Lifestyle Couple Questions

Not even sure where to start my post. My husband and I have been in the lifestyle for over a year now. While we've had some hot times, it has been hotter for my husband. He loves EVERY aspect of the lifestyle. The partying, the going out every weekend, the flirting, the texting, the KIKing, the touching, the sex...all of it. It's not that I don't like it, it's that I don't like all of it all the time. We still have two teenagers at home and I'm still a Mom. So sometime's I don't want to feel like I HAVE to Kik someone or have to be sexy...sometimes I want to be a normal family.

I love the sexual aspect of the lifestyle. Sometimes the idea of certain situations turns out to be hotter than the situation but it's still fun. What I'm not a fan of: How some of it makes me feel. I don't like watching him be sensual and loving to another woman. I can watch him fuck one, but not the hand touching, sensual kisses, etc. He says the flirting is the hottest part and maybe I just shouldn't be in the lifestyle since I don't like it. Again, I like it....certain times and places. I was a bigger flirt than him before the lifestyle!

My husband is ALL in. We are on multiple websites, have over 15 KIK conversations/groups and we go out a minimum of once a weekend (he'd prefer twice). I get overwhelmed and we "slow down" but it's always a very short time and I feel very guilty about it. He checks the websites, Kik, texts habitually.

My husband is much less picky about the people we play with. Since he does the majority of the websites he tells me all the time how often he turns people away because he knows I won't be interested. So out of the couples we talk to and sometimes play with there are really only a handful that I'm really into. I just don't feel like always being the wet blanket and saying no. Our KIK conversations would be much much smaller if we only went off my wants and I feel very guilty about that so I says yes to people that are good not great.

I guess I need a point or a question to my post. So here are a few, honestly I just want feedback from others in the Lifestyle. Needing to feel "normal"

1.) If I'm having these feelings am I just not "cut out" for the lifestyle?

2.) How much time does the Lifestyle consume of your everyday life?

3.) How often do you tell your partner no when it comes to other couples?

I appreciate any and all feedback.

Your misgivings are quite common with new swinging couples. The guy is often times like a kid turned loose in a candy store, all those boobs and pussies are like a sugar high for a 6 year old. You DO have a say in this, however. You're part of the couple and the fact is, he'll get a lot less sex if you're not 100% into the evening or the meeting.

Mrs Doc felt much the same way when we were about a year into this hobby. She was not happy about some of the choices I made off the web sites and was not happy about the frequency of our "dates" especially since she did not want to meet couples during the week. After a lot of trial and error, and her specific objections, my selection process got much better and after much conversation, we started to limit our swinging activities to once or twice a month. What I discovered was that, as time passed, she was much more into our limited activities and actually looked forward to a club night or house party and I started to see much less of "the face" when I mentioned potential plans for the weekend.

We're happily still in this hobby 15 years later and my wife is truly "all in" now. You have to talk a lot, and, you have to insist that he take your needs and desires into consideration and you have to remind him that the primary relationship is the one he has with you, not the fleeting moments with a strange woman. You might want to point out too that if you get overwhelmed by the budding resentment this is generating, you can always just say "NO". That leaves him with nothing to swap and he becomes just another guy trying to get laid outside his marriage. That's not a good place to be for a swinger.

... While we've had some hot times, it has been hotter for my husband. He loves EVERY aspect of the lifestyle. . It's not that I don't like it, it's that I don't like all of it all the time...

 

I love the sexual aspect of the lifestyle. . I love sex. I love having orgasms... who doesn't right? What I'm not a fan of: How some of it makes me feel. I don't like watching him be sensual and loving to another woman...

Probably the most extreme example is a couple we swap with where the other wife and I have gone to cultural events that my wife and her husband have no interest in, and they spent the night together having sex. The other wife and I have no or just quick sex those evenings.

My advice is to coordinate but decouple a little and just do what you enjoy.

PADoc covered it pretty well.

The mantra in the LifeStyle is, 'go at the slower couple's pace.' That's you. Explain to your husband that you are going to slow down, take the odd weekend completely off, just be easy about it. And that he has no choice about it. You should be his number one priority.

Best of luck!

1.) If I'm having these feelings am I just not "cut out" for the lifestyle?

 

2.) How much time does the Lifestyle consume of your everyday life?

 

3.) How often do you tell your partner no when it comes to other couples?

 

A1. Your feelings do you credit. I read into your story that you are simply making an effort to keep your life's commitments and activities in a happy balance. I read nothing in your story that indicates you are not suitable for or compatible with swing. I often contemplate my life's balance in such matters and I often seek my wife's wisdom in the way of keeping this balance.

A2. Most days, neither my wife nor I think of swing or engage in activity related to swing.

A3. My wife and I make any decision jointly for responding affirmatively or negatively. It is typically only one of us who communicates the reply but it is made clear to the people who have extended an offer that it was a joint decision. Never does one of us say, "because my wife is not be interested" or "because my husband is not be interested.

PADoc covered it pretty well.

 

The mantra in the LifeStyle is, 'go at the slower couple's pace.' That's you. Explain to your husband that you are going to slow down, take the odd weekend completely off, just be easy about it. And that he has no choice about it. You should be his number one priority.

 

Best of luck!

Thank you for your response! Taking too much time off has led to pouting. ?. He says he just wants to go out and be social and it has nothing to do with sex. Which I believe however is it strange I just want some time to hang with the kids and do nothing?

Thank you so much PaDoc!!! I smiled reading your reply knowing I’m not alone and that 15 years later you are going strong ? Thank you for that!

A1. Your feelings do you credit. I read into your story that you are simply making an effort to keep your life's commitments and activities in a happy balance. I read nothing in your story that indicates you are not suitable for or compatible with swing. I often contemplate my life's balance in such matters and I often seek my wife's wisdom in the way of keeping this balance.

 

A2. Most days, neither my wife nor I think of swing or engage in activity related to swing.

 

A3. My wife and I make any decision jointly for responding affirmatively or negatively. It is typically only one of us who communicates the reply but it is made clear to the people who have extended an offer that it was a joint decision. Never does one of us say, "because my wife is not be interested" or "because my husband is not be interested.

We stopped doing the websites together because I couldn’t keep up. We are on 5 websites and get numerous messages daily. Some nights I’m tired or just want to chill so I don’t want to go over all the people and make decisions so I let him “vet” people first. I’m going to make an effort to get us off so many websites.

Thank you so much for your response!

1.) If I'm having these feelings am I just not "cut out" for the lifestyle?

You seem to be okay with the L/S, just not so much of the L/S...understandable with kids at home and the rest of life going on. I think that it's that your husband is just wanting it SO MUCH. Too much of anything is usually a bad thing. A couple should move at the pace the slowest member is comfortable with, your husband needs to be told this and he needs to pump the brakes (the other option is eventually you just say 'stop, no more' and it's all finished). He needs to respect your feelings on this. You two are a team, what either one of you says is the answer for both of you. This goes for another one of your questions as well...

2.) How much time does the Lifestyle consume of your everyday life?

We believe that 'life must come first' and that swinging is more of a hobby that we fit in when we can. For us that's about once a month. You two are a team, the two of you should decide together how often you want to play, but go at the slowest persons pace.

3.) How often do you tell your partner no when it comes to other couples?

We say 'I don't think so' to each other when we don't think there's a match (which is fairly often since we are looking for matches and not just someone to fuck). If either one of us isn't 'feeling' another couple, then we take a pass...no 'taking one for the team'.

He needs to slow down and listen to your wants and needs here. As previously stated, if he doesn't, eventually you are not going to want to do this any longer. He needs to understand: Playing less often is much better than not playing at all. Bigger question is why he isn't as interested in communicating and (more importantly) LISTENING to your wants. Time to sit down and have a talk before you get so frustrated that you throw in the towel. Good luck and let us know how things go.

GoldCoCouple said:

You seem to be okay with the L/S, just not so much of the L/S...understandable with kids at home and the rest of life going on. I think that it's that your husband is just wanting it SO MUCH. Too much of anything is usually a bad thing. A couple should move at the pace the slowest member is comfortable with, your husband needs to be told this and he needs to pump the brakes (the other option is eventually you just say 'stop, no more' and it's all finished). He needs to respect your feelings on this. You two are a team, what either one of you says is the answer for both of you. This goes for another one of your questions as well...

 

We believe that 'life must come first' and that swinging is more of a hobby that we fit in when we can. For us that's about once a month. You two are a team, the two of you should decide together how often you want to play, but go at the slowest persons pace.

 

We say 'I don't think so' to each other when we don't think there's a match (which is fairly often since we are looking for matches and not just someone to fuck). If either one of us isn't 'feeling' another couple, then we take a pass...no 'taking one for the team'.

 

He needs to slow down and listen to your wants and needs here. As previously stated, if he doesn't, eventually you are not going to want to do this any longer. He needs to understand: Playing less often is much better than not playing at all. Bigger question is why he isn't as interested in communicating and (more importantly) LISTENING to your wants. Time to sit down and have a talk before you get so frustrated that you throw in the towel. Good luck and let us know how things go.

Thank you for your response! I've been looking all morning to find a couples counselor but no one really focus's on the lifestyle in our area. Just looking to find someone to help both of us communicate a little better.

I appreciate everyone's feedback so much

1. If I'm having these feelings am I just not "cut out" for the lifestyle?

Most have those feelings. After the initial excitement it has also died down a bit for us as well and some good friends of ours. My good friend noticed he is more into it than his SO and their at home sex life has died off again. Ours is up and down. I think she likes sex with others but we cannot dedicate each weekend to it.

2. How much time does the Lifestyle consume of your everyday life?

See above

3. How often do you tell your partner no when it comes to other couples?

More of a dual agreement. neither pushes the envelope.

I appreciate any and all feedback.

If you are having trouble communicating, you both need to take a break. Work on your relationship until the love, trust and communication is rock solid and golden. It is the ONLY way to be successful in the L/S. Bring hubby here and ask him to read this thread, that should start the communication. More than likely he just doesn't realize you are feeling like you are. You shouldn't need a counselor to start the talking (even though men just LOVE it when they are told they need to see a marriage counselor...). You aren't that far off track, you just need to open the lines again, but if you feel you really need a counselor, we can charge by the hour (but we don't accept any insurance plans).

We just constantly talk. Admittedly, we both have a lot of sexual energy and probably act on it more than most couples but we also entertain each other’s need to chill when needed. We don’t play seperately - it’s always us together. We also mix it up quite a bit and actually spend less time with couples and more in mmf or ffm situations. We have several friend that play seperately so it works out. You will find the right balance through communication.

SwingVan69 said:

.... I've been looking all morning to find a couples counselor but no one really focus's on the lifestyle in our area. Just looking to find someone to help both of us communicate a little better....

Try checking out this podcast:

Episode 54: Drama in the Lifestyle

from: We Gotta Thing ... by: Mr & Mrs Jones

(I am not suggesting your situation is "dramatic".)

Catherine Scantlin (MS, LPC, RYT) is the featured speaker in this episode, and apparently does long distance (teleconferencing) counseling sessions, especially for Lifestyle (and other "fringe"?) folks.

Her contact info is posted on that WGT web page.

Here is her business web:

https://www.expansiveconnection.com/

Best of luck on your journey.

Perhaps try meeting one couple / single that you really do like and starting a very regular friendship with them?

That maybe if you meet someone you really like and trust you wouldn't have to party every weekend and disturb your family life as much.

Thank you for your response! Taking too much time off has led to pouting. . He says he just wants to go out and be social and it has nothing to do with sex. Which I believe however is it strange I just want some time to hang with the kids and do nothing?

Mrs. E and I are both very active people. Just general activity-level wise. She, especially, does not do "relaxing". If she isn't cleaning, baking, or fucking, she usually wants to be outside of the house doing something.

I don't like wasted time either, but I'm not quite the same way, and sometimes feel like going out of the sake of being out is also wasted time. This definitely led to some of those "pouting" weekends when it's Saturday night and I just wanted to hang out at home and be busy with something practical or catch up on reading. It was an adjustment.

So, to some extent, I can relate to him discovering this fun hobby and feeling frustrated with "wasted weekends".

I'm going to ask a question that may seem weird, but is he sure this is really about swinging? Does he have other outside interests that don't require your participation, or is swinging the only thing going on to break up the home routine and give him a social outlet? Mrs. E has variously kept busy with bellydance, golf lessons, and tennis. When she tried quitting those things to focus on work, that's when the pout-storm began.

Thanks for the answers guys!

Reading through some old posts on here as we haven’t been here in a while . It occurs to me just what a valuable asset this site is . So much good sound advice here from friendly , non judgmental people . Especially touching seeing the late Padoc chining in with sound advice as was the norm 

On 4/22/2019 at 2:59 PM, SwingVan69 said:

1.) If I'm having these feelings am I just not "cut out" for the lifestyle?

Not at all babe, as a woman and a mother of two daughters, i know exactly how hard it is to shut off your brain, my to-do list is about 4 months long.  So it is easy to not be in "the mood".  There is this idea that woman in the lifestyle are just cock hungry sluts that are just looking for their next fix.  It is a myth, I am a mom first, a wife second, a daughter third, a photographer fourth, then I am also a swinger.  I have priorities above sex.  But I do try to schedule time for sex so my husband doesn't get too frustrated with my lizard brain.  I also am picky, I need there to be a bit of seduction, show me you want me, make me want you.  If he doesn't turn me on I'm not going down or getting on.  One thing we do is seperate play, which helps me cause the time I often am down to play is right after work, my brain is burnt and I would love an hour of brain break but my husband is still working.  So we have really close friends that followed us into the lifestyle, and Adam is totally available when I get out of work, so I let him bang it out, grab a shower and I am feeling good the rest of the night.  My husband is a morning sex guy but I get up at 4 every morning and am gone when he wakes so he often fucks Adams wife Julie in the morning.  

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2.) How much time does the Lifestyle consume of your everyday life?

We don't spend time looking for other couples, we have three couples we like a lot, so of we play its usually with one of them, the couple that is our best friends get the most action.  I believe in organic growth, for instance, I travel for work, so when I travel I will hit a hotel bar, if I get hit on and am into him, or her, I'll play, but I don't scour sites.  I do have a bumble profile I sometimes swipe right on, but I spend little time on there.  

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3.) How often do you tell your partner no when it comes to other couples?

If we were to look for someone new, it would be me doing the looking because I need more than a physical thing.  In the past when he would look I shot down a lot of couples, but always said he could play with them if he wanted.  

On 12/22/2020 at 10:22 PM, JessicaJamison said:

I have priorities above sex.

So true, but then when those are done, I am ready and want it badly.

On 12/22/2020 at 10:22 PM, JessicaJamison said:

I do try to schedule time for sex so my husband doesn't get too frustrated

If hubby or Red (or Lora or Clair) wants to use my body, I almost always give in.  It ends with me being glad that I did even if it started, "Oh alright, make it quick."

Everybody is different, everybody life and circumstances are different, I am 38 years old, we have no children or big commitments, also I have always had a high libido (for a woman), so sex is a fundamental part of my life.

1.) If I'm having these feelings am I just not "cut out" for the lifestyle?

Absolutely, you do not need a full commitment to the lifestyle, I know people that rarely plays but still have tons of fun when they do.

2.) How much time does the Lifestyle consume of your everyday life?

mmm, well tricky question because I do several things that can be considered as part of the lifestyle but at the same time they are not, like going to the gym, do my nails and hair, depilation, buying sexy lingerie/clothes. Other things that are clearly part of the lifestyle like chatting/flirting online, reading messages, participating in discussions, getting ready for a date/party and of course the playtime itself.

3.) How often do you tell your partner no when it comes to other couples?

Not very often, but certainly I have said "nop, thanks" on more than one occasion, my husband pick couples from the websites and I do filter them, same in the club, he gives me options of couples/ladies he finds attractive and I do choose from there.

On 4/22/2019 at 12:59 PM, SwingVan69 said:

out of the couples we talk to and sometimes play with there are really only a handful that I'm really into.

On 10/11/2021 at 3:38 PM, Sophy said:

my husband pick couples from the websites and I do filter them, same in the club, he gives me options of couples/ladies he finds attractive and I do choose from there.

I don't know if my husband was being generous to me or merely pragmatic, but he left me in control the whole way, including letting me have a boyfriend while he was monogamous with me.  (I was more than willing to let him pull my pants down whenever he wanted, and he was happy with that.)  After two years I decided that he could play with other women, but I got to choose.  He had no complaints when I "forced" him to have sex with my friends and acquaintances.  The wife should be in control.