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JustAskJulie

If you can't handle your partner going off alone, you can't handle swinging

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I just read this in a book (on swinging) and I want to know what the rest of you think about the quote below.

 

"If you can't handle your partner going off to be alone with someone else, you can't really handle swinging."

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"If you can't handle your partner (fill in the blank _____________) someone else, you can't really handle swinging."

 

Just different levels of comfort.

 

The statement is trying to force other people's comfort levels/rules on you.

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As one in an open marriage, I find it somewhat a bullshit statement for swinging. While some swingers may play alone, I feel playing together is the default, not the exception, in swing-land.

 

I think there's an entirely different mentality involved with being able to go off and play alone versus swinging together. Some swingers may be able to do both successfully, but personally, I'm not very fond of that statement as I am sure there are plenty on this board who might find it difficult to let their SO go off on their own (be it another room or completely separate), but who really thrive in a traditional swing environment. Obviously others' mileage may vary.

 

If the statement was "If you can't handle seeing your partner enjoying sex with another, then swinging isn't for you", I'd be more inclined to agree.

 

Just my .01.

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I have to agree with rpu3 and Biloxi.

 

That statement alone is false. I don't have a problem with seeing Dave with someone else and he doesn't have a problem with me being with someone else, but there are several reasons we don't do the separate room thing. We wouldn't appreciate someone else pushing their agenda on us by telling us because we can't handle it, we're going to fail as swingers.

 

I think we're pretty successful as swingers in a general definition -- even though we don't do separate rooms.

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JustAskJulie said:
I just read this in a book (on swinging) and I want to know what the rest of you think about the quote below.

 

"If you can't handle your partner going off to be alone with someone else, you can't really handle swinging."

 

Once again it appears that someone writes a book saying Swinging is their way or no way.

 

If that was the case I could make up 1000's of "what if's" and most would not qualify to call their self a "swinger".

 

Life is what you make of it, this Lifestyle is what you make of it. Lifestyle books are good for fixing short table legs.

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I would really disagree with that statement. I am not super comfortable with my SO going off with another guy simply because I worry about her safety. On top of that, part of the joy for us is doing these things together. To say that we can't handle swinging because we prefer to do it together seems a little ridiculous IMHO.

 

Now If you wanted to say we weren't the highest level of swinger because we only did same room that would be fine. Just invent some new name for us and then people can debate what really makes somebody qualify to have that title as well.

 

Who knows, maybe we can't handle "swinging", but we like having sex with people other than each other, and we like it a lot. Call it whatever the hell you want, we don't care.:)

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I'd say if the person quoted actually thinks that, they've got some learning to do about swinging.

 

One of the chief reasons my wife and I choose to play together is that we are together. We want to see each other having fun, enjoying things, making the sounds that come with it. Playing separate room doesn't bring that for us. Plus, my wife likes the pleasure of having two men at once. Can't do that if we're in separate rooms. It's also a safety issue for my wife. She doesn't like the idea of playing with someone new without me in the room.

 

We're currently on the lookout for a consistent (not monogamous necessarily) single male for my wife to play with. If such a person becomes a regular, my wife has had sex with him many times, and we trust him, then I'm ok with her playing with him alone. I think it'd be fun to come home and hear her moans coming from the bedroom. But, it'd have to be someone we know and trust and have played with several times before.

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JustAskJulie said:
"If you can't handle your partner going off to be alone with someone else, you can't really handle swinging."

 

We do pretty good together, always have, always will.

 

Since its our preference to play together, we would try to make it worth anyone's while to be cool with what we have to offer.

 

If not, we understand. That would hopefully be up to them to understand as well. Not everyone is compatible :cool:

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Hubby and I call ourselves an "open minded couple". We have wondered if we are actually defined as swingers. Having same room sex with another couple and swapping partners is very very hot and fun to us. I think trying to "define" any part of this life choice is useless. We do not even go so far as to call it a lifestyle! I mean we like going to Nascar races and football games and we read a lot of blogs and forums on said subjects but we do not label that aspect of our lives as a "lifestyle"

 

In my personal opinion if you and your partner have sex with "extra" partners while apart from each other that is an "open" relationship. If you and your partners choose to have sex with other people at the same time that is called...what...?? Some say swinging, some say group sex....I mean we could just go on and on all day and night trying to make up a definition that is all encompassing..I say let's just all do what makes us hot, in the way that makes us hot!!!!

 

I am getting hot just thinking about it!!!

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I guess I have a different take on the quote. It doesn't say anything about actually playing separately. I think being "able to handle" new situations in a calm, drama free manner is a good thing for everyone - sexual perverts or not ;) I think the value of the quote is that it is likely to cause someone reading it to stop and imagine a scenario where their partner is engaged in wild and satisfying sex with someone else, possibly out of sight and they'd recognize the familiar sounds of ecstasy.

 

The event may never occur. But I think it's good advise to be prepared for it. Rules are going to be broken during playtime and it's smart to be prepared.

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Well...since we are ok with seperate room play, I don't have a problem with separating from my SO when we are playing. Same room is ok. But after trying the sending him off to go play alone, I really didn't like that. If that makes us any less 'swinger'...well so be it. lol :)

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I think the statement in question is probably true . . . for the author. Aye, and there's the rub. Because people who are new to the lifestyle or considering it will likely read this and either feel obligated to try playing alone, or walk away from the whole deal because they aren't willing/ready.

 

Most of us here already know that swinging is what you make of it. And as far as I'm concerned, Mr. Sweet and I have done just fine in the lifestyle without playing alone (yet).

 

=)

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"If you can't handle your partner going off to be alone with someone else, you can't really handle swinging."

 

We would rather play together but I don't think that statement is quite as stupid as it sounds.

 

Are there any experienced swingers who can't handle it here?

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Chicup said:
We would rather play together but I don't think that statement is quite as stupid as it sounds.

 

Are there any experienced swingers who can't handle it here?

 

Depends on your definition of "experienced".

 

Mr. Sweet and I have been swinging for about 1.5 years. We have yet to try playing alone. Until VERY recently, it was something that was not even a consideration. Today was supposed to be our first experience. But as that did not pan out, we still don't know if this is something that will work for us.

 

?

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socolais said:
I guess I have a different take on the quote. It doesn't say anything about actually playing separately. I think being "able to handle" new situations in a calm, drama free manner is a good thing for everyone - sexual perverts or not ;) I think the value of the quote is that it is likely to cause someone reading it to stop and imagine a scenario where their partner is engaged in wild and satisfying sex with someone else, possibly out of sight and they'd recognize the familiar sounds of ecstasy.

 

The event may never occur. But I think it's good advice to be prepared for it. Rules are going to be broken during playtime and it's smart to be prepared.

 

I agree....it could have been clarified by the author more, but in principal those that have that attitude would be more comfortable "swinging"..... of course it is a hypothetical setting for some, but that's a choice!

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Is the writer talking about playing alone or just being alone with someone? It takes a great deal of trust to be a successful swinger. There's nothing wrong with insisting on same-room play, but if we saw a couple at a party that insisted that they never be out of each other's sight under any circumstances, we would think that couple had issues regarding trust. If your partner finds himself/herself alone with someone else, either by accident or design, you need to be confident that your partner will not violate any rules that the two of you have established for playing with others.

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Greg & Sheryl said:
Is the writer talking about playing alone or just being alone with someone? It takes a great deal of trust to be a successful swinger. There's nothing wrong with insisting on same-room play, but if we saw a couple at a party that insisted that they never be out of each other's sight under any circumstances, we would think that couple had issues regarding trust. If your partner finds himself/herself alone with someone else, either by accident or design, you need to be confident that your partner will not violate any rules that the two of you have established for playing with others.

 

Yeah, that's what I was trying getting at in my post.

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I agree with the author's statement to the extent that it reflects a level of trust. The statement in and of itself does not say you should play alone or that playing alone is the right way to do things. It does imply that the incapability is reflective of an underlying insecurity which does not belong in swinging. Funny thing is, I think all swingers go through a period in which they can't, whether or not they choose to. Swinging forces an evolution in thought processes, no matter how mature you may be when you start.

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"If you can't handle your partner going off to be alone with someone else, you can't really handle swinging."

 

Is the writer talking about playing alone or just being alone with someone?

 

Greg makes an excellent point. What exactly does the author mean by alone? Those of us with experience would question the meaning. Does the author mean....Watching your partner on the other side of the room alone talking/playing with someone else? Watching your partner go to another room to play with someone else? Or...Watching your partner walk out your own front door to go play with someone else?

 

Someone new would probably think it means separate room play and/or watching them walk out the front door. Neither of which I would recommend a new couple to try.

 

Swinging forces an evolution in thought processes, no matter how mature you may be when you start.

 

As lustylearning stated....swinging forces a maturity in your thought process. The majority of couples usually start out with soft swap, same room sex or same room swapping. As one matures in swinging you become more comfortable not only with swinging but within your own relationship...even a strong relationship in the beginning doesn't really know how they will handle things in swinging until it's been experienced.

 

Basically, I disagree with the statement. A couple never has to watch their partner go off alone with someone else and they can still be very successful swingers enjoying the stage they are at in swinging. Some couples only play together, some couples play in separate rooms and some couples enjoy watching their partner walk out the door for an alone playtime...it's all what the couple wants.

 

Teresa

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Is the writer talking about playing alone or just being alone with someone? It takes a great deal of trust to be a successful swinger. There's nothing wrong with insisting on same-room play, but if we saw a couple at a party that insisted that they never be out of each other's sight under any circumstances, we would think that couple had issues regarding trust. If your partner finds himself/herself alone with someone else, either by accident or design, you need to be confident that your partner will not violate any rules that the two of you have established for playing with others.

 

When you put it that way, yes the author's statement gains a little more validity. But it's obvious from this thread, that the statement wasn't specific enough, which leaves it open to several interpretations.

 

=)

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I guess it really depends on the overall context in which the statement was written ultimately. Tough to say what the author truly intended without the rest of the paragraph at least.

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Actually, we have played with a couple who ONLY do separate room who seem less "swingerly" than only same room couples. To the extent that we have decided not to play with them again, because they don't seem to have embraced the concept of the alternatives to "ordinary" sex- just regular sex and substituting play partner for spouse. And I feel that there's more to swinging than that. Besides, while separate room is fun, say, in the context of a house party, making it a hard-and-fast rule sort of loses half the fun of swinging- the mathematical possibilities of 4 (or more!) bodies in the same room.

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This has turned into a rather good discussion which actually makes me glad I posed the question the way that I did.

 

To elaborate, here's the full context (personally, I don't think it really clarifies much, which is why I didn't include it to begin with).

 

Quote
This is entirely up to you but it is my personal opinion that if you can't handle your partner going off to be alone with someone else, you can't really handle swinging. You might be worrying too much about what they're doing to really enjoy it yourself. Give each other space.

-from, Swinging For Beginners by Kaye Bellemeade

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Quote:

This is entirely up to you but it is my personal opinion that if you can't handle your partner going off to be alone with someone else, you can't really handle swinging. You might be worrying too much about what they're doing to really enjoy it yourself. Give each other space.

-from, Swinging For Beginners by Kaye Bellemeade

 

The bottom line it is their opinion, which is exactly what it is, no more no less. I like some people's opinion at times and sometimes I don't like their opinions. Just because you say it, doesn't mean I have to agree with you.

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In general, if you can't handle your partner having sex with someone while you're not there you're not gonna make it in swinging.

 

Mrs. Ekies and I can "handle" separate room, house, car, club and wherever else play...but we don't like it.

 

The word "handle" implies to me that the response you have to the idea is negative and not controllable. It's a form of jealousy and some people just can't reason their way through it. Some get angry and some react in other ways.

 

But GENERALLY speaking, if you react with more than a general dislike to separate play you won't be able to enjoy your partner being pleasured by another in same room circumstances thus eliminating you from swinging altogether.

 

That's just my opinion, I could be wrong.

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“This is entirely up to you but it is my personal opinion that if you can't handle your partner going off to be alone with someone else, you can't really handle swinging. You might be worrying too much about what they're doing to really enjoy it yourself. Give each other space.”

 

 

I’m going to play devil’s advocate here… (Please understand that I haven’t read the book, so I may be putting words into the author’s mouth. I don’t mean to – I think she could have explained herself better.)

 

Putting safety concerns aside for a minute, I think the author meant this paragraph to be a ‘gut check’ - a way to gauge your jealousy level. All things being equal (again, safety concerns aside) if the thought of your SO in another room with a playmate ignites any embers of jealousy within you, then maybe you need to think about that. In that context, I can not only understand the author’s point, but can also agree with it to a certain extent.

 

There’s also the ‘power’ issue. We have met some very controlling men in our experiences. We know more than one couple where the male insists on being in the same room, not because he’s concerned for her safety or turned on by watching, but because he wants to direct what happens, and approve just about every move she makes – one guy even wanted to approve of which position his wife screwed in. No, they’re not friends of ours – we met them at a party and were turned off completely by the men involved. ‘Give each other space’ is not only good advice in this instance, it may even qualify as ‘words to live by’ for these people.

 

As I said before, I think she could have explained this a lot better. I will give her points for declaring that it is just her opinion. Like I said, maybe I’m putting words into her mouth – I don’t know. It is a thought provoking topic though.

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There’s also the ‘power’ issue. We have met some very controlling men in our experiences. We know more than one couple where the male insists on being in the same room, not because he’s concerned for her safety or turned on by watching, but because he wants to direct what happens, and approve just about every move she makes – one guy even wanted to approve of which position his wife screwed in. No, they’re not friends of ours – we met them at a party and were turned off completely by the men involved. ‘Give each other space’ is not only good advice in this instance, it may even qualify as ‘words to live by’ for these people.

 

Good point, 'cause a guy acting like that's not gonna' get ANYWHERE with us!

 

=)

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I'm amused. Mr Honey and I have not yet tried out separate rooms and such...but I have to give us props for being able to have sex outside our relationships because, as a given, relationships always have baggage and to get past that and be able to communicate enough that Mr Honey can stick his dick in another woman while I watch and/or play with her mister....that's a big deal and I think THAT kind of honesty and realization and pat on the back gets lost on a lot of people. I think sometimes it's an ideal to be able to go off in a room all on your lonesome with your date, but if you don't you're some kind of pariah.

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I came back to this thread, because on another site I'm essentially being called a selfish slut because I mentioned that at a house party, it's possible to avoid the problem of the no-4-way-chemistry and play alone with someone, in the context of explaining what happens at a house party to someone who had never been to one. I have been told, very huffily, that people that look at swinging any way but their's (same-room, ALWAYS) are inferior morally, and that most swingers everywhere would definitely agree with them. May I just say that I appreciate the higher level of discourse on this site? That people here don't tend to make blanket statements that apply to all swingers, and that anyone who doesn't agree with their definition of swinger is WRONG. I'm glad I found you, so that I've got a broader range of "swingerdom" to share with. :4some:

(And I'd love to throw that quote up on that site, just to see what they'd do with it there!)

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(And I'd love to throw that quote up on that site, just to see what they'd do with it there!)

 

You should. Heck, go for it and let us know what happens.

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I came back to this thread, because on another site I'm essentially being called a selfish slut because I mentioned that at a house party, it's possible to avoid the problem of the no-4-way-chemistry and play alone with someone, in the context of explaining what happens at a house party to someone who had never been to one. I have been told, very huffily, that people that look at swinging any way but their's (same-room, ALWAYS) are inferior morally, and that most swingers everywhere would definitely agree with them. May I just say that I appreciate the higher level of discourse on this site? That people here don't tend to make blanket statements that apply to all swingers, and that anyone who doesn't agree with their definition of swinger is WRONG. I'm glad I found you, so that I've got a broader range of "swingerdom" to share with. :4some:

(And I'd love to throw that quote up on that site, just to see what they'd do with it there!)

 

I say go for it. And I'm with you on the house party thing. Not only can you get a break from the no-4-way-chemistry (or chemical imbalance among the two couples), but I like having the opportunity to play with multiple partners in an evening.

 

But there are those that choose to travel at a slower speed . . . nothing wrong with that, but it would be nice if they'd be a little less judgemental about others.

 

=)

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...it would be nice if they'd be a little less judgemental about others.

 

=)

 

Remember - it's their judgment that kept them on the sofa all night long, while everyone else was having fun... :D

 

 

Judge on, McDuff - meanwhile, I'm scoping out the nipples on that one over there...

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