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carebear

Help with thinking clear and saying "no" when in the moment

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The last time we were at our local club, I was playing in the frog chair and dh was assisting :D Out of the blue, a third man appears, touches me, :nono: then asks for permission. Dh did NOT want the guy touching me, but I'd already said it was ok.

 

Now I've come to the realization that in the midst of play, my thoughts aren't exactly clear, and no way no how would I have allowed this guy near me under normal pre play circumstances.

 

Dh totally has veto power, but didn't know how to tell this guy to back off.

 

What's the best way for him to do so in the future?

 

Thanks oh wisest of wise!

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If asked and I am uncomfortable, I will just say, "No, thank you." If not asked and just touched, I will grab the person's hand or give them a stern look and again say "No, thank you." If I am ok with it but unsure about my husband's feelings about a joiner, I will say "Ask my husband, I am his to share".

 

It's really that simple for us, but I understand your hesitation. Sometimes we all forget that swinging is about what WE want and not what OTHERS want.

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Normally I have enough common sense to power a small city, but once the sex hormones start to flow, I lose the will to say no. One of the more valuable things I have learned as a swinger is that this is something that happens to many women (see the frequent "we agreed to X and then I looked up and she was doing Y" threads around here if you need more evidence). It isn't something I adore, it might even be biology and life works better if I just adjust to that and move on. So, while I can't say no, I have enough mental focus left not to talk and M. knows that - in these circumstances - he's the boss of me. If something similar happens to you, you might want to let Dh be the boss of you, which will save you from regrets at an ill chosen play partner.

 

That's the long answer. The short answer is that he can look up and say, "Yeah, sorry, but I'm not comfortable with this. Move along, please." Because veto power.

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I love my wife, and she leaves just about all hook up choices to me, but we do have a signal that either of us can use when necessary. But either of us has the option to use the "nope" signal and unless it's used, we both know it's okay to go for it. Later we'll talk about whatever it was that stopped us..... but there's never an issue, just an explanation.. there's always a next time with someone else..

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Mauijanedoe, thank you.

We discussed this in depth today and decided that at the start of play all partners are aware that we (or x,y,or z, if they show up) are the only ones invited to play.

I have zero problems with dh being my voice in this. (he really really likes to watch, so chances are pretty high that he'll be close by to do so)

 

Thanks for your replies! I feel much better knowing I'm not the only one lol!

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I'm sort of intrigued by the "my brain turns off" side of this. I never have that issue, and its not the first time a woman has mentioned this here. When I'm horny I might do things I wouldn't do if I wasn't, but I never have what seems to be a sort of "beer goggle" effect.

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I'm sort of intrigued by the "my brain turns off" side of this. I never have that issue, and its not the first time a woman has mentioned this here. When I'm horny I might do things I wouldn't do if I wasn't, but I never have what seems to be a sort of "beer goggle" effect.

 

I've never met a man who has this problem, although deciding "the hell with it" might look the same from the outside. That's part of why I think there may be some sort of biological underpinning to it.

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What are the odds any scientist would study this? lol :D I can see the ad in the college paper now...

 

We were invited last minute to a party last night (will NOT be going back. The play room stunk of cat pee, the house was cluttered and FILTHY, and the conversation area around a very nice fire pit stunk of dog shit, which I promptly stepped in cuz it was very dark.) and thank god the woman who invited us, who we met at a different house party and have since become friends with, also invited a single male who we've met at prior parties and who dh and I both like. The four of us were able to play.

The interesting thing is the cat pee was so distracting that when another male stood at the end of the bed watching I had absolutely no desire to invite him in lol!

 

Swingers, I have found my kryptonite: It is cat pee...

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I've never met a man who has this problem, although deciding "the hell with it" might look the same from the outside. That's part of why I think there may be some sort of biological underpinning to it.

 

I'm VERY VERY intrigued by this as well. My wife has always told me that once she becomes aroused, she often doesn't even remember or realize what's going on. Once she'd being fucked, she starts having a string of almost continuous orgasms. In fact, one of the things she loves about seeing me with another woman is the fact that, as she puts it, she FINALLY gets to see exactly what I do to her when I'm fucking her. We only do same-room play SPECIFICALLY because she says she needs me to be there to make sure that she doesn't do anything she knows she shouldn't do, or with anyone we don't approve of.

 

As a man, I've never felt this. I do understand the "Oh god, this is is so hot, what the hell" sort of feeling, but that's not the same thing at all. I am still conscious, and still capable of making a decision and of appreciating what my wife or playmate is doing to me. For her, it's quite normal for her not to remember giving me or anyone else a blowjob, being fucked by X, or licking Y's pussy. I think it must be biological, but I'd LOVE to keep this thread going and hear what you all think and most especially your experiences similar to what I've listed. :)

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I admit it, it happens to me. It's also hard at times to remember that my hubby may not be as ok with something as I am. My yes does not equal his yes. We've found that it's best to set rules on who, when, where ahead of time and stick to them. Like you said, if they weren't on the approved list at the start of play, they aren't getting on it mid-play. If we are both on the same page with that, then there's no issue with me having to think or with him having to veto something I've already said. Same goes with specific actions (are we going to full swap with this couple tonight? are we playing at all tonight?)

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Normally I have enough common sense to power a small city, but once the sex hormones start to flow, I lose the will to say no. One of the more valuable things I have learned as a swinger is that this is something that happens to many women (see the frequent "we agreed to X and then I looked up and she was doing Y" threads around here if you need more evidence).

 

Am I married to your sister. My wife is the same way.. Once the sex gets hot she gets rolling and does not say no as fast as she should. Its one of the reasons we play same room only. If she or I get going I might do something that we agreed not to do. We had a man come up my wife when she was the center of attention in a dark room and start touching her. He did not ask. Her friend was doing something to her and she was not paying attention and he had a dildo and was stroking her with it. I said hey buddy you did not ask and were not invited in the room you have to go.. My wife kinda had the look like oh shit what just happened. It wrecked her Orgasm.. But we did not know that man.. We did not know where his dildo had been. (what kinda guy walks around with a Dildo anyway?) This was one of our first club events and we learned that by playing together we could stay safer. Esp at a club or party..Now a private party for us is different. good luck.

 

Say no first you can always change your mind later.

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Hubs and I have talked it over a lot the past couple of days. We've decided that the only time I'm to go into a closed room is with him in attendance. Last party a guy I've played with previously and I did go into a closed room. Hubs was very uncomfortable with that. He likes to be able to see me whenever. Now, my play partner had an issue with the voyeur room, and we did leave the door cracked open, and then someone else shut it. At any rate, I was able to cut the play short and leave that room.

 

The other thing we decided is that our list of rules, while ridiculously short, will be talked over on the way to any event so as to be fresh in our minds. (I have a memory like a cheese cloth!)

 

At any rate, I am glad (sorry?) there are others out there who lose track during play. It would suck to be the only one! And thank god for understanding spouses! :)

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After thinking about our past experiences I definitely think there must be some gender discrepancy to this.

 

I've detailed elsewhere our first experience with full swap and how it was both unexpected and one-sided. It seems talking with the wife afterwards she indeed didn't realize it what was happening at first and then simply gave into the moment.

 

This was in direct contrast to a previous encounter with a different couple when I was faced with the possibility of things becoming full-swap, I resisted not because I didn't want it to happen by a long-shot, but because despite the Mrs.'s seeming approval I knew that she was not really deep down comfortable with it yet.

 

Since those times, it seems like despite her being the slowest member on the surface, in reality she has been the one more likely to change or bend the rules in the heat of the moment.

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Am I married to your sister. My wife is the same way.. Once the sex gets hot she gets rolling and does not say no as fast as she should. Its one of the reasons we play same room only.

 

Since those times, it seems like despite her being the slowest member on the surface, in reality she has been the one more likely to change or bend the rules in the heat of the moment.

 

I think there really is a gender discrepancy and what 81lizard, carebear and I describe is what leads to the situations Fours Company describes. I'm not arguing for a free pass to break rules, mind you, but I am saying there seems to be a common thread for a sizable minority of women who, once the music starts, aren't really capable of saying no without some fairly extreme counter-stimulus (like pervasive cat pee ;)). I've yet to meet a man who isn't aware of his surroundings during sex, except perhaps at the moment of orgasm, but just this weekend I found two more women who describe themselves as can't say no-ers. And they are not swingers, although one is consciously sex-positive.

 

There's no way of testing the idea, but I'm guessing there is some (formerly) useful biological imperative underlying the phenomenon.

 

That might be something to keep in mind as we devise or break rules or decide whether we can handle separate room play.

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Since we're sort of voting...count me in also. If I'm really enjoying myself, I'm more yes than no. It takes a lot of willpower to stop and use my brain to see if I'm really okay with someone else touching me or not.

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Ok, I might be taking this one step further, or might be just agreeing, but are we the only ones that totally get off on seeing each other lose control?

 

I am sorry but I think sex where you or your partner are totally in control of themselves 100% of the time is pretty boring. If you don’t lose control, at least for a few seconds, then in our book, it wasn’t very good. :)

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I don't know how relevant this will be because we totally avoid open play areas for this exact reason. When I'm in my happy place I cannot at the same time play police man, neither can my wife. We're either in "looking out mode" or "horny mode". If any situation we are in requires us to become a look out it kills the horny.

 

However I will say something relevant. My wife gets "sex drunk". There is a point in playing with people we ARE comfortable with in a setting we ARE comfortable IN where she can sometimes get on a roll. I have seen her cross some boundaries in those moments. Over the years we got better and better at addressing them in the moment by gently nudging them back in the direction we wanted. So the "sex drunk" thing is 100% understandable.

 

I do not experience it...I'll get "blinders" but I'm always aware of what I'm doing. If I am about to go overboard I'm WELL AWARE of the repercussions and if I push too far over that line the "inner cop" sneaks in and I will lose arousal. There is a fine line between getting off on pushing the boundaries and knowing you've gone or are about to cross them and have negative consequences. I guess I've been conditioned too well.

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Drinnt, I'm in the exact same situation as you are. Perhaps I don't tend to lose awareness as much as you do during significant arousal, however. I DO think that it is an incredible buzz-kill (read: erection-killer) to have to "police" the situation at the same time you are trying to get aroused. Much like trying to type on Skype or somewhere else and masturbate with another playmate, no matter how hot she is..but I digress). I think that it's very difficult for me to get into that "Zone" of sex-high or drunk as you call it, I'm not actually sure I ever have. I'm always fully aware of my surroundings, and sometimes my attention to detail and overthinking can get the best of my sexual arousal "response". My wife, on the other hand, once stimulated, really loses all awareness of her surroundings and what's going on and is in 100% pure pleasure mode with no filter. She says it's impossible to control, and that she just goes into constant orgasmic response, unable to really understand what's happening. I wish I was more like that!!!!! Feels like somehow I'm not as "sexual", although I am thinking about sex all the time!!!!

 

I think it's much more comfortable with a group that we know and trust, as I can "get into" it more without such reservation.

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The sex drive in men as a rule will be higher.

The sexual response in women as a rule will be stronger.

 

My wife is a screamer and shes way to shy to be a faker. She's hurt my ears before.

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Good read. Amazing there are those who act in a way with strangers that presumes so much, and requires policing and "excuse me...NO thank you".

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Ya know, I've witnessed several occasions where uninvited men will touch a woman without asking. (during play) It makes me wonder if this response is quite common, and these skeezeballs know this and take advantage of it...

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In my house its called P-brain short for P*ssy brain. I think recognizing you get that is a good step. In any situation if either of you are uncomfortable with what's going on then both of you have veto power. Your hubby can say something like "I know my wife agreed but I'm not comfortable lets take a break." Something along those lines. I would hope my hubby would do the same- although he's crazy and is up for pretty much anything. :)

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Ya know, I've witnessed several occasions where uninvited men will touch a woman without asking. (during play) It makes me wonder if this response is quite common, and these skeezeballs know this and take advantage of it...

 

That's an interesting point...and quite scary if some men are actually aware of it and taking advantage of it.

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