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  1. #1

    Default dealing with anxiety regarding sex after having erection problems in group play

    hi all,

    my wife and i have been together for 12 years and have just recently started experimenting with swinging. i think it's worth mentioning that we are a soft swap only couple. after talking to and playing with a few other couples, we finally found one that we feel very comfortable with and have decided that we wanted to try to move forward with. so far, we've played with them on several occassions and have had an all around great time with them each time.

    the last time we played however turned out rather bad for me. things started out well enough but when it came time for us to swap, i completely lost my erection and couldn't seem to get it back. i've always had a little trouble getting hard during group play but never like this. i tried my best to compensate by giving her plenty of oral (and i believe that she enjoyed it) but i could tell that she was a little dissappointed that i couldn't stay hard. i mentioned to her that i was having trouble and was getting a little frustrated but everyone assured me that it was ok and not to worry. just try to relax and have fun.

    so i pressed on but the entire time i just felt horrible, like i wanted to crawl into a hole and die. every time i'd look over at my wife she and her partner would be doing some crazy, sexy stuff and i got a little jealous. finally we switched back and after some work i managed to regain my erection and was able to finish off with my wife. afterwards, we all chatted and everyone said that they had a wonderful time and were looking forward to our next session. i again mentioned my dissappointment and everyone told me that it was ok and that i shouldn't worry too much about it.

    now after reading some of the posts in these forums it seems many men have had trouble rising to the occasion and it appears to be pretty normal. i can accept that. i believe that my problem on this particular evening was caused by too much happening too soon. usually, we'd engage in foreplay with our spouses before we did any switching and that would give me ample opportunity to get turned on and into the zone. on this night, we had minimal contact with our spouses and jumped into the swap pretty quickly. so, ok no big deal right?

    well here's the problem i've having now. ever since that evening (which was about a week ago), i've been having SEVERE anxiety when it comes to sex. when i think about our last playdate i get a sick feeling in my stomach and i get really embarassed. i've tried having sex with my wife on two separate occasions since then and both times i've gotten this feeling of dread and immediately lost my erection. she understands what's happening and is supportive but it still makes me feel like shit. it even affects my masturbation. it takes lots of work to get an erection and even more work to climax.

    so here's my question: has anyone else ever felt like this after a session and if so, how did you deal with it? i know that eventually i'll get out of this but i just need some help putting things in perspective. i want to continue swinging but not if every little "failure" is going to make me feel like this.
    monday again?

  2. #2

    Default Re: dealing with anxiety?

    hows your blood pressure ?

  3. #3

    Default Re: dealing with anxiety?

    Quote Originally Posted by lovemonkey#1
    so here's my question: has anyone else ever felt like this after a session and if so, how did you deal with it? i know that eventually i'll get out of this but i just need some help putting things in perspective. i want to continue swinging but not if every little "failure" is going to make me feel like this.
    As I gaze into my crystal ball I can see that you are going to get a lot of messages saying, "don't worry about it"! Please allow me to be the first!

    It happens to everyone. If it hasn't, it will. Knowing that may not help you feel better now, but I would bet a lot that you will look back on this and laugh later on. For a completely worthless bit of philosophy from me, I try not to get wrapped around the axle about things that won't be important a year from now. I predict that you will feel better and get out of your slump in much, much less than a year. So a year from now this will be meaningless. A year from now you will look back and wonder what the big deal was. So, I hereby give you permission not to worry about this!

    Okay, I warned you that my bit of philosophy was worthless. But I really would try to think of it as a temporary problem that will go away on its own. There probably isn't much you can do to either shorten or lengthen the amount of time it will take; these things just work themselves out.

    Don't worry that every little "failure" is going to make you feel like this. It happens to everyone, and the second time it happens you already know that it is a temporary issue, so you won't feel as bad. You will already know that it will be a non-issue. It sounds like you are already compensating by concentrating on oral for her. Nobody is going to throw you out of bed for that!

  4. #4

    Default Re: dealing with anxiety?

    Am I missing something? You did say soft swap didn't you? If so what does it matter if you can't keep an erection, it's not like you're going to use it for anything.

  5. #5

    Default Re: dealing with anxiety?

    The problem is that you are letting your big head interfere with your little head...

    If you can stop yourself from thinking about it, get through a few complete cycles of "erection to ejaculation" successfully, and maybe laugh about it a little bit, then you may just be able to get beyond it. If you keep thinking "I hope there's not a problem, I hope there's not a problem...." the whole time you are starting to have sex, then there WILL continue to be a problem.

    The excitation/arousal process needs to be accompanied by good mental imagery to work right (relaxation, not worry) - You need to do a little mental disconnect. That's the physiological process. Maybe the guys on here can help you a little more with just HOW to do that...
    "Everyone here is wondering what it's like to be with somebody else..."
    ~Back 2 Good, Rob Thomas (matchbox twenty)

  6. #6

    Default Re: dealing with anxiety?


    As many have already said. It happens. I still have issues like this and for us, we have realized that it is going to take more than just a single play date for me to be able to maintain enough firmness to be useful. I have to be comfortable with my partner to be able to stay firm.

    I wish I could help you relax, my wife and the other couple we play with currently keep telling me the same thing, and I haven't figured it out yet. For me, I have taken the humor approach. I know it is a problem, but I chuckle about it and we all joke about it and still have a good evening. I don't seem to have issues with MrsVan, so I know it is not a physical problem, but a mental one. Maybe try going back to your routine of playing with your wife first before swapping and see if that eases the tension some.

    Above all else, just continue to have fun and I am sure it work itself out soon enough.


  7. #7

    Default Re: dealing with anxiety?

    thanks for the advice everyone. i think we're just going to take a break for a while until i can get my head screwed on straight again. i think a lot of my problem is just that i'm going through some general anxiety right now and it has bled over into my sexlife. we're moving in two weeks and then my wife is going on an international business trip to a volatile region. i think i'm just all around stressed out.

    meandher2go: my blood pressure is fine. i'm convinced that this is purely a mental problem.

    Sweet_Candy: i couldn't disagree with you more. just because we soft swap doesn't mean that i don't need my dick for anything. that's just silly.

    anyways, i'm still interested in any advice on how other people have dealt with this particular situation. it really helps me to see that others have come out of the other side. i know i will too but i'm getting impatient with myself and feel like i may need a little guidance.

    thanks again....
    monday again?

  8. #8

    Default Re: dealing with anxiety?

    I thought "soft swap" was code for girl on girl play only?

  9. #9

    Default Re: dealing with anxiety?

    Quote Originally Posted by Sweet_Candy
    I thought "soft swap" was code for girl on girl play only?

    The interesting thing is that soft swap can have so many different interpretations. For most people it is playing/having sex with your own partner while another couple is in the same room. There can be touching of the other couple, and sometimes oral sex, but for the most part any sex is done with your own partner.


    I suggest you do a search of the threads here in situational help. I think you will find this to be a VERY common occurance. My own husband when through a very similar situation when we first started swinging and for him, probably like yourself, it was all a mental thing.

    The more he thought out about it, the worse he got. We talked things through a lot and eventually he did work out his problem. The only difference is that he did not have a problem when having sex with me. I have to agree with you about stress playing a major role on the libedo. Even as a woman I find that my sex drive decreases when i am very stressed out. So take heart, you are not the only one out there struggling with this very thing. The only suggestion I have is talking, relaxation, and just keep trying!

    Good luck
    "Well! Evil to some is always good to others." - Jane Austen

  10. #10

    Default Re: dealing with anxiety?

    Dont let it get the best of you...

    This very same thing happened to me on our first swap, and much like you, it took my libido and basically threw it in my face!!!
    I felt like shit!!
    I felt that way because we were very attracted to each other and I really wanted to be able to share what I have to offer with my new partner, I was blessed with being rather well endowed and my wife had expressed to her what she was about to experience with me during a few chats we had beforehand...
    Well,,,imagine my horror when "little K" couldnt rise to the occasion!
    The mind was ready and willing, but there was a mental block somewhere that wasnt going to allow this activity with a new partner.
    For days afterwards that was all I could think about, I seriously thought something was very wrong with me as I now found that attaining an erection for my WIFE was near impossible,,,???
    Our second date with this couple was much better, as I was able to maintain a semi-hard erection, and she again reassured me that she thoroughly enjoyed our union, and the forplay beforehand...(I felt better hearing that)
    Long story short, after a week or so (and a visit to my uerologist) I was able to again regain my manhood and sucessfully make love to my wife as I normaly had in the past, it felt like a huge brick had been lifted off my shoulders....
    NOW,,,after the visit to my eurologist, I have been prescribed "levitra" as a sort of "supplement" when "Little K" has other plans, and I am here to tell you, I wish I had done this sooner! I can now improve the already large erections I normally have to the point they almost hurt, not to mention my staying power has increased 10 fold!! It seems I can go for hours without orgasm, and just enjoy lovemaking that much longer, which is a BIG plus!!
    Needless to say, levitra will be with me when we play again....thats a no-brainer...

    Best of luck
    And PLEASE dont let that little incident bother you....your normal!!! It happens!!

    Take care!

  11. #11

    Default Re: dealing with anxiety?

    Quote Originally Posted by Sweet_Candy
    I thought "soft swap" was code for girl on girl play only?
    oh, no prob. i didn't mean to be snappish about it. i just thought that you were being insensitive and taking a jab at me. Surrender
    monday again?

  12. #12

    Default Re: dealing with anxiety?

    No jabs intended!

  13. #13

    Default Re: dealing with anxiety?

    Hmmm, let's see. Your SLS post states an age around 28. Highly improbable, but possible that Pfizer could make a killing off of you with their "little blue pill". Nevertheless, it could be something a urologist might need to look at. If you haven't had a physical in awhile, now would be a good time for it.

    With the big "3 -- 0" soon approaching, depending upon your environment, that might have something to do with it also. How's your job? You did mention major stress factors of moving the household and your wife's going away to a not so desirable location for work. There might be other stress factors not mentioned or even realized which might piggyback on these. If I was wagering, my money would probably be placed on stress or some nerve problem. You might want to look into Vitamin B complex supplements to help.

    I'm a little past your situation and have had spotty performance for awhile. There are several major stress issues in my life right now including work. We just went away though this past weekend and despite having a stressful day involving the car breaking down over 600 miles from "home" and worrying about making several appointments, my performance that night with my wife was the best it's been in quite a while. (OK, maybe it was the sake and the soft Hampton Inn bed too. lol) So I'm still working on how to manage whatever psychological aspects are affecting my ability to consistently perform.

    Nevertheless, odds are that this is a temporary situation and you'll be back in the "swing" (bad pun) of things when some of your personal conflicts blow over. Keep your spirits high until then.

    Best of luck.

  14. #14

    Default Re: dealing with anxiety?

    I am a female. It would be hard to have that problem and be male, where it shows if you are turned on or not. What I think is going on is that because you couldn't get an erection that one time it is affecting every other time because you are now afraid of it happening, hence it happens. It is a real fear for you, and sometimes what we think/fear will happen does happen. I would really try to stop concentrating on getting hard and focasing all your attention during foreplay on how hard you are. Try to put the whole thing out of your mind, especially during anything sexual. You were always able to get it hard before, its all just based on your fear you aren't going to get hard. Avoid all thoughts of how hard u are and just enjoy sex, like u always have. Pretend it never happened, and I guess if that couple it happened with makes you feel uncomfortable, stop with them for awhile. Take care.

  15. #15
    Swingers Board Addict fun4Ds's Avatar
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    Default Re: dealing with anxiety? here and a little insight from my experiance. yep i had the same problem at first. we had taken things slowly and talked about everything so we thaught. but when the wood dosent happen its pretty devastating.. trust me i do know. it followed me for days luckly and i got to my problem that i havent seen discussed here. i knew it wasn't the stress and i had plenty. with work ,life and all that.,cause mostly after a stresfull day all i wanted was a good fuckin just to the problem for me was the SEPERATION in itself. i mean we had talked ,i had fantasized and i thaught everything through ,but when the reality of it all was there, i really had never experianced THAT. your over there im over here and we are not together on this now.the connection was gone.every thing we had together after a long term relationship just seem out of kilter.after being able to talk with and her reasurance it got alot easier. she kinda included me after a few more times and that did alot for me.yes i have a little blood pressure problem and i really dont care for viagra. it has become so much more enjoyable now that the connection is in check with may not be a manly thing to admit to but it is a couples thing. just my perspective maby it will help.

  16. #16

    Default Re: dealing with anxiety?

    Quote Originally Posted by robel12550
    Your SLS post states an age around 28. Highly improbable, but possible that Pfizer could make a killing off of you with their "little blue pill".
    Even though the drugs Cialis, Levitra and Viagra are marketed towards men in midlife, they can also help young men achieve firmer erections and to recover in a relatively quicker time after ejaculation. Trust me when I say that young men constantly ask for this drug, use this drug and find it helpful. It increases blood flow to the pelvis selectively and does not stop in the brain to ask a man if they are over 40 or not! It may work better in older men because there is vascular compromise on a greater level, but young guys love it too. Not all, but most that I have spoken with. It can help females some of the time too.

    Talk to your doctor
    "Everyone here is wondering what it's like to be with somebody else..."
    ~Back 2 Good, Rob Thomas (matchbox twenty)

  17. #17

    Default Re: dealing with anxiety?

    Yes it happens to everyone - but this does sound unpleasant. For day-to-day (night-to-night?) failure of erections there are little tricks that can work wonders - keeping a semi-full bladder can help keep it up, then there is something I call the paintbrush - if it's flaccid at the wrong time, pull it out just enough then, with your free hand, wipe it up and down her clitoris and around the opening like, yes, a paintbrush. This satisfies her and always gets me hard again. And in general, holding it in my hand during sex, which used to be something I avoided for some reason, is a really good habit that somehow increases confidence. But it sounds like you have a genuine anxiety thing going on, and taking valium's not a good idea in a sex context. I'd suggest St john's wort if suitable (around 2,000 mgs) or melatonin/5-HTP, with a C&B complex or multi-nutrient pill and a high-protein meal, every day for a while - then spend some time working through it, once your reactions are milder. It sounds like guilt or fear has been stirred up by something - the nutrients should help make the emotions more ordinary and managable, without dulling them like drugs do, so you can look at them and put them back in perspective. Whether you're best starting this with your partner, or taking it to her once you get a handle on it, is up to you. You definitely need to communicate, but these feelings can be the hardest ones to get out - you did well to make this post. Best of luck.

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