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GomezAddams

The truth comes out, she is interested in swinging - what now?

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I've posted before about my sexually non-communicative wife. We've been to Desire a few times, a cruise and a couple of clubs. Some spontaneous soft swap stuff has happened. The other night she confessed that she really wants to full swap and even identified an (unfortunately unavailable) MFM candidate. I was able to figure out that she has a big fear of rejection and is thus hesitant for either of us to make the first move. Although she loves the resorts and swingers cruises, she feels like she doesn't want to do that more than twice a year. I think she wants to be hit on, but wants it to happen spontaneously.

 

Deep down, I knew all along that she wants to swap, but we always need to be explicitly on the same page. This revelation seems like a pretty big deal.

 

So the question is, "what next?" Asking her outright will lead to her clamming up, so all thoughts positive or negative are welcome.

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If your wife is sexually non-communicative, and asking her outright "what's next" would cuase her to clam up, I think it would probably be best to do nothing. Let her figure out what's next at her own pace. She'll let you know when she's ready and figures it out for herself.

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If your wife is sexually non-communicative, and asking her outright "what's next" would cuase her to clam up, I think it would probably be best to do nothing. Let her figure out what's next at her own pace. She'll let you know when she's ready and figures it out for herself.

 

I think sometimes it's ok to take the lead and make things happen. There is a chance that is what she was trying to say with the communication they just had. She has a fear of rejection and wants someone else to take control and make the moves.

 

He knows his wife best, so reading her intentions and basing actions on her is what is important. If you think it's appropriate, try taking the lead here. Tell her you will take charge and you will find some people for her to choose from. Filter through the people you think fit the bill and let her choose who she likes from the list. You setup the meetings with guys she finds hot, when you meet with them make sure you lead the interaction; ask him questions, make sure he fits the bill for both of you, prompt some flirting between them.

 

Take ownership, be willing to take responsibility for it so she doesn't have to.

 

All of that is based on knowing her better than we will. If you think she needs more time to get comfortable with the idea, then definitely wait. If you think she is passively trying to get you to take charge, then take charge. It's not the 'company line' around here, but I think there are cases where that works.

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While Slevin makes excellent points. He skipped a very important few steps.

 

First, being non communicative sexually or otherwise is a rather big hurdle to attempt to overcome. Before you attempt to graduate to adding others its far more important to be able to freely share whats going on upstairs as well as in the basements. If what you both have on your mind isnt the same.. you are headed for trouble.

 

Second, pretty much along the same lines.. Its great to have fantasies, and the desire to bring them to life, but if you or she isnt clear about EVERYTHING .. one word

 

STOP

 

This can be a great couples sport, so long as both are working for the the same home team.. And you both know the playbook you are each reading.

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I would suggest swinger clubs. If you (the two of you) are only interested in MFM then make sure you go to clubs on nights when they allow single men... As you sit together talk to her about which men she finds attractive, then go over and invite them to join you. Once they know you are interested they are likely to make a move and let her know they are interested.

 

Most women don't really like planned swinging (I know I don't). I prefer clubs and socials where things can just happen as they will. The idea of making an appointment to have sex (whether with my hubby or friends, or strangers) just doesn't appeal to me.

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I like Julie's suggestion. Many clubs have single male nights which seem to be what you are looking for.

 

Would suggest, however, that you go the first couple of times with an agreement to not play. That helps take the pressure off. Instead, use it as an opportunity to look at potential playmates, talk with others, and most importantly, talk to each other.

 

It's hard to find that time and space during your "everyday" lives, but going to a club allows you to escape for just a couple of hours.

 

If there is one "constant" you'll see on this board, it's how important ongoing communication is. If you can't figure out a way to talk about each others feelings, I think you'll find that being in the lifestyle will be challenging.

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Thanks everyone! It's not really an MFM thing- she's previously said she thought that would be weird until she recently blurted out about her best friend's husband. I suspect that I will be waiting until our next Naked Vacation for things to progress, as she won't go to clubs. It's all about spontaneity for her, I think. What really needs to happen is for her to be someplace where there are lifestyle folks without planning to be there, if that makes sense.

 

The last poster almost had it right- the two-drink wife gives a completely different answer than the no-drink wife (which should not be read as she needs to be drunk.)

 

Can't force it, though.

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One more thing- the reason Desire and the nude cruises work, I think, is because as much as she wants to swap, she can justify the trip as just a nude vacation in her mind. I know this because she's not interested in ordinary nude vacations, she likes the swinger element.

 

Go figure.

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You should invite her to join in this discussion, Gomez. My guess is she'd love it! Ask her to set up her own identity so we can easily separate you two.

 

Alura

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i agree that most times i hate going to a swingers club because my husband then expects something to happen. i like to have some time to see who turns me on first, thats why i love nudist resorts the best. i can relax at the pool and i have time to decide who i want to be with.

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i agree that most times i hate going to a swingers club because my husband then expects something to happen. i like to have some time to see who turns me on first, thats why i love nudist resorts the best. i can relax at the pool and i have time to decide who i want to be with.

 

That's clearly her approach. Layered over that seems to be some need of hers to be wooed/chased a bit. I think am going to see if she will go to a meet and greet at an off premise club. I think she'll see that as a non-sexual enough for her to open up and chat yet still provide an environment where she can flirt/be flirted with. I'm very interested in opinions on that.

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