caution to the wind sent her my number via SLS. She texted me a few hours later. Over the next several days we exchanged texts and even spoke on the phone a few times. All with Angie’s knowledge.
       
      We all four got together again a few weeks later-and it was even better than the first time. It was that night that I recognized that I had developed emotional feelings for Becca, and I was pretty sure that she had developed similar feelings for me.
       
      A few days after we were all together the second time I told my wife about my feelings for Becca. I told her I didn’t know if I was getting our sexual chemistry mixed up with emotion but I thought that could be the case. To my surprise Angie did not freak out. She told me she suspected something was up-given the amount of communication between Becca and I. I took a few weeks to sort out my feelings and spent many more hours talking to both Angie and Becca. I realized that I was probably in love with Becca. And I told them both so. Becca told me she feels the same way. This is not the “oh, I’ve just fucked someone new, I hope they like me best” kind of feeling. We’ve both been with other people since we met and it has not cooled our emotions. This is raw, real and deep.
       
      When I told Angie all of this she gave me license to pursue a relationship with Becca and follow it wherever it may lead. I did not ask for this, Angie offered it to me. Angie is secure about our commitment to each other-I am not leaving my wife and Becca and Angie both know that. Becca also has no intention of leaving her husband.
       
      Becca has talked with her husband Rob about us and the feelings we’ve developed for each other. What she has not told him is that she thinks loves me, she does not know how he would react to that (here is the mostly open part that I alluded to in the first paragraph). She has told him our feelings are deep but has not gone into how much we care for each other. Rob is completely comfortable with texts and calls throughout the day, but not with Becca and I meeting without him and Angie there-even for lunch or dinner. I completely understand and respect this. I don’t like it, but I respect it. I suspect if the shoe were on the other foot I would feel the same way. I really genuinely like Rob by the way, he treats both Becca and Angie really well-and he and Angie have really great sex together. Angie has told Rob that it’s just sex between the two of them and Rob feels the same way. They have no other feelings for each other past that.
       
      Becca and I text every day and talk several times a week; I know about her life and children, and she knows about mine. We have similar interests and lives outside of swinging, we are in similar businesses. We have become emotional rocks for each other. I get emotional needs met from her that I do not get from Angie. Again, I have been upfront with Angie about all this and she is fine with it.
       
      So here are my big questions: Do these things really ever work, or are we on the express train to Dramaville?
       
      Is it possible to keep something like this going long term?
       
      How do we navigate the fact that Rob is not comfortable with Becca and I meeting without him around (again, we will not be going against his wishes on this one) and knowing that he and Angie will want to have more variety in their swinging soon, which will leave less opportunity for Becca and I to be together?
       
      Any thoughts from the wise sages on here are welcome. I’m a big boy-if I’ve being naïve about anything please tell me. I can take it.
    • By TricianMike
      New Year’s Eve Swingers Party At Sacramento Hotel Gets Mixed Reaction
       
      You just never know where a party might be. Checking into a Doubletree with a family might be more than you thought it would be.
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    • By lizandtom
      My wife and I have been together for 22 years, married 16 and have always had a good relationship. We've been in the LS for just over 4 years. Our first full swap was 3 1/2 years ago. She hit it off with the other guy great; she described him as a tomcat seeking prey. Apparently she likes a somewhat domineering male. Although I was with his wife 1 or 2 times, I really didn't feel the right chemistry, so that was it for me, with exception of some parties we had where it just worked out that I did her. He had asked my wife to call him after that first time, and they have been in in phone contact ever since, once or twice a week, which I had no problem with because my wife has always been upfront with me about all.
       
      When it was known that his wife wasn't my type, he told my wife not to tell me that they had phoned each other because he didn't want me going into aol chat and telling his wife that they had been in contact. Apparently he kept things from his wife. My wife tells me everything so I said that wasn't cool at all. Nevertheless, after 1 MFM with my wife and him, I wasn't into him telling my wife to keep things from me, and him going behind his wifes back to do as he wanted. My wife was enamored with him and though I expressed my grave concern that he was cheating on his wife, I allowed my wife to get together with him on occasion, like once every few months over the past few years but still saying I didn't like him keeping this a secret from his wife, as its something I never would do.
       
      Fast forward to our local club last month. We were chatting with a couple newly acquainted with us in our off premise club, and they said they knew that other couple (we didn't say anything about my wife being with that guy for the past 3 years occasionally), but the other couple says "we know them, his wife cheated on him a few years back; he found out was pissed and told the other woman and they nearly got divorced over it."
       
      Well that was it. When I heard that drama, I said to my wife "that's VERY uncool, and if relative strangers are knowledgeable about their drama, you will probably become known as the other woman of a cheating spouse, and we'll be blacklisted from our local LS community."
       
      So anyway, last night I said why don't we have 3 couples over Sat night because we've only gone dancing at our local club for the past month but haven't had any playtime. She said great, and that she had planned to go out on Friday night with this guy if ok with me. I said, here I am thinking about something for both of us on Sat., and she already has made plans for herself on Friday for an intimate encounter. So now I'm thinking that she really only goes along with all our playdates to keep me in the game, so I'll allow her to keep on going with this other guy. I called her out on it, and she says she just really likes him, but if I demand it's over then she'll be mopey and dissappointed, but will have to deal with it. Anyway, we talked some more and as a solution I am trying to convince her to convince this guy to get his wife in on it; I'll do his wife to take one for the team (she's actually very foxxy) for my wife to be happy and see the guy, but for her to keep on going with him while he's doing it all behind her back is just not cool with me.
       
      What do you think? Thanks.
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