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Being outed stories - share yours! Also, how PRIVATE are you?

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Many of us have VERY important reasons for keeping the lifestyle side of their lives VERY private. For some it's their super vanilla and conservative friends and family. For others it is their public jobs or concerns about how they'd be perceived at work or with clients.

 

So, here are my questions:

 

1) How private are you about your lifestyle? Do you tell people? Do any friends know? Do you post face pics without any reservations or passwords on the lifestyle sites... or are you 100% private, ZERO face pics on any of the sites... not even password protected, etc?

 

2) What are your reasons for being or not being private?

 

3) Have you been outed at all? What's your outed story? Don't have one, then what is a good one you've heard?

 

Here's our answers:

 

1) We're very private. ZERO face pics in any of the more "public" areas of the sites. We do have some mostly vanilla face pics behind password, but ZERO nude pics.

 

2) We have SUPER conservative family and friends. I'm talking if any friends even knew we went to a strip club as a couple they would FREAK OUT! One of us also has a very public job. Also, when we joined we searched locally and within minutes found a face pic of a guy we knew. He had put a tiny black line on his eyes, but it was 100% obvious who he was (especially using his FB profile pic... dummy).

 

3) Outed: nope, we haven't been and hope not to be, but a lot of friends and family wonder where we are all hours of the night over the past year. The "we're out dancing" excuse only works for so long. We do have a friend who was just outed: His father-in-law said he had a friend who was on LL, saw his profile and told his father-in-law about it and gave him access. Another friend's son was reading dad's text messages and thought dad was having an affair. The son felt obligated to tell mom that dad was cheating on her... but mom ended up having to explain it was ok... they were swingers. :eek:

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1 - We are appropriately discreet to protect our swinger friends. Most of our vanilla friends know what we do. Face pictures unlocked on SLS/SZC, sure no problem, but not CL.

 

2- We wouldn't share pictures or names of who we've slept with, because that is inappropriate and unclassy.

 

3- Yes we've been outed big time. Our ex's are married now (a permanent swap, 9 years ago).

 

Hope that was helpful.

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This is more generally an issue of "managing private lives". We chose an intermediate approach for reasons that will become apparent.

 

1. We do not do well with deception. We do much better with partial truths.

 

2. While we do not advertise, friends and even some work colleagues know that we have done "clothing-optional" vacations. We don't bring it up in the workplace. Neither do we make a secret of it. Just about everyone knows that our deck and backyard has a large hot tub. There is a sign next to it that says "swimsuits not allowed". Put it all together, and we make no secret of the fact that we are comfortable with social nudity. We don't push our preferences, neither do we hide them. Periodically we are asked what resorts we have been to, what was it like the first time and so on. We answer directly and without embarrassment. Nude recreation is sufficiently mainstream that no one really sees it as anything more than a preference.

 

3. We do not advertise that we play. That is private from our perspective, for all sorts of reasons. We will have couples over for dinner, cook out in the back, even get in the hot tub. Unless it's dark and the neighbors are away, the party needs to go indoors.

 

4. As Falstaff remarked in Henry IV, Pt 1, "Discretion is the better part of valor."

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1) How private are you about your lifestyle? Do you tell people? Do any friends know? Do you post face pics without any reservations or passwords on the lifestyle sites... or are you 100% private, ZERO face pics on any of the sites... not even password protected, etc?

2) What are your reasons for being or not being private?

3) Have you been outed at all? What's your outed story? Don't have one, then what is a good one you've heard?

 

1. Other than a couple of online friends and one friend, we haven't told anyone else about being swingers. We freely post our face pictures on the swinger ad site.

 

2. One of the reasons why we freely post our face pictures is because we don't want to go through the hassle of trading pictures to find out that there isn't any attraction. However, since we don't really email/chat with people online first before meeting, it has become a moot point. With that said, since we clearly have our default picture with both of us clearly shown, people easily recognize us when we go out to parties and come up to us. People can easily match our profile to us personally instead of hunting and guessing around.

 

3. Nope, we haven't been outed and if we are, then so be it. Going into swinging, we were realistic about it. If we were really afraid of having people judge us and be abhorred that we are swingers then:

a) that's up to them to have that opinion. If they feel the need to be judgmental and don't want to associate with us then it's more of their loss and our gain to not have such a negative attitude surrounding us. b) then we shouldn't be swinging if we were afraid of being outed. If keeping the peace between family or keeping your job is more important, then swinging shouldn't be done at all or should be done when you aren't in that job position or when you no longer feel afraid of what other people think. When you allow other people's opinion and thoughts determine how you feel then you aren't in control anymore...they are. You are letting them drive how you want to live your life.

 

I kept putting off responding to this thread for awhile because there seems to be a general shroud of shamefulness, embarrassment, fearfulness of being a swinger and being found out. And for those that don't feel that way but still insist on privacy due to "sex lives being a private act"...I'm actually getting tired of that reason as well. Sex is a natural thing. We require sex to continue our species. Why do we have to continue with this trend of keeping something so natural to our species in the dark? Imagine the possibilities if sexuality were more openly discussed. Perhaps sexual illnesses wouldn't have the stigma that they have today. Perhaps we wouldn't be so judgmental of who is attracted to who. Perhaps there would be more understanding of transgendered persons. Who knows. All I see is how this continuation of keeping sex in its deep, dark, shameful corner is keeping us and society as prisoners in regards to how everyone views sexuality. Do we fear it's perceived power or do we fear how liberating it can be to our minds?

 

I apologize for my thread tangent/hijack. :sorry: Others, please answer NYFlirts original questions and ignore my rantings. I might have had too much sugar today.

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I fully support friendly rants, especially if they aren't too heated! Keep the great discussion going!!!

 

I do know what you're saying and how you're feeling and I wish we could just say: "Hey, this is our preference and our life, so deal with it!" but there are always consequences for actions that are outside of our control. We have to deal with other people's issues the best ways we can. They say "honesty is the best policy"... but try telling your spouse, "Hey those jeans make you look fat." and see how that goes over. ;)

 

One great example for us: My wife's mother babysits for us all the time! Like, at the drop of a hat we can leave to go to a swinger party, out with another couple, etc. Mother-in-law is VERY VERY conservative and thinks we're going out dancing or hanging out with friends (which is often technically true)... but if she ever found out that every time she babysat her sweet princess daughter was out swallowing another man's cum and licking a hot woman all over... well, she'd NEVER EVER babysit for us again. Sure, we'd love if we didn't have to hide it from her, but we 100% know she would FREAK OUT and it would be completely game changing for our lifestyle.

 

If we were outed, it would be game changing for us with our friends, family, and jobs... but we aren't going to stop. You can never eliminate risk... you just manage it. (that's why few people drive the speed limit). We feel the probability and risks of being outed so badly, that it permeates every relationship, is slim. If for some reason we did get outed really badly, we realize it would be bad, but not the end of the world. So, we do all we can (within reason) to reduce the probability and realize it may happen to some extent some day.

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I fully support friendly rants, especially if they aren't too heated! Keep the great discussion going!!!

 

I do know what you're saying and how you're feeling and I wish we could just say: "Hey, this is our preference and our life, so deal with it!" but there are always consequences for actions that are outside of our control. We have to deal with other people's issues the best ways we can. They say "honesty is the best policy"... but try telling your spouse, "Hey those jeans make you look fat." and see how that goes over. ;)

 

One great example for us: My wife's mother babysits for us all the time! Like, at the drop of a hat we can leave to go to a swinger party, out with another couple, etc. Mother-in-law is VERY VERY conservative and thinks we're going out dancing or hanging out with friends (which is often technically true)... but if she ever found out that every time she babysat her sweet princess daughter was out swallowing another man's cum and licking a hot woman all over... well, she'd NEVER EVER babysit for us again. Sure, we'd love if we didn't have to hide it from her, but we 100% know she would FREAK OUT and it would be completely game changing for our lifestyle.

 

If we were outed, it would be game changing for us with our friends, family, and jobs... but we aren't going to stop. You can never eliminate risk... you just manage it. (that's why few people drive the speed limit). We feel the probability and risks of being outed so badly, that it permeates every relationship, is slim. If for some reason we did get outed really badly, we realize it would be bad, but not the end of the world. So, we do all we can (within reason) to reduce the probability and realize it may happen to some extent some day.

 

I don't want to hijack the thread very much more than I already have but I do understand your concerns. My entire side of the family is very conservative. I know for a fact that my mother thinks masturbation, watching porn, blow jobs, anal sex, homosexual sex, and premarital sex are committing a sin. I had to overcome this type of thinking that I grew up with. Since the majority of our babysitters are family, it would be a "game changer" as well. So I do understand...really. We don't tell them that we're swingers but when we go out, we simply state that we're going out to the club or a party if they ask. But we have decided that if they ask us point blank about being swingers, we aren't going to deny it.

 

The consequence/reaction thing is what puts a bug up my pants...we do live in fear of what will happen. Because of this, we are (ourselves included) taking a submissive role in allowing this type of consequence/reaction to continue in society. It's an endless circle of society having this abhorrence toward swinging/non-monogamy and swingers/non-monogamists allowing this type of disgust/fear to continue. For many gays, lesbians, and transgenders it can still be stressful and fearful to be in the open about their sexuality. However, there still had to be those brave ones that decided that they wouldn't allow society to keep them living in fear about who they are. Those brave ones were the spokespeople for the entire LGBT community that there are people out there that don't fit the "norm". They were telling everyone else around them that there isn't just one sexuality path. They were bringing more awareness that there's more diversity to the human population than they imagined. Gradually, some portions of society are becoming more welcoming but there's still so much hate and disgust out there. I know there will be those that say that this isn't really a good example because the LGBT community doesn't choose to be who they are while swingers do. How about those who choose to love someone of a different race from their own? Interracial marriage was illegal more than 40+ years ago. What about those couples that wanted to be together but not only was it frowned upon, deemed unnatural, sinful, but it was illegal? Or how about the fear of women working or voting or choosing to wear pants? We take these choices that are freely allowed to take without judgmental for granted. It can even been seen as powerful that a woman works outside of the house. Will we be able to see a day when gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgenders can love who they want without a bat of an eye from society? Will be be able to freely say that we're non-monogamists without a second thought?

 

/hi-jack over If anyone is really interested in writing more, please make a separate thread but I think I've said my piece about all of this.

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I've been going back and forth about telling a good guy friend about all our exploits. I was VERY worried about what he'd think and a little worried if he'd be able to keep his mouth shut. Fortunately I was made comfortable today that both weren't great concerns, so I told him everything about our exploits. It was another situation where there is risk with me telling someone / someone else knowing what we're up to, but I felt the return of having someone outside of the lifestyle to talk to outweighed the risks.

 

I wonder if we'll be able to maintain the secrecy indefinitely... especially as our kids get older!?!

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So, here are my questions:

 

1) How private are you about your lifestyle? Do you tell people? Do any friends know? Do you post face pics without any reservations or passwords on the lifestyle sites... or are you 100% private, ZERO face pics on any of the sites... not even password protected, etc?

2) What are your reasons for being or not being private?

3) Have you been outed at all? What's your outed story? Don't have one, then what is a good one you've heard?

 

 

I would say we are some what private when it comes to our lifestyle. A number of our closer family members know a little bit of what we do but none of our friends are aware. We have face pics but we have to open them up for people to see.

 

We keep it quiet because my wife works for the court system. I don't have an issue with others knowing but this is the one rule we have.

 

We have been outed in a small way. One of my relatives got angry with us and told my father. I explained to him that we love each other, we've been together twice as long as any of my siblings (21 years) and we're both adults making our own decisions of what makes us happy. I received an email yesterday from one of my old twitter accounts that a friend from work was now following me. I had forgotten about this account and found that I was following 5 or 6 lifestyle related people. I immediately removed them but I'm assuming it was too late and may be having an interesting conversation on Monday.

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1) How private are you about your lifestyle? Do you tell people? Do any friends know? Do you post face pics without any reservations or passwords on the lifestyle sites... or are you 100% private, ZERO face pics on any of the sites... not even password protected, etc?

A few good friends know. Too many, as far as I'm concerned, but my husband got a little blabby the first year. Still, I think the total is 5 (I told one person)

Face pics are only in locked albums, which few people get access to. Even there, I don't show so much as a nipple. Pictures can too easily get lifted from the internet.

 

2) What are your reasons for being or not being private?

I would lose my job. Simple as that.

 

3) Have you been outed at all? What's your outed story? Don't have one, then what is a good one you've heard?

Nope. If we were, I think we'd probably pick up and move, seriously.

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2) What are your reasons for being or not being private?

I would lose my job. Simple as that.

 

Here in Canada? I thought that was mostly a US thing (other than politicians). Thankfully I wouldn't lose my job for something like this.

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One of my relatives got angry with us and told my father. I explained to him that we love each other, we've been together twice as long as any of my siblings (21 years) and we're both adults making our own decisions of what makes us happy. I received an email yesterday from one of my old twitter accounts that a friend from work was now following me. I had forgotten about this account and found that I was following 5 or 6 lifestyle related people. I immediately removed them but I'm assuming it was too late and may be having an interesting conversation on Monday.

 

Wow, interesting story! Ya, it's the people that are disgruntled that I worry about too. I think anybody else that finds out wouldn't have any incentive to go out blabbing all over and causing us problems.

 

I LOVE that you mentioned how you two hare in love and been together twice as long! My wife and I have had more fun, spent more time together (finally a "hobby" we both enjoy to do together), and are happier in the past year we've been doing this than ever before! If we're together longer and more closely than others, then something must be working well!

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Yes, here in Canada. And since I have no desire to lose my job, I keep things very discreet.

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1) How private are you about your lifestyle? Do you tell people? Do any friends know? Do you post face pics without any reservations or passwords on the lifestyle sites... or are you 100% private, ZERO face pics on any of the sites... not even password protected, etc?

 

A few of our vanilla friends know - and most of my family knows (not his though), any and all of our racy pics are in private folders on sls and szc. We will share galleries with those who we think there is a mutual interest.

 

2) What are your reasons for being or not being private?

 

It's just nobody's business what we do in our spare time or what choices we make sexually. To those we are out to, it's nice to have others to talk to about it...I mean, never telling anyone about that fun party over the weekend is a bummer! It also helps to have an unbiased opinion too:)

 

3) Have you been outed at all? What's your outed story? Don't have one, then what is a good one you've heard?

 

Outed? We've ran into people we work with, but don't really consider that being outed. So far as we know, our secret is a intact as we keep it.

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1) How private are you about your lifestyle? Do you tell people? Do any friends know? Do you post face pics without any reservations or passwords on the lifestyle sites... or are you 100% private, ZERO face pics on any of the sites... not even password protected, etc?

A few of my closest vanilla friends know but otherwise it's kept private. In terms of family my sister knows because she's also in the LS. We have some good friends we met in the LS and we have mostly kept the two groups separate. We don't post face pics on pubic sites but we have face and explicit pics in private folders that we share with people we have played with or have met who are interested in getting together.

 

2) What are your reasons for being or not being private?

Career is big reason for keeping LS private. Also coming from Asian background, our vanilla friends and family are mostly very conservative.

 

3) Have you been outed at all? What's your outed story? Don't have one, then what is a good one you've heard?

Not really. We've run into vanilla friends at a popular local beach that has a nude section. We were obviously in the nude area. Not sure if they made the leap from our self-proclaimed love of nudism to swinging.

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A lot of our friends know, at least those closest to us. But, it's not something we just tell people. Most of those who know actually know because they figured it out on their own.

 

I've shared a number of stories of us being outted in different ways... whether it was friends finding us on SLS or me accidentally hitting the wrong signature when I emailed my mom...

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We have always been private people overall even in our vanilla lives...never had a FB or other social media page, done chat or anything that puts info out there unnecessarily. So we defiantly try to limit LS things like full-face pics in profiles despite the negative opinions we have seen some others feel about that and will only email them to those we've been in contact with and a good chance of meeting. Neither of us could comfortably discuss the LS with family, vanilla friends or current or past co-workers. There have been only two instances were one could say we were somewhat "outed".

 

The first time was when we were at an on-premise club and the wife ran into someone she used to work with who apparently was a regular. It made for an awkward moment, but we think more so for the other woman since while she was by nature the kind of "outrageous" at times, party-type, the wife was always known as the unassuming "good girl" who never engaged in risqué conversation in work. It was only by the luck that this woman no longer worked at the job that it might have brought the awkwardness to a whole different level.

 

The second time was when I (the husband) made the, in retrospect, not too smart decision to reveal our lifestyle to a co-worker the goal being since she was an open lesbian with bi-curious tendencies, we could get a little something-something going and capture the elusive unicorn. We took her to one of the clubs we knew hoping the environment would get things flowing (so to speak), but turned out to be a bust as she didn't seem as interested or curious as she claimed to be. While nothing more was said about it to each other in the time I continued to work with this woman (she eventually quit over unrelated issues) I just couldn't ever shake the feeling that she mentioned it to others and they were just being polite of course to bring up the subject to me.

 

Since that time, we learned to be very careful what we say around vanilla folks and would be very leery to share anything to even those we THINK we can trust.

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Ya, that's a good point about being leery. Once you tell someone, it's not like you can untell them!

 

It's been killing me (Mr.) to share things with someone, and with the Mrs' permission I told a friend of mine that is, for the most part, totally mutually exclusive from all our other spheres and hopefully would never say anything to anyone. On one hand it was great to talk to someone, but I do wonder if it will come back to bite us some day.

 

When we sit down to talk about it, we wonder to ourselves, "What is the absolute worst that would happen if we were outed?" Unless someone was maliciously trying to hurt us, I think the damage would be relatively contained. I mean, we don't imagine that friends would tell family, workers would tell friends, family would tell co-workers, and any other combinations. Even if, for some reason, someone decided to go out and tell everyone we know everything we've done, it would be awkward, but I don't know that our lives would be over.

 

What do you think? What are your thoughts on "What's the worst that would happen?" Would you loose your jobs? Friends avoid you? Family never speak to you?

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I can definitely understand about the feeling of wanting to tell someone. When I suspected this women I worked with might have told other co-workers I was very self-conscience of what they might think. But admit there was a part of me that almost wanted them to know. A few of the other women I worked with were quite attractive and more then once I had the passing wish of if only they were in the LS and thus available. So while there was the possibility my rep would suffer if they knew, I also couldn't help entertaining the thought it might elevate it as well. That somehow they might be thinking a quiet, not exactly male model beefcake guy like me who never play-flirted with anyone was having hot sex with other women and all with my wife's approval and think...wow...that's hot!:)

 

As far as the ramifications if anyone did find out it would obviously depend on who. With co-workers, as indicated, it would likely make future relations uncomfortable to some but maybe improve others. It might indeed make me more attractive to some of the women and I'm certain some of the guys might be high-fiving me and saying "Wish I could convince my wife to do that." :lol:

 

For the wife it would likely be less positive not only because the difference in how others view openly sexual women vs. men, but she has always presented herself as the last person one would think about having sex with other men & women she just met while her husband watched. Hell, I think some of them might have a hard time even visualizing her having sex with me!

 

We were never worried about losing any job as most of the ones we have had would not be considered the high-profile types that would care about such private life decisions as long as it didn't affect productivity and we would have told them to go fuck themselves if they had brought it up.

 

For family the knowledge would produce more predictable results. Using examples such as our age difference, they both realize we are not one for convention and will do our own thing no matter what their opinion and they will come around eventually and see the whole picture. So while they would never do anything drastic as disowning or never speaking to us again there would no doubt be a lot of initial finger-wagging, moralizing and barely hidden anger. But in the end they would be forced to accept it and after a while rarely bring it up again.

 

So in conclusion, while it would not be the end of world and the worst knowledge revealed, but still enough drama that discretion is still the better part of valor.

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Wow, it's been almost a year since I started this thread!!!

 

Anybody else have any "been outed" stories that happened to them or someone else they know in the lifestyle?

 

While my wife and I are still VERY careful about our face pics and the info we share with random people, we're starting to be less careful and slightly less worried about being outed.

 

With that said, the recent news break about the founder of Tinder's texts to an employee being made public is kinda freaking me out. I'm starting to wonder about the sexting we do with other couples and if that could come back to bite us.

 

... but then I think, "I'm doing this with my wife... not like I'm cheating on her or sexually harassing anybody." If it got out there that we're swingers, I'm sure we'd lose friends and it would be SUPER awkward with family, but I really wonder how horrible life would be and for how long.

 

Thoughts?

 

How terrible would your life really be if you got outed?

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On pics and privacy: We have accounts on Swingular, Kasidie, and SLS.. We have face pics and nude pics (no pics doing sex acts, just random poses) in the private areas on all three. On Kasadie we also have face pics in the public pics but only for verified couples. On Swingular and SLS was have blurred out face pics in the public area. The idea was that we did not want someone to be able to create a free account and look at our faces. Kasadie controls this somewhat, we control it on the other sites. We used to give pretty much anyone we talked to access to the private areas but we have started pulling back since we noticed almost nobody returns the favor - even the ones that continuously send us invites.

 

Reasons for our personal privacy policy: We are not paranoid about being found out but we don't want it to be part of the conversation with non-LS friends and we don't want to be there reason (or the perceived reason) that someone else is outed. A man recognized my wife when she was shopping at a store (she has a distinctive body/head of hair and was wearing the same shirt as the photo) and ended up following her out to her car and down the road a ways.. .After that we blurred more of the pics to hide her hair and she no longer wears the clothes in the public photos. We have no public nudes.

 

Being outed: No - just the guy that recognized my wife.. We also had one couple that we had some email exchanges with that spotted us at a restaurant and emailed us about it a month later to let us know they thought they saw us...

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We don't mix sex friends with regular friends. We don't tell anyone in regular life about what we do. We do have to come up with cover stories as to why we keep going back to same resort in Mexico two times a year.

 

Don't think jobs at risk but don't visit local swing club because too close for comfort. Have not been outed or about issues so far.

 

We are on sSDC and Kasidie but don't use face pics. We blur out faces. Do exchange private pics or use password for private album.

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Guest troubadour

1) How private are you about your lifestyle? Very. Do you tell people? I have told no one. Do any friends know?My wife told a long-time friend after our first experience. That friend, I was told, had a lot of questions, but has never uttered a peep about it to me. Do you post face pics without any reservations or passwords on the lifestyle sites... or are you 100% private, ZERO face pics on any of the sites... not even password protected, etc? 100% private.

2) What are your reasons for being or not being private?Work, vanilla life.

3) Have you been outed at all? Not to my knowledge. What's your outed story? Don't have one, then what is a good one you've heard?

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We keep our online profiles very private because we do not want family or friends to know what we get up to. But I recently came across the profile of a couple I know, I messaged them to let them know I had recognized them and what they needed to change to remain anonymous. We are now having dinner with them tomorrow night, I may be back here soon with an outed story.

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1) How private are you about your lifestyle? Do you tell people? Do any friends know? Do you post face pics without any reservations or passwords on the lifestyle sites... or are you 100% private, ZERO face pics on any of the sites... not even password protected, etc?
Our pictures can be seen at more than one swingers' Web site.

 

2) What are your reasons for being or not being private?
People have figured it out anyway without access to swinger's sites. Once we realized that, we decided to just pull out all of the stops.

 

3) Have you been outed at all? What's your outed story? Don't have one, then what is a good one you've heard?
At about three years into our lifestyle journey, two members (a married couple) of our shul found our profile at a Web site and sent a note, "Hey, we think we know you guys. Want to get together for something other than a volunteer's committee meeting?" At about five years, the young woman who lives across the street figured it out. She was curious about all the comings and goings in the middles of days. At seven years, one of the kids figured it out -- "Hey, Mom and Dad, how is it you know so many people who live so far away and why are you going out nearly every weekend?". Once one kid figured it out, only milliseconds passed before the others knew. They'll live with it and so will we.

 

Footnote: If them kids are holding on for an inheritance, they can just forget that idea. We're busy spending it on swinger's parties.

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1) We are not 100% private on the swing sites. We will past face pictures public. Some topless shots (no face public). PG-13 and R rated pictures are password protected.

 

2) Main reason for being private is this is not an activity accepted by many so we want to avoid being found out.

 

3) We don't have an outed story but do have a few funny things along the way.

 

- Early on in swinging we were trying the "meet people in a bar first" to get to know each other. That never really worked out for us, but we had our first meeting at a bar a similar distance from us and the other couple. So we were sitting at a table chatting and my Wife's -Mom's-boyfriend's-daughter comes over the say high. Apparently this bar is their normal watering hole, close to their house. So this information got back to my wife's mom and she was asking who were those people? Why were you all the way over there? We just said a friend of mine from college. But geez our first meeting in a bar where we thought would be a bit out of the way.

 

- When we first started swinging we were also in a wine group (vanilla) on meetup.com. I was telling female co-worker about the wine group when she heard meetup she asked if we were swingers (jokingly). I probably turned shades of red and just said Yes! (jokingly).

 

- At a new years eve party we typically attend, we spend the evening. The next day, at a family dinner, my mom asked if we all swapped around in the bedrooms! (She was 90 at the time). Yikes!

 

- Last fall we had plans to go to the Finger Lakes (wine country) in New York, staying a number of days at a house with a number of l/s couples. (we never made it as I was just out of the hospital for an unexpected stay). But our daughter (25 y/o at the time) asked if she could drive up on Saturday and visit us. She knows many of the couples. I said well it wasn't my trip to plan and we were invited so not sure if you can go. She said that's ok, you will all be running around naked anyway. (She knows we went to a nude beach in Hedo with another couple). She knows we are a bit wild but I don't think she knows the full extent.

 

- Another time we came home from an event very late, but our daughter (21 at the time) had waited up for us (I think her best friend was over too). The event involved mardi gras beads and my wife had forgotten to take them off. Our daughter exclaims. "Why are you wearing boobie beads!!!!"

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Wow, great stories!!!

 

Thankfully those are pretty mild. From time to time we see people on the swinger sites that totally remove everything from their profiles and then post a note or send an email that they needed to remove everything because they were outed.

 

I really am curious what some of the "bad" stories are. Hopefully there aren't many of them and our fears of "worst case scenario" are totally unfounded.

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I have to be honest and say that after an adult lifetime of being in and out of this lifestyle I have never been "outed" by anyone. There have been 2 occasions where former co-workers found out I was in the lifestyle, but both were after we were no longer co-workers. One found me on SLS about a year after we no longer worked for the same company (even when we did, we were in different divisions in different cities) and we both laughed about it and are friends and very occasional playmates. One I outed myself to after we were no longer co-workers as we had great conversation and he was going through a bad time in his marriage (we have not played and will not.)

 

This may sound really strange after reading the stories on this thread but sometimes I kind of wish I was outed or that I outed myself. I realize there would be drama and shock and all that craziness, but I think life would be so much more real once the dust settled and people realized I was still the same person I was before they knew my lifestyle choice.

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I really am curious what some of the "bad" stories are. Hopefully there aren't many of them and our fears of "worst case scenario" are totally unfounded.

 

This is a good point I've not really thought about before...most of us have certain requirements for discretion because we assume the worst if outed, but where are the horror stories that justify this fear? Who has actually lost their job because of some morality clause in their contact? Whose family has completely disowned them strictly because of their involvement in the lifestyle?

 

I'm only curious...I know that being outed can be embarrassing and most likely make any of us gossip fodder, but where are the examples of real distress?

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The photos we post either don't include face shots or with hats, sunglasses and the angle from which is was taken, folks might at best be able to say, "Hey, look at this picture, these two could be you." Or, "This could be you." Hubby even has a screen save photo on his phone that shows my boobs but they look so much larger in the photo then they are when I am dress, he just tells people, "it is my girlfriend," or "its the best looking set of boobs I could find on the internet." Only one guy ever questioned that they were mine.

 

Other than that, we have never been found out. We tend to show our sexuality more than the norm but people tend to write that off to the fact that we met later in life, are newly weds. We had an MFM with a friend but it doesn't occur to him that we are swingers, he just thinks its a thing that happens with the three of us.

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This may sound really strange after reading the stories on this thread but sometimes I kind of wish I was outed or that I outed myself.

 

Honestly, I'm finding myself having those same thoughts! Partially so I don't have to stress about all the secrecy, but also because I secretly want all my friends (especially guy friends) to know what an awesome marriage I have and how much fun we are having. Sure, those are probably terrible reasons, but hey, it's how I feel! ;) I know a bunch of the guys in our vanilla couple friends are already attracted to my wife. imagine if they knew that she's also hot for some of them and would be more than happy to have her way with them!?!?

 

I'm only curious...I know that being outed can be embarrassing and most likely make any of us gossip fodder, but where are the examples of real distress?

 

Yup, totally agree! I'm sure there are a few cases where bad things have happened, but I have to believe that they are few and far between.

 

In general, I think that while it's definitely considered "immoral" to many Westerners, it's also not considered at the same level as cheating on your spouse. People may think we're crazy sexual deviants, but if we're doing it with our spouse's consent and involvement, it's got a significantly different feel (at least IMO) than cheating... which is pretty dang common.

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I'm not convinced being out would be ok. For most people, when newbies there is a huge concern about being outed. This at a time when your perspective is closest to the "typical" non-swinger mindset.

 

Fast forward 6 months, 2 years, 5 years, and many play partners / orgies later, and your mindset of "what's the big deal" is colored by your evolved swinger view.

 

I think there is the potential for real consequences that we recognize at the beginning, but as we become more advanced ;-) we mentally minimize the consequences for no reason other than the change in our own perspective.

 

Just the old be careful what you wish for warning.

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I'm not convinced being out would be ok. For most people, when newbies there is a huge concern about being outed. This at a time when your perspective is closest to the "typical" non-swinger mindset.

 

Fast forward 6 months, 2 years, 5 years, and many play partners / orgies later, and your mindset of "what's the big deal" is colored by your evolved swinger view.

 

I think there is the potential for real consequences that we recognize at the beginning, but as we become more advanced ;-) we mentally minimize the consequences for no reason other than the change in our own perspective.

 

Just the old be careful what you wish for warning.

 

I understand what you mean but we must have not given two pennies whether we were "outed" right from the beginning because our view has been consistent from newbie to "advanced". I realize that there is a desire to avoid drama but sometimes people are going to make a fuss about anything and everything and you are the one that has to choose whether you want to fight that battle or not. I advise newbies to be careful about playing with friends and co-workers, not necessarily because they can be outed (although that can be a good enough reason not to play with them for some people), but because there are some other consequences...like losing friends, losing a job, having rumors spread about you, the chance of being caught in a court-room drama situation, the possibility of using personal information to blackmail you, etc.

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Fast forward 6 months, 2 years, 5 years, and many play partners / orgies later, and your mindset of "what's the big deal" is colored by your evolved swinger view.

 

Wow, I think you're hitting on a pretty excellent point! It's been amazing to see my wife go from crazy conservative to crazy sex monster on the pole, and also how that's totally changed her perspective. I think she's actually unaware and out of touch with how she used to feel and ALSO how other people would feel about finding out. We now spend so much more time with our crazy sexual friends and so little time with our vanilla friends, that both of our perspectives are skewed... if even subconsciously.

 

I guess it's a big reason why I started this thread... to get an idea of where reality meets perception/perspective/expectations of "being outed".

 

So, where are all the BIG BAD OUTED STORIES?!?!

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There is a good chance no one here has a really bad outed story, Because if you were outed and it did not end well you probably would duck for cover and become less active in the lifestyle.

 

I have been thinking about this and as much as it would not bother me if everyone knew what we got up to, I have a wife who would be horrified if her friends found out. We also have children who are almost teenagers and it could affect them as well. So we will continue to have our dirty little secret.

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Many of us have VERY important reasons for keeping the lifestyle side of their lives VERY private. For some it's their super vanilla and conservative friends and family. For others it is their public facing jobs or concerns about how they'd be perceived at work or with clients.

 

So, here are my questions:

 

1) How private are you about your lifestyle? Do you tell people? Do any friends know? Do you post face pics without any reservations or passwords on the lifestyle sites... or are you 100% private, ZERO face pics on any of the sites... not even password protected, etc?

2) What are your reasons for being or not being private?

3) Have you been outed at all? What's your outed story? Don't have one, then what is a good one you've heard?

 

 

1) We don't advertise but if someone ask we usually respond with "Why do you ask?" and we will tell them. There have been a couple times Mrs Jiggly just blurts it out. The only person she hides it from is her mother. We used to have face pics public on SLS but we had a situation where someone figured out where we lived and suggested he would find her when she went for her morning walk to talk. Since then we have face pics private but open them when we feel comfortable.

 

As far as who we play with its never anyone's business but ours. We may have the freedom not to hide it but we definitely respect others privacy. That's one of the things about Certs on SLS that irritates me. People automatically assume that you have played. We have played with about half the people who certed us. A nessecary evil I suppose.

 

2) We never felt the need to hide playing. Although I work for a conservative company the attitude is if its not causing issues in the workplace its not a problem. My direct supervisor knows.

 

3) It may not be an "outing" but we signed up for a party and recognized a couple who was attending. They we friends with a very vanilla couple of ours and we had all interacted socially. Well rather than dealing with the stress of trying to hide it we came out to the vanilla couple. They were cool with it but they made it clear its not something they would ever do. They sure enjoy the stories however.

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We are very private, we do not share pics on websites and when contacting someone only share fully clothed pics that are publicly available elsewhere online so we could always claim they got them that way. I also have a throw away email address.

 

I wouldn't tell anyone, not a friend, not a relative. Frankly our sex life is our business and no one else's. I'm not ashamed of swinging but I also understand the great unwashed majority can be very ignorant and very prejudicial and I don't feel like being cannon fodder.

 

That being said our daughter (at 19) asked how come she hadn't seen some friends (we swung with) for a while & were we fighting with them? I didn't feel that was any of her business and told her so. Her exact words: I don't care if you're fucking them I just want to know what's happening. It struck me as so funny I started laughing and said something like whatever gave you that idea? She's never mentioned it since.

 

Our second close encounter happened when we went to a vanilla dinner party with some people we swung with. I guess the nature of having sex with someone is personal space shrinks and people get touchy feely around each other. The 4 of us were playing the cork game (described below) nobody else was. Anyway the hostess looks across the table at the 4 of us and says "Are you guys swingers or something". Talk about a conversation stopper! :D We're pretty shocked but mumble something about no ha ha we're just good friends or something like it.

 

The scary end to the evening

So the evening wraps up and the 4 of us are at the door saying goodbye to the host and hostess. She goes over and gives the other guy a hug and then comes over to me. I go to give her a hug and she sticks her hands down the front of my pants and starts rooting around. Turns out she's got the cork and is making damn sure it's going to stay where she's putting it. I'm floored, my buddy looks like an owl his eyes are so big and round and his jaw looks like it's going to hit the floor. Thank god her hubby was busy hugging my wife goodbye. He's big, he's super religious, he's known for having a very wicked temper and frankly I just like the guy. He's not someone I want to have to fight but I know if he had seen it he'd of gone off like a volcano.

 

The Cork Game Really simple and a great icebreaker. Take a cork or two (depending on the size of the group) from a wine bottle (make sure it's dry) and start ambushing likely prey :-) Object is to catch them unawares and drop it into a suitable place (underwear etc) before they can react. It's small, easily hides in your hand and generates a lot of great screams! Once they get it it's their turn.

 

P.S. It is not considered sporting to try and shove the cork up someone's ass. However it is not unknown for violations to occur ::P:

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We do have to come up with cover stories as to why we keep going back to same resort in Mexico two times a year.

 

Timeshare. ;-)

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I wouldn't tell anyone, not a friend, not a relative. Frankly our sex life is our business and no one else's. I'm not ashamed of swinging

 

I'm not saying that it's not possible, but I find it hard to believe that you don't discuss aspects of your sex life with any friends or family.

 

But maybe that is just me not seeing past what is "normal" for me and the people I know.

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I'm not saying that it's not possible, but I find it hard to believe that you don't discuss aspects of your sex life with any friends or family.

 

But maybe that is just me not seeing past what is "normal" for me and the people I know.

 

Well maybe if I told you I refuse to have a facebook acct etc you'd understand how much I value my privacy. I've been on the internet now since 98 and with the position I occupy I have seen some very scary things. We don't put up pics on the adult sites or anything. Throwaway email addresses etc. We have not told friends other than the ones we started swinging with originally (big mistake) and I couldn't imagine telling another friend or relative about it. I just don't think any of them would understand except maybe one and she is the biggest blabbermouth we know.

 

Anyone that thinks their info is secure or can't be used against them should read this:

 

It'll blow your mind to know that everytime you are out driving........

 

Article

 

Anyway we are just really, really private about the swinging thing. Strangely enough total strangers knowing about it doesn't bother me in the slightest. Go figure!

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I'm not saying that it's not possible, but I find it hard to believe that you don't discuss aspects of your sex life with any friends or family.

 

I don't discuss [lifestyle] aspects of your sex life with any friends or family.

 

1) it's none of their business;

 

2) while the lifestyle is fun, the BEST and craziest sex has always involved my wife (sometimes in a group ;-)

 

3) friends and family automatically assume that any allusions by me to sex have to do with my spouse (see point 2 above);

 

4) why create a flashpoint with someone close to you;

 

5) why become the center of gossip; and

 

6) I was taught not to brag. ;-)

 

For me, it really isn't hard to not talk about it with vanillas. I have my spouse, plenty of LS friends, and this board as an outlet IF I feel the NEED to talk to someone.

 

I do, however, often walk around with a huge smile on my face thinking about it.

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