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eldiablo311

Trying to swing for the first time, any MFM advice?

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A little background on us, so my wife and I have been together for 5 1/2 years, we have never swung, we are very happy and in love and have a great sex life together. My wife is bisexual and I am straight. We have been talking more and more about her doing stuff with another person, woman or man, over the last couple of years. She definitely wants to be with a girl again sometime, with me there, I would love to see that I have told her. I have also been trying to get her comfortable with the idea of fucking another guy in front of me or with me...she is starting to open up to this idea because she knows the fantasy turns me on so much. My wife does not want me doing ANYTHING with another woman though, and I am fine with that.

 

So a little while back we went to a restaurant and sat at the bar, the bartender was obviously very taken by my wife's looks and was acting a little nervous around her...so we both know he was turned on by my wife. My wife also thinks he is a good looking guy she told me afterwards and is the type of guy she would fuck. She was lightly flirting with him with me there next to her at the bar while we all talked and my wife and I had a couple glasses of wine.

 

We have been discussing going back to this restaurant, she would get all made up and dress sexy, but classy, only this time I would drop her off and leave her there for about 1hr while I go somewhere else for a drink. During this time she would, hopefully, be able to see this guy again at the bar and talk/flirt with him for this 1hr time. We discussed how far we would want her to go with it and decided that she would make it obvious that she liked him and was flirting with him, but would also let it be known right off the bat that she was married. If it progressed nicely, she would let him know that I was open to her doing stuff with another man as long as I am present. If it got to the point that he was still interested, she would get his number and not give hers out. I would then show up after this 1hr or so of leaving her alone to pick her up and we would have a drink at the bar and leave together saying goodbye to the bartender...for now. ;) Maybe then in the next couple of weeks we would contact him to see if he wanted to meet up for drinks somewhere, and if it all goes well we could get a hotel room for the night...all 3 of us.

 

Do you guys think this is a decent plan? What would be your advice for us?

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I think it could be a good strategy, but it's hard to find people to swing with in the vanilla world. If it came down to playing, the experience may not be all you hoped due to his lack of experience in this sexual arena. However, even if it's not successful, it might be a segway for her to become comfortable with the whole idea and things may open up for you two.

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Your plan has a lot of "ifs" in it, and the more "ifs" the less likely all will go as planned. The likelihood of success is directly proportional to how much your wife wants it to happen. Let us know how it goes, Amigo!

 

Alura

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Your plan has a lot of "ifs" in it, and the more "ifs" the less likely all will go as planned.

 

That was my immediate thought. Too many variables. Something a common as a high maintenance bar patron monopolizing his time would mess this plan up.

Simple works best.

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That was my immediate thought. Too many variables. Something a common as a high maintenance bar patron monopolizing his time would mess this plan up.

Simple works best.

 

Ah, c'mon guys, where is your sense of adventure? I'd love this scenario - and for the OP's wife, it has clearly got her thinking of opening things up even if the plan doesn't come to pass the way they hope it will. At very least, it could lead to some explosive sex between ElDiablo and his wife IMHO. Sounds like a fun way to to test the waters.

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It's fine if you're just exploring and thinking "maybe, maybe not".

 

If you're serious about making something happen, then I see it leading to a lot of frustration.

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My point was not that y'all should not do it, but your wife's dedication to the project is key to its success.

 

It does sound like fun, though. Keep us posted!

 

Alura

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We've found that the gay areas of the cities are best for meeting singles for threesomes. They arnt just gay people who go there, quite a lot of straight and bi people go as well. My husband is totally straight we just find it easy to meet single men for this sort of thing from going to these sort of bars and clubs if swinger clubs arnt your thing.

 

From my experience with your idea its very hit or miss. A lot of men in some way or another simply wont do it either because they believe its wrong or when they come to put the condom on they will go soft then ask if the husband can leave the room so he can perform. You might want to try just letting her be alone with him, she tell him she is cheating on you because it is surprising how many men get turned on from fucking a woman who is spoken for and cheating behind her partners back, when really she could just be doing it because he allows her to.

 

With some men ive told them im in an open relationship/marriage, they have always been cool with that.

 

Its after we get talking i see what his level of open/dirty mindedness he has, before i tell him my husband likes to watch or participate then i check his response then i might ask him if its something he is interested in doing.

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Flirting it up in such a way is a warm up in my opinion. It boosts the ego and opens the door to thoughts and communication if nothing else.

 

 

The Rose

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I don't think you're giving the Bar Tender enough credit.. What would make anyone think he's "all that innocent".. When I tended bar, it wasn't uncommon to get hit on, and if the lady was accompanied by a male (or female) while hitting on me, I knew the game. It was neither unusual, or weird.. Happens to bartenders (both male and female) all the time.. He's probably more onto the game than you give him credit for. Go, Enjoy..

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Ah, c'mon guys, where is your sense of adventure? I'd love this scenario - and for the OP's wife, it has clearly got her thinking of opening things up even if the plan doesn't come to pass the way they hope it will. At very least, it could lead to some explosive sex between ElDiablo and his wife IMHO. Sounds like a fun way to to test the waters.

 

This is exactly what we are thinking, it would get us both a little more comfortable with these scenarios in the future even if nothing more than some light flirting and talking goes down and that is it! We are fine with it just being that, but I think we need to have a "game plan" as a couple in case things progress further than we thought. Better to plan for something happening and then not have it happen than to go into it with no plan is the way we see it I guess. This way we have both discussed what we would be comfortable with.

 

I will keep you guys posted for sure! Thanks for the advice and I appreciate any more you guys might have also!!

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Flirting it up in such a way is a warm up in my opinion. It boosts the ego and opens the door to thoughts and communication if nothing else.

 

 

The Rose

 

I totally agree, I know my wife does too! If nothing else it is a way for us to test the waters a little!

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I don't think you're giving the Bar Tender enough credit.. What would make anyone think he's "all that innocent".. When I tended bar, it wasn't uncommon to get hit on, and if the lady was accompanied by a male (or female) while hitting on me, I knew the game. It was neither unusual, or weird.. Happens to bartenders (both male and female) all the time.. He's probably more onto the game than you give him credit for. Go, Enjoy..

 

I agree! I think its possible this guy could be totally down! Especially if he really finds my wife that attractive that he gets a little nervous around her! I would have seriously considered and maybe even done this if I was on the other side of the scenario, in fact when I was single 5 years ago I was talking to a couple about this very thing!

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Guest screaminggood

I'm wondering why you feel the need to leave for an hour if your wife was already flirting with the bartender? If you want to be there to watch, then it would be helpful for the guy to know you are good with it....

 

...from a wife who picked up a vanilla man on a dare from her husband with the husband sitting at the table with me the entire time.

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I'm wondering why you feel the need to leave for an hour if your wife was already flirting with the bartender? If you want to be there to watch, then it would be helpful for the guy to know you are good with it....

 

...from a wife who picked up a vanilla man on a dare from her husband with the husband sitting at the table with me the entire time.

 

I wondered the same thing. eldiablo, I think it would be better for all parties if you were there during the entire process since you two are new and everyone should be on the same page.

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I wondered the same thing. eldiablo, I think it would be better for all parties if you were there during the entire process since you two are new and everyone should be on the same page.

 

Good point...maybe I should be there with her. You guys are right, I mean like you said, she could still flirt with him with me there next to her. I will mention that to her. The only thing is maybe he would be more comfortable flirting back with her if I wasn't there, at least for this next encounter?

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Good point...maybe I should be there with her. You guys are right, I mean like you said, she could still flirt with him with me there next to her. I will mention that to her. The only thing is maybe he would be more comfortable flirting back with her if I wasn't there, at least for this next encounter?

 

My thoughts: if he's not comfortable with flirting with your wife while you are there, how is he going to be comfortable playing with your wife while you are in the same room also participating? If he's as interested and willing as you make him out to be, just help him to be comfortable by being approving of his flirting with your wife and even encourage him. Hopefully others will have more specific advice in this area because we've never picked up a vanilla person to swing with.

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My thoughts: if he's not comfortable with flirting with your wife while you are there, how is he going to be comfortable playing with your wife while you are in the same room also participating? If he's as interested and willing as you make him out to be, just help him to be comfortable by being approving of his flirting with your wife and even encourage him. Hopefully others will have more specific advice in this area because we've never picked up a vanilla person to swing with.

 

That's a really good point, if we want him to do stuff with my wife with me there, then he would have to be comfortable hitting on her in front of me and I would have to show him that I am okay with that! We definitely would not want to have my wife do stuff without me around.

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I do have to admit, and speaking for my wife, I think we both find it kind of exciting and fun to think about the idea of her going to the bar by herself for awhile and flirting with the guy.

 

She was on a business trip for a few days last year, and I was texting her one night encouraging her to go out and have some drinks at the hotel bar and to even talk to some cute guys if she wanted...she played along and ended up really liking it also. We had great sex when she got back from the trip, I kept asking her who she talked to and if she thought they were hot or cute. It was fun for both of us.

 

I think in this case, it would be fun to have her do that for a little bit, and then I come in and we could hang out after they had some time to get to know each other and maybe she had a chance to explain to him our situation and fantasy.

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No she does not.

 

That is the first stumbling-block to swinging that you need to change.

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That is the first stumbling-block to swinging that you need to change.

 

I am not sure she has the desire or time to get on this forum or any other. She is on the computer all day at work that is the last thing she wants to do when she gets home. I have received some great advice on this site though and reading other peoples experiences really helps me relate and figure out what if anything to do next. I think this site is informative for me...just don't think she would care honestly.

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I am not sure she has the desire or time to get on this forum or any other. She is on the computer all day at work that is the last thing she wants to do when she gets home.

 

We're completely computer nerds and love being on the computer! :lol: With that being said, at least lead her over and let her decide. If/when she gets interested, she can do research of her own.

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I think it could be a good strategy, but it's hard to find people to swing with in the vanilla world. If it came down to playing, the experience may not be all you hoped due to his lack of experience in this sexual arena. However, even if it's not successful, it might be a segway for her to become comfortable with the whole idea and things may open up for you two.

 

My thoughts: if he's not comfortable with flirting with your wife while you are there, how is he going to be comfortable playing with your wife while you are in the same room also participating? If he's as interested and willing as you make him out to be, just help him to be comfortable by being approving of his flirting with your wife and even encourage him. Hopefully others will have more specific advice in this area because we've never picked up a vanilla person to swing with.

 

Both of these are excellent points. I've dealt with enough single guys that are all for having sex with a woman and have plenty of experience doing so... just not in front of another guy. Most guys think they can handle that scenario but few really can "stand up" to the pressure. Unless your plan involves you watching through the slats on the closet, I'd definitely make sure he knows you are a package deal from minute one (with you there all the way). Even doing that, I would plan to not be surprised if you got him home and he had equipment failure. What's the saying, hope for the best but plan for the worst?

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Both of these are excellent points. I've dealt with enough single guys that are all for having sex with a woman and have plenty of experience doing so... just not in front of another guy. Most guys think they can handle that scenario but few really can "stand up" to the pressure. Unless your plan involves you watching through the slats on the closet, I'd definitely make sure he knows you are a package deal from minute one (with you there all the way). Even doing that, I would plan to not be surprised if you got him home and he had equipment failure. What's the saying, hope for the best but plan for the worst?

 

Thanks for the advice!

 

When we do it, we are just going to have fun with it. I will talk to her about us both being there the whole time, but I think part of the fun of it for us will be to let the 2 of them have some time together to talk/flirt without me there and that will turn me on as well! She will absolutely let him know right of the bat that she is married, happily, and that I am open to this stuff. At the end I would come in and hang out with them and stay for awhile longer all three of us....at least that is the idea. No matter what, even if it just turns out to be light flirting, that will be fine with both of us! We both just remember having a good time with each other when she was in another city on business and out at the bars and I was encouraging her to find some cute or hot guys to flirt with...we both were super horny when she got back from that trip.

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I'm confused, you say she wants to play with a girl but the bartender is a dude. Is this about her or about you? In any case, the lifestyle and vanilla world should never mix.

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I'm confused, you say she wants to play with a girl but the bartender is a dude. Is this about her or about you? In any case, the lifestyle and vanilla world should never mix.

 

It's about both of us. She is bi so yes she wants to play with a girl, but she also likes the idea of possibly playing with a guy. She likes this guy and wants to go back and flirt with him, and I want her to as well. How do we know this guy isn't in the lifestyle? Also we almost had a "non-vanilla" type experience, unexpectedly, with a "vanilla" couple about a month ago, so I don't see what you mean. There are sexually adventurous people in the vanilla world also. If the "lifestyle and vanilla world should never mix", how would you get any new swingers? Are they just created at birth? LOL

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I think this post sums our feelings up very well...

 

Ah, c'mon guys, where is your sense of adventure? I'd love this scenario - and for the OP's wife, it has clearly got her thinking of opening things up even if the plan doesn't come to pass the way they hope it will. At very least, it could lead to some explosive sex between ElDiablo and his wife IMHO. Sounds like a fun way to to test the waters.

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Sounds like a blast to me. I guess my only reservation is I would make sure it's not a place we go to frequently just in case it doesn't work out and we'd be too embarrassed to go back.

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Sounds like a blast to me. I guess my only reservation is I would make sure it's not a place we go to frequently just in case it doesn't work out and we'd be too embarrassed to go back.

 

Very good point! Yeah, this is not a place we would go to very much...so yeah if it doesn't work out we are fine with not going back for a long time if at all!

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So, we actually never made it back to that restaurant to try that. We are not sure if the guy even still works there or not, but we still talk about this regularly. We just got back from a vacation and at a high end restaurant, my wife was all made up again and there our waiter that was good looking and fun to talk to. We were very close to bringing up our fantasy to him to see if he would have been interested. But we ended up not asking. We are still new to this and trying to figure out how to do it. We are both down to try it one time though still.

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      3. Her husband could watch, but could not touch, period.
       
      I was excited by this as this girl is fairly attractive and now I have thoughts of her living out her fantasies when I see her, although I'd never say anything... ever. Anyways... my GF added to this story by explaining that for her to do a girl/girl experience, the rules would have to be exactly the same. Of course this got my juices flowing. I had to know more.
       
      The next day, I asked her about the conversation the girls had the night before. Asking her the obvious question about what she'd said. Her reply was a bit of a let down. she said that she was just talking and that she meant had she ever decided to do that and that she was past that in life now. (I'm 31, she's 32). I was disappointed, but I told her (and the other girl) there was a place she could go to satisfy her fantasy. (the local on-premise club) It was clear immediately that I opened a door for her that she didn't know existed. She sorta admitted it was more fantasy than something she was really looking to do... I'll digress on that one...
       
      Now, give me a minute to explain who each of us are... It's sort of integral to the forthcoming question(s). I was married for a long time. The relationship was bad, and without too much detail, our sex life reflected how awful our marriage really was. Not satisfied with things, I stepped out on her. A huge mistake, but it's what happened. I registered with Swing Lifestyle, created a premium account, and sought the company of singles and couples while I was married. I did meet one couple in the year that I was involved with the lifestyle guy. I fooled around with the girl in the couple only once or twice, but it gave me experience into the lifestyle. I liked it. I even contemplated bringing this to the wife, but I thought better of it and kept it my secret. When I met my GF, I cancelled my Swing Lifestyle and gave up the lifestyle altogether, promising that I'd only come back if and when I could come back with my GF.
       
      My GF has been around the block a lot, but all vanilla stuff with two exceptions. The first found her in bed with another couple, but not as a player. She was just there while the couple was having sex together. The second found her in bed with two men... She told me she had to leave the situation before anything happened. "I'm only built for one at a time." She said. She's had no other lifestyle experience whatsoever, but she's not dumb either; she knows what's out there.
       
      We both like to watch porn together. We're both voyeurs. She is the most sexual woman I've ever met, and I'm lucky to have it as good with her as I do. I'm also extremely sexual. I think although I don't have the experience she does, I'm less inhibited than she....
       
      ...onto the story -
       
      So having had the conversation about the local on-premise club, I asked my GF if she'd ever want to go. I was scared stiff to ask the question. If she said no, she'd wonder why I wanted to go. I thought it might destroy us. Much to my surprise though, she said we could absolutely go, but immediately followed it up with: "I'm not doing anything though." Still shocked, I explained that was fine and that we'd just be going to check the club out and be voyeurs for a night. Excited, I wanted to sit down, review the club's website and pick a date right then and there, but she was scheduled to have knee surgery in a few weeks and there would be no way we could have gone before that or before she recovered completely. We decided on going to our local club on March 13 (about 2 weeks from now).
       
      We had a few more conversations about going since the first time we discussed it. In those discussions she made it very clear to me that:
       
      1. She did not want to share me with anyone else.
      2. She wanted me to not want to share her with anyone else too.
       
      I completely understood her and reassured her that we were going strictly as voyeurs. She seemed ok with that and haven't talked much about going since then... until a few days ago.
       
      I have been doing ALL the research I can do to find out things like how the night is going to go down for first timers, what we should wear, how to politely say no, club etiquette, etc... in doing so, I started contacting current members and those who have been there before. I made friends with a few couples in the area, but just as mentors. All of this was in the open, and I never hid anything from Rachael, except for one thing: I would be ok sharing each other, although it's not something I'm prepared to lose the love of my life over.
       
      Last night, I was talking with someone about going to the club (as I've been doing almost every night for two weeks - yea, I'm excited!) and she asked me what my GF wanted to get out of the club visit. Having never considered that at all, I decided to ask her. Up the stairs I marched, laptop in hand and sat down with her and asked her. She said she didn't know and asked me the same question. As I was answering, she caught a line of text I typed about being curious about doing more in the lifestyle. This was a conversation I wanted to have, but not how it happened and when it happened. I was TERRIFIED that admitting to wanting to be open would do irreparable damage. I was seeking advice on how to do this when she found out. Now I'm not prepared.
       
      It got very nasty, and although the fight ended with us embracing and making lifelong promises, I don't know this fight will ever go away. Her sadness revolves around my being ok with sharing her with someone else. She went as far as to say that if I am willing to let her be with someone else, I am with the wrong woman. I quickly tried to backtrack to save my relationship. I tried explain that "doing more" or going further doesn't necessarily imply full swap or even soft swap... It might me being watched together, or same room sex, etc... It didn't work at first... She kept honing in on my desire to share her and how much that hurt. I tried to explain that I would never pressure her into something that she didn't want to do, and if she didn't want to explore openly as swingers, then WE don't want to... She didn't quite believe me there, although I meant it. If one of us or the other isn't ok with something, then WE together aren't. I believe that completely. For her though, it was all about my being ok with her being with another... She reiterated that would NEVER happen, ever.
       
      Given all that was said last night, I told her (and I meant it) that we might want to reconsider going to the club altogether. Despite the fight, she insisted that she wanted to go... to watch and take it all in visually. She also said that IF any action happened there, it would be in a private room with the blinds drawn. I've always believed this would be a victory for me at this point, as I did not want to have the conversation yet.
       
      People, I need help because now I'm confused. It's clear to me that she knows I want more from this than just voyeuring. It's clear to me that she's uncomfortable with that. It's also clear that she still wants to walk through the club's door with me. I don't know what to make of all of this. Is there still a remote curiosity in there?? Given what she's said will she ever come around to the lifestyle? Will there ever be an appropriate time to express to her that I might want to do more than just watch other couples? How do I do that while assuring her that she's all the woman I need and that it is just something I thought might be fun to share together, although we don't have to?
       
      I'm sorry, it sort of all just fell apart on me here at the end. My mind is racing again. This is a fragile situation for me, and I don't want to break my relationship, which until last night was impenetrable. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and answer (if you do)....
       
      Sincerely,
      The New Guy
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