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thekolonel

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About thekolonel

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  • Birthday 10/05/1973

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    NYC
  1. I wrestled with this very question several times last weekend. Our solution was to alternate from night to night. If you truly want to spoil your friend, let her sleep in the middle. She'll feel like a princess.
  2. Phew EBF. That was an action-packed post. I think part of the problem is that people misuse the "bisexual" label, especially in our girl-on-girl-obsessed culture. The term has lost its meaning. To me, bisexuals are people who are open to the idea of cultivating romantic relationships with either gender. Everyone else is probably better described as heteroflexible (or homoflexible... LOL). Why is this distinction important? Well, if you are a heteroflexible woman your attraction to other women doesn't impact your life in any significant way outside the bedroom. You can easily shield your proclivities from your friends. On the other hand, if you are bi there's always the potential of meeting a woman and falling in love, which is almost impossible to hide from the people who are close to you. If they aren't supportive then they aren't really your friends, IMO. Mary may have made a mistake by announcing her bisexuality so openly (how did she do this, by the way?), but the reality is people are going to talk anyway. If Mary never said anything but started dating Jane I'm certain the same rumors would be flying about. At any rate, it sounds like a no-win scenario. Either keep quiet and try to meet like-minded men and women using the secret bi handshake (even if she only dates men they presumably have to be ok with her little secret), or be open about it and incur the wrath of the tight-assed community at large. Yeesh. Not to rag on anyone's hometown or anything, but NYC does have its advantages.
  3. I don't think anyone was talking about "letting it all hang out." The OP was talking about confiding in her friends. When conversation among friends turns to subjects like relationships and sex it's a question of whether you can trust them enough to let them know you are different (gay, bi, or poly). At any rate, it's difficult for, say, a gay man to hide that facet of himself from his friends. And true friends won't judge him for it. I have a friend from my college days who's gay. I don't mind knowing he has relationships with men any more than he minds knowing I have relationships with women. Him telling me he's moving in with someone wouldn't be any less dignified than me telling him I'm getting married. The mistake you're making here is conflating sexual activities with sexual identity. Sucking cock, swinging and BDSM are recreational sex activies. Heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality and polyamory are identities. When I meet a married couple I don't think "Wow, that guy must like eating her pussy... GROSS! Why does he flaunt it like that?" Why should it be any different for a non-hetero couple? And yeah, if I were bisexual or gay I'd be pretty upset if my friends couldn't handle that simple (and important, relationship-wise) fact. Huh? When did I say anyone was wrong for not sharing? Ah right, I'm just one of those "snobs" from Noo Yerk City. Get real, bear. And while you're at it, look up "ad hominem" in the dictionary. Like I said before, simply knowing someone happens to be gay, bi, whatever doesn't bother me. As long as they don't have to hear the gritty details, any reasonable person would shrug their shoulders and say "whatever works for them." Swinging, BDSM, watersports, whatever may be different, since it's difficult to discuss them without getting into the gritty detail. But, then again, activities aren't the point of this thread. Careful fella, you're beginning to sound like a slack-jawed yokel.
  4. Bear, I think you are missing the point here. I don't see anyone advocating hanging a giant banner on their front lawn espousing their affinity for recreational sex. Swinging may, in fact, just be about sex but bisexuality and polyamory are deeper facets of human sexuality. Sexuality is a large part of most people's identities. Vanilla heterosexuals spend a lot of time talking about dating and mating--you hear your friends talking about it, you see it on the TV, you read about it in magazines. Marriage is considered one of the most important events in a person's life. So, yes, people do wear their sexuality on their shirtsleeves. Case in point from Piggy's post: "As is natural (I think) for people in thier early 20s, conversation is frequently focuses on sex. At these times I do feel like I am being dishonest. As everyone else is making all sorts of comments and jokes about sex I feel like I can't say anything." To say it's "tacky" for a bisexual person to engage in the same sort of sex and relationships banter that heterosexuals do all the time strikes me as odd. You are effectively reducing being gay, bisexual or polyamorous to the movement of body parts, and placing heterosexuality on a pedestal. Piggy, if any of your friends would be truly put off by your bisexuality then perhaps they aren't such good friends afterall.
  5. LOL! Remember that Seinfeld episode where George is back at a woman's place making out, realizes he has to go, and runs out of the apt in terror because the bathroom's too close? "There was no buffer, Jerry!" I always eat light before a play session. Never understood the concept of people gorging themselves on food before jumping into an orgy. Pepto Bismol works wonders too if you really must eat a lot. And sure, why not shower? I don't think anyone would hold it against you. As for naughtygirl, all I can say is yuck. Maybe I'm just incredibly lucky, but that's never happened to me. Sure, sometimes girls taste a little bitter at a certain point in their cycle, or they might be a little musky from having been out all night, but that's not a huge deal. A horrible smell though? That would sour me on pussy for weeks. That would leave permanent scars. I don't know what I'd do (run from the room screaming, maybe?) but I wouldn't go through with it, that's for damn sure. How hard is it to give yourself a quick wipe before playing? Most of the parties we've been to had sanitary naps and such in the bathroom. Plus, there's a chance that if someone smells horrible they might have an infection or STD of some sort. Yuck yuck.
  6. I could be wrong, but I believe posting attributed excerpts of material put up for public consumption is governed under fair use, like quoting part of a book or article. At any rate I encourage people to go look for themselves. I agree that there's no reason for people to be rude. It's one thing to openly state your requirements and it's another thing to rag on people who you feel do not fit them. To my knowledge, none of the events I have attended advertised anything along the lines of "no fat ugly people" and if I did see something like this I'd take my business elsewhere. Yeah, I think it sucks that people develop such an attitude about it. I've overheard some rude comments, and I'm sure I've been the recipient of some rude comments. Hell, I'll admit that when I got into this I had some preconceived notions about swingers but as I learn more I'm beginning to shed some of my own biases. Honestly, Y, I don't know exactly what swinging is or should be. It is oft-said that if you ask ten swingers what swinging is you will get ten different answers. Sometimes I look at the way other people I know go about it and think they surely must be missing the point. But I'm still trying to figure out what I want to get out of all this myself.
  7. What NASCA actually says: Note that this is 1) a totally optional part of being a NASCA affiliate and 2) EOLO in no way refers to age or looks. Just a point of order. So in other words, yes, you can have your midget party as long as you are upfront about your door policy. Sounds reasonable to me. Well, then, fine. I can respect your opinion even though I might not share it. All I can say is I feel a little put off because I came to this message board to hopefully learn some things, and now I feel like I'm being damned for swinging the "wrong" way. I thought it wasn't about that. Anyone who thinks I went to any of these "exclusive" parties out of some sense of superiority or snobbishness is dead wrong. A friend simply said, "hey get in touch with so-and-so, you'll enjoy the parties." I didn't want to waste time on the big clubs I had heard so many bad things about, and being used to living in a city where there are velvet ropes guarding just about everything I didn't think twice about the attractiveness caveat. So yes, Y, I do "dig" what you are saying, and I am open-minded about many things, but I feel like I have been backed into a hard-line position by certain fools who would paint everyone my age with the same predjudicial brush. If you guys would focus more on having an open, honest exchange with me as individuals rather than reflexively circling the wagons I think there are some ways we could bridge the divide.
  8. I haven't said anything about my looks nor bragged about my intelligence, but I do take exception to the notion that young attractive people are automatically shallow, unintelligent snobs. And I think DA was just sticking up for himself in light of bear's negative generalizations. Um, I have already addressed this notion a few times in a few different ways. Think about it this way. If I throw a play party at my house and decide only to invite those who I deem physically appealing I'm sure everyone would agree it is my choice to do so and doesn't infringe on anyone else's choice to do as they please. In fact, some people might even find out about my little party and be miffed that they didn't get an invite, but still, who can argue that I am somehow morally obligated to invite them? It's my party, right? And I'll cry if I want to, as the song goes. Now suppose, further, that I place a personal ad mentioning I'm throwing this party and that I'm looking for barely-legal swimsuit models or whatever. Still my private individual choice as a swinger, right? Certainly not an attack on anyone. So how's this any different than me deciding I want to rent out a place for the night and fill it with people of my choosing, handing out a flyer with my requirements rather than posting a personals ad? It's still my party, after all. How is this suddenly transformed into an affront to swingerdom? This is the crux of the issue, and thus far no one from the anti-beauty camp has put forth a logical explanation as to how the former scenario can be considered a perfectly reasonable individual choice and the latter an attack on humanity. Hmmm... who's sounding intolerant now? If you met me at a club I'd hope you'd at least treat me with respect, but alas, that seems to be too much to ask for around here. Yeah, I'm a snob. A bodybuilder. I'm applying for my mensa membership as write this. Tomorrow I'm having my picture taken for GQ. I'm part of a sinister cabal named "Ban Teh Uglees". We meet by firelight and sacrifice virgins. I also abuse small animals, including several on the endangered species list. Whatever psychological defense mechanism helps you sleep, Y. I wouldn't ever pray for someone else's party to fail because, quite simply, I'm satisfied with my own. Which again gets at the core of my suspicions about some of the naysayers; lacking true contentment in their own swinging activities they attack those who they suspect are having a better time of it. I'm quite sure there are a ton of parties going on which wouldn't have me on the guest list for whatever reason. But you know what? I hope they're having fun.
  9. It's only divisive because some people want in, for whatever reason, and complain about it. If you are truly happy with your swing circle there's no reason to be upset. For me, going to these events is not about negative attitude. It is about wanting to get the most out of my investment in terms of time and money. Yes, it's MY time and MY money. I have nothing against people who feel they wouldn't make the cut. It's just that, in all likelihood, I wouldn't find them physically attractive. I saw a post where someone described walking into a club and finding to her dismay that the majority of the patrons were "morbidly obese". This is the sort of thing that some people would just as soon avoid. It may be painful for some people to hear things like this, but sex, even swinger sex, is a very personal thing. The bottom line is that if screened events didn't exist there would be few, if any, places where I could go and be reasonably sure I'd be comfortable in that environment. And if you're new to the scene like I was a little while back, you lack those informal networks that might lead you to groups of like-minded people.
  10. Okay, a little exercise here. If you or anyone else can show me where exactly I called you names or did anything other than come down on your ideas and your attitude towards me I will gladly apologize. I'm willing to put down money that no one will find anything. Yet all I'm hearing from you are "grow up" and "get a life". If you have a problem with me take it somewhere else. As sara pointed out, all I've seen in this thread are negative attitudes directed at younger and/or physically attractive swingers. I think it's all a sad sort of psychological defense mechanism. They aren't interested in me, the thinking goes, so they must be worthless individuals. This comes through quite clearly in bear's posts.
  11. Gotta agree with the Devil. Why should I drop good money to go to an open club and weed through all these people I'm not interested in seeing naked when I can go to a screened club and be sure that many of the people are at least physically appealing to me and in my desired age range? It's like having a party attended by all the people who already fit some of your desired criteria through the personals. Why waste time? Especially if I have to be in the same venue as these people when I'm having sex. Forcing me to be in a situation I don't want to be in because of some principle of openness is insanity. Impishcpl, you, like a few of the others, have a healthy viewpoint. I read that Playboy article and felt exactly the same way you did. Then I went to a couple of the parties the author mentioned and realized they are not *that* exclusive. It's just media hype. Alura, Ted was condescending. Period. It's one thing to attack ideas. It's another thing to say people are stupid for holding them. He fired the first volley when I was trying to be reasonable with him. If you cannot see that it is because of your own bias toward his viewpoint. Your definition of bigot fits him pretty well, as he is irrationally attached to the viewpoint that I am not free to associate sexually with people I find attractive. And the restaurant analogy is weak. You aren't forced to see your fellow restaurant patrons naked. Incidentally, the question was, "would you go", not "should people be admitted". So my personal preferences are, indeed, germane to the discussion. Re-read my original post. It was about *my* preferences. I wasn't telling anyone else what to do with their lives. Thanks again for your highly objective analysis. Yawanna, it's better to be rejected by the organizers up-front than drop cash on a party where the vast majority of the people in attendance won't be interested in you. Seems like it would save a lot of trouble in the long run. At least you have a better understanding of what you're getting yourself into. Yeah, there's a long history of informal groups. Why not let them host parties for their particular subset? It's only a hierarchy if you attach yourself to the notion that younger and skinnier people are somehow "better" than you are. In reality it's just a sexual preference.
  12. To preface this and show you guys I'm human too, my gf and I had a playdate scheduled for tomorrow with this woman (not the 21 yo). Seemed really sweet, the kind of person we'd want to become friends with. Well, she just ended this self-improvement seminar this week and committed to telling the truth. Calls my gf tonite and says she doesn't want to play because she's not physically attracted to me. So yeah, it happens to me too. It sucks when you get rejected over your looks, but it happens to just about everyone. I guess this is why I don't understand how some of you can be so shocked and upset over the "beautiful people" events. Yawanna, actually, most of my crankiness over the "segregation" thing is directed at Ted, who felt the need to bring up the issue of bigotry in an attempt to paint me as the devil. If people stop attacking me personally (and that means no more thinly veiled insults like "you cant believe that, because if you do you must be stupid and I know you're not stupid") over what I believe I'll be happy to end the outrage. But right now it's apparently :slam" on me time and as such I'm not going to pull punches. I know what you are getting at, Y, but perhaps there are better words for it than sheets and hoods. That doesn't seem like a fair comparison since swinging, while great and all that, isn't nearly as important as, say, being able to walk down the street without getting lynched. This comparison just strikes me as being in poor taste. And, Y, if there weren't a quest for sexual gratification involved it wouldn't be swinging, it would be a sewing circle. I know there's more to it than genitals rubbing together but it is play (looked at versus polyamory anyway) and play ain't that serious. Again, just drawing a contrast between having the right to attend a particular sex party and having the right to be served at your local Red Lobster. Yeah, in the end its about choice. And if these "beautiful" people choose to stick together, well, then that's their choice. I'm sure you're not actually missing out on much, nor are they.
  13. Ted has been "kind"? Let me get this straight, Alura. It's okay for Ted to use phrases like "get a life" and "anyone who thinks X must be stupid" but it's not okay for me to think something is pure idiocy? Ted's telling me I'm a bigot, to get a life, that I'm just afraid of getting older, that I'm stupid to date people under 25 and generally implying I'm an idiot for having my beliefs. Yes, those are such PRODUCTIVE and WELL-THOUGHT-OUT responses to my postings. Ted was all over me from the point I expressed my simple preference. Show me where my posts have been anything BUT well-thought-out. Don't you dare come galloping in on your high-horse, bearing down on me with your selective outrage. I haven't seen anyone but EBF and one or two others attempt to engage me in some real dialogue (and for that I am truly grateful). A lot of you just hate it--it really eats you up--that my preferences are different, and that there are others like me. Underlying the ostensibly polite discourse around here is a smugness, insularity and moral authority that prevents people from engaging issues like these with any substance. It's the same shallowness and elitism that many of you profess to be so afraid of. Like I said in my last post, so what? It's someone's private sex party, not a voting booth. If I don't want to see you naked I have no obligation to invite you to a party. This isn't any different than throwing a sex party at my house and only inviting the people I am physically attracted to. If the other guests don't like my definition of attractiveness they have the right not to come. And again, I think it is shameful that some people on here who enjoy relatively privileged lives are trying to conflate their quest for sexual gratification with some kind of civil rights movement. My father grew up black in the segregationist South. My mother's family was threatened by the Nazis. Don't try to feed me some bullshit about this being some great struggle for civil rights. It rings false and makes you sound small.
  14. Ted, it is easy to determine in short order whether someone under 25 is of legal age, unless you are specifically pursuing "barely legals", which men over 21 probably shouldn't be doing anyway. One of my play partners is 21, she graduated college and is entering a masters program, has valid ID, etc. Never for a minute have I harbored doubts that she might be 16 or 17. Frankly that's laughable and has never been an issue with anyone I've ever met. So "protecting" yourself by never interacting with anyone under 25 is pure idiocy. There is real bigotry in the world that affects people's ability to get jobs, vote, associate freely, etc. Your sense of entitlement is astounding. It's frankly insulting to anyone who has faced real bigotry that you've elevated attending someone's private sex party to the level of a basic human right. So what? No one is obligated to see anyone else naked, nor play with anyone else. So someone didn't let you into their little party. Boo hoo. I have no sympathy for you, especially given your condescending tone. The crux of the issue is that you want in, and you feel bitter about it. Other people here seem to have a much healthier attitude. EBF and Nymph, you have some good points. Being judged based on a subjective factor like attractiveness can be tough medicine. But in reality it happens every day. Not everyone is going to find you physically attractive. But so what? Rejection, for whatever reason, comes hand in hand with pursuing sex partners. It's happened to all of us, especially those of us who have spent substantial time in the dating world. Like I said before, the existence of screened play parties can only add to the pool of swingers who might go on to try other things.
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