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Ambition87

Trying to Understand Her Reasons for Swinging

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Hello All!

 

Brand new to this whole thing, and I have a question for anyone who can help.

 

My wife and I are recently married after being together for 5+ years. We are in our mid 20s currently and have only ever been with each other (sexually). We've been bouncing around the concept of swinging for the past few months.

 

Our sex life has been relatively average throughout the years. My wife enjoys sex, however the frequency of her orgasms have decreased over the years. She finds me attractive, however I think that she's losing the spark a bit. She wants to sleep with another man to ignite the spark and apply it to our relationship.

 

She's more interested in sleeping with another man to try it out. I'm open to the idea of sleeping with another woman, but just not as excited as she is for herself. We have discussed her sleeping with a guy she knows, who she is physically attracted to - however has zero feelings for (and is insistent she never will). I am a bit apprehensive of giving up our lifetime exclusivity although I believe humans are instinctively against monogamy.

 

My concerns are in the fact that this male is a single male. He has nothing close to the type of relationship that my wife & I have. This makes him a bit threatening to me, because of the lack of balance. He'll have something to one-up me on. We've discussed perhaps having a threesome (MFF) in order for it to be a fair exchange of sorts.

 

All in all I'm a bit lost on how I feel about the whole thing. Some days I think it's the worst idea I've ever heard and we are risking our whole marriage for pleasure. And some days I think we both could benefit from sex with other people to further grow sexually.

 

If anyone could give me some sort of advice - I would greatly appreciate it! :D

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:Welcome: from Oklahoma, Ambition 87! We're glad to have you with us and feel sure the answers from the fine folks who hang out here will help y'all with a question which all new swingers must answer. I hope you will stop by our Introductions Forum and tell us about yourselves. Don't hesitate to add your opinion to any thread or ask any question.

 

You're right that singles, unlike couples, have nothing to lose in swinging. Some understand how couples feel, but more don't seem to.

 

For that reason, I'm going to suggest y'all have your first experience with another couple. That levels the playing field in a way that would seem to make y'all more comfortable. It also makes more possibilities, MF MF, MFFM, MFM, FMF, etc., if two couples take turns.

 

An experience my late wife and I had was with a couple who'd married as seniors in high school and had never experienced anyone else. We were the second for each and it worked well. We played periodically for several years.

 

Good Luck

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Welcome aboard. I think before you decide upon who will be a part of your first swing experience, I think you two should have a look around this board and/or The Swingers Manual by Just Ask Julie. This will help give you a better idea of what you and your wife would be getting yourselves into.

 

Swinging is loads of fun, and can not only bring you and your spouse closer, you have the potential to make some wonderful friends. But first, you have to decide what it is you and your wife want out of this experience. That requires communication, and heaps of it.

 

Best of luck to y'all,

 

=)

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Welcome to the board.

 

I think everyone of us had to evaluate risks vs. benefits, not only for the first time but for each sexual adventure we share with others. The first time is a 'big gamble' for most of us, and the ones that felt the benefits outweighed the costs are the ones that hang around this forum. The others must be hanging out in some political chat room ;) I think the big difference between the two groups, is 'respect for eachother' (and perhaps a bit of luck). Selfishness is not sexy in a spouse or in a playmate.

 

So far, it sounds like you're on a good track with your exploration.

 

I also agree with Alura, find an experienced couple you can talk face-to-face with.

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Welcome to the board, hope it serves you well.

 

I am a bit apprehensive of giving up our lifetime exclusivity ...

 

Some people here may tell you that if you are not sure about what you are thinking of doing here, then you shouldn't do it, I would agree with them. The lifestyle does not suit most people.

 

 

All in all I'm a bit lost on how I feel about the whole thing. Some days I think it's the worst idea I've ever heard and we are risking our whole marriage for pleasure.

 

There are many of us here who have jumped in head first, apprehensions and all, and things worked out fine for many of us. But, there are many seasoned swingers here that have seen this scenario go down in flames. Most successful swingers are in their 40's and have been together for many years. You are young and have plenty of time to figure this out. Don't rush into it without researching it.

 

And some days I think we both could benefit from sex with other people to further grow sexually.

 

You can, take your time figuring out how you want to achieve that goal.

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Welcone to the Swingers Board.

 

I think you will find this question asked and answered in ways in this forum. It might be a good idea to look around and read some first, then ask again for specific questions you may have.

 

But as a base a few things are for sure.

  • You should have a rock solid relationship BEFORE ever considering swinging.
  • Swinging is not a solution to any problems in a relationship, those must be dealt with before swinging.
  • Full, open and complete honesty and communication is critical.
  • You will have to deal with certain issues, like jealousy, confusion and doubt to some degree, but the better the relationship and communication the easier that is.

 

Why do we swing?

  • Because we enjoy the new and different experiences, some of which we could not do alone.
  • We really enjoy sex.
  • We enjoy seeing each other have fun.
  • It adds a new dimension to our relationship.

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I have a few concerns about this situation and think there needs to be a little more soul searching and discussion before moving forward. My concerns are -

 

- She implies she will get some "spark" back in her marital sex life by banging some other specific available guy she has the hots for but essentially doesn't want to swing with her husband because she wants to "try it out" with this stud-dude first to see if it will work.

 

-This seems a little selfcentered and self-serving in that is her wanting to do this guy she has already picked out on her own for her own excitement and not something that they are working on together as a couple.

 

-The OP seems like deep down his motivation in this is for the wife to be more engaged and satisfied in their own sexlife rather than for him to be swinging himself. In other words if she were more engaged and satsified in their own relationship and sexlife he would be perfectly happy as a traditional monogamous couple.

 

-There isn't much discussion from his post that says that they are wanting to do this as a couple but rather for her to bang this one specific guy on her own to see if that makes her hornier in her own maritial bed.

 

I am just getting the gut feeling that she has the hots for this one specific guy and she is wanting permission to give him a test drive and try him out for size and is wanting permission up front to do it with the justification being that she will be hornier in their own sexlife.

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-There isn't much discussion from his post that says that they are wanting to do this as a couple but rather she wants to bang this one specific guy on her own to see if that makes her hornier in her own maritial bed.

 

I am just getting the gut feeling that she has the hots for this one specific guy and she is wanting permission to give him a test drive and try him out for size and is wanting permission up front to do it with the justification being that she will be hornier in their own sexlife.

 

Here is the vision I am having.

 

Sunday morning at the Ambition87 house - HE: "So honey, how was your date with Bob last night?"

 

SHE: "Oh God it was great! I'm really horny now lets get it on!" (fireworks follow)

 

HE: "Wow that was pretty hot, do you think I should get a girlfriend on the side too? "

 

SHE: "Ooooh I dunno, you know how I get kind of jealous. I guess you could give it a try. I guess you can ask someone if you can fuck them on the side but otherwise lets see how this works out with me fucking Bob. That got me pretty horny so I think this is all I need to get that spark back. I don't you really need to find anyone else. I think this is going to do the trick just fine."

 

Tues afternoon Mrs Ambition calls Mr Ambition at work - SHE: "Bob asked me to come over for dinner tonight and I was so horny the other day I said I would. Is that OK?"

 

That following weekend - SHE: "Bob has tickets for the concert this weekend and you know how revved up this band gets me, we are going to really have fun when I get home Sunday morning."

 

A couple weeks later - HE: " Honey you've been awfully busy and haven't been home much lately and you've seemed pretty distant and preoccupied lately. Is there something wrong?"

 

SHE: "Yeah, I'm sorry. Things have been crazy at work and I've stressed over all these other things and I just need to get away and unwind and think things through. Bob has gotten a great get-away package through his travel agent and has asked me to go with him to the Bahamas next week so I can get some relaxation on the beach and get my mind off of everything. I think by the time I get back from that I will know what it is that I am wanting to do."

 

Several months later- .......well you get the picture:(

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Welcome Ambition87,

 

From what you have posted, I would highly advise against even considering swinging at this time. It is unarguably an activity for couples who minimally believe that they have a secure, rewarding relationship to begin with. Not those who may be looking to replace that.

 

As wonderful as swinging can be, it is still a challenge to keep everything in an acceptable balance for the best of relationships. Perhaps that is one of the things that is so very desirable, the conquest. Not of sex with someone other than your partner, but to mutually accomplish that and have it bring pleasure to both of you.

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Ambition87 said:
. . . All in all I'm a bit lost on how I feel about the whole thing. Some days I think it's the worst idea I've ever heard and we are risking our whole marriage for pleasure. . .

It seems to me that you are not lost at all. You have described exactly how you feel about your wife's suggestion. Better for the both of you to wait a while on this one. Good luck on whatever you decide and in growing you sex lives.

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I think that was a bit harsh Newpants.

 

It has not been that long since we got into swinging, less than a year. And I remember well our first discussions about the topic. Things we wanted, and thought we wanted. Misconceptions we had. Early on, I remember my wife used the term "affair" when talking to another swinger. Being brand new to swinging and completely unaware of its social norms, that was just how she characterized having sex outside the marriage even with my consent and participation. She did not realize the use of the term was such a major faux pas, but once she did she learned the correct terminology and corrected how she referred to it.

 

In the end Newpants, you may be correct in your assessment, but it also maybe a clear Newbie mistake, not seeing the pitfalls and couching terms incorrectly. I will give the benefit of doubt to the OP.

 

prometheius, I agree with most of your post, except for one part, I would not tell them that if they are unsure about swinging at this stage to get out now. We had some apprehensive moments right up to the very last second. We have an extremely strong relationship and talked about swinging inside out over a long period of time. Even though we were both on the same page and agree completely we still had apprehension about the unknown. I would say that is not too uncommon from what I have experience and read. We quickly got over those apprehensions but not before we stuck our toes in the water.

 

As for the OP. There are a couple of things that make my ears perk up. First, you will find the prevailing wisdom is not to have sex with people you know from the vanilla world, or even swingers, that have been long time vanilla friends before you got into swinging. (Vanilla, by the way, refers to people who do not swing). Opinions vary, but most I have seen think it is a bad idea.

 

As for a "spark" my first thought was not a good. But he characterizes their sex life as average, i.e. normal. Having been together for well over 20 years, our sex life goes in cycles, at times we can't keep our hands off each other, at other times we slow down. It is depends on so many factors, whats going on in our lives, work, travel, the weather, phases of the moon.

 

When we first started talking about swinging, we felt we had a very good sex life, but we would have categorized our sex life as average as well when considered next to what we thought swinging was all about. Maybe even a bit boring, I mean really, compared to swapping partners, group sex etc, it really was. Looking back our sex life was pretty adventurous and probably not so average. But at the time we did not know that.

 

Your age and length of marriage may be another factor. You will find most swingers are a bit older and have been married for a while. Most, not all. It all depends on your maturity and how solid is your relationship. We have met people in the LS in there 50's married for decades that we thought shouldn't be swinging and young couples that truly got it.

 

Ambition87, I think you two are getting ahead of yourselves a bit, but that is understandable, everyone comes to the idea of swinging from a different place. You can't always choose how the idea comes to you, but you should understand that were that idea comes from, may be more telling than you realize. I think the concern here is that your wife may have found someone she wants to have sex with and this is just an excuse to do that with your permission. But on the flip side, it may just be this guy was the tipping point that made her realize she might like to have sex with other people, and what has transpired is an open and honest discussion.

 

You ask why people swing, you need to answer why you two want to swing. Picking out partners before you really understand why you want to do this is premature. It may turn out that the LS is not right for you, but you need to understand all the questions, (read these forums) and discuss it between you and your wife first. If you are satisfied that you understand what this is all about and still want to do it, and you and your wife can get on the same page, then maybe the LS is for you. If not them it probably isn't.

 

Last point, communication. For years we thought we communicated well. But we were married close to 20 years before we really were able to openly discuss anything and everything. Mostly we held back because we each were afraid of what the other MIGHT think. It was a little voice inside our heads that said, "If I say that s/he is going to be upset or get their feelings hurt". But we made an agreement to talk about everything, express our feelings about what the other said and try to understand it. We agreed to do this calmly and without judgment. When we say things things, that in the past would have hurt feelings or cause someone to be upset, now we simply tell the other, "I don't agree and here is why", or "I don't understand that, help me out". We continue to talk until we figure out what is best for us as a couple. We don't always agree initially but we get it worked out. Communication has to be open, nothing left unsaid or secret.

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Hello?

 

If I'm not mistaken, in the thread we should be responding to OP first and foremost. We can all post our responses and opinions and let the OP pick and choose as it were.

 

The best advice that seems to have been communicated is that for a variety of reasons, swinging is not recommended for this couple. After all, that was the thread title: Why get into swinging?.

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prometheius, I agree with most of your post, except for one part, I would not tell them that if they are unsure about swinging at this stage to get out now.

 

Unfortunately you misread what I meant. Rather than saying "get out now", I said, "if you are not sure about what you are thinking of doing here, then you shouldn't do it" (at least implying, not yet). I went on to say they both could benefit from sex with other people to further grow sexually if they take their time figuring out how they want to achieve that goal.

 

Just clarifying.

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Ambition87 said:
Hello All!

 

Brand new to this whole thing, and I have a question for anyone who can help.

 

My wife and I are recently married after being together for 5+ years. We are in our mid 20s currently and have only ever been with each other (sexually). We've been bouncing around the concept of swinging for the past few months.

 

Our sex life has been relatively average throughout the years. My wife enjoys sex, however the frequency of her orgasms have decreased over the years. She finds me attractive, however I think that she's losing the spark a bit. She wants to sleep with another man to ignite the spark and apply it to our relationship.

 

She's more interested in sleeping with another man to try it out. I'm open to the idea of sleeping with another woman, but just not as excited as she is for herself. We have discussed her sleeping with a guy she knows, who she is physically attracted to - however has zero feelings for (and is insistent she never will). I am a bit apprehensive of giving up our lifetime exclusivity although I believe humans are instinctively against monogamy.

 

My concerns are in the fact that this male is a single male. He has nothing close to the type of relationship that my wife & I have. This makes him a bit threatening to me, because of the lack of balance. He'll have something to one-up me on. We've discussed perhaps having a threesome (MFF) in order for it to be a fair exchange of sorts.

 

All in all I'm a bit lost on how I feel about the whole thing. Some days I think it's the worst idea I've ever heard and we are risking our whole marriage for pleasure. And some days I think we both could benefit from sex with other people to further grow sexually.

 

If anyone could give me some sort of advice - I would greatly appreciate it! :D

 

First Off Welcome Neighbor, Only an short drive north of Daytona..

 

Now to address your concerns. As we usually do, we refer you to our blog All about getting started..

 

The biggest thing you both need to do, is sit down and take a reality check. Its always hot to discuss these topics and flirt witth the idea of exploring what you have never had.. Someone Else, sexually

 

We around this forum offer all sort of advice, and the biggest being, talk until you both feel you have talked it to death, then start again.

 

You are dealing with relationship NAPALM.. Yes it can set the sheets of the bedroom on fire, but it can also burn to ashes any semblance of a relationship you have.

 

Your feelings and your writing scream this. The one thing unclear is are you both discussing the swinging seperate or as a couple (threesomes and foursomes) ?

 

As was offered by those above, it might be better to search for a like minded couple rather than a swinging single. Some folks get started with private meets, others go to clubs and house parties.. We prefer private ourselves

 

Its a choice to be discussed.. But, Since you are a young couple, there are a number of places LOCAL, that you can wade into the pool rather than JUMPING in.. Wanna try NUDISM, there is a place some 15 miles away, that is a Nude campsite/resort

 

If you are on SLS, look up, the Fantasy House, the places in deland and deltona, or the ones at the hotels in Kissimee..

 

Fantasy house is a smaller place, friendly, and all ages attend Fridays and Saturdays.. and there is NO PRESSURE..

 

As far as the M&M parties in deltona, we have never attended, but they, as well as those in attendance are nice people that for the most part we have talked to.

 

Feel free to contact us if you have any further questions..

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First and foremost, thank you everyone for responding! Your thoughts and suggestions have varied, which is exactly what I wanted to read - thank you!

 

In response to a few of the replies - my wife and I have excellent communication. I understand that this would be nearly impossible without communication. I went to these boards probably a little earlier than normal, but I'm a bit lost on the whole concept. (Although my parents are swingers..)

 

Here's a little more background, this guy that she has 'selected' has been selected because of his looks as well as his ability to keep a secret. My wife really just wants to sleep with another guy to see how it is... It turns her on. I think the guy could be just about anyone who matched similar criteria (attractive, fit, clean, & secretive).

 

However her distaste for the thought of swinging with another couple comes with the fact that she perceives swinging as 'dirty' & 'not secretive'. I agree, at the moment I think it's a bit dirty (but this is coming from a mid 20s guy who's only slept with one woman :D).

 

I'm quite certain I can handle the whole thought process of her sleeping with another man, but I don't like the loose ends of a single guy. But she feels that no one else at the moment can be trusted...

 

As of right now, we're both roughly about 50/50 on it - (I'm prob 40/60 against it & she's probably 60/40 for it)

 

It also sounds like a lot of distaste for bringing in vanilla people (lol not sure if I used that correctly) - which would include both this single guy as well as our potential threesome partner...

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As for a "spark" my first thought was not a good. But he characterizes their sex life as average, i.e. normal. Having been together for well over 20 years, our sex life goes in cycles, at times we can't keep our hands off each other, at other times we slow down. It is depends on so many factors, whats going on in our lives, work, travel, the weather, phases of the moon.

 

When we first started talking about swinging, we felt we had a very good sex life, but we would have categorized our sex life as average as well when considered next to what we thought swinging was all about. Maybe even a bit boring, I mean really, compared to swapping partners, group sex etc, it really was. Looking back our sex life was pretty adventurous and probably not so average. But at the time we did not know that.

 

You nailed this right on the head. I think part of our problem sexually is that I was always in pursuit of her. Therefore, when we were young, she never had to pursue. All sexual contact was essentially started by me. Not to mention she was a strict Catholic at the time (now we're talking about swinging LOL :D).

 

I think she's scared that she's having sex 'wrong' or that perhaps I'm making love to her 'wrong'. She's been orgasming with less & less frequency and feels less 'heated'. I think she wants to figure it out if it's her or me. Then work on making it better.

 

AND to top it off - she's feeling HOT right now. And she is smoking hot, every guy that walks by is looking at her. We're young & hot - feel like we're on top of the world. I think she wants to take advantage of that.

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Unfortunately you misread what I meant. Rather than saying "get out now", I said, "if you are not sure about what you are thinking of doing here, then you shouldn't do it" (at least implying, not yet). I went on to say they both could benefit from sex with other people to further grow sexually if they take their time figuring out how they want to achieve that goal.

 

Just clarifying.

 

I apologize fro my misunderstanding. In that case, I agree with you entirely :)

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There isn't much I can add to this thread.

 

As has been said before, communication is key.

 

Respect for each other. This includes respect for both of you from the prospective subject.

 

Relationships are sometimes lost due to swinging. Swinging is one of those areas of life that are magnified. If you're not in a good relationship, you're both going to fall apart. If you have an excellent relationship, yours will bloom like the wildest flower.

 

Actually, it would be beneficial if you BOTH read the boards at the same time. You never know, it could bring up topics you didn't even think of. Julie, the owner of this board, wrote an excellent book that's available at amazon. It's excellent! I have my own copy and I LOVE IT!!

 

Good luck to both of you and WELCOME to the board. It's a great board with a lot of knowledgeable people and we promise, we won't guide you in the wrong direction. If you have more questions, please ask. :)

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You nailed this right on the head. I think part of our problem sexually is that I was always in pursuit of her. Therefore, when we were young, she never had to pursue. All sexual contact was essentially started by me. Not to mention she was a strict Catholic at the time (now we're talking about swinging LOL :D).

 

I think she's scared that she's having sex 'wrong' or that perhaps I'm making love to her 'wrong'. She's been orgasming with less & less frequency and feels less 'heated'. I think she wants to figure it out if it's her or me. Then work on making it better.

 

AND to top it off - she's feeling HOT right now. And she is smoking hot, every guy that walks by is looking at her. We're young & hot - feel like we're on top of the world. I think she wants to take advantage of that.

 

This is going to turn out ugly. If she isn't feeling like your sex life is as exciting as it used to be then you should be working together to get the sexual spark back. Chances are that it isn't one of you doing something wrong. Trying to find out who is at fault is a dangerous perspective to take on it. I would not be comfortable with letting my wife go off and have sex with someone else in your situation.

 

If you said no to this, are you worried she might sneak off and do it anyway? What would she say if you said ok, but not with the guy she has picked out? Is it /this/ guy she wants to have sex with?

 

What else is going on in your relationship? You say that your wife is looking hot. How about you? Are you active and working out/exercising? Are you exploring new hobbies? Enjoying old hobbies? Trying new adventures alone/together? Have you gotten into a comfortable routine in your relationship? Do you get attention from other women?

 

Some things to think about...

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My initial impression was that you are very early in the discussion of swinging, which for us is when we were most confused, had the most incorrect assumptions about swinging and tended to make more mistakes on how we worded things and approached people. That is why I couched my replies the way I did. Perhaps I am just missing it, but I am not seeing the fundamental flaws that some are, hopefully I am correct, but its best you pay heed to all the advice you get here, not just the ones you like. It does vary from person to person, but we each see things a bit differently. That is one of the great values of this forum, many different perspectives.

 

It is good you are both communicating each other so well. as stated it is critical. That and having a solid relationship. Swinging is like turning a magnifying glass on your relationship. Both the good and bad are more clearly seen. So if your relationship has cracks in it now, they will only get worse with swinging.

 

I think it is admirable that you are seeking out advice so early, many take the plunge then look for advice. There were times when I wished we had come to these boards earlier, but there are also times I am glad we did not. We clearly were confused about a few things, even the taxonomy of swinging, and I am sure some would have told us to run from swinging as if our heads were on fire. We are glad we took the plunge, we love it and are happy and quite comfortable with our decision.

 

I will assume that you are not comfortable talking with you parents about the topic, since you apparently came here first. I can understand that on many levels. But you might be surprised at what they say.

 

The criteria for selecting your playmate fits with what most want in the LS, I think the fact there is a preexisting relationship there is what I think most see as a potential issue. I cannot really speak to it directly, as we have never faced that, but it seems to have not worked out well for most. Not to mention, you did not address the fact if he is interested in such a relationship. I can say we have ruled out coworkers and friends because of potential issues that we can see. But it seems to work for some.

 

I think the distaste for swinging is a bit amusing because of a recent thread on these forums. The point of the thread was that while many of your age group are "swinging" from a functional stand point, i.e. 3somes, group sex, swapping, the idea of swinging is a negative, or "dirty" as you put it. I think it is just a generational thing. Swinging means different things to different people, no two couples swing exactly the same way. Voyeurism/Exhibition is all some will do, some stop at soft swap, for others it is threesomes only, then there of course is full swap, and beyond that are fetishes. So swinging is what you want to make it. Call it whatever you wish, but in the end you are bringing others into your sexual relationship, so the same issues apply.

 

Do understand this, the things you list, attractive, fit, clean, & secretive (the word discreet is most often used in the LS) is exactly what most of us are looking for in our partners. Your original post also brings up one of the issues many have with single males. NSA (no strings attached) relationships can be a bit more tricky with singles as opposed to couples since they already have mates.

 

Also, maybe I am wrong, but I tend to believe that people within the LS would be more discreet. Swingers tend to not talk specifically of their exploits. I have been around too many men in my younger days that did not think twice about saying exactly what they did with whom. Couples, even singles within the LS, have much more incentive to keep their mouths shut about what they do with others than the average 20 something single male.

 

I completely understand your wife's motives. I was sexually active before I met my wife, she had never been with any other man before swinging. She was curious about how it felt and what she could learn in order to be a better lover to me. We discovered new things that turned us both on and our sex life together has improved, even though it was good before , it is better now. That said, swinging is not the only way to spice things up in the bedroom, you might want to try some intermediate steps before jumping into the deep end of the pool.

 

I also understand her reservations. My wife was the quintessential good little girl when we met, and for years after our marriage. She was brought up in a very Christian environment that would never understand swinging. Those were hurdles we had to overcome. I don't think it is all that uncommon either.

 

You say she is hot right NOW. More the reason to slow things down and communicate. Like they say never go shopping when you are hungry. Let your hormones cool off a bit and talk between yourselves some more. Don't make rash decisions when your horny I guess is what I am saying.

 

Good luck and have fun.

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Hey Ambition,

 

Well, I'm guessing you're even more concerned now that you've read all these sincere posts with good advice. But, the fact still remains that she is wanting to try this, right?

 

OK, first of all, if it all goes badly and the experience fails to do what she, and you too, want it to do it doesn't mean it's the end of the world or your relationship. A lot of couples try swinging, for a lot of different reasons, and it doesn't work for them and they still stay married and happy ever after.

 

But a lot of couples have one member who wants to try it, one who is so apprehensive that they prevent it from ever happening, and they're neither one ever really happy with the decision.

 

What I see that makes me feel good about her request is, just that, her request. She's wanting to discuss it with you and not act on her own. So, discuss it with her and hear her complete feelings. You don't have to say you're willing but do say you're completely interested in her desires for this.

 

I really think the worst thing is to try to prevent her from doing something she really wants to do.

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If you said no to this, are you worried she might sneak off and do it anyway? What would she say if you said ok, but not with the guy she has picked out? Is it /this/ guy she wants to have sex with?

 

What else is going on in your relationship? You say that your wife is looking hot. How about you? Are you active and working out/exercising? Are you exploring new hobbies? Enjoying old hobbies? Trying new adventures alone/together? Have you gotten into a comfortable routine in your relationship? Do you get attention from other women?

 

If I said no, she would not slip out and do it anyway - this I'm certain.

 

She seems fixated on this guy, but I believe if I could find an excellent alternative she would accept. I think it's just kind of a current fantasy. Not necessarily the actual person.

 

I'm looking good - I'm still in the process of shaping my body, but I've been athletically active my entire life playing sports and lifting weights. 190lbs 6'3

 

We are trying new adventures lately which has been awesome :D

 

I receive attention from other women.. but between work and life I don't see many single women. So it's hard to fully gauge it.

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This is going to turn out ugly. If she isn't feeling like your sex life is as exciting as it used to be then you should be working together to get the sexual spark back. Chances are that it isn't one of you doing something wrong. Trying to find out who is at fault is a dangerous perspective to take on it. I would not be comfortable with letting my wife go off and have sex with someone else in your situation.

 

If you said no to this, are you worried she might sneak off and do it anyway? What would she say if you said ok, but not with the guy she has picked out? Is it /this/ guy she wants to have sex with?

 

What else is going on in your relationship? You say that your wife is looking hot. How about you? Are you active and working out/exercising? Are you exploring new hobbies? Enjoying old hobbies? Trying new adventures alone/together? Have you gotten into a comfortable routine in your relationship? Do you get attention from other women?

 

Some things to think about...

 

I know the OP has already responded to this, but I just wanted to chime in and say I have the same thoughts as slevin. Please be careful. Your wife may have a wandering eye. The excitement of being able to have sex with other people, and actually having sex with them, is very very powerful. It's even more powerful if your wife is used to associating sex with love and not with casual fun.

 

I think it may be fine, but if I were you I would make sure to emphasize that the bond she has with you goes way beyond sex, and watch carefully for signs that she is bonding with another man.

 

It's funny that you have this "make hay while the sun shines" feeling while you are still in your 20s. I have a similar feeling now but it's a slightly anxious one, as at 44 I don't feel I have many years ahead of me where I can attract playmates from a pool I consider hot. I never thought of doing this in my 20s and 30s. From my perspective, the two of you have sooooo much time. Don't worry about feeling hot now. You have a lot of years ahead of you when you can still be very, very hot to a wide pool of people.

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Here is the vision I am having.

 

Sunday morning at the Ambition87 house - HE: "So honey, how was your date with Bob last night?"

 

SHE: "Oh God it was great! I'm really horny now lets get it on!" (fireworks follow)

 

HE: "Wow that was pretty hot, do you think I should get a girlfriend on the side too? "

 

SHE: "Ooooh I dunno, you know how I get kind of jealous. I guess you could give it a try. I guess you can ask someone if you can fuck them on the side but otherwise lets see how this works out with me fucking Bob. That got me pretty horny so I think this is all I need to get that spark back. I don't you really need to find anyone else. I think this is going to do the trick just fine."

 

Tues afternoon Mrs Ambition calls Mr Ambition at work - SHE: "Bob asked me to come over for dinner tonight and I was so horny the other day I said I would. Is that OK?"

 

That following weekend - SHE: "Bob has tickets for the concert this weekend and you know how revved up this band gets me, we are going to really have fun when I get home Sunday morning."

 

A couple weeks later - HE: " Honey you've been awfully busy and haven't been home much lately and you've seemed pretty distant and preoccupied lately. Is there something wrong?"

 

SHE: "Yeah, I'm sorry. Things have been crazy at work and I've stressed over all these other things and I just need to get away and unwind and think things through. Bob has gotten a great get-away package through his travel agent and has asked me to go with him to the Bahamas next week so I can get some relaxation on the beach and get my mind off of everything. I think by the time I get back from that I will know what it is that I am wanting to do."

 

Several months later- .......well you get the picture:(

 

 

When I first read this I agreed completely. After reading the OP's responses I agree even more. Already having a guy already picked out and not wanting to do this as a couple is what concerns me. This just has a bad smell to it, and it will be interesting to see how this plays out after she scratches her itch. This is a train wreck waiting to happen and already has one wheel off the track.

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I think the general consensus is that this single guy is really not a good fit for our attempt of swinging. I want to emphasis that we are very early in this whole process and I'm guessing that many couples who are into swinging got started with a simple question - "Do you think you'd ever consider having sex with [insert name]?". Or at least a close variation... I think this is our entry into the discussion of the lifestyle.

 

For the people who feel this is a train wreck waiting to happen, what would you think if she was completely cool with an alternative partner. Someone we don't know and nothing predetermined. Would this make the whole situation better?

 

I believe that our situation has less and less to do with the single guy and more to do with the scenario (being that he's physically attractive, but a complete asshole that she couldn't stand being with, who's also discreet). In her mind, a safe bet to have sex with and not get attached to.

 

All in all, the vibe I'm getting is that this single guy is asking for bad news. Although, maybe an experience with another couple could be good. If I understand this correctly, then it's exactly what I was thinking. Too much risk associated with a single man not in the lifestyle, but a couple swap could benefit us. Agreed?

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I think the general consensus is that this single guy is really not a good fit for our attempt of swinging. I want to emphasis that we are very early in this whole process and I'm guessing that many couples who are into swinging got started with a simple question - "Do you think you'd ever consider having sex with [insert name]?". Or at least a close variation... I think this is our entry into the discussion of the lifestyle.

 

For the people who feel this is a train wreck waiting to happen, what would you think if she was completely cool with an alternative partner. Someone we don't know and nothing predetermined. Would this make the whole situation better?

 

I believe that our situation has less and less to do with the single guy and more to do with the scenario (being that he's physically attractive, but a complete asshole that she couldn't stand being with, who's also discreet). In her mind, a safe bet to have sex with and not get attached to.

 

All in all, the vibe I'm getting is that this single guy is asking for bad news. Although, maybe an experience with another couple could be good. If I understand this correctly, then it's exactly what I was thinking. Too much risk associated with a single man not in the lifestyle, but a couple swap could benefit us. Agreed?

 

Yeah, I think you are starting to get it:) It is very common for new people to look into their current pool of friends, coworkers etc to begin their first couple steps and it is almost always a bad idea for many reasons.

 

I'll try to sum up some of my thoughts and concerns as concisely as possible.

 

#1. if a couple dips their toe into the swinging world because one or both are dissatisfied or has "a wandering eye" as another poster put it and they are looking to replace their partner or to get their sexual fullfillment from others instead of their partner, then the $#!^ is going to hit the fan.

 

Since you stated that your wife has her eye on this specific person and and so much of your postings have made it sound like this is all about her and that she wants to do this so she can get her sexual "spark" back, I have some concerns.

 

#2. On the otherhand if a couple looks into swinging together and everyone is on an equal playing field and both people are looking into for the mutual benifit of the couple and you are looking at is as a shared activity for the mutual excitement and benifit of both then that can be a good foundation to get started from.

 

 

And finally....From reading through your posts I think I am seeing signs of both #s 1 and 2 taking place and while I do have some concerns, I do think you are getting it and are understanding what people are telling you so I do think there is potential here.

 

My advice is to keep talking with each and BOTH of you keeping reading through this website and keep asking questions like the ones you have here.

 

I also agree with the other posters that have said to leave this particular man alone. AT THIS STAGE KEEP YOUR FRIENDS, NEIGHBORS, COWORKERS ETC ETC OUT OF YOUR BEDROOM!! When you feel you have learned enough and each of you understand each other and know what each others motivations and objectives are then you can begin to look for established swingers already in the lifestyle that have also gone through many of the same processes that you have.

 

Good luck, keep asking questions, keep doing research and work together as a couple and it will come to fruition.

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I think you're getting it, Ambition. I'm not so sure about your wife, though.

 

There has been more than one woman who initially thought a guy was a total ass and ended up marrying him.

 

I think swinging needs to have more of a balance than y'all are dealing with at the moment.

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I want to clarify that I am interested in swinging. I've always been MUCH more sexual than my wife. I am pretty much the wild one between the two of us, bringing up the idea of threesomes, swinging, etc... The thought was she would sleep with this guy and I could sleep with someone of my choice. I think I'd rather a threesome with my wife, the thought of her with another woman is almost unbearable :D (She is more than willing, but she doesn't want to do too much of the girl on girl stuff - maybe just kissing and touching).

 

I think part of me is just afraid of the unknown. I had always thought my wife would never want to get into any of this and here she is looking to explore. So I suppose apart of me is just shocked that she's getting into this concept... perhaps that's what I feel the most uncomfortable about. I think this feeling will diminish as I gain desire for my own sexual growth (which I've noticed over the past few days).

 

Over the past few days I've been able to wrap my head around the fact of her sleeping with another man. I am okay with that and it excites me. I am also excited to sleep with another woman or perhaps a MFF.

 

The biggest reason I came to these boards was to hear ya'lls opinion on this whole single male. I felt it had red flags but I wasn't sure if it was the lifestyle or the situation. I'm pretty convinced it's the situation, not the lifestyle.

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I want to clarify that I am interested in swinging. I've always been MUCH more sexual than my wife. I am pretty much the wild one between the two of us, bringing up the idea of threesomes, swinging, etc... The thought was she would sleep with this guy and I could sleep with someone of my choice. I think I'd rather a threesome with my wife, the thought of her with another woman is almost unbearable :D (She is more than willing, but she doesn't want to do too much of the girl on girl stuff - maybe just kissing and touching).

 

I think part of me is just afraid of the unknown. I had always thought my wife would never want to get into any of this and here she is looking to explore. So I suppose apart of me is just shocked that she's getting into this concept... perhaps that's what I feel the most uncomfortable about. I think this feeling will diminish as I gain desire for my own sexual growth (which I've noticed over the past few days).

 

Over the past few days I've been able to wrap my head around the fact of her sleeping with another man. I am okay with that and it excites me. I am also excited to sleep with another woman or perhaps a MFF.

 

The biggest reason I came to these boards was to hear ya'lls opinion on this whole single male. I felt it had red flags but I wasn't sure if it was the lifestyle or the situation. I'm pretty convinced it's the situation, not the lifestyle.

 

Thanks for the clarification. It's good to know that you are both interested in pursuing the lifestyle, and are beginning to get more comfortable with the idea. That's a great way to begin.

 

There is something to be said for following your intuition. If this guy, or something about the situation gives you pause, then by all means, take heed. There are plenty of great ways to meet others with whom to explore these new fantasies and desires. You can post a profile on one of the adult ad sites (such as SwingLifestyle), and/or you can find a swinger club or meet and greet in your area to attend. All methods have their advantages and disadvantages, but the one thing they all have in common is that they are means of finding other like-minded people. As has already been mentioned, many lifestylers are leery of bringing non-swinging friends/coworkers into their bedrooms. There is simply too much potential for issues with discretion or awkwardness in the relationship down the line.

 

As for whether swinging with singles is a good idea . . . Well, you'll find more opinions on that than colors in the rainbow here. I personally feel that whether a single male or female is considered a swinger has to do more with their mindset than the fact that they have sex with married people. And there are good single males and females out there, though it can be a bit of work to find them. Often what couples do to get around that "workload" is to seek other couples and enjoy different play configurations within that foursome.

 

Keep talking, and if you haven't already, please share this board with your wife. She may have questions or find topics of interest here, too.

 

=)

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Ambition87

 

Kudos should go out to all of the board members that have attempted to provide experiential advice in an attempt to possibly avert a relative disaster.

 

In the end, you and your wife will choose what you feel is best for both of you, hopefully.

 

My wife and I certainly could not have handled swinging when younger, if we were together then. We have only been able to enjoy in its pleasures as we have grown in our relationship.

 

Bet that we'll all be here for you one way or another.

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For all that are following along my journey... an interesting twist of fate has occurred. Without dragging out the details, it's been discovered through a random (completely random) discussion with a mutual friend that this single guy in question was into the lifestyle with his former fiance. Word is that they had threesomes, foursomes, swapping, etc.. before they moved apart and couldn't handle the distance.

 

I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but it does lower my guard a bit. My wife & I also had another small discussion regarding the topic and she mentioned she'd be interested in a threesome (MFM) with this single guy. I would definitely feel more comfortable in a threesome situation, as at least I'd have a bit of control over the situation...

 

Again, thank you to everyone who's followed along and chimed in the discussion. It's been wonderful to have your support (both for it and against it) - I know this thread is probably a bit self centered and drawn out, but it's been tremendous help! :D

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That is one issue that is a plus for choosing this guy, assuming it is true.

 

But you still need to think about a few things. How did this third party know he was a swinger? It might be a clue that he is not as discreet as you first thought.

 

How does you wife know this guy? Work, gym, high school/college friend? Co-workers are dangerous, just to much potential for problems.

 

How do you know him? Or do you really know him, beyond just a passing hello? I would recommend you get to know him a bit before you move forward. It would help you determine if there are other potential issues.

 

Do you have nay clue he would be interested doing this?

 

If things get sideways, go really bad, can your wife deal with loosing him as a friend. She really needs to answer that with the assumption things will go wrong. By that I mean, it is not enough to say "oh, I know things won't go wrong". Your jumping into the unknown for both of you.

 

How are you prepared to handle it? For some, seeing your wife react strongly to another man can be a tough thing to deal with. Fantasy vs. Reality can be the white elephant in the room no one wants to discuss. Explore this to the nth degree.

 

Give some thought to what happens next. It may be she wants to explore solo. Or the single guy becomes more interested in NOT having you there, even to the point of being a but possessive. Just realize there are a number of possible reactions, think about them. Discuss them and your reactions before hand. Making decisions on the fly can cause problems for couples.

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For all that are following along my journey... an interesting twist of fate has occurred. Without dragging out the details, it's been discovered through a random (completely random) discussion with a mutual friend that this single guy in question was into the lifestyle with his former fiance. Word is that they had threesomes, foursomes, swapping, etc.. before they moved apart and couldn't handle the distance.

 

I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but it does lower my guard a bit. My wife & I also had another small discussion regarding the topic and she mentioned she'd be interested in a threesome (MFM) with this single guy. I would definitely feel more comfortable in a threesome situation, as at least I'd have a bit of control over the situation...

 

Again, thank you to everyone who's followed along and chimed in the discussion. It's been wonderful to have your support (both for it and against it) - I know this thread is probably a bit self centered and drawn out, but it's been tremendous help! :D

 

Don't be concerned about the length of the thread or being a burden, collectively, we enjoy helping folks broaden their sexual horizons.

 

It sounds like a potential turn of good luck with the single guy having experience with this. I think a threesome can be a great way for yall to enjoy this adventure. Do a search on here for situations that arose in swinging encounters to get some ideas to discuss with each other.

 

The sex at your house ought to be getting pretty hot about now....

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But you still need to think about a few things. How did this third party know he was a swinger? It might be a clue that he is not as discreet as you first thought.

 

How does you wife know this guy? Work, gym, high school/college friend? Co-workers are dangerous, just to much potential for problems.

 

How do you know him? Or do you really know him, beyond just a passing hello? I would recommend you get to know him a bit before you move forward. It would help you determine if there are other potential issues.

 

Do you have nay clue he would be interested doing this?

 

If things get sideways, go really bad, can your wife deal with loosing him as a friend. She really needs to answer that with the assumption things will go wrong. By that I mean, it is not enough to say "oh, I know things won't go wrong". Your jumping into the unknown for both of you.

 

How are you prepared to handle it? For some, seeing your wife react strongly to another man can be a tough thing to deal with. Fantasy vs. Reality can be the white elephant in the room no one wants to discuss. Explore this to the nth degree.

 

3rd party found out from him while they were getting intimate one night. He maybe talked a bit quick, but didn't sound like he gave names or details.

 

We know him through a work connection, he works in the same industry as my wife (not same employer).

 

We've gone out with him a few times while he dated a friend of my wife.

 

I'm pretty sure he'd do this, she's beautiful and I think he's always looking to get laid.

 

She is pretty cool with losing him as a friend if this thing falls apart.

 

I think I can handle it, if I'm there. Not sure I can handle it with her alone. Great point about him having zero desire to do a MFM threesome - he very well may, not sure... Thanks for the thought provoking questions!

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So, he's not a coworker of yours or the Mrs. +1

And he's apparently dabbled in the lifestyle. +1

Your wife is willing to accept the consequences should things not work out. +1

You know him as more than a passing acquaintance and would trust him for a threesome. +1

 

I get the vibe, though you did not specifically say so that your wife would be okay with a MFM with this guy versus the solo play in which she expressed interest. Assuming I am correct, that would be another +1 for you. That leaves approaching the guy about a hookup. Should he respond favorably, then ya'll can hash out the details of what you and your wife are looking for with this experience.

 

Please keep us posted on your progress!

 

=)

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I think I can handle it, if I'm there. Not sure I can handle it with her alone. Great point about him having zero desire to do a MFM threesome - he very well may, not sure... Thanks for the thought provoking questions!

 

 

Sounds like you two are well on your way. Good luck.

 

I am personally one of those that believes you can rationalize a third in your relationship, talk about it, make peace with it best you can, but in the end, you just never know until you take the plunge.

 

There will likely be that nagging little voice in the back of your mind asking you questions and giving you a glimmer of doubt, maybe even after you do it. And that is not a bad thing.

 

Just remember, if the little voice is right and it turns out to be a mistake, it is not the end of the world. Just remain calm and talk it out with your wife. It may turn out the LS is not right for you and it was a learning experience, don't let it consume you.

 

You may also find out the LS is a great thing for the two of you, which I hope it is. Good luck and have fun.

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