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  1. #1

    Default Declining to play with a couple who is poly or in an open marriage

    Ok folks … need to ask a question about a couple that we met and almost had relations.

    Here is the story.

    We meet off a board (not this one but a local one) and have chatted a bit via the online system using emails. We exchanged pictures, emails, and then IM’s. So we met the other night for dinner and then drinks. Everything appeared to be a close match. We were close in age, family, backgrounds, lifestyles, and marriage. In the process of talking we even discussed sexual interests and comfort levels. Everything looked good.

    While we were just in general talking about things, something came up that just shot the whole thing down. During the talking, the man stated that he needed to go because his GF was about to come online. And when I asked about GF’? … we found out that he has 2 separate lovers outside their marriage without his wife and she has the same type of arrangement. This is in addition to meeting couples. In fact, they maintain a couple BF/GF lovers that change from time to time per each.

    Both Dusty and I both said … Whoa … wait a minute. The reason why we were even talking to this couple was because they had stated that they were looking for friends first that could become something else. Good that we found out before things ever went anywhere but this couple was very upset with us when we told them that this was a major issue for us.

    So the question is this. Are we being naïve or two-faced in wanting to meet another married couple for both friendship and sex? Are we expecting too much for another couple that is having swinging type lifestyles? This Inside/Outside marriage issue just sent huge warning bells off for us.

    Both of us want to enjoy things but not at expense of our marriage. A major line for us is keeping things together between us. The whole idea of having multiple partners outside of marriage is just too far for us … much less being with a couple that has multiple Girl Friends/Boy Friends … and couple partners.

  2. #2

    Default Its all in what ppls are into

    Everyone has different arrangements between themselves and another set between them and others. Ask and you will find out, it is best to be direct and up front so you don't waste your time. Good luck.

  3. #3

    Default What!

    I say go for it. You have nothing to lose. Is what they do really that much different than what you as a couple do. Not really. Give it a shot.

  4. #4


    Truly, what is the difference in one partner enjoying another partner of another couple?

    When you get together for friendship and then fun, BOTH of you are repeatedly getting together with the other couple, right? Wouldn't that make you boyfriends/girlfriends combined?

    I'd say it's probably pretty much the same scenario, only one party didn't hit it off as well as the other.

    I suppose if I had the opportunity, I'd probably do it, too. Is it really so bad?
    Sonya and Larren
    Management @

  5. #5


    It's probably because I've woken up this morning with a wad of cotton wool in the place where my cognitive centre used to be, but I'm struggling to figure out why your warning bells were set off. Were you hoping to meet a couple that played exclusively with the two of you? Are you worried that this couple might not be discreet with your identities and the fact that they're playing with you? Are you concerned about their moral stance?

    As fun_pairTX said, couples and singles can have different sets of arrangements in place depending on who they're playing with. So unless you feel that you'll be compromised in some way by this couple, why not see how things go? If you share so many compatabilities with them, you may be denying yourself a fine time (though from what you've said, that option might well be gone now).

    At the end of the day, you have the right to choose. If you're that uncomfortable with the idea of playing with them, move on without either regrets or backward glances.
    It's not going to be an orgy. It's a toga party . . .

  6. #6

    Default Further thought

    I can't help but wonder if you had the impression that since they wanted to be friends first with you two, that they weren't already friends with others.

  7. #7


    Ok for a little clarification here...This is Dusty...other half of Fasder couple....This board already had a Dusty registered so I had to choose a different login name...hence the Jessae.
    The post he made was late last night and I see that he really didn't set the whole situation...

    First of's not the couple we had an issue's not the friendship with them we had an issue with...It's NOT even the number of couples they have sex with, being discrete or the many times he asked us where we live and actually tried to follow up to our home after we had met for drinks...(we lost them of course.) Wasn't being paranoid but when they told us what area they lived in and then followed us in the opposite direction from their area into our subdivision we had bells going off.

    What Fasder forgot to mention is this....The Man of the couple has 2 seperate lovers without his wife...he stated She had one lover but was looking for another man because she was tired of the one she had.
    He also stated he really wasn't interested in "same room" or even a couple get together...but would be ok with same room same bed...this is NOT what their profile stated.
    We had been out to dinner with them and then drinks and the entire time all they talked about was wanting 3somes and seperate meetings for Fasder and the woman and the man and I.
    We met them because their profile said "couple"...not "We are looking for single lovers"
    Fasder and I clearly posted we are a "couple" and only meet for "couple" fun...We do not swing alone.
    Well....talking to the man in IM's and after repeated times telling them we were not interested in being "ANYONE'S" single lover he got very upset and just clicked off the IM.
    For me that was fine. I have a lover...he is my husband and soulmate. If I just wanted sex I get enough at home. We had told this couple repeatedly that we didn't fly solo and they just didn't get it.

    So now you know the rest of the story.

    "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"

  8. #8


    I understand, I think The couple fasder met, don't have the same relationship arrangements as they do. They are looking for compatibility and part of that would be similar sexual arrangements and relationships. fasder is looking for a couple, not quadruples.

    Warning bells would go off here, too...... who's to say that fasder won't be asked later on to meet separately, alone, or with any combination of husband, wife, g/f or b/f? After all, that's the other couple's arrangement, arrangements that are far more than what fasder would be comfy with or interested in.

    When you learn all that a couple is interested in, then you decide if it all would work for you. When you take the time to become friends with another couple, there is some investment and a hope it will get better and better each meeting. The couple have a higher 'ceiling' than fasder, and at this point fasder doesn't want to go there, now or eventually.

    Sure fasder can say 'no' if the request is made later on, and then they've set up - subtly for sure, but still there - expectations that they may do more because they've been playing with them. At the very least, it would be an ever present thought in the back of their minds and could end up with fasder needing to restate their boundaries as the relationship grows.

    I think they're right to nip it in the bud.

  9. #9

    Default woops

    .. sorry Dusty....we must have been typing at the same time ....

    Thanks for the clarification

  10. #10


    Thanks Dusty and “Yawanna” – Clearly the other half states things a little better than I in some regards.

    Since I have slept on the subject … I wanted to add the following. Dusty and I have a wonderful relationship for both sex lives and daily things. We want to meet another couple (s) that are close to us in same likes, desires, and goals. The warning bells that went off for us were when we saw that both the male and female of the other couple were not working as a team but separately.

    Maybe a couple more examples will help:

    One of the first things the man asked me was if we were into a threesome. At first, this wasn’t much of an issue because I felt like he was seeking boundary lines. But he returned to this question a least 6 times in different ways asking us if we would be interested in a threesome with him and us. She on the other hand was talking only about getting together with me in another room as she wasn’t really interested in “bi”. And though she had been in threesome and couple situations … she was really interested in one on one sex.

    So when we added everything up … we came to understand that this couple was seeking just an extension of what they had currently. And we were seeking what we had … it was just that we were at difference places. Some of the conversation between us at the end was the type of things that you have with a single person.

    We want to be with another couple that works as a couple like us. Not primarily seeking for threesomes or single type encounters with another couple. Nor as if they were two singles which happen to be a couple. Oh, separate situations are certainly ok given right scenarios but not as the primary reason to get together. The primary reason for us is as a couple seeking couple.

    Hopefully – I have help outline our position better than making things more obtuse.


  11. #11


    It's clear now why your warning bells sounded, and given what you're looking for, we'd agree that you were right to knock things on the head when you did. And we'd encourage anyone that felt they were being pressed beyond their comfort levels - for whatever reason - to call 'time'.
    It's not going to be an orgy. It's a toga party . . .

  12. #12

    Default Oh Ok, the plot thickens


    I wish the facts had all been laid out in the first place, its hell flying blind. I would absolutely have bells going off if someone tried to follow us to our home uninvited. As a matter of fact, down here in Texas, that kind of behavior can get you shot, legally. Drop them both like hot potatoes they sound like bad news at worst and disrespectful at best.

  13. #13


    I wish the facts had all been laid out in the first place, its hell flying blind
    My Bad on this one. In fact, Dusty was telling me last night that I wasn't being clear ... all the while pulling on my arm to come to bed with her. But I was upset with the situation and myself at that point ... and to be honest I truly enjoy this board and feedback I've seen on here. So I wanted to get my thoughts out right away to get some feedback. Thanks to all that posted responses.

    Also want to be fair to other couple. We liked them both as people and a couple. It's sad that things didn't click for us because there was interest there ... it just wasn't the right thing for us. I don't have a problem with couple or whatnot that have GF/BF's along with couple or group encounters. Threesomes or 'one on one's are ok as well. But for us, we like to be together, even if it's in middle of being with another person sexually.

  14. #14


    Had to edit my post after reading the rest of the thread (I really should read the whole thread before I respond...hehe).

    After seeing it all I'm wondering why you took so long to put on the breaks. The following you home thing should have been more than enough, if having them tell you before that that they were looking for something different than you wasn't.

    If he's upset now it's probably only because you let it go on so long that they thought you were up for what they were saying... otherwise why would you keep talking to them if you weren't?

    Whatever the case, cut things off with them and be glad you lost them before they got to your house.
    The Swinger Manual - all the info from the Swingers Board in one convenient book

  15. #15


    Very true Julie. What's crazy is this only happened over a single meeting and couple days talking. We had said that with Holidays, we weren't in position to do anything other than meet or IM chat, which has turned out to be a saving grace for us.

    It's good that things were found out as fast as they did and what's funny is how things have ended up today. We recieved a email which they told us that we weren't opened minded and not really swingers. In fact, he was most upset because Dusty wasn't going to play with him alone ... so I'm sure now that things were being said one way and really meaning another.

    This whole thing has made us both re-consider what we are doing and at least spend a much longer period talking to people before taking any next steps.

  16. #16

    Thumbs down Been there, done that

    Dusty and Fasder, I am sorry you had to go through this. While it's a great thing that you were able to get this information and to not get "lead on" too much, I am sure you are very dissapointed as well, since you stated that you were very compatible in several areas.

    Lora and I had this happen to us about a year ago, where a couple had been in contact with us and everything seemed fine, until they said that they normally "meet" with a couple and then everyone goes their separate ways for the evening, and then we meet back at the end of the night/next morning. (as in, I would go with his wife, and he go with mine).

    After all was said and done, we found out that it was pretty much the same thing you explained. While we actually prefer swinging in seperate rooms, something like this where they had mentioned this was just a little too much for us and the red flags started flying.

    Keep your heads up, you did the exact right thing and your response was natural. You will find those that you will be compatible with you--just give it time, they may show up when you least expect it!!

    And--by our handle, yes we DO believe in friendship and having benefits as well.....*WINK*

    "I can resist everything except for temptation..."

  17. #17

    Default you were bang on at the get go :)

    From your first post here it was clear to us that you had reasonable doubts about this other couple and going further. Mr and I discussed your post and without any further information we surmised that you were right to call a halt to any more meetings......that couple don't play the way you two wish to. End of story. You were right. No need to second guess yourselves.

    Often people have hidden agendas or different ideas about what constitutes 'swinging'. Doesn't make them right or wrong...just reinforces a need to get to know people, as you say, before considering getting intimate.

  18. #18


    Everything else aside, why would you even give the time of day to someone that attempted to follow you home after they had tried to find out where you lived and after you had avoided the answer. (Just as I would until I got to know someone rather well). Even if everything else had been picture-perfect with these people up to that point, that single thing would have first scared the crap out of me, then...made me more than mad.

    As for your establish your own rules and boundaries and people can either agree or not. Because they have different rules, you are not obligated to change yours unless you and your partner decide you really want to. Obviously, as we get to know people and become comfortable, some boundaries change and if nothing else, it is more acceptable to throw new ideas and suggestions out on the table for negotiation. But not at the time of initial contacts.

    Just my thoughts....EBF

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