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Newbie with a Scenario

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OK, first off I am new to the forums. I will give a little back story so you all can understand the scenario and help me out.

 

I am a 35 Male, I was married for almost 10 years, she cheated on our monogamous relationship, and left me and our two kids. I was left with two kids and a feeling of mistrust, and a little abandonment. I have always had a very healthy sexual appetite. When I was younger I could go for hours with a hard-on and have sex for hours. I was in the military and stationed in northern Florida, so ya I got what I wanted. When I could not get it I would jack off and get myself. I got married had kids and I wanted sex at lest 2 to 3 times a week. She could not give that me so I ended up watching porn and taking care of myself. I never stepped out on the marriage even though I had the opportunity to multiple times. Well of course 10 years later I got divorced, became a single parent. I went out and slept with a few women, I enjoyed tasting the rainbow so to say. Well I found this one women, we had unbelievable sex, we started dating. She ended up moving in 3 hours away from were here kids lived as her ex husband got primary joint custody.

 

The first time I had to leave home for a trip for 6 weeks 2 1/2 hours away everything was good at first. The next thing i know is I see her talking to another number over text a lot. I come home sneak a peak at her phone and see her talking to anther guy from work. He talks about how he would like to kiss her, he says she would have let him, he had a hotel room and she says oh that would be amazing. We fight about it as I feel betrayed, but I eventually push on with our life and try to put it in the past. 5 months later she goes on a work trip 2 hours away for one week. Everything that had happened was still in my mind and I did a wrong, I put a spy app on her phone. The first day she is there she meets a guy from another district and they are talking seductively to each other. I call her and bust her once again. After that we talk and she says she loves me, and with-in 3 weeks she quits her job. That was about a year ago.

 

We got married in between the two times, and did i mention the sex was out of this word after each time. She was hot, she was in control I was in paradise. Well we talk about having a child together, e start trying, and get pregnant. During this time frame we have some amazing sex and while i am at work one day she calls me. We start talking about our sexual adventures the night prior and she wants to ask something but does not want to tell me. I eventually figure out she wants to bring another women into our bed and watch my have sex with her. I'm a man so of course i am pleased. I have always had the thought of swinging since I had first gotten married the first time, so I talk to her about it. She says she is happy with the sex with me but wants to share me with another women.

 

She has me start doing the looking and what not, she was hands off even when I tried to involve her with some potential women. right before Turkey day tragedy hits and we lose our baby at 11 1/2 weeks. we are both crushed. She has an DNC.. right before X-mas I am at work and she starts talking to me seductively, and being really kinky. She sends me some videos of her playing with her breasts, and a video of her pleasuring herself with one of her new toys. I get home to a women that has tied herself up to the ceiling eyelet for the sex swing with a gag in her mouth. I devour her and we have some amazing sex.

 

After X-mas we still have sex but she just is not into it like she used to and seems to do it just to do it. I get my retirement orders from the Air Force and we talk about moving back to TX were her kids are so we don't have to be stuck with this long distance schedule that costs use a boatload each month to pick them up. Come the beginning of March she has her kids for spring break. On the Friday before the last weekend of spring break she drives them back down to TX to spend time with her family. the problem started there. She didn't come back after that. we start arguing... she tells me she is going to find a job go back to school, and I need to sell my house and she will not give up time with her kids. during this week I start getting the feeling she is going back to her old ways. nothing happened until that Saturday. A new number started texting her. We talk about divorce, and I don't bring up the new number. On that monday she says she has a job interview and will come Tuesday to pick up her stuff. I watch the cell phone bill and all monday she is texting this new number. Tuesday rolls around the new number texts her but she has not replied. she shows up we are polite to each other and play full like we always had been. We get as much of her cloths and stuff in the car as possible. she looks at me in the bedroom and grabs my head and gives me this deep passionate kiss. We end up having a quickie before the kids get home from school and she leaves before they do as well.

 

No comes the fun part the next day we are talking fine and I realize I need to pay the bills. I tell her this and she knows the cell phone bill is one of them. I use this as the opportunity to bust her. I save that bill as the last one, I pay it then send her a text that we were done I was tired of her going behind my back. I called the number and talked to the guy. He tells me she came over that monday after her interview but they did not doing anything. A fight ensues between me and her.. I leave it as we are done...she starts telling me how she was a bad wife, she fucked up etc.

 

After two days of calming down and talking she brings up marriage counseling. I set up the appointment for this last friday. On Wednesday night she is texting me and we are talking nicely and she is drinking some wine at her moms were she was staying. She gets extremely horny when she drinks. I bring up she left her toys here. Next thing I know we are talking about our sex life. she drops that she see's sex as just that sex, no emotion. she also realizes she has a fetish for seeing a guy cum. She tells me she was not going to do anything with any of those other guys. That's when she said it. she gets turned on by cheating. She tells me she wants me to go find a girl bring her back start having sex so she can come in and bust us. this goes on till about 2:30 AM the next day she wants me to take a video of myself cumming for her, yes I do it. she talked about how she wanted to be treat. she wanted me to choke her, slap her face, bite her thighs.. and so forth. She ends up coming that evening, my kids are at their real mothers for the weekend as they had Friday off school.

 

We proceed to have 3 hours of sex that night I came like 3 times she came at least 18 times. Her biggest thing was she didn't want the cuddly lovable sex she wanted me to treat her like a one night stand. Needless to say she was hurting by the end. she could not have any more sex. I have always outlasted her with my ability to go and go a second time without going limp...the third time I need a little time to recharge, same with any following the third. I am out of cum by the third time but I can still go.

 

I guess what I am getting to here is. I don't know how I feel about her having sex with other guys, I am ok with her jacking them off till they cum, then come home and fuck me. My stipulation was that she does not do any of this behind my back. If she is going to do something like that she needs to let me know she is going to talk to them, and what her plans are. For me it is so I know she will be safe as she is 5'6" 125LBS. She also brought up the whole birth control thing so I get the feeling she would like to have sex with some other guys but for my sake she is saying she does not want to train other guys to what she likes. I want us to start out slow and I talked to her about going to a swingers club but she is not sure if it will work as if I am there watching she will not get the feeling she is getting away with it.

 

I am very protective of women as I was raised by my mom and sister, I know that's why I don't like the idea of her with another man when I am not around, that and we both still want a baby and I don't want her to get pregnant accidentally by another man. Idea's, comments, questions?

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I read your post in full. Thanks for sharing it. I'm sorry to tell you, but all I see is danger here. Serious danger. I do not see your relationship as being stable in any respect. Swinging must have a stable relationship behind it for it to work. That's just not present here. You both do need counseling, and you have to be serious about it. It's ok for her to have her fetishes, the things that turn her on, but this...no, just no. Swinging is NEVER a solution to a problem. It's being considered here as a solution to a problem. It's been said here many times; swinging is a magnifying glass. What it finds, it magnifies. The two of you have a lot of problems that have to be worked through. Swinging WILL magnify those problems.

 

Purely from a parent stand point; PLEASE do not have another child while this relationship is on such rocky ground. The child does not deserve to be thrown into the middle of this mess.

 

Thank you for your service in the Air Force. Is it a full 20? Did you get sufficient retirement points?

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Thank you for your honesty.

 

What you said is exactly what has been going through my head. We are seeing a marriage counselor, and yes it was on Friday after we had the amazing sex. I mean the counselor even said that we have a good relationship other than some communication. (we did not ring up the part of talking about he liking to see guy cum and wanting me to be with another woman and her essentially getting horny at the idea of cheating.) We have communication issues I know this, and it is mostly her not willing to open up to me and tell me stuff of how she truly feels. By telling me about these deep fantasies it finally clicked and made sense why we have such a great relationship for a while after she pulls one of these stunts.

 

Am I wrong in thinking she is trying to find who she is sexually? I mean I knew swinging would magnify any issues we had, but at the same time I know that our issues lie withing our intimacy portion of our relationship. She is finally opening up about what she wants and part of me wants her to be happy, but the other tells me that this will end badly. How do we try to make this work so that she gets her arousal without jeopardizing our relationship and how do I get a relationship and the intimate relations.

 

I guess I like the idea of swinging because it is more of controlled environment, it's not Joe blow off the street who has AID's or Herpes and wants to pass it to anyone they can. That and the few swings I have met in the past when I was stationed in Vegas were very nice, understanding and most of all didn't push anything.

 

I am retiring under medical, at 17 years. I developed Asthma, have a bad back, ankle, and shoulder due to service. I tried to do my 20 but they told me no. I joined to serve, and I feel like I did not finish what I set out to do. my commander keeps telling me I served honorably, and I should hold my head high and ultimately in his eyes I served a full career and did it with dedication, and professionalism.

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RUN!!! Do NOT make this woman pregnant. Don't engage in any more of her games. You have a pension, medical benefits, access to BX and she has a vagina and plenty of access to additional penises. In the end, she will get what she wants and you could lose part of what you have. This is a dishonest relationship and frankly, I think she's a bit of a head case (and not in a good way). Sometimes its better to simply cut your losses and walk away. To me, this looks like one of those times.

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Thank you for your honesty.

 

What you said is exactly what has been going through my head. We are seeing a marriage counselor, and yes it was on Friday after we had the amazing sex. I mean the counselor even said that we have a good relationship other than some communication. (we did not ring up the part of talking about he liking to see guy cum and wanting me to be with another woman and her essentially getting horny at the idea of cheating.)

 

Ok, you need to talk completely openly with your counselor. If your counselor does not have the full set of facts, they can not give you the tools you need, make an accurate appraisal of what needs to be worked on, etc. If you have a physical health problem, do you keep information from your doctor? If the doctor says "does it hurt here when I press?" and it does, do you not tell your doctor? A physical doctor can't make an accurate diagnosis if they don't have all the facts. A marriage counselor is likewise hamstrung if you are not open with them. Understand, a counselor is required by law to keep your information confidential. Be open, completely open. Maybe your counselor can generate some alternate scenarios to satisfy your wife's fantasies without bringing other men into the mix. If so, that would be an excellent solution while your marriage is on such rocky ground.

 

We have communication issues I know this, and it is mostly her not willing to open up to me and tell me stuff of how she truly feels. By telling me about these deep fantasies it finally clicked and made sense why we have such a great relationship for a while after she pulls one of these stunts.

 

Swingers across the board will tell you that you have to have great communication in your relationship in order to begin to consider swinging...just BEGIN to consider. Also, you have to approach this issue of communication as 50/50. It isn't mostly on her for the problem nor is it mostly on her for the solution. You are partners. Either you as in the couple are right or you are wrong and it needs to be fixed. There is no blame game that will fix what ails you.

 

 

Am I wrong in thinking she is trying to find who she is sexually? I mean I knew swinging would magnify any issues we had, but at the same time I know that our issues lie withing our intimacy portion of our relationship. She is finally opening up about what she wants and part of me wants her to be happy, but the other tells me that this will end badly. How do we try to make this work so that she gets her arousal without jeopardizing our relationship and how do I get a relationship and the intimate relations.

 

Your issues lie in communication, intimacy, and trust from what I've read here in two posts. I would avoid compartmentalizing this into just one area. This is a broad spectrum issue. If what she wants is to make other men cum, then the two of you have to get to a MUCH better place in your relationship. It has to be built on absolute trust, absolute communication, absolute openness. The reward is she gets to play with other men. You can't have the reward without the work. It might take years to get to that point, or even not at all. Is she able to imagine herself doing that work, and maybe never getting there at all? If not, you're likely headed to break up.

 

She certainly sounds like she is working on finding who she is sexually. My wife went through something similar. She had always been absolutely certain, a million times over, that she would never swing, would always be monogamous, etc. Now we've been swinging for nine years, and she loves loves loves it. As our journey unfolded, we felt we tapped into an aspect of her that is highly sexual. I mean, she was always great in bed before, but we discovered that she has a very high level of sexuality, and having multiple men really fulfills her and makes her very happy. Like your wife, my wife loves making men cum. In particular, she very much enjoys having them cum in her vagina. Her all time favorite fantasy, unrealized, is having lots of men all cum in her one after another...5, 6, 7 men. But, will that be a reality? No. (a) It's too dangerous from an STD view and (b) finding the 10-14 guys (rule of thumb for gangbangs; always invite twice as many as you want) is virtually impossible and © she doesn't want just random guys, she wants guys she's previously had sex with and enjoys. So, it doesn't happen. The best she gets is me and her boyfriend of three years who is the only other allowed to go bareback with her.

 

The lesson here is that what we want is not always what we get, but we can get something like it. Your wife wants that sense of cheating. Getting it is unlikely to happen. But, she can enjoy making multiple men cum...once you work out your relationship difficulties.

 

I guess I like the idea of swinging because it is more of controlled environment, it's not Joe blow off the street who has AID's or Herpes and wants to pass it to anyone they can. That and the few swings I have met in the past when I was stationed in Vegas were very nice, understanding and most of all didn't push anything.

 

On STDs; there no evidence to suggest the incidence of STDs is any less among swingers than it is among the average population. Swingers wouldn't push, because we know better (well, there's always exceptions). Pushing means disaster. A danger in bringing in just a random guy is that he doesn't come equipped with knowledge about swinging. I.e., if he did become aware that your wife was playing with permission, he might think you're nucking futs and try to take her from you, because, you know, he's a REAL man! And crap like that. We've never run into guys like that who are swingers. We have seen stories here of situations that go sour because the single guy in question isn't a swinger.

 

I am retiring under medical, at 17 years. I developed Asthma, have a bad back, ankle, and shoulder due to service. I tried to do my 20 but they told me no. I joined to serve, and I feel like I did not finish what I set out to do. my commander keeps telling me I served honorably, and I should hold my head high and ultimately in his eyes I served a full career and did it with dedication, and professionalism.

 

Trust what your commander says. He sounds like a good one. Your medical situation is not your fault. Do not ever discount your service just because you didn't serve an additional three years. That's absurd. You raised your right hand multiple times, stood the line, did the duty. I'm sure I can speak for everyone here; you have our respect. Don't disrespect yourself for a situation beyond your control.

 

Are you getting disability? If so, what %?

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I'm sorry you are in this situation. It's great that you are going to a marriage counselor, but if you are not telling them the full story, I would not trust the assessment that your relationship is great and you just need a little communication help.

 

She has betrayed you, you snoop and spy, things swing from extremes of "I'm done" to "Let's have a baby!". None of that indicates a stable relationship.

 

I would get some really good birth control, tell the counselor what's really going on and continue to work on building your intimacy without others involved.

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Thank you all for what you have had to say. I guess the biggest issue why I have not left her and just quit is I know her family. They all hate me, mostly because I speak my mind and and not submissive to them. It is by my interactions especially with her mother that I got the understanding that she was raised as an intellectual, she was raised not to have emotions or feelings essentially. Now she does have them and has no idea how to control them. She has told me her head says we will not work out but her heart is telling her that she loves me and does not want to lose me.

 

The funny part is when we lost our baby she cried with me a little, but she buried her emotions a couple days later.

 

All in all I agree I need to let the counselor in on what the full story is.

 

She told me tonight that she has no feelings during the act of sex, it is just sex...her feelings are with the person not the act. I mean that sounds like me when I had some one night stands after my first divorce.

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Oh by the way I was given 70% disability rating by the Air Force and 100% workable by the VA.

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Cheating is NEVER swinging. She is cheating and has no apparent remorse from doing it. Even if what she wanted to do was swinging, you don't seem to want to do it. Swinging is a team sport that is done by two people together that brings them closer together. Everything she is doing is the opposite of swinging (cheating). Swingers don't condone cheating (much to many outsiders dismay) and more than the rest of the world. I'm so sorry for your loss and that you are having to go through the rest of this garbage, but I don't see things getting ANY better, only worse. Walk away, there are better women out there. Good luck...

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Cheating is NEVER swinging. She is cheating and has no apparent remorse from doing it. Even if what she wanted to do was swinging, you don't seem to want to do it. Swinging is a team sport that is done by two people together that brings them closer together. Everything she is doing is the opposite of swinging (cheating). Swingers don't condone cheating (much to many outsiders dismay) and more than the rest of the world. I'm so sorry for your loss and that you are having to go through the rest of this garbage, but I don't see things getting ANY better, only worse. Walk away, there are better women out there. Good luck...

 

Ya I keep telling myself to just let her go. We all know the saying, Easier said than done. I think she needs help, I have gone to counselors and been open with them in the past. I think there is a part of me that wants her to seek that help I got when I did counseling.

 

You are absolutely right cheating is cheating no matter the circle. Open relationships, Swingers, Monogamous you name it cheating shows a lack of trust and respect for another.

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...and I understand that it's easier said than done. The heart wants what the heart wants...stupid heart. Good luck and let us know how things go.

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...and I understand that it's easier said than done. The heart wants what the heart wants...stupid heart. Good luck and let us know how things go.

 

Thanks! We have marriage counseling on Thursday she will be video conferencing in over skype or something like that. I will be showing up a little early hoping to give the counselor the whole story and not hold anything back.

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