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How to tell others you're not interested in a nice way?

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Hi all,

 

OK, I'm sure this has been addressed at some point and if it has, please direct me to the thread. But my DH and I are very new to the lifestyle, we're actually just getting started. We had a "date" with another couple this week and are hoping we'll get together again (probably will), but we're just eagerly awaiting our first experience.

 

So, in our quest to find new friends, how do we nicely tell another couple that we're really not interested in meeting them after seeing their pictures on sites like SLS? We have a couple of people that have reached out to us, we've viewed their profile, told them "OK, send more pictures", they do and we see them and even though their bodies looked OK, their faces aren't as attractive to us as we had hoped, kwim? I feel bad turning someone down and not meeting them just because I don't find them attractive. Do you meet them anyway and hope to be friends only, or is that leading them on? I told my DH that I don't necessarily not want to be friends with others I'm not attracted to, but I don't want to play with them.

 

TIA for the advice.

 

Mr. and Mrs. Phish

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Good question, and yeah, it's probably been answered a zillion times, but I'm pretty new around here, too...

 

I sometimes take the approach to the tune of...

 

"Hey, those are great pics! Stephanie... those are some incredible pictures of you! Wow..!

 

However, I have to say that I passed along the pics of both you gusy to my partner, and unfortunately, she didn't quite feel the strong attraction that she so desires. She's so picky.... heck, we can go to a Lifestyle club.. there could be 30 couples there, and she will say to me, "I don't wanna see ANY of these guys naked!"... so, yeah, it's very tough.

 

In the past, if there was 'moderate chemistry' with the pictures, we would still meet and see where it goes. I have since learned that 99% of the time, it ends up in disappointment, because everyone meets, looking for excitement, and in the end... nada!

 

So, I think we'll have to move in our search. It's a shame, because really... those pictures are smokin'! But what can we do...? Thanks again... and if we ever bump into each other in a club.. say hi!! ... you never know what can happen!"

 

 

How's that?

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I've got the age of Paul and Robert, the charm of Sean and the looks of Jack. You know the last names, don't you? Sometimes I get replies of "UGH!" Other times its "OH MY!" and once in a while its "Lets Meet." For young folks I'm usually not physically appealing, but hey, I do understand...I used to be young too. For older folks who have learned that some things sag, some things wrinkle and some things don't get quite as hard...well there you go...maybe looks ain't everything when you've got viagra. Why heck, even Don with his attitude and ugly face gets lucky once in a while. You may miss out on the best time you ever had and you may find that if you go through with it you won't enjoy it at all. But if you choose not to be as adventurous as possible, well that's your choice. Good luck in your adventure no matter your limitations. Adventure is what the life style is all about anyway.

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If people have been in the lifestyle for a little while, it won't be the first time they've had someone tell them that they're not interested. Just tell them nicely that you don't think you're a match, but that you'd like to still be friends. Most people understand and take it well. Sometimes you have nuts that get an attitude, but that's more rare. You can learn how to turn people down nicely, or you'll spend a lot of nights at dinner with people who you know you aren't attracted to.

 

Pepper

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"Hey, those are great pics! Stephanie... those are some incredible pictures of you! Wow..!

 

However, I have to say that I passed along the pics of both you gusy to my partner, and unfortunately, she didn't quite feel the strong attraction that she so desires.

 

Not meaning to be a big B.... here, but if Dog told a couple we could not meet because I didn't have an attraction to them but he found them Incredible I would be PISSED OFF. I may have read too much into your statement but it seems like passing the buck here.

 

If there is no chemistry just say so. Better to rip a bandage off then peel it. Like Pepper said, anyone who has been in the lifestyle for any length of time will understand, and new people will have to learn to accept it as well.

 

As mentioned earlier, give people a fair shake. Dog is a cutie, but can not take a picture to save his life. I love his blue eyes, but put a camera to his face and a look of fear comes across it.

 

If you like what they are all about in the bio, then there is something there worth persuing. You never know what could happen.

Your friend,

Prettylady :kissface:

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I have to agree with the last two posters.

 

Don't give any reasons - Thanks, but we don't feel we'd be a match - or, we don't think we're compatible - is saying enough. You don't need a reason.

 

Pictures don't always show the reality of the person. We've met folks with fabulous photos who didn't look as attractive to us in person, and we've met folks with lousy photos who were fantastic in person.

 

We prefer to meet people face-to-face before deciding to play with them. That first meeting is not to play, just to see how everyone feels once we've met. No commitment, and after we get home we send an email either saying that we're interested in a play date, or that we don't feel that we're compatible.

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Once you've been on ad sites for a while you will probably have a standard reply for these times and here are two we use. We believe in honesty with others.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Thanks for the interest. Your profile and your pics are nice but we don't feel a sexual connection. We wish you the best in your pursuits. If you see us out please say Hi! We will do likewise!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

While we're flattered we don't think there's much common ground. Your profile and your pics are nice but we don't feel a sexual connection. We wish you the best in your pursuits. If you see us out please say Hi! We will do likewise!

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If you are going to ask for more pictures, that is going to kinda, sorta imply that you are interested.

I would be pissed off if someone asked for more pics and then....'Eh, I dont think we are compatable. Nice pics though. Glad you sent them to my private email! Now I can put you on my computer wallpaper and beat off to the image of your nekkid ass each and every morning! Yippppeeee!'

Joking. Sorta. Call me paranoid.

We wont encourage communications between another couple if we do not find the pictures they already have attractive. Seeing more of a body type or face type I am not interested in isnt going to suddenly make me interested. We usually try and go with something else though. No one really wants to hear that you find them physically unpealling so we might blend it in with:

 

'Thanks for your email! We did take some time to review your profile and although we can appreciate your creative photography-we really liked the picture with the we see that you are both into as well as and unfortunatly, neither of us is really comfortable with that. Best of luck to you in your search!'

 

If their profile is incomplete, we just go with:

'We really have an appreciation for those who take the time and consideration to fill out their profile. We feel that if you are willing to take the time and consideration with the profile, you most likely will have time for considering us while nekkid-perhaps and unfair assesment, but thats just how we feel! :)'

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If you are going to ask for more pictures, that is going to kinda, sorta imply that you are interested.

I would be pissed off if someone asked for more pics and then....'Eh, I dont think we are compatable. Nice pics though.

 

We won't meet anyone until we have seen (and approved) face photos. We won't, however, ask for face photos if we aren't attracted to the written profile, including public (non-face) photos. We are probably not unusual in this respect.

 

Unfortunately, this sometimes leaves us in the awkward position of having to reject people because of their facial appearance. And, due to the sequence of our actions, our primary reason may become obvious to the rejected party.

 

We have learned from experience that it is best to ask for face photos during the first e-mail exchange. Then, if we don't like their face photos, it won't be so obvious that we rejected them for this particular reason. This helps insulate their self esteem.

 

Like most people, our rejection notes usually make reference to insufficient compatibility - always with a polite/respectful tone.

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Once you've been on ad sites for a while you will probably have a standard reply for these times and here are two we use. We believe in honesty with others.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Thanks for the interest. Your profile and your pics are nice but we don't feel a sexual connection. We wish you the best in your pursuits. If you see us out please say Hi! We will do likewise!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

While we're flattered we don't think there's much common ground. Your profile and your pics are nice but we don't feel a sexual connection. We wish you the best in your pursuits. If you see us out please say Hi! We will do likewise!

I like these a lot. They are very respectful and diplomatic, and they should do the trick without causing unnecessary damage. Best of luck!

 

Mr. Funk

Official US Diplomat to Funkytown

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We are currently learning the same lesson then lol..... :) to me, the best way is honesty. You can be honest and not mean, if you use tact. We just told this couple that we think they are wonderful people, and as far as friendship goes we think they are great. However, sexually we are not compatible, and thats okay! Not everyone is a match.

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OK, their faces aren't as attractive to us as we had hoped, kwim? I feel bad turning someone down and not meeting them just because I don't find them attractive. Do you meet them anyway and hope to be friends only, or is that leading them on? I told my DH that I don't necessarily not want to be friends with others I'm not attracted to, but I don't want to play with them.

 

Now unless they were completely out of any realm of attraction I would still meet with them in person. WHY? you might ask. Simply because not everyone is as attractive in a picture as they are in person. It is the personality that can make or break an attraction. I have met more than a few people who looked great in their pic but as soon as they opened their mouths...well to say the least I had no further interest.

 

If you do still do want to tell them you aren't interested, do so quickly, honestly and say sorry we just aren't attracted physically.

 

If they have been around for awhile they will know not everyone will be interested in them physically, we all have our preferences. But if you attempt to bullshit your way out of it, keep in mind, they know you just got their pics and they will know your change of mind is because you aren't interested physically. So why not be honest, it goes a long way.

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Thanks for the interest. Your profile and your pics are nice but we don't feel a sexual connection. We wish you the best in your pursuits. If you see us out please say Hi! We will do likewise!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

While we're flattered we don't think there's much common ground. Your profile and your pics are nice but we don't feel a sexual connection. We wish you the best in your pursuits. If you see us out please say Hi! We will do likewise!

 

 

Excellent!!

 

How about:

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"ALL THOSE WHO WILL BE HAVING SEX WITH ME AND MY WIFE, PLEASE STEP FORWARD.........!!!!!!

 

 

 

...........NOT SO FAST, [______]!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

:lol:

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Amanda, I agree.

 

We meet face-to-face with the understanding that the first time, it's to see how we ALL feel about getting together. We make it clear that we all need to go home and make that decision. That way, there's no pressure, and no fear that at the end of the evening, one couple is going to be all "Wooohooo, when shall we party," with the other couple standing there with an "Oh shit now we have to turn them down in person" look on their faces.

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Amanda, I agree.

 

We meet face-to-face with the understanding that the first time, it's to see how we ALL feel about getting together. We make it clear that we all need to go home and make that decision. That way, there's no pressure, and no fear that at the end of the evening, one couple is going to be all "Wooohooo, when shall we party," with the other couple standing there with an "Oh shit now we have to turn them down in person" look on their faces.

 

I have to tell you that we have adopted this policy....thanks to the counsel of our GREAT friends, you know who you are! We now tell them when we first email them or vice versa that we will meet them for dinner, and go from there. That way, if we aren't attracted to them (or if they aren't attracted to US, for that matter!!) there are no hurt feelings....meeting for the first time in a sexually charged atmosphere like a swing club is just too much, and certain things tend to be expected.

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We actually never liked the "NO PLAY ON DATE #1" rule... That could be such a waste of a night if everyone is into it.

 

However, we have a adopted a new strategy.

 

We split up for a bit to discuss! I say, "I am gonna go talk to my partner now, over there in the next room, and you guys can talk about us right here... No codes.... no signals... no hand gestures... enjoy... talk all you want... and we will do the same. Then we can find out if we will call it a night, or move the party to the bedroom!"

 

...that type of thing. It's had some excellent results. Everyone loves it...

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We actually never liked the "NO PLAY ON DATE #1" rule... That could be such a waste of a night if everyone is into it.

 

However, we have a adopted a new strategy.

 

We split up for a bit to discuss! I say, "I am gonna go talk to my partner now, over there in the next room, and you guys can talk about us right here... No codes.... no signals... no hand gestures... enjoy... talk all you want... and we will do the same. Then we can find out if we will call it a night, or move the party to the bedroom!"

 

...that type of thing. It's had some excellent results. Everyone loves it...

 

We are very similar in our approach.

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We actually never liked the "NO PLAY ON DATE #1" rule... That could be such a waste of a night if everyone is into it.

 

Now, I never said I would NOT play lol....I just want to meet at a neutral location. We usually only go out of town on Fridays and Saturdays, so if we were to meet and the chemistry is there......neither Jay and I have any problem with taking it to an "alternate" location! lol

I just don't want to do the actual meeting at a sexually charged location, and I don't want to meet when I'm on alcohol either. I know that if he turns me on when I'm sober he is really going to turn me on when I'm kind of buzzing and feeling good lol.

But oh no, if the chemistry is on we have no issues with playing on a first date.

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Ok so we went to this meet&greet party sunday and were having a good time, things got a little wild, doing belly shots, showing thong, breasts ect. we met this other couple and were having a good time with them and another couple kinda joined , not really invited, still no biggie but when the wife and I started to kiss, the other wife kept trying to get in on the action and then her hubby grouped me too, it all happend so fast and I didn't really know how to tell them what they just did was not appropriate or wanted. She was being very pushy all night as well, they were fun to hang with but there was no attraction there. My question is should we have said something earlier? And what would you say exactly? Not interested? but they didn't really (at that point) do anything but chat and shots with us. I don't like to be snobby or mean but I also don't want people thinking that just because I am kissing another woman and you are there you can do the same. Am I making any sense? What is the right thing to do in a situation like this? How do you say we don't want you here? In a nice way?

Thanks all

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Well, as the husband I tend to observe if someone is moving in on Laura when they are not invited and I don't have a problem putting a stop to it. We are there to have fun and refuse to let others get in the way of that. I normally will quickly advise that if not invited, don't touch just in those words.

 

Laura is also very good at just pushing someone away rather then saying anything. If they don't take that hint then the look I get from her will let me know it is my turn to take care of something if I do happen to miss it the first time around.

 

Your party, your fun. For some reason ladies feel they are not to be held by the same rules as men. If your not invited, don't touch.

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...but when the wife and I started to kiss, the other wife kept trying to get in on the action and then her hubby grouped me too, it all happend so fast and I didn't really know how to tell them what they just did was not appropriate or wanted.

When you're in this situation - getting playful with another swinger - you have more to consider when deciding how to handle the unwanted person trying to get too close for your comfort.

 

I'd like to know how the other woman (woman #2, who you were interested in) reacted when woman #3 tried to join in your kissing? How she reacted does play into how you would handle this. Woman #3 may have been getting a cue from #2 that it was okay to join in.

 

I do think it's important to get your message across as soon as you know you're not interested in someone's advances. How you do this does depend on whether you're being approached while by yourself or with another person.

 

Was the man groping woman #2 as well?

 

If you could answer my questions I'll tell you how I would have handled the situation.

 

LM

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The 3rd woman was not welcomed by the 2nd woman either nor did the husband grop her.

 

My husband at the time was doing a belly shot so he did not catch what had happened. Until I mentioned it too him after. We the other woman and I did however both on several occasions try to ignore her and turn the other way, but i was feeling like this was being rude as well, just a tough situation because at first they were fun to hang with just no attraction there. thanks again for the advice.

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Thanks for the additional information.

 

Since it was obvious to you that woman #2 wasn't interested in #3 butting in, I would have focused all my attention on #2. Presuming you were both busy kissing, I would have taken #2 in my arms a little tighter and pivoted us a bit to pull us away from #3. If the third woman can't take the hint, she's going to have to be given another hint. What that would be depends on what happened next.

 

If I'd have to give a second hint I might smile and say to her, "Sorry, I want her all to myself," and express it in a way that was playful and naughty, but hopefully that would finally get the message across.

 

The thing about being in a club is that the music is usually so loud that being heard can be impossible unless I'm yelling in someone's ear, and so I find that what I do with my body, a signal with my hand, a shake of my head "no" or a look I give is how I communicate. When I speak in a loud environment I say only a word or two, a sentence at most, if I want to be understood easily when sending a 'not interested' message.

 

Not wanting to hurt feelings or reject someone is understandable and when starting out it's a big worry. But you'll learn that getting comfortable with letting people know when you are not interested is so important. You learn by doing. Try different ways of handling situations and in time you'll find it becomes natural. Let people know sooner than later. It's like removing a BandAid - it feels better to rip it off quickly than slowly and extend the discomfort. :)

 

And regarding getting groped by the husband, I have no patience for that. I'd slap his hand away if he'd not yet removed it and give him a "that's a no-no" look and he'd get the message right quick.

 

LM

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Also, it helps to have some good experienced friends around. If you don't have them then make some good ones fast. :cool:

 

LM321 you are right on. The phrase, "I want her/him all to myself" should speak volumes and, it beats getting physical with someone, although I have heard some stories.... :eek:

 

Male D

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we met this other couple and were having a good time with them and another couple kinda joined , not really invited, still no biggie but when the wife and I started to kiss, the other wife kept trying to get in on the action and then her hubby grouped me too, it all happend so fast and I didn't really know how to tell them what they just did was not appropriate or wanted.

....

What is the right thing to do in a situation like this? How do you say we don't want you here? In a nice way?

 

Hi! I know exactly what you mean. During the talking/mingling time, people can seem so nice and friendly, but once some kissing or groping or some sort of sex gets started, there always seems to be some people who think that it's okay to just jump on board. This is very aggressive, in my opinion, to just jump in on some action without being clearly invited. But, a lot of people do it, both men and women. I've learned to watch behind me with my third eye, because people come up behind and just grab, grope or fondle!

 

The last time we played at a club, we were with another couple (the four of us). The other lady was facing me and slightly bent over. A couple none of us knew at all just came up behind her, and the woman started fondling her ass (my friend never saw it coming). She nearly jumped out of her skin! She had to say something to the woman to make her stop (something like, "NO THANKS, I'm occupied"). The intruder and her husband looked kind of miffed and walked off. :rolleyes: Because I've had similiar things happen to me from behind (usually some guy), I pretty much keep my back to the wall now!! :eek: This whole situation is my biggest pet peeve. House gatherings can be similiar, once the action gets started.

 

You want to be nice, I know. But it's terribly rude of people to just think that once you're going at it, you'll be too turned on, too distracted, or just too nice to tell them to butt out.

 

Don't let this problem scare you off, though. Just know that it happens, be prepared, watch your back, and don't be shy at all to stop anything that you're not 100% into. Try to say something or avoid them the moment you see it coming. It took practice for me to have the heart to speak right up.

 

A good deterrant to unwanted aggressors is to go into a private room as soon as you and somebody are getting things started - if it's possible.

 

Hugs! :)

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Thanks guys for the great advice, I think like you said it will just take some time to find out what works in various situations. It is just very annoying when you are having a good time and someone tries to get in on it uninvited and even after turning from her, (at one point I completely walked away and sat in a chair with my back to her) she would still come up and grind on my leg or back. OH well live and learn I guess.

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One thing I was going to say was that when something like this happens, you sorta think it will happen that way each time. That feeling exists even when it was a very positive experience.

 

Well, it doesn't. :nono:

 

Different mix of people and where you are in that mix will make a difference. This is a good place to remind you that No always means No. Don't be afraid to use the No word even if you might be interested in them for another time. Maybe someday in the future they will understand that.

 

Having said all that, if this is happening at house parties, go to another venue. Now that you have had this experience, you will also know questions to ask future hosts regarding this kind of thing.

 

The private room is always a good idea too. :kissface:

 

Male D

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Some people do have a tendency to just sort of involve themselves uninvited. Some other people also go to clubs fantasizing about anonymous people unexpectedly involving themselves in a sexual situation--and while they won't stop someone, they won't invite them either, and may even resist half-heartedly, but never firmly. This isn't my thing, so I don't know too much about it (I've never even wanted to get involved with anyone who hasn't oh-so-clearly invited me). But I'm going to be nice to all the uninvited partners out there and assume that they think everyone else is one of the people that wants them to butt in. Or something like that. :D

 

This whole situation, though, makes it essential that when someone does something you don't want, you tell them in no uncertain terms to stop. I will first smile and say "no, hey, I'm not into that, cut it out" with a chuckle, but while shaking my head. This gives them an easy opportunity to remove themselves from the situation without any embarrassment, and it also keeps me on as good terms with them as they want--i.e., they might take the hint, butt out, and come back later to chat in a non-sexual setting over a drink or something. With nice people, it's important (to me, anyway) to keep the door open to a good social time if at all possible; and with nice people, usually they'll understand and continue to be friendly. If, however, they weren't nice people, and kept getting pushy (no one has with either of us, and I've heard it's exceedingly rare), they'd get embarrassed, quickly and thoroughly. :hahaha:

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Hi all, we're new to the lifestyle...but we haven't posted an intro yet...

 

Anyway, we've been into this for a couple months, had some fun with other couples privately, and went to party where we had some fun.

 

How do we tell someone (single or a couple) that we're not interested in playing with them? How about people that we've played with before, but don't have a desire to play with again?

 

How do you handle it when one of you is interested in a couple, but not the other?

 

Looking forward to your advice and wisdom. Thanks!

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Hello, ND couple, and thanks for stepping up to make your first post!

 

We are not all that experienced ourselves, having been at this since last summer. But we have been faced with the scenarios you described.

 

If we meet a couple and decide that we don't want to play with them, we just tell them that we don't think it's a match for playing. Hopefully a mature couple will understand that this is not a criticism, and will refrain from asking followup questions- we have been lucky so far in not having to explain beyond the initial statement. We have been on both ends of that kind of situation, and have usually remained on friendly terms with the other couple.

 

We have also had times when we've played once with a couple, and decided not to pursue another play date. In one particular case, I (Mr. CoupleInMD) was still hot for the woman, while the Mrs. was convinced by her first experience with the guy that she did not want a second experience. In that case, the answer was that we were not going to play with that couple again. We told them that we feel that any couples play situation requires four up votes to proceed, and we did not have four up votes for another play date. The other couple understood, and we still are friends and chat with them from time to time.

 

A simple, polite "no, thank you" really should be enough- and a couple that is mature enough to be in the lifestyle should be OK with hearing it from time to time. Goodness knows we've had to develop a thick skin! Good luck!

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Guest

Saying no to a couple is fairly simple, and quite common. We have found that at Couples Clubs its even easier. If someone is not interested in you or you not in them, you simply mingle on over to another couple or group. We have done it. We have had done and kind of look at each other and just say, hmmm, guess they didn't like us or our answers. The harder part is when one of you is interested in half the couple and one is not interested in the other half. We use a signal, left hand index finger and thumb rubbing the right ear lobe to see was not tall or good looking but rather short, chubby but a very nice guy and the life of the party. Very sweet. In the evening, he brought his wife over to meet us and so he could ask me to dance while his wife danced with hubby. She was large and hubby just isn't into large. Moreover, we had noticed that she was more a part of girls on girls group and seemingly wiling to do hubby to make her man happy. For three days, he would repeatedly stop to talk, not a pest, very enjoyable conversation. I admitted to hubby that I would love to do Joe, he was just so sweet. We don't typically play alone, without each other, but finally, one the last evening of their stay, hubby suggested that I take Joe into the playroom. I objected and suggested the 3 of us. We decided to ask Joe what he would prefer. He opted that he and I get started and then hubby come in after 20 minutes or so, after we got to know one another. That sounded nice. Just one way to deal with the problem.

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chiccouplexx, interesting scenario. Were my wife and I in your shoes, I would have been concerned that Joe's wife was getting left out. But maybe you had some assurance that she was OK with your plans?

 

Not trying to hijack the thread or anything- this actually goes to the issue of not hurting anyone's feelings. We try to be very careful in anticipating potential situations where feelings could be hurt.

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It became obvious that Joe's wife was occupied with the girls each evening and she had to be aware of his attentions to me. It's his job to have or get a "pass" from her, not mine. Although a similar thing happened at a local couples club one evening, wherein the lady was with the ladies and the gentleman was talking with and decided to join us. Apparently she didn't feel that he had permission and thought it was my job to get it for him even though she was in another play room, fully occupied. It all raises the question of proper protocols concerning "abandoned" husbands. Perhaps another thread....

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We usually meet for dinner for the initial introductions with the understanding that it's just dinner and nothing else. This way both couples and talk and decide if they both want to get together again. If we choose not to get together, we send a polite 'it was great meeting you and we wish you success in meeting others in the future but we don't feel that there's a connection' email. If it is a couple that we've been with in the past but for whatever reason don't want to continue seeing, we tell them that currently we are very busy and will get back with them in the future when things slow down (if we want to keep the door slightly open), or we will just explain that things are just not working out as we hoped and wish them success with finding other couples. Usually that takes care of it. Be polite but honest. Most couples will understand that a four way match is difficult at best.

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Rather interestingly, we just received the following on SLS as a result of contacting a couple. "We love Angel's pics, and we're definitely a match with her. However, Mrs. XXXXX (name redacted) thinks Tiger's body hair is just gross... She hates hairy chests. Please have Angel contact us. We REALLY want to play with her!!"

 

Our profile States we do not play separately or in different rooms. I laughed this off, but in truth was rather taken aback... I'd like to offer this as an example of how NOT to gently turn a couple down...

 

T

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If we had a dime for every time something like this happens to us, we'd have enough cash to retire in Tahiti. I formerly took the implied insult personally but I have learned to look past it.

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At least you now know that they aren't worth a second thought. When did common sense stop being common?

 

More like, when did common decency and manners stop being so common?

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At least you now know that they aren't worth a second thought. When did common sense stop being common?

 

More like, when did common decency and manners stop being so common?

 

This gets to the values question and speaks to why we...as well as GoldCoCouple...prefer to meet first in a public place, dinner, no plans or expectations of anything else. We have mentioned this before, but perhaps it's worth mentioning again: public behaviors and private behaviors match, but one needs to watch and listen carefully. We are always interested in how the husband and wife treat each other; whether they can carry on a conversation about something important to them; how they treat the (anonymous) waitstaff; and how they approach us as a couple. Decency, manners and values come through pretty quickly.

 

One pet peeve that we think is also common. . We believe invitations to meet should be answered within a reasonable length of time. If we suggest meeting with a new couple for dinner a week or ten days in advance, we think it's common courtesy to respond--affirmatively or negatively--within a couple of days. While we understand that there are always check-ins with a spouse, determination that a sitter is available (for kids or grandma) and so on, it's discourteous to we who have issued the invitation to remain silent until the day before the proposed get-together. After all, we have taken a slice of our time and offered to share it. Those who are invited were the first choice. If unavailable or not interested, please say so. Just don't leave us hanging.

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How do we tell someone (single or a couple) that we're not interested in playing with them? How about people that we've played with before, but don't have a desire to play with again?

 

Be polite, smile, if you are confronted at a party, and be honest by saying that you are not in the mood to play and that maybe later, if you change your mind, you'll let them know. Should work online or over the phone also.

 

 

How do you handle it when one of you is interested in a couple, but not the other?

 

I'm assuming that you two have had experiences at a "party"? At an organized swinger party? I'll be honest with you that I/we've never been to a party that has been "advertised" as a swinger get together. We have been to parties where her or I or both of us have been blatantly flirted with where the intention has been made clear as in the above reply.

 

I have turned down accepting an experience for my wife because the guy came off as an asshole to me even though she was interested (she can't stand to see me having sex with another woman, it's a story for another post, so it's been MMF for us)

 

She'll be frustrated with me if she is horny for him, and she'll try her best to talk me into it, but in the end they will both stop trying, he'll move on to another woman or couple, we'll go home and have some incredible sex since he made her so horny and she knows that she'll have another opportunity.

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This gets to the values question and speaks to why we...as well as GoldCoCouple...prefer to meet first in a public place, dinner, no plans or expectations of anything else. We have mentioned this before, but perhaps it's worth mentioning again: public behaviors and private behaviors match, but one needs to watch and listen carefully. We are always interested in how the husband and wife treat each other; whether they can carry on a conversation about something important to them; how they treat the (anonymous) waitstaff; and how they approach us as a couple. Decency, manners and values come through pretty quickly.

 

One pet peeve that we think is also common. . We believe invitations to meet should be answered within a reasonable length of time. If we suggest meeting with a new couple for dinner a week or ten days in advance, we think it's common courtesy to respond--affirmatively or negatively--within a couple of days. While we understand that there are always check-ins with a spouse, determination that a sitter is available (for kids or grandma) and so on, it's discourteous to we who have issued the invitation to remain silent until the day before the proposed get-together. After all, we have taken a slice of our time and offered to share it. Those who are invited were the first choice. If unavailable or not interested, please say so. Just don't leave us hanging.

 

We agree with everything said here and it is the same way we approach things!

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