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  1. #1
    Guest Unregistered's Avatar

    Default Performance issues

    We are a couple who is new to swinging. We have had only a few experiences with couples and each time my husband has had some performance issues. He does not have erectile dysfunction. He can perform with me just fine, even right after an encounter with another couple when we are alone at home. It seems to be something mental, or maybe he's a little self conscious, I'm not sure. This is something we need to address before proceeding any further. He is very frustrated and can't really understand it himself. Does anyone here have experience dealing with something like this? Any help would be much appreciated. Thank you.

  2. #2

    Default Re: Performance issues

    What your husband is experiencing is commonplace. If he is nervous and worried about performing with a new women then it tends to become a self fullfilling prophesy. I have been actively in the lifestyle for 7 years and still get nervous and have problems sometimes with new people although I seldom have a problem with women that I have known for years and am very comfortable with. The only thing I can suggest is to be honest with the new partner. A lot of women are very understanding and don't have a problem with oral if that's what works. If he doesn't spend all his time worrying about it he is less likely to have a problem in the first place. After he has been in the lifestyle for a while he will be more comfortable in general and less likely to have issues. I don't know if Viagra would help or not. It's never really worked for me.

  3. #3
    nothin special socolais's Avatar
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    M. Male - half of a novice swinging couple
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    Default Re: Performance issues

    I understand exactly. I took me a while before I could really relax and just have fun. I think it's just a normal part of the process involved with giving ourselves "permission" to fully enjoy the encounter. I think the biggest thing that helped me was finding ladies that were comfortable talking in bed and letting me know what they wanted and how they wanted it. We started with massage, getting each other relaxed and getting familiar with each other's feedback communication. Positive reinforcement that she truely wanted to be there with me and that we were sexually exciting each other, was a big part of taking my emphasis away from "my performance" and enabling me to enjoy "our interaction".

    I think women have similar issues, it's just easier for them to hide it. A little bit of lube and they're ready to go.

    If a pill or a drink helps with getting in the mood or boosting confidence, then that's ok. But the real answer is in the mind.
    I like her because she smiles at me and means it

  4. #4

    Default Re: Performance issues

    I can certainly identify with your husband. That's happened to me, and boy I feel terrible (mostly for the other people) when it does.

    For me, pills are not a sure thing. When I discussed that with my doctor, he prescribed some injections. When he first told me that all I had to do was to sink this little needle all the way in to my cock at mid-shaft, I was ready to swear off sex for ever.

    As with many of my "solid resolutions" (loose weight, clear the yard, write a book, etc.) I weakened, and it actually worked.

    Initially, the whole idea of sticking a needle in my prick was enough to make sure I didn't have an erection. But I took the stuff (needle, bottle of white powder, saline mixer, alcohol pad, and a lot of fear) to the bathroom and played "drug addict". With a real aching cock still smelling like the disinfecting alcohol, I decided to turn on the TV so I wouldn't disturb anyone with my just lurking (as if anyone would notice).

    I don't know if it was the drug, the sounds I was hearing, the excitement I got from the occasional "peeking" at what the others were doing, etc. but before long, I found my trusty right hand wrapped around one of the finest pulsating erections I'd had in days.

    I'm certainly not a doctor so I can't prescribe, but from what you say, your husband situation is definitely curable and you may want to discuss it with your physician.

    For me, the only problem was that the erection wouldn't go away. Some people thought that was fabulous (and it was to a point), but after a while, it became painful, and I became tired. Now that I think about it, that could be a great way to work off these "love handles". --- Any ladies up for a ritual of daily "morning exercise" until I get in shape?

    What I've since discovered, is that the duration of the erection depends on how much of the stuff gets injected. All my life, I suffered from that "If a little is good, more is better" syndrome; and, that's NOT a good thing in this situation. However, as was noted on another forum, taking an antihistamine is one way to kill an erection.

    I'd be interested in hearing how it works out for you husband, and I realize medication is just a temporary "patch" which is probably all that's needed. From what I'm told, this is a real common problem, especially among men who were subjected to Christianity (particularly Catholicism or fundamentalists beliefs) as children [And, I do NOT claim any expertise on that!!]

  5. #5

    Default Re: Performance issues

    Been there unregistered. Your husband is most probably suffering from anxiety and over-thinking. He is probably a very considerate man who thinks of others rather than himself. Hence, he wants to please but isn't sure he can as his impression of other men in the lifestyle is that they are sexual supermen of sorts and the women as expecting that. That added to the normal pride and expectation men place on themselves equals too much pressure and anxiety to perform.

    He may also find the notion of sport sex unappealing - he may prefer to get to know the person first and develop a degree of liking and trust. That was the case with me. I still don't do well with textbook swinging (sport sex). For me, to be able to relax with a person I must develop a degree of liking and trust (I refer to as poly-lite). If that is the case he needs to be reminded that it's not just a ladies prerogative to say no (politely) if a situation is not to his tastes.

    The final possibility is that swinging is not for him. If you feel it is for you and he is OK with that then consider simply opening your marriage and giving each other the freedom to play individually, or not. As my wife is more the pure swinger type and I lean more poly-lite, we have combined this approach so she can have the greater degree of sporting activity she prefers and I can limit myself to situations where I feel comfortable.

  6. #6
    Luv seeing friends quiver two42lovers's Avatar
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    Default Re: Performance issues

    Having trouble getting it up with people other than your spouse is a common problem - especially when swinging is new. Get some viagra or cialis - it could help a lot. After getting some more experience, it's very likely he won't need it anymore.
    Tell the people you love how you feel, and do what your heart tells you.

  7. #7

    Default Re: Performance issues

    Quote Originally Posted by WeUse View Post
    . . bottle of white powder. . .
    Found that drug in case Viagra and/or Calis doesn't work. You might want to ask your physician about: ALPROSTDIL FOR INJECTION.

    Good LUck


  8. #8

    Default Re: Performance issues

    What you are encountering is actually much more normal that people would like to admit. I think it's more of a comfort issue than anything else.... both physically and mentally. My suggestion would be to take things slow and just go at the pace you are both comfortable with. Can he get hard in the group setting at all? Or does he get hard then lose it when he thinks he's expected to perform? Can he get hard and have sex with you in the presence of others?
    The Swinger Manual - all the info from the Swingers Board in one convenient book

  9. #9

    Default Re: Performance issues

    I used to go thru this same problem when I was younger with new partners A friend of mine jokingly called it "stage fright" but the more i looked into it and read about stage fright the more similarities I found with it you may not find a lot of web pages with info about his selective ED however the web is loaded with advices and recommendations about stage fright and some of those could really help.

  10. #10

    Default Re: Performance issues

    What about playing with another couple where the guy is known to have had (or sometimes does have) the same problem. Seems like that could maybe help take the pressure off? Plus, there is that old thing about "misery loves company - or whatever that saying is?"

    Good luck. I'll be pulling for you, in a manner of speaking.


  11. #11
    Ring My Bell? ownerspet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Performance issues

    For me, this has happenned and I think it comes from not being comfortable enough yet with the situation. I can be attracted to a person, we can be making out on the dance floor, and I'm hard as can be. But for some reason, if things get awkward when it comes to play sometimes MrWilly all of a sudden doesn't work right, so I try to dwell on foreplay if I'm really into the scene until it comes back. It can be helpful to build anticipation for the sake of excitement through increased flirting and foreplay. So I think a level of comfort can be enhanced by becoming more and more comfortable by getting to know playmates more, so when everyone does get naked it's less awkward.

    That's my 2 cents......

  12. #12

    Default Re: Performance issues

    Experience this the first time. But Mrs manage to calm me down, even though I'm not sure if it was too excited or nervousness that got into me.

    Anyway, I went for my wife first

  13. #13

    Default Re: Performance issues

    I have a question to you. Do you take any heart medications like Plavix and/or asprin? If so I have the same problem that occurs only if I don't stop my meds for a day or two , I by all means am not telling you to do that but I would talk to your doc and see what he says and has to offer.

    By the way, that stage fright is interesting too!

    Hang Loose!!

  14. #14

    Default Re: Performance issues

    Had the same problem when I first started swinging. Then after to second lady problem went away. It also helps to start the night to have sex with your lady before you go to a swingers club. It help to relax the blood flow to your dick also it cause you to get the muchies that in turn will release endorphins through out the body. This will incress your sexual stamina by as much as 35% and as a older guy I need of the % that I can get.

    Stop laughing or I WILL put my clothes back on.

  15. #15

    Default Re: Performance issues

    idavisato, I love your tagline:

    "If you don't stop laughing, I will put my clothes back on."

    That's the kind of sense of humor that makes it possible to get over the stage fright!



  16. #16

    Default Re: Performance issues

    This is normal for men to have this dreadfull event happen at the worst times. I too have had it happen. Been at the swing club and the ladies make me hard on the dance floor or a great lap dance and then my dick don't work, but still feel excited.

    Just the other night, the wife and I went to visit old friends when we came into town and hadn't seen them in a yr. Our female friend sat on my lap and got me hard and turned around to suck me off. It felt good. but the hardness was slowly going away because she said her son would be home in 3 mins. That took the mood away somewhat, but her husband had no problem when my wife was sucking away on him. So, overall the enviroment can do things to a man's body.......what pressures we have on

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