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  1. #1

    Default Etiquette, morality and legality of a "gifted" couple continuing in the lifestyle

    We met in the lifestyle 18 years ago and married 6 months after our 1st date. We are an exhibitionist couple who enjoy soft swap and always thought of ourselves as being picky. We like spontaneity and anon encounters and rarely share penetration at all and never bareback, we have covered oral probably half the time we have played, mostly when it was anon/dogging/GH. Now we have found ourselves to be "gifted" with both HSV2 and HPV. She has HSV2 symptoms and is now on Valtrex and he has HPV symptoms now removed twice in 6 months. Our primary care Dr is an osteopath who tells us that 60-80% of the population have these viral diseases. We have not played since he "broke out" last Nov, her 1st episode was just after New Years and we are like FUK! The Dr said incubation times are completely variable depending on the person, their stress and hormone levels, etc. After her 3rd outbreak she started "suppression therapy" and has not had one since. He has had bumps burned off twice now and the Dermatologist said its unlikely to return again. We miss going to pervy venues to Exib and play and at some point its gonna happen in a vanilla place. Covered oral is fine with both of us, is that enough of a "sign" or does the consensus feel we should disclose. If we did disclose, then what do you do if they think "nothing" of it? lol It is a serious question and this seems like a good venue. Please let us know.

  2. #2
    Swingers Board Guide SW_PA_Couple's Avatar
    Happily married to a wild woman
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    Default Re: Etiquette, morality and legality of a "gifted" couple continuing in the lifestyle

    HSV2 can be passed by simple skin contact. If I understand correctly what you mean by covered oral, it will not help. You should disclose.
    When you come to a fork in the road, take it!

  3. #3
    Swingers Board Addict njbm's Avatar
    SLS Profile

    Default Re: Etiquette, morality and legality of a "gifted" couple continuing in the lifestyle

  4. #4

    Default Re: Etiquette, morality and legality of a "gifted" couple continuing in the lifestyle

    I'm not a medical professional although we do have several here that maybe will chime in with some expert knowledge, but your osteopath is correct that a surprisingly high percentage would test positive for one or both. Basically, a whole lot of people who think they don't actually do. Testing positive and "having" something are kind of two different things though, and that's where the rub is. For example, I remember as a little kid having oral cold sores, i.e. HSV-1. So, there's a chance I would test positive for that I expect. Does that mean I have herpes? Depends how you look at it, but in my mind, no, and I'm not going to pay money to get tested for something I already know the answer to and I haven't had a symptom of in decades now even though I may still "have" it by some's definition. On the other hand, if I did have an active cold sore, I certainly wouldn't be at the club kissing anyone either. So, right now, I think the answer is a definite yes, you should disclose. 15 years from now and this is all a distant bad memory with absolutely nothing in between now and then, then it gets a little more gray area I think. I'm sure some will disagree with that and that's certainly their right, but at that point, I think you would be in that what I read in one study as the 75-80% (of Americans) that carry either HSV-1 or HSV-2. I can say for a fact that I've not have 75-80% of playmates disclosing anything to me.
    Not all those who wander are lost

  5. #5

    Default Re: Etiquette, morality and legality of a "gifted" couple continuing in the lifestyle

    Denial is a powerful force.

    Honesty is always the best policy. (IMHO)

    I have had HSV-2 since about 1982. I have ALWAYS disclosed (since I confirmed I had it, about 3 years later).

    It was given to me by someone who was clueless they were a carrier. (We were both in our early 20's.) It literally was not till 10 years later (we are still in touch now) that I finally convinced them they were infected. (No telling how may people she infected in that time. I retroactively disclosed, BTW. The list was not long or complicated.)

    So that is a pretty good example of how it happens. I was easily convinced it was nothing to worry about on my 1st / initial outbreak (did not know what it was)... and did not have another outbreak till years later (due to a high stress situation). So I was clueless all that time too.

    These days that kind of information is a lot easier to get.

    Still... I know for a fact that there are folks out there, on Swing sites, and active in the LS, who do not disclose that they are carriers. ... The justification is usually: "I rarely / almost never / been so long since I / have had an outbreak, so it is not an issue."

    Does this sound like a violation of trust? You be the judge. ... Not a good way to start in my view. Because if you do get found out....

    I have been treated like that, and I vowed never to do the same to someone else. It is simply NOT a nice thing to do. Has that put a damper on my play opportunities? You Bet! Undoubtedly I have been passed over for swing opportunities just for advertising that. But at least I can not feel guilty (about that anyway).

    I will say though that I have never (not once) been turned down by a 1-on-1 potential long-term partner, because of my HSV-2 disclosure policy. I explained everything to them, and they said "OK" anyway ('cause I am a nice guy? and fun to be with?) :-D ... And: As far as I know, I have never passed it on to anyone. And I think I would have been informed.

    There is a swing site out there that caters to HSV folks: - A Sex and Swingers Community for Adults with Herpes

    Actually... I discovered this BBS ( about 7 years ago, when I was searching for HSV-2 friendly sites. Just kind of stumbled on it... no doubt due to this being an acceptable topic for discussion here.

    "I ride my bicycle to ride my bicycle."

  6. #6

    Default Re: Etiquette, morality and legality of a "gifted" couple continuing in the lifestyle

    FWIW, and I don't know how common this opinion is, but I don't view HSV-1 and 2 as being different.

    Full disclosure I'm a HSV-1 carrier.

    If I have unprotected oral sex with someone who is HSV negative, I can give them genital HSV. The strain is HSV-1, and some say the outbreaks are likely to be less severe, but at that point I think we're just splitting hairs - they should know that's a risk.

    So I disclose. I tell them I get cold sores, I tell them when my last outbreak was (if I can remember) and I tell them I'm on valacylovir as a prophylactic. But it's their choice whether we proceed. But here's the thing, I also offer options, we can have sex and skip oral, we can use barriers for oral, we can just have hand sex, we can just roll around in various levels of nekkedness.

    I'm not a wham bam kinda guy, if we've got to the point where were talking about being intimate, then I really like them, and I assume they really like me, and we can deal with this like adults.


  7. #7

    Default Re: Etiquette, morality and legality of a "gifted" couple continuing in the lifestyle

    Quote Originally Posted by SW_PA_Couple View Post
    HSV2 can be passed by simple skin contact. If I understand correctly what you mean by covered oral, it will not help. You should disclose.
    ^ This.

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