Jump to content
Argie71

Fantasies becoming reality

Recommended Posts

Hello from Canada.

 

My wife and I have known each other for 20 years and have been married for 15. Our sex life has only gotten better since the first time. I LOVE her so much, I consider myself the luckiest guy on earth because she chose to be my wife. Like many people, we have fantasies that arouse us during intercourse. One of those, was having another man in bed to DP her. We have “done” it many times using sex toys and it was all super great. Or so I thought.

 

About a week ago, my wife came to me and said that she wanted to have a MFM experience.

 

Now, I’ve always been a person that tries to let reason prevail over feelings and always strived to be as open minded and understanding as possible. However, when my wife expressed her desires I went into shut down mode.

 

As I mentioned, I love her very much and her happiness and wellbeing is my main priority. Because of this, I told her that if that is what she wanted we will try it (the rational part of my brain here).

 

The problem that I’m having (and hope you people can help me with) is that my irrational half can not accept that she wants to bring somebody else to our bed. It screams: she is MINE, she is my LOVE, she BELONGS to me and therefore the thought of having someone else touch her or fuck her makes me extremely angry.

 

This situation has also brought up a lot of feelings of insecurity that I did not know I had: What if she likes the other guy better, and then the only form of sex that we will ever have will be with someone else? Will she ever enjoy having sex with me alone again or will she do it out of kindness, always secretly comparing me with the other guy? What if I say no to her desire to do this MFM and she resents it, and this frustration hurts our relationship?; Will she still love me after realizing that, perhaps, the sex life we have had so far might not have been so good for her after all?

 

As I’m writing this, I realize how “teenager” all this sounds, but I can not control these feelings.

 

What really pisses me off the most is that, since our conversation I have been acting like an asshole with her. I’m silent, grumpy and irritable. Not only that, I have also been irked when she looks at other men (something that has never bothered me before) thinking “is that what you really want, taller than me? more athletic? better looking? younger”.

 

I’m a wreck, I’m not like this small, resentful, egotistic person. I hate myself for what I’m feeling and even more for not being able to have my rational half take over the irrational part of my brain.

 

But most of all for not being able to give the person that means the most on this world to me something that she wants/need.

 

I apologize beforehand for the length of this rant and for possible grammar/spelling errors. As you might surmise from my nickname, English is not my first language.

 

Thank you in advance for the patience and feedback.

 

Cheers

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

You need to cover everything you just wrote down here that are concerns of yours with your wife. Work through all of those before you even consider going through with a MFM or any LS type stuff first. Sounds like you have a good relationship and would hate for you to go too fast and mess that up. You'll hear this a lot but the importance of communication between you two is super important to successful ventures into swinging. I'm sure some others will come along with more experience that may be more in tune with what you're looking for specifically. Good luck and keep us updated.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post

Because you identify as a rational person, I feel good about recommending that you read the popular book named Amazon.com: Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What it Means for Modern Relationships (9781491512401): Christopher Ryan, Cacilda Jetha, Allyson Johnson, Jonathan Davis: Books. It is not a self help book. But it does explain the reasons that most of us feel a need for multiple partners and a little bit about the particular kind of jealousy that men who grow up in modern cultures feel.

Share this post


Link to post

Your relationship has a lot of things going for it - it has stood the test of time, and the communication is good. As others mentioned though, when it comes to swinging, the communication has to be great. Swinging adds another aspect to a relationship, and it's a powerful thing, for good or bad. Since swingers are playing with that fire, then to make sure they make it work for them and not against them, the communication has to be great. So, take this opportunity to build upon that already good communication you have and try to make it great. Talking about swinging doesn't mean you have to swing, far from it. But those how can talk about it with their spouse in an open and honest way often finds that pays many dividends to the relationship even if the eventual final decision is it is just not something for them.

 

Another thing too is the time factor. This is all very new since she just brought it up. It's big idea, hard to wrap your mind around, and one that flies against everything you probably thought or have been told since you were very young. Think on it a bit together, let is soak in, do some research and discuss that together...basically, make it something you do together with two minds as one and not two minds suspiciously looking across a divide at each other wondering what the other's motivations really are. The unknown is scary, made sure that you both know what is going through each other's mind, and then it's not an unknown any more, so it's less scary. It's difficult to make a sound decision out of fear. Work on removing that fear and you can get to a place where you two can make the decision that is best for both of you. Again, the decision may be that you try swinging, or it may be that you don't; either way though, it will be a decision that you can feel confident in and won't carry with it any unexpected side effects like a snap decision made in anger and fear might have.

 

I always like to say when it comes to swinging, slow and steady wins the race. Nothing says you have to jump right to a MFM threesome. If you have any good clubs or swingers groups near you, just pay them a visit. Don't go to play, just go to watch and learn and pick up on the vibe. My guess is it will be a little bit different than what you envision, and I think it will do a lot of calm your fears. When you see in person how dedicated swingers are to their mates, you will begin to pick up on what swinging is really about.

 

Please feel free to ask any and all questions you have, this is a friendly helpful community and we all were right where you are at now at one time too - trying to decide how we should feel and what we should do.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post

Thank you very much to all of you for the prompt responses.

I will right away have her read my post and try to start a positive conversation. I'm still feeling angry though, but now I don't know whether it is with her or myself....

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

I'm angry at her because I feel that she stopped caring about me and wants to replace me.

A totally irrational feeling, but today it seems that my analytical brain went on vacations.

Share this post


Link to post

I agree with SW_PA_Couple. Don't go into a conversation angry, it won't be productive and could hurt things. Anger makes both of you defensive, it shuts down communication. Take time to process, and try to let go of your anger. It does no one any good.

 

And obviously I'm not her, but I'm pretty sure she isn't interested in replacing you. She cares enough about you to tell you what her innermost desires and secrets are. It's hard to tell someone you love that you want fantasy to be reality; it's a total jump, putting yourself out there. Give her the benefit of the doubt, if she didn't care, she'd have just left you or gone behind your back and found someone to cheat with. For me at least, the MFM idea is only hot if my husband is the other male. I'm not interested at all in playing without him there. She may be like that too (and I'd say that's likely since you have had the DP fantasy), but you won't know unless you talk to her, and she won't want to open up if anger is there.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post

Wow Intuition. That was an amazing post and fabulous advice. Argie I would add only one thing to all the has already been said. Take baby steps. Start with small things so that you can ease your mind into it. If you can become comfortable with her desire for other men, at increasing levels, then hopefully you can develop compersion. In our beginning my wife's stomach turned at the thought of me paying attention to another. But I was thrilled seeing her feel like a queen when some gorgeous man paid her attention. Eventually, with much of what Intuition suggests, she also developed compersion. Now when and if we share each other it is a thrill and enormous turn-on for both of us. Imagine asking her to interact with another man, for your benefit. I have. Compersion is a wonderful thing.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

Aww, you're welcome! I'm happy to help! *Hugs back*

 

Intuition897's advice is perfect, and from someone who actually has experience with swinging. I hope that one day I'll be that in tune :D

 

Again, ask any questions you have, and keep us updated! We're rooting for you, regardless if you decide to be okay with swinging or not.

Share this post


Link to post

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...