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BP72

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About BP72

  • Rank
    Not a swinger
  • Birthday 07/05/1972

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  • Relationship Status
    M Male
  • Location
    Indiana
  • Anniversary
    xx/xx/xxxx

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  1. lcmim, I did get your meaning, I just didn't phrase it anywhere as well as you did. When I started this thread, your meaning is what I understood to be true. Jane, I'm guessing you mean strictly concerning the hypersexual component? Because it's part of a bigger picture with more severe consequences for my family if they're not managed. Medically, there is no pill that will target the hypersexuality without other consequences. There are medications that will erase any sexual interest and dampen my mind to the point I cannot function without assistance. It took over two years of trial and error, a roller-coaster ride of side effects and loss of control, to find the balance of medications that bring my extremes under control and allow me to function. I have a really good doctor, because it can take many more years to go through all the different medications to find the ones that somehow work. Nobody is suggesting that it's in anyone's best interest to dive back into that hellscape. Psychologically, I've been given tools that do help manage my hypersexuality to some degree, along with many others to manage the velocity of any mood shifts that are trying to occur and to change the trajectory of ones that are going to any particular extreme. Primarily, though, I've been advised that my hypersexuality is something to be managed between myself and my wife. It's our marriage. Our agreement was in place before I posted here. P and C are right that I have zero concerns about the feelings of people I've never met making disparaging comments about our agreement or my condition. They're working so hard to deny me some weird Internet forum stamp of approval. It's not relevant. I'm also pretty sure their efforts to show how unwelcome I am have ruined the chance that I might hear from the others on this forum that could answer the question I actually asked. People dealing with their bipolar conditions rarely open themselves up about it, let alone in a place where the sanctimonious are so eager to judge them. Padoc, man, that stopped being a thing 30 years ago. Good luck to you too. You'll need it more than me.
  2. It seems like there's confusion between a sex drive and a compulsion. From what I've gathered, regular people have a sex drive that may or may not go up and down due to various internal and external situational factors. In any case, sex may or may not be on this person's mind and any particular moment of the day. My experience (and this doesn't speak for all hypersexual bipolsrs), is that sex drives every motivation. There is little I do beyond the basic activities of staying alive that do not ultimately have sex as a goal. In all the situations where making advances on someone would be inappropriate, I have to go to combat against myself. I am at battle with myself every minute of the day, and my hypersexuality isn't the only fight going on. I'm usually dealing with bipolar arguments in my mind at the same time. It's rare that I don't have two simultaneous, opposing views of any thought or situation to resolve. I had no reason to think everyone else wasn't doing the same thing until recently. Now I imagine that regular brains get more down-time, and that what I've got probably isn't the same thing as a sex drive. Saying I have a sex drive that's "constant" doesn't adequately describe it. It does not change during any of the swings back and forth from high moods and low moods. My motivation levels, energy and self esteem change, which make it less likely for me to act or put myself in a situation where sex might be possible. Regardless of my mood, until now, I had no defense against discovering a willing sex partner. I'm taking control of that now. I'm determining when and who, and I'm doing it within boundaries set together with my wife. It's not a cure-all, but lifts the siege and takes some of the fear out of my day. I think I'm back to understanding cheating's relationship with swinging. Swingers do cheat. Cheating is the wrong way to swing. Padoc, dude, really? You wasted your valuable time posting that? I've stated clearly and repeatedly what I'm here to learn. You and C believe your opinions are precious and beyond reproach, but I never asked for them. The hostility and willful ignorance you have put on display for everyone to see is why others in my condition - or with any condition - will not come forward to share their experiences. That's a shame.
  3. Judy, you're the first I've seen to include cheating as part of the lifestyle. That is alarming, not what I understood swinging to be, but explains why J&K warned against the lifestyle. Cheating is not an option. I'm not sure how to answer your question. I have no idea what qualifies as a "normal" desire or a "higher" desire. Neither is anything I've experienced. Listen, everyone, I enjoy answering questions. If you've never had someone like me to talk to and learn from, here's your chance. The odds are good that you know one or more people like me and they will never in a million years let on to you that this is going on inside them. But in case you do find out, I would be happy to to spare you the rookie mistakes that are going to alienate you from them forever. It's also clear that many of you feel the need to offer advice as if you're more qualified than the professionals treating me. As if you know more about my marriage than my wife and I. That's, I dunno... nice? Rude? Take your pick, but it is completely unnecessary. My questions are there in the post above. I appreciate any answers. I guess I need to add: Is cheating still swinging?
  4. I haven't seen anyone anywhere come up with an analogy that actually compares to sex addiction. Trying to explain it to my wife, I used smoking because she is a smoker. It explains the compulsion, and how substitutes such as the patch fall short. But, smokers don't feel compelled to experience every brand and form of flammable recreation. Smokers can also "quit" without taking important, intimate time away from their spouse. I grew up Catholic, so "sex is dirty/evil" was simply understood as the truth of things, but I also had solidly monogamous parents. There are a lot of times I wish I were like my Dad and only had eyes for the one I married. But that is not the truth of me. Knowing what I know now, I can go back and see the times I manipulated myself in one direction or another. At 16, I dated a deeply religious girl knowing that it would keep me from losing my virginity "too early." At 18, I suppose I thought I was old enough because I dated the complete opposite. In my 20's, I developed anxieties and panic disorder to avoid parties and crowds where I would have met other horny people. Somehow, probably due to the Internet and proliferation of free porn, I maintained serial monogamy. My interest in swinging began because there is a clear line between Cheating and Swinging. Whatever it is I'm doing, I don't want it to be Cheating. From what I've gathered from all the forums is that if you have prior consent and follow the rules that you both have agreed upon, you are not Cheating. My wife and I both feel that this is a reasonable premise to start from. It also helped that she had an interest in finding out more about herself, so going to clubs and seeing other swingers was something she wanted to do even if she didn't participate in any activity. What we found out is that she prefers exhibitionism. She feels proud in her body and likes showing it off. I think she felt good learning that. However, she never met anyone she would be interested in sexually and isn't interested in making and maintaining new social contacts because she already has her own huge social network mainly related to her work. My social network has room for improvement and as I mentioned in a previous post, I cut contact with some to avoid conflicts with the rules - which includes no sex with mutual friends or any coworkers. Now that I think about it, in my condition it's probably best to keep my social contact list small. I do think that, with her consent and our agreement, I can maintain one or more sexual relationships without threatening her, avoid cheating, and also finally stop spending ridiculous, unproductive amounts of time with porn. The question for us had been how to address my illness without threatening the marriage and, for now, we have an answer. My questions for the forum are still the same: If you're dealing with sex addiction or hypersexuality, how are you maintaining your marriage as well? And, is it still considered swinging? There are plenty of addicts in the lifestyle, as well as people who participate alone with the consent of their SO. Are they swingers too, or just here and making all the real swingers uncomfortable?
  5. Pete, you and C have the perspective I would expect coming from the outside looking in. You are grasping at metaphors to comprehend what you can't. A heroin addict is always a heroic addict whether they are shooting up or not. An alcoholic is still an alcoholic if they don't drink. A smoker is still a smoker without cigarettes. Even if each of these addicts were "dealing" with their addiction, through the sheer force of their will, what would you call shooting up with your wife every night? Drinking with your wife each night? Lighting up with your wife each night. Yes, I could not have sex like other addicts temporarily resist their addictions. No, it would not help my marriage. For the record, masturbation to me is like handing a smoker a syringe full of nicotine. That solves the problem, doesn't it? I know you meant that to be humorous, but do you seriously think I have not exhausted every pornographic avenue of self-pleasure in my efforts to keep this under control? It is also unfortunately common for people to regard those already dealing with an illness as "weaker" and "lesser" than them. Oh, if only you were a stronger person. A healthy person could find a way to deal with it. And the best: You should adjust your medication. These are incredibly naive things to say. If you feel compelled to post them, don't for your own sake. You reveal yourself as foolish, and not knowledgeable about the topic you are about to comment upon. I will state it again for what it's worth, because clearly some commenters will fail to read it and post anyway. My marriage, today, is absolutely great. My wife approves of me seeing other people for sex and we have rules and limits in place that keep my activity within her comfort zone. We are in no danger of a divorce as long as I can keep my compulsions under control. Today, I'm not afraid that I can't.
  6. Bless you, J&K. You have no idea how much it means to me to hear from you. I've been on medication that took away the libido along with everything else. That's not a solution. Before the diagnosis it was a constant battle between the part of me that worked to avoid compromising situations and the part of me that tried to engineer them. Until two years ago, I could rely somewhat on my social anxiety to put up a barrier. But then I had a breakdown that led to the diagnosis, and for whatever reason the social anxiety isn't there anymore. After my diagnosis I needed to re-evaluate every female social contact in my life and either break contact or re-frame the context so that, like you said, I couldn't put myself in a position where the opportunity could arise. For some, that meant revealing the problem and admitting I don't have control. It's isolating, but necessary to avoid doing something behind my wife's back. I'm hoping that will curtail cheating. Part of the problem is that for a society that treats sex like a shameful secret, you can't go for a minute without being exposed to a blatant trigger. Unless you avoid all media and advertisement. That's not a solution either. If having a fwb isn't considered swinging, then I'm ok with not being a swinger. I don't really care what it's called, just as long as it's not cheating and it's something my wife can accept.
  7. C&D, arguing from a position of ignorance is not bluntness, it's simply disrespect. You've disregarded every bit of information that does not fit into your preconceived narrative, and answered for yourself a question that I never asked because you didn't actually RTFOP. What was more important to you is to broadcast your own personal opinion on my life and my choices. Neither of these things are in question by anyone other than myself and my wife. Though it was never requested, your particular opinion is noted. Please do not feel obligated to restate it.
  8. C&D, there is no treatment for my condition. I will always be this way, unless we learn something amazing and wonderful about the brain before I die. I'm not going to judge your perspective. I don't know your history. But you are neither answering my questions nor moving this topic in a helpful direction.
  9. Thank you lcmim. I'm really hoping I'm not so unique. I'm hoping I'm just naive and conflicted enough to blab my details in public where others wouldn't. I like that you've framed this as one of any number of marital challenges that couples might encounter. In that way, we're already dealing with it the best we can - communication and therapy. In fact, I do snore and she is a light sleeper. That would kind of make the lifestyle something like my CPAP machine that keeps her from smothering me in the night. I do want to add that I try to be clear with the couples and singles that I meet why I'm in and she is not. I want honesty so I give it. So far I haven't had a bad experience with that.
  10. Hi C&D! From the research I've done and conversations I've had, I haven't found one example of a marriage that survived bipolar hypersexuality. But also, cultural conventions make it difficult to have any open discussion of the condition, so I'm hopeful there are hidden success stories out there somewhere. Our bond has been incredible from the start. I feel confident that if we were not in a strong, balanced, secure marriage already, we wouldn't be talking to each other and therapists, we'd be talking to lawyers. There's also the chance that we end up there no matter how strong we are, but I'm working to avoid that. We did start the lifestyle together. She had her own curiosity about it, but then decided that she wasn't really looking for anything else. I would never force her to stay in for my sake. I'm still in, with her permission, and if I keep to our rules she shouldn't have to rescind her permission.
  11. I'm sorry Jane, I'm too new to reply to your PM but I don't have a problem posting the answers here: Thanks for your questions Jane! I appreciate the sensitivity but it's no problem. Since I found out what I've actually been my whole life it's been a huge relief and I have questions so it's only fair I answer what I can from my own experience. Some sex addicts are hypersexual bipolars, but others are addicted for other reasons. All hypersexual bipolars are sex addicts. There will never be a time in our life when the compulsion isn't there, and when the opportunity arrives to act on it, there will be no inner voice saying "no." That does nothing to erase the regret after you've cheated. My insurance covers therapy, so I've been in that since I was diagnosed. I also have bipolar group support through NAMI. My wife goes to a different NAMI group for family members. My wife's insurance covers no mental health care, though we've decided to just go out of pocket because this really is too much to process alone. Couples counseling is out of reach for us without insurance. We do spend a lot of time each evening communicating and looking for balance in this. I tracked down some training on active listening to teach me to stop trying to explain myself and shut up and listen to her feelings. I did find a married woman who swings single and is also a sex addict though I don't believe for the same reason. It's possible we're outliers and we should stick among other addicts rather than try to mingle with others, but it seems plenty are already in the lifestyle and in general nobody identifies themselves one way or the other. It's also possible that it doesn't make a difference and I'm overthinking it.
  12. First post, I'm hoping to hear from people like me and maybe an outside perspective too. I'm a hypersexual bipolar who has been married for over 15 years. My life really doesn't make any sense without her. The diagnosis is recent, so it wasn't something that was on the table for my wife to accept or reject beforehand. I'm drawn to the lifestyle because it encourages sexual rules and boundaries and an ongoing level of openness with my wife that wouldn't be there otherwise when I seek out sex with others. She is not interested in the lifestyle though she has come with me to a couple of club parties. We are having the best and most frequent sex of our marriage right now, but we both know it's because we finally understand that I have a hypersexual condition. Now she feels pressure to be the equal of my desires even though that's not possible. It really makes no sense that I'm interested in sex with anyone else, but hypersexuality doesn't have an "off" switch and is always pushing for more. More sex. More partners. More anything. My interest in the lifestyle puts pressure on top of that. I'm concerned that we're not coming into the lifestyle via a shared interest in sexual exploration. We're coming into this as the most likely option to keep our marriage working despite my desire for sex that, at times, is just barely under control. She's under the gun to accept this, as I don't have any other ideas for healthy alternatives. She has come a long way in a short time and rarely is anything but supportive, but it's still a very emotional process for her. We're both trying to make a decent hand out of the cards we've been dealt. I think I'm not alone, though possibly others won't want to reveal their own diagnosis. Bipolars don't often talk about hypersexuality even among themselves. Has someone like me kept their marriage together via the lifestyle? Please, I'll hear any advice. In my situation do I still fall under the definition of a swinger or am I something else? We're in this together, but as the good option among terrible ones. If she gives me consent to be here because the alternative is bad, does it still count? I'm curious enough to ask the forum, but that could be something the two of us need to work out for ourselves.
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