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DaggersNRoses

A conversation about intimacy and limits

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My husband and I decided to begin our real swinging experiences slowly wading in, sorta. We didn't have many rules and limits set on specifics that we felt were too intimate or shouldn't be done with others. We have been learning as we go by reading or hearing about other people's limits that there are so many things out there that other define too personal or not their thing or whatever.

 

So we find ourselves having a talk each time something comes up so we know where we stand on those things. We don't want something we never gave a thought to to suddenly become an issue between us. Oooh toe wiggling is too intimate, didn't even consider toes, hey honey, are we ok with wiggling our toes?

 

Seriously, what things do you draw the line at with a sex partner for whatever reason? What do you consider intimate and only between you and your spouse?

 

I'll share some of our own decisions and thoughts in a reply post. I am hoping responses to give us more to think on.

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The only real boundaries we still have are trying to not take one for the team, she doesn't do anal with others, we always use condoms and the standard no kids, poo, pee, animals etc.....

 

Other than that we are open to whatever those we are playing with are up for.

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The only real boundaries we still have are trying to not take one for the team, she doesn't do anal with others, we always use condoms and the standard no kids, poo, pee, animals etc.....

 

Other than that we are open to whatever those we are playing with are up for.

 

The standard ones are reasonable and are more exceptions out of the norm for those who want that than limits to me.

 

I mentioned in chat Wednesday that my husband brought up kissing. Somewhere he tripped over that one being a limit for a number of people. So he asked me if I was ok with that. It never occurred to me that kissing might be too intimate and not ok for ourselves so it opened conversation about what we thought of as intimacy and allowable activity.

 

I don't think a no kissing rule would be a breaker for us but I really can't see sex being smooth and natural without some kissing and touching.

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We agree with SwingerSet above. Really, nothing is off limits for us except the obvious ones like water sports, pain, underage, etc. anal is okay. Bareback is okay sometimes depending on who we are with. On that one we do discuss it first. But kissing, licking, cuddling, touching, and on and on is what makes sex fun so we don't limit ourselves on any of that. Even if we tried I'm not sure we could because all of the intimate stuff is what just happens naturally for us when we start to play. We would have to concentrate so hard on remembering not to do something, that we wouldn't have fun actually doing.

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We don't have tons of rules. Safe sex is #1. No taking one for the team, no being uncomfortable, my wife is would not be comfortable if I was off with a 25 year old I don't think (me I say go for it if she's able to nab one, lol). When we started we had a rule of same room swap. That lasted a few months. I would not be comfortable swinging with a couple that had a lot of rules. Too much to to keep track of.

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I'll admit that I wasn't prepared to watch them kiss very VERY passionately. We didn't discuss any rules. It was pretty much anything goes. The one thing that I thought was pretty awesome as I watched them was that every time he went into her she lifted her hips and curled her toes. I wondered if she did that with me.

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Pretty much the only rule we have left other than the obvious is no sleeping (literally) with friends and we go home (or to sleep) with one another. Everything else is a by case basis and we discuss it ahead of time.

 

I can say this...I know what's off limits when I see it - when one of us have this immediate negative reaction to seeing something happening. We then talk about it and see why we had the reaction and if it warrants a change in how we do things.

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The only thing I ever remember that we set as an absolute boundary was that my wife should not go to party with two different guys in successive encounters in one evening without telling me where she was and whom she was with. Any one was OK with me, but for some reason two without my prior knowledge was not. Don't know why, but it happened once and it bothered me. So we talked it out, set it as a boundary, and she never did it again.

 

There were things one or the other of us didn't like (anal, swallowing cum, etc.) and therefore didn't do, but we never set rigid boundaries other than as mentioned above.

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can say this...I know what's off limits when I see it - when one of us have this immediate negative reaction to seeing something happening. We then talk about it and see why we had the reaction and if it warrants a change in how we do things.

 

That makes sense. It could happen that what is normally ok is reacted to in a way that makes the situation something different. I think I will borrow this one, thanks.

 

We are a same room couple. The limits we do have are the normal ones that most of the replies have shared and no anal. For me, oral will be a maybe. I have to be in the mood for it but it's his body and his decision if he gives and receives or not.

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We had many rules when we started out. Most went right out the window after our first experience. I think we both felt the physical experience might encroach on our emotional connection to each other so we created rules to "protect" ourselves. We quickly figured out our love was even stronger than we had realized and stopped worrying about others coming between us.

 

We now have basically two sets of rules. Emotional and Safety.

 

On the emotional front it is simple. If either of us starts to even think either of us have the slightest idea/feeling of anything stronger than friendship or lust - we pull back immediately. Fortunately this has never been an issue.

 

Safety. We don't do things that jeopardize our physical well being. We practice safe sex, we stay together unless we know the other couple very well, etc.

 

Most of the other things mentioned, pain, rain etc., fall under the category of preference and are not in our playbook. But if one or the other wanted to go down that path, it would be fine as long as we stuck to the above two rules. Bondage for example, if she decided to try that, then I would need to be there to make sure she stayed safe.

 

Kissing, flirting, oral or whatever we choose to do is good beyond that.

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We now have basically two sets of rules. Emotional and Safety.

 

On the emotional front it is simple. If either of us starts to even think either of us have the slightest idea/feeling of anything stronger than friendship or lust - we pull back immediately. Fortunately this has never been an issue.

.

 

Kissing, holding hands, nibbling, touching and all the things that go into foreplay could be considered intimate but so is sex and these things are part of sex. They don't have to mean love and a closeness to the other person.

 

My husband doesn't feel these things require emotion and closeness with the other person to do. I initially had trouble seeing them separately but they really are.

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We are pretty open....no separate room play, no pain (a light playful slap once in a while is ok). No anal with other, just ourselves.

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I believe that counter intuitively the more rules you have and the more rigid you are the more likely you are to fail.

 

Like most beginners we had plenty and discussed things endlessly and the result was violations (in the heat of the moment) hurt feelings and you name it.

 

Once we made a decision that as long as the partner that was enjoying the moment could do whatever they wanted the issues disappeared.

 

We have next to none. No pain, no humiliation and no means no. Safe sex is variable depending on who it is and that's pretty much it.

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Oddly enough, we didn't have a lot of rules when we started out. It didn't occur to us to set a bunch of limits, especially as it impossible to determine every potential situation we might encounter and determine our feelings about such without having tried it first. We stuck with condoms for intercourse, same room, no anal, and no taking one for the team. We figured we could sort out the rest as we went along.

 

Over the years, the only one we've kept as an absolute is not taking one for the team. The others are negotiable. As for intimacy, we feel that the connection we share can't be altered with a particular sex act, so as long as neither of us has more than friendly and/or lustful feelings toward a playmate, it's all good.

 

=)

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I can say this...I know what's off limits when I see it - when one of us have this immediate negative reaction to seeing something happening. We then talk about it and see why we had the reaction and if it warrants a change in how we do things.

 

Unfortunately, I guess I feel the same way... but I can't really think of anything I've ever seen that I felt that way about. That said, the only thing I can think of that I put in things that kinda ick me out and therefore I think would make me uncomfortable but I've somehow (to my memory) managed to avoid them... cuddling and pet names. Pet names just because they annoy me anyway, but also because to me that's just intimate. I'm not talking baby or sweetie. I live in the South, everyone is sweetie... and baby is just a nice way of saying "I forgot your name". But, seriously if you called me cupcake, I'd probably be like "WTF?" and since my hubby and I don't really use Pet Names for each other, if he started calling some other woman by a pet name... I wouldn't care for that much. Cuddling again because to me that just feels intimate. A little bit of cuddling right after sex is necessary and acceptable IMO, but when it goes on for too long, I just start feeling like we've moved into a different territory. I'm honestly not totally sure if Pet feels the same way about those two things... I just avoid them on my part. He obviously has nothing to worry about with Pet Names, and I really don't think it would bother me to see him cuddling/ being cuddled... I love seeing him happy in any way, so as long as he looks like he's enjoying it and not miserable "OMG how long do I have to lay here before I can get up?".

 

I don't do anal, but that's not an intimacy thing... I just don't do anal.

 

We will pass on couples with overly specific rules laid out, including "no kissing". Even my feeling on no cuddling obviously isn't something we spell out, it's just something that we act out.

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Cuddling is one of those activities that has many different aspects, with casual play partners we usually will just get up and get ready to go, with friends we may lay there and cuddle while we talk, usually just a breather between rounds. There is one woman that I cuddle with but that is more a needed thing do to our style of play which involves some bdsm and very intense play. She needs the connection that cuddling allows after we are done, we found this out when we first started to play several years ago.

 

I agree with Julie on the pet names, not only do pet names drive me nuts but I also think if you are at a point where you are using a pet name for someone you are to close to them.

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I am a southern girl myself. I thought the words sweetie and honey were punctuations in sentences. LOL!

 

I am sadly one of those who uses those names often. I have been very mindful of not offending others but I'll tell you, my "flirting" is very lacking because I have a list of don'ts in my head now that I think I am chanting mentally while trying to say hello.

 

My husband actually feels real names are more intimate than nicknames. I am not sure he makes the leap from nickname to pet name for someone special to him. We have disagreed on this for years but I think for him, the nickname means he isn't so close to the other person as to warrant real or deep interaction, knowing them and becoming involved in their lives.

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This pet name discussion (or nicknames as I prefer) has made me think. I use them frequently in and out of the lifestyle, with both males and females.. I always have. I have been called by them and call others by them.

 

I have used them in a friendly way, sometimes specific and others are just general nicknames, like "hey bud" or "hello beautiful."

 

For specific nicknames there is virtually always a shared origin, like their screen name or something said in discussion.

 

I have never been aware of any negative response to them. Perhaps it is a Southern. I have traveled all over and hear them used with much greater frequency in the South.

 

While I do consider them a form of endearment I have never considered the use of nicknames in an of themselves taking on a meaning of extreme closeness, again maybe because they are so frequently used in the South. The closeness is signified by other things in my mind and nicknames reflect little more than familiarity.

 

Having read this thread I may have to rethink my use of nicknames.

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This pet name discussion (or nicknames as I prefer) has made me think.

 

That's just it... to me there is a difference in the connotations of the terms "pet name" and "nickname". A pet name has an emotional component to the connotation that a nickname does not have. Okay, so maybe my geeky, wanna-be writer is showing, but to me they are two different things. And while I use a lot of nicknames for folks, pet names are reserved for Mr. V.

 

On a serious note, how do you both feel on things like kissing, being physically flirtatious with touches, cuddling and other things some consider too intimate to do with others?

 

We have talked a lot about things like this over the past several weeks (again, I LOVE the communication these forums have engendered). And this particular discussion has been a bit difficult for me at times because to me, there is an emotional and intimate component to these kinds of things. However, to Mr. V, there is not. And I trust him enough to know that component isn't there for him just because it is for me. In other words, it's almost like we live in alternate realities in regards to exactly what these things mean (too much of my sci fi youth is showing now). And while I cannot understand what it is like in his reality, I know it to be real enough that I want to try to explore it. I may end up finding that I just can't go there because that reality is just too different from mine (i.e., I will always feel an emotional component). So if that happens I would end up not doing it any more. But I wouldn't have a problem with him kissing/cuddling/etc. because in his reality, there is no emotional component to those.

 

Weird? Maybe. But it appears to be working for us. Guess we'll figure out if we're right when we work up to our first experience. :)

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We have talked a lot about things like this over the past several weeks (again, I LOVE the communication these forums have engendered). And this particular discussion has been a bit difficult for me at times because to me, there is an emotional and intimate component to these kinds of things. :)

 

I can follow this one. I can see very large differences in how my husband and I view things. He separates sex from intimacy and love very easily. I can see where they are very different things but I have never had a full sexual experience that didn't include emotional things. I am only now exploring the concepts of sex being for purely physical enjoyment without the emotional connections and intimacies.

 

I have no fears of falling in love with a playmate but I have had to ask myself, will I actually enjoy sex without love? I am enjoying the sexual energy that builds but to what end. Where am I really going with that and will it be worth it to me to keep going farther? I'd like to find out what's there for me.

 

At this point, I can say that feeling comfortable enough not to worry I will offend someone by calling them sweety or touching them somewhere other than the elbow when only the elbow is considered non intimate is an absolute must. I want to feel ok with flirting, touching, being natural and normal. I am sure that these things can be sexual without love; I just don't know yet if I like it without.

 

The Rose

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The only rule we have is to be open and honest about literally everything we do and feel, have no secrets, be totally open with each other. Some people don't agree with that, like everyone should have their privacy.

 

If there's anything at all that either of us dislikes, we talk about it after the experience has finished of whether to do or not to do it in the future, we don't allow jealously to provoke any mood swings between us.

 

Generally, our number 1 rule is to try avoid getting emotionally attached to other people to try prevent love developing for the the person. Example, I'm allowed to meet with single men without my husband knowing and I don't have to tell him when I have done so, unlike other similar couples. If he asks what have I been up to today? If I've had sex with some guy then I tell him just that, if he wants the details then I tell him, he has no problem with it at all. It is when men start giving me flowers and saying things like they love me, they ask me out on a date, the sex starts to feel more like we're making passionate love, then I will stop seeing him. My husband knows I'm good like this so he doesn't get jealous or worried if I start loving him any less because of how someone else treats me like a princess or he might have a big dick who fucks me better than my husband ever has.

 

My heart is totally for my husband I will never expose it to another man, I love him that much. I'm just a very sexual and flirty kind of person, when I'm around an attractive man who I can tell fancies me I find ii very difficult to keep my legs closed, I've never been able to stay faithful to my ex's. So after I found my husband and realized how much he didn't mind me having sex with other men and he even loves it that I do, when he asked me to marry him I responded with a big fat YES!!

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The "limits" question comes up in many LS relationships but often means different things.

 

For couples just starting out, it's frequently part of a negotiation about "how far to go" reminiscent of the teenagers' conversation about "getting to first base" etc. The conversation there is about how much of we have are we willing to share with 'strangers'. Once those couples have figured out that swinging is about play, and their core relationship is not threatened, the limits get dropped except for safety issues ("condoms are a must", etc.) We were this way.

 

The other place where limits come up is symbolic--some couples feel that one physical aspect needs to be theirs alone. That's embedded in their relationship, and it's something that ends up being a shoulder shrug or a reason to move on.

 

The "no kissing" limit is a special case, one that we would have a difficult time with as well.

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