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  1. #1

    Question Men Not staying Up!!!!!!!

    My Wife and I are Swingers. But we have noticed a few times that there is a problem...

    My Wife is a very Hot and attractive Woman. And I have let her have a few MFM this is where the problem is. we have had 3 MFM 3 diffrent men 2 out of the 3 had a real problem getting an erection and if they did they could not keep it. Me on the other hand I have no problem Keeping it. My wife is starting to think it may be her. I think I intimidate the other man. I am slightly above average in size . But it is not a monster.

    I have gone so far as to leave the room so that she can get the other male going. still no use.We just dont understand what could be going on and how I may or She may help the situation any ideas ????

  2. #2

    Default Re: Men Not staying Up!!!!!!!

    First off, it is very common in this lifestyle, for all sorts of reasons.....none of which have to do with how hot your wife is, so tell her to relax about that, I'm sure she is very sexy Most of the time it has to do with performance anxiety and once it gets in the head it is hard to get out.....alot of men, my husband being one will jsut take it slower and hang with me, but since the single guy does not have that to fall back on......sometimes it helps for you all to go a little slower and have more caressing, foreplay time, not necassarily oral because sometimes that is a stressor as well because all parties involved know what we are all waiting on........I hope this helps some I am not an expert and Im sure that you will get alot of good responses here, but I just wanted to reasure you that it is pretty common and it is def NOT your wife.

  3. #3

    Default Re: Men Not staying Up!!!!!!!

    Well I am by no means "hot and attractive" But do enjoy the MFM play. I was discussing this with someone one day and their response was " your inviting someone into a relationship that is already established". You know each others hots spots and buttons to push. You've got a routine and are probably pretty secure in your play. Now enters the 3rd, depending if they have had experience or not it's gotta be intimidating.

    It would be nice to know if anyone does have some suggestions. The only thing we've done is try to make the guy as comfy as possible. Will be interesting to hear from others.

  4. #4

    Default Re: Men Not staying Up!!!!!!!

    We always carry a bottle of Viagra, just in case. If that doesn't work, we mark them off our list.

  5. #5

    Default Re: Men Not staying Up!!!!!!!

    Regardless of how hot your wife is, some men simply can't perform well while another man is watching. When you are screening your MFM candidates, try to determine how much prior experience they have in playing with couples. The more experienced ones will probably perform better.

  6. #6

    Default Re: Men Not staying Up!!!!!!!

    I think Greg&Sheryl hit the nail on the head. Some men are just uncomfortable with another man being in the room. My husband and I had our first foursome, and he didn't have any trouble getting it up, until one moment. This was at a moment both couples were with our own spouses, but side by side.....both men's elbows touched and thats all it took. I can't understand it....but for my hubby, who is straight, he couldn't keep sex in his mind with anothers guys body touching him. It didn't take more than a few moments to get him standing at attention again, but honestly, some men just aren't comfortable with all that testosterone in the room.
    "I am giddy; expectation whirls me round; Th' imaginary relish is so sweet that it enchants my sense" -- Shakespeare--

  7. #7

    Default Re: Men Not staying Up!!!!!!!

    When we've looked back at our experiences we also noted that about 50% of the men had a problem keeping it up. We think some of it has to do with another man in the room, some just can't perform under pressure, some it was medical conditions.

    For instance, one husband of a regular play couple of ours couldn't ever keep it up. At his annual physical his doc said he had high cholesterol and put him on Lipitor. From then on he'd wear Mrs. WS out!

    Another husband has no problem keeping it up with Mrs. WS, but takes forever to cum. With his wife he comes in a reasonable period of time. Another form of performance anxiety.

    And some just plain have performance anxiety where they psyche themselves out before they ever start. They know their wife really well and what to do to make her happy, but they get all flustered and worried about how they'll perform with another woman and then because of their worry it's over before they even begin.

    There could be other reasons, too... but those are the most common we've identified. Most of them go away after a couple of times playing with them and they become more comfortable with Mrs. WS or us in general.

    Mr. WS
    "Sex is something you do, sexuality is something you are." ~ Anna Freud
    Blog: Bigger Love

  8. #8

    Default Re: Men Not staying Up!!!!!!!

    I, as a single male, see this from a different perspective. Discounting health problems, how you approach the threesome is the reason he couldn't keep it up. Mainly, he wanted/expected something other than what you offered/practice and he couldn't keep his mind in the game. Unlike women (and I've said this before) men HAVE to be turned on mentally and emotionally to perform AT ALL.

    In almost every situation, the guy in the MFM is an outsider to the relationship. I don't care what you think or what other single men say, a man and his woman is a little intimidating sexually to single men. Unless he has totally put a wall between his emotions and his sex drive, he is going to be ALWAYS looking to the woman's husband for a clue as to what he should do next.

    You have to get into the single man's head to some extent to see what he is comfortable with and if what turns him on turns you on. Just because all three of you like 3somes doesn't mean you are in it for the same reason. Maybe you, as the husband, likes to watch your wife and you, as the wife, likes to put on a show for your husband. But he, as the single man, has a fantasy of being one of many lovers she has and the husband is (FOR THE FANTASY) just another one of the woman's lovers, and on an equal footing with him (FOR THE FANTASY). In that situation, the husband joining in will be a turn on for the single man, but the husband sitting back and giving suggestions is a lot of pressure.

    What if the single man enjoys the fantasy of being the 'other man' that got caught by the husband with his wife? Having a couple that has the fantasy of the woman being told she can have sex with the single man while he watches isn't going to do it for him.

    I could go on about the many scenarios that I have seen and been involved in, but the bottom line is that unless you first know what the single man is getting out of the threesome, none of you are going to enjoy it because he won't enjoy it. Its not just about finding a guy you like. Its about finding a guy that can get out of the threesome what you have to offer...and that is not JUST sex. For all the effort the single man has to make to get noticed and taken seriously in the swinger's world by just one couple, he could have had sex with a dozen single women, and probably one or two bisexual female-female couples a year. If you are not comfortable asking him what he thinks is a turn-on fantasy, you are probably not ready. If he is not comfortable telling you BOTH, he definitely is not ready.

    Oh, and to the couple that suggested the Viagra, most single men would find that an insult. The ones that wouldn't usually have their own.
    "Style is not lusting after someone because they are cool. Style is loving yourself till everyone else does too."


  9. #9

    Default Re: Men Not staying Up!!!!!!!

    EternallySingle, thanks for your post.

    I think many couples don't give any consideration to the point of view you shared.

    When I see couples show their frustration with finding single males who can't get it up or keep an erection I always wonder:

    Has the male of the couple ever played the role of a single with a couple he's never played with before? Has he ever played alone - his wife no where nearby - with a couple for the first time after just meeting?

    I think many men of couples would find themselves feeling challenged if they ever found themselves in this new role. If they could look at MFM from the single males standpoint they could gain a new perspective.


  10. #10
    Swingers Board Addict TNT's Avatar
    Blog Entries
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    Default Re: Men Not staying Up!!!!!!!

    ES made some excellent points in his post.

    We've never had a problem with a single man getting hard but have with men who are part of a couple.

    When we are playing with single men it's very important to us that he gets as much out of the encounter as we do. We're very flexible in our play and always ask him what his biggest turn on is in a threesome...Does he like having the husband watch? Does he like having the husband participate? What do you enjoy? Since we enjoy it all we cater our playtime with singles as to what they enjoy this way we get what we enjoy and so do they.

    With couples, we do the same thing (asking what turns them on) but, for the male half he's always going to be thinking about his wife/girlfriend and at times that can interfere with his own enjoyment of the encounter (i.e. getting hard). Haven't figured out a way to help with that and not really sure there would be anything that we could do or should do about it

    There are so many variables when it comes to playing that sometimes no matter what you do, things just aren't going to work that night.

    Ted and Teresa
    No lifetime is enough unless you live it in such a way as to make it enough.

  11. #11

    Default Re: Men Not staying Up!!!!!!!

    Happy Birthday ES. :rollseyes

  12. #12

    Default Re: Men Not staying Up!!!!!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by EternallySingle
    If you are not comfortable asking him what he thinks is a turn-on fantasy, you are probably not ready. If he is not comfortable telling you BOTH, he definitely is not ready.
    ES, what a great suggestion! That gets clipped and put into the "keeper file".

  13. #13

    Default Re: Men Not staying Up!!!!!!!

    Very common. Happened to me a few times too. Simply having another naked guy in the room usually breaks the concentration and you lose it. It'll come with experience.
    Beth and Cole

  14. #14

    Default Re: Men Not staying Up!!!!!!!

    Ok...I think that high cholesterol, diabetes, and blood pressure issues are pretty common within the age group that swingers are part of. We know that these conditions can cause or exacerbate erection difficulties.

    We played with a couple where the man was like spaghetti. I had never experienced that before...I mean he was like spaghetti...absolutely no hardness what so ever. I was really disappointed becasue I thought it could be me. However, when I think about it now. I realize that he probably had some complex medical issues. However, I would have appreciated a heads-up.

  15. #15

    Default Re: Men Not staying Up!!!!!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by daisy girl
    I realize that he probably had some complex medical issues. However, I would have appreciated a heads-up.
    We have been in exactly the same shoes on this one - medical issues. Like you said, at least a heads-up would have been called for.

    I agree with everyone who mentioned pressure (perceived), competition or comparisons (can't deal with another dick in the room), and nervousness. These are all psychological or emotional reasons, and only the person with the problem can do anything about this.

    Quote Originally Posted by toosweet0279
    We just dont understand what could be going on and how I may or She may help the situation any ideas ????
    All we can do as playmates is do what's reasonable to make someone comfortable, and if that's not enough, time to move on.

  16. #16

    Default Re: Men Not staying Up!!!!!!!

    Well for me, I'm just not comfortable with the whole mfm threesomes, I've tried with past playmates before I got married but it just doesn't work for me, my erection will not stay and I firmly believe it's because another penis is in the room about to partake in the same guilty pleasure as I. I mean the first time I did it, it was unexpected, my playmate wanted to know what it felt like to have a DP and didnt want to use a dildo to accomplish so she called me and another guy she knew, we were doing good for a while but the red flag appeared when he took off his condom and kept on going with her and that was it for me, I just stopped and watched because I wasn't taking chances like that although she knew him, I didn't know him and thought it best to be safe than sorry. Other times after that I couldn't maintain the erection unless I was a little intoxicated and didn't care who else was in the room.

  17. #17

    Default Re: Men Not staying Up!!!!!!!

    Almost forgot...could also be drugs or alcohol use as well. ANd...sometimes condoms influence performance (not an excuse not to use them by the way).

  18. #18
    Jay's Bumper Buddy ShellyM's Avatar
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    Default Re: Men Not staying Up!!!!!!!

    With us, if the couple is okay with separate room play we will usually try that. Also getting his mind OFF of his dick for a minute helps tremendously. Going into another room other than the bedroom also helps. What you want to do is get the pressure element out of the equation. Go into the kitchen, talk about sports or something else other than sex is good. Then start flirting. I have heard that this works wonders.
    Merry Christmas and a Ho Ho Ho

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