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Disillusioned: A Tale of Two Swingers

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We have pics to back up everything we say about us in this tale of woe. Enjoy the travails of the world's worst swingers!!!

***

 

We have been happily and orgasmically married for 15 years. She is a svelte and slender 5’10, red headed knockout, he is a Brendan Frasier look-alike with 7”. We both stop traffic when we go out in public, and we have a game we play with each other about comparing scores after any trip out of the house. We’ve both had ample opportunity for extra-marital fun over the years, but neither of us has ever done anything. We are best friends.

 

Our sex life is phenomenal, or it WAS, read on- anyway, if there were a sex event in the Olympics we’d bring home the gold. We usually go (on a normal, “hot” night) for six or seven hours…exploring every desire and fantasy… both achieving multiple orgasms. We do it all, ladies and gents, and it rules….

 

So, as “advanced” sexual beings, we started talking about swinging. We thought it would be hot and bring a new dimension to our already fantastic sex life. We read everything we could on the topic: about how swingers are actually well grounded, sexually open and honest people who don’t view marriage as a state of “property”, and all the other swinger myths… we talked and talked, and talked for two years getting ready for it.. then finally decided we were ready, worked out for six months.. and took the plunge!

 

Only to meet with the most absolute, complete rejection and game playing the world has ever seen. We did everything- the meet ‘n greets, the websites. Here’s what we got:

 

We went on a date with one couple to the most expensive and trendiest restaurant in the city- spent gobs of cash. They got a hotel room right by the restaurant. We talked and talked and talked until 4:30am when the “she” on their side very quickly and rudely said good night. Later, we saw pictures of her on the web doing everything to everybody. Guess we didn’t qualify: though we had a good time as “pals” chatting and hanging out…

 

On to date two: wifey on our side is completely crunched on by wifey on their side. We meet in a diner, and both wifeys end up in the back of a car making out. (if bi-ness offends you, move on, it’s one of our primary goals)—hubby on our side is lit up like a firework. We make a date…

 

For a trendy, expensive restaurant in another city… when we arrive we have a cordial and friendly dinner- though the heat from the last encounter is obviously not there. We then hang out as pals for a long while, until “she” on their side ditches us at a bar. “She” has to literally drag “he” out of there, who apologizes profusely. We are shocked.

 

So we move on to date three.. another couple, very nice folks- though physically on the marginal side for us. We’re not shallow though, and for us attitude means a lot more than “hotness”. We went out with these guys, had a great time, and were rejected BY THEM. “No Click”… At this point we, who continue to both get hit on relentlessly apart, start spending a lot of time in front of the mirror wondering what the hell is going on.

 

So, after all the work-up, prep, nervousness, and expense.. we have fucked NO ONE. What has it done to our sex lives? Spiced it up? NO. Now sex is a huge issue. We both have hang-ups we’ve never had… we both have desire problems… we both have deflated self-esteems.

 

So, a word of caution to those going down this path: it’s a roll of the dice. For us, two years of talk and six months of preparation led to the complete loss of our fantasies, the loss of this end of our drive, and a disillusioned and confused pair who are simply trying to put their sex lives back together.

 

Signed:

 

The World’s Worst Swingers

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OOOKaayyy then....

 

I think you have set yourselves up for some big failures!!

If you thought that your first one or even three encounters were going to be smash hits then you have seen the reality of swinging. Sometimes you have to weed through until you find someone you click with.

 

When setting up meetings you should not waste time and money by going to some expensive restaurant. For meetings you should go to a coffee shop or a bar, that way if you do not click or things do not work out, then you are not obligated to sit through a dinner or shell out big bucks for an uncomfortable time. You can always do the expensive dinner after you have played and determined that you like each other.

 

I think you are better suited for the club scene as you can go there without any expectations, have some fun, if you hook up great, if not so what you have fun anyway .

 

Sometimes, and as you stated you are both very hot...people can feel intimidated by the 'ken and barbieness' as well. If I meet a couple that was physically perfect compared to my after baby strechmarked body...well I might be more than a little self conscious (I would still do you though...hey I love Brendon Frasier facelick ). I remember when I was single and dating, I went through a lot of guys until I found one that clicked and made me want to drag him to bed. Don't let rejection make you feel bad about yourselves. When you fall off the horse....you gotta get right back on. Don't give up hope, there are a lot of good people out there.

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There is a lot of hit or miss in swinging. It's just part of the reality of it.

 

From the descriptions of who you are and what you want, I think you guys would do much better at a club or hotel party. Or maybe a convention. If you're hot-looking, and ready for action, I GUARANTEE that you will not go un-laid at such festivities. I wish we had that problem. :)

 

Anyway, don't give up or be so down on yourself. Maybe what you're learning is that the vision of the world you had doesn't match up with the reality all that well. Ok, no problem, happens to people all the time. But you are not your internal vision, and just because it proves faulty doesn't mean anything about you. Dust it off, modify it as required, and move on.

 

One little comment to finish: we've generally found (not claiming to be experts) that people who need/want to do a lot of talking up-front are most often not going to hit it with you. Oh sure, we want to get to know you, but this hours and hours stuff? Forget it. Our experiences has been that those deals rarely move to the bedroom, and when they do they are usually a disappointment. We like people who know and are happy with who they are and what they want - like you. :) Don't worry, there are plenty of other folks like us out there.

 

Don't be a stranger, hang out here and talk, maybe get your spouse to come around too. Believe me, every little issue you have, other folks here have had, and it's quite likely that their experience can help you.

 

Mr. DBStPete

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At this point we, who continue to both get hit on relentlessly apart, start spending a lot of time in front of the mirror wondering what the hell is going on.

 

I have to say - at the risk of sounding a bit negative - that this may sum up your problem...

 

Why are you looking into something that you are already convinced is outstanding? Early in the tale, you focus on your looks - and from what I read, you seem convinced that you have this aspect of your lives nailed down; actually nailed and glued with six months of working out prior to entering the lifestyle.

 

Maybe a mirror isn't where you need to look...

 

Swinging isn't about "getting laid". As much a part of the lifestyle as sex is, it is the connection with others that really seem to make or break this lifestyle for others. Oddly, it is the people who stand in front of the mirror and sigh disappointedly who seem to be making there way through the lifestyle. Not that they aren't gorgeous traffic-stoppers in their own right. It is just that isn't where they feel they can hang all of their chances.

 

I don't know...

 

To me it seems that you are bent on impressing someone - the trendy restaurants, et al. Most people we meet just want to connect with people whom they can like - not be impressed by; and not feel like they have to impress back.

 

My suggestion is to approach this as a way to meet friends - not to get laid. That hurdle is already jumped because you know what the other couple is into. Have dinner, laugh, talk and go in prepared to go home... Let things happen more naturally.

 

And don't be surprised to be rejected by "marginal" couples. Clicking is much more than skin deep.

 

Spoomonkey

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I don't want to sound negative either, but you seem way too wound up. Learn to relax, forget dropping big bucks on meetings, just have a good time. Our first orgy resulted from six couples going bowling of all things. A couple of hours of pins and beers and we all wound up on our living room floor balls and cheers. You aren't going to click with everyone and as you spend more time in the lifestyle you will discover that it is a lot less about looks than most folks think.

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Wow..great replies all! First: on our looks- we are FAR from perfect folks, but we do get attention, and that's the only point we wanted to make. It would be easy for someone to read our experiences and say: "well, you're just fugly!" lol.. we know that's not true, but we are definitely NOT wrapped up in looks. We aren't superficial, and we work out for US- not to impress anyone.

 

We also aren't focused on physical appearance in our "pals"- we are WAY more into attitude than anything else. We are about the least shallow people you'd ever meet, sorry if our post implied otherwise. Just wanted to get the "fugly" business out of the way and rant a little. :-)

 

Wifey here has stretch marks too... by the way. We call them the true badges of womanhood.

 

Re: expensive, overblown meetings: AMEN! After the FIRST one we swore it wouldn't happen again, and then we forgot our own rule. We thought it was a good bet based on the "diner" episode though, and we had fun despite everything else.

 

The other comments from you all are great! We actually talk a lot and think about things and have come to some of the same conclusions- there's bound to be some hit and miss, that's life. We just got frustrated over the miss after miss after miss. Don't worry for us, our attitudes and resolve are back--just a little late night rant there yesterday. Felt good to get it out there, now we feel like we've gotten that off our chest.

 

We took a long break, and now we're easing back into this- with a whole different mindset. We hope our rant at least helps some other newbies set their expectations better, and learn from our mistakes.

 

Re: clubs- we thought about that, but we're not sure that's our thing either. We want a little bit more intimate involvement with our "pals"- in fact- the only element missing from our experiences was the sex part..lol. We'd prefer to meet 1:1, hang out, have fun, and then close the deal if it's right for everyone. One of these days it will be! Thanks for the rant space!

 

 

DelectableDuo

 

--> if a board admin is reading this, we're just not getting validation emails, which is a shame because this looks like a great place to hang out. We'll keep trying.

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You know the saying....

 

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!"

 

:lol:

 

This is a good rant to post that I'm sure many can relate to.

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there's bound to be some hit and miss, that's life.

 

We call it "catch and release". :D

 

The problem with the internet is that there is just soooo much work involved. In a club, you can meet a dozen couples in a short time. You may click with one of them or all of them - and just as likely, none of them.

 

But if you are going to go the route of the internet, just see it as a dinner out for the two of you and you'll be fine.

 

Then - when you least expect it - you'll connect. We wrote recently about our frustration with single men. Within two weeks we met someone who was very compatible and turned out to be a great playmate... I thnik the fates conspire to make this a little frustrating, but it sounds like you two are going to tough it out.

 

Good luck!

 

Spoomonkey

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--> if a board admin is reading this, we're just not getting validation emails, which is a shame because this looks like a great place to hang out. We'll keep trying.

 

You are showing as a registered user, which means that at some point you have validated your email/membership. You are on Yahoo, so chances are your confirmation email got misdirected to your spam/bulk folder and you found it. Whatever the case, your registration is confirmed.

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Julie--yeah thank, the problem was that we had tried the registration link a few times and the code changed every time...duh. We're all set now.

 

Thanks for the replies, also all....

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We have met for dinner, couples that we have really hit it off with in clubs and where there was plenty of chemistry. But the restaurant, fully clothed situation makes for uncomfortable flirting. You may want to try meeting a couple for dinner and then moving to a swingers club situation where the sparks might just fly.

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My wife and I have also tryed to join into the lifestyle and we as well have felt this just isn't worth it. we as well have been talking about this over the past two years, reading web pages such as this one, swinger magizines etc to get information.

 

We have tryed the club scene.

 

Every night out takes alot of work and expense, we have small children, so we must arrange for a over night babysitter, make sure our stories match becouse we can't just tell grandma we are going to a swing club. The nearest City that has clubs and socials is a two hour drive so we always book a hotel room so we both can have some wine and a good time.

 

Back in October I posted under the heading of "Wrong Club?" We ended up in this sleezy club, ith people we had nothing in common with, was this the way all of the clubs were. I had four different people PM me and recomended that we try the club we were just at.

 

Since then I research two local groups whom meet in Hotels for Socials, after e-mailing back and forth I was assured that the avarage demographic of one group were 35 - 45 years old, middle class, etc simular to ourselfs.

 

This time we found our selfs in a ball room filled with people my parents age, the social aspected was more clickie than a High School Dance, we quickly agreed there was no one in that room that we would want to have sex with, but we both looked forward to a little dancing and good conversation. Anytime we tryed to start a conversation, we were quickly stopped.

 

At the end of the evening we agreed, it just isn't worth it. We are not comfortable meeting people over the internet, and we have decided we are not going to find nice looking people our age, upper middle class etc the type of people we want to socailize with in clubs.

 

We are done..

 

Good Luck to you

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My goodness, everyone's having the same problems we are! If any of you have read our experiences, you know what I mean. In the cases we've posted,it's always the wife who gets serious cold feet when her man pays too much attention to me.That may be what the original poster's problem is.A lot of times,as long as the wife feels complete control over what her husband does, everything is fine.But, once the mood shifts and the guys start to really pay attention to me,it seriously pisses them off.We even had this happen over the weekend when we went to a pretty popular lifestyle club...this couple was flirting with us and talking just fine, until her man stayed behind to hold our table while my hunny and I danced.She got pissed off and left him there, so when we came back, he basically apologized and went to find her.I am not kidding you, it happens A LOT! For me, as long as the other female respects me, I am fine.And, I always try to do the same...and this stuff can get pretty discouraging.But, hey...when it's meant to be, it will be!! :kissface:

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Ha HA! Our angst is NOT uncommon! Sorry that that is the case! If you look around the web this is sold as an "inviting and open" lifestyle.. what a myth... Anyway, sorry to hear the story of other couples in our dilemma. Sadly, there is no ready solution. We quit for a while, but we're back- just with a different attitude. Every couple needs to learn their niche, their way of playing, and we're figuring ours out. Good luck to you respondents!

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Re: Sensuality's post: That situation has happened on both sides of the fence for us, if hubby likes our wifey too much, their wifey gets pissed. If their wifey likes our hubby too much.. big problem. If their hubby likes our hubby.. everyone freaks... LOL. Anyway, it's not easy getting four people together- so we're focusing on the impossible 3.

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I feel everyone's pain. *LOL*

Now add to the mix the reality of small town, rural living where everybody knows everybody, and the frustration level goes thru the roof.

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Thanks for everyone's cry of "hang in there" but as of now.. still nothing, nada, nichts, nyet... This is a frustrating and aggravating "adventure"...

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Just thought I would drop in my $0.02 worth here...

 

My wife and I are an average looking, slightly larger than average size couple. We have been to the same club on 3 different occasions, with the following outcomes:

 

First Night- it was a slow Friday night the weekend before xmas, and we were told the crowd would be MUCH smaller than usual. Since this was our first EVER time at trying the lifestyle, and visiting a club (hows that for jumping in with both feet?) we tried to take it easy. First we went to the pool room and shot some pool. We met a nice couple, but apparently we weren't meant to be that night, so we got seperated somehow. Well the night wore on, and we decided that if we couldnt find another couple, we would go upstairs and have fun by ourselves. Neddless to say my wife had her hands full with 2 guys who wandered int the room while we were playing...so far this was a success.

 

Night Two-We went back Saturday nite to the same club, being told it would probably be busier (and it was). We met a nice couple a little younger than us, and clicked so well, that we hottubbed, showered and went to a private room together near the start of the party. We then went back downstairs, only to hookup again with the same couple and go into one of the public rooms where at one time there were 8 (I think) of us in the bed. My wife disappeared for about 15mins, cuz she was getting a licking in the hall sofa on her way back from our locker. Met another couple after that and played around a little more...next thing you know it was 5:30 am and we got invited to a hotel room. Nothing happened at the hotel because everyone (except me) was so tired, but we stayed until noon the next day.

 

Third Nite-We went the evening of Christmas Day, thinking that there might be more couples without kids (like us) and that we might be able to meet anoter couple for fun...We ran into the last couple from the prior Saturday, and then ran into the couple we liked but lost track of on the first night we were there. The first couple (from Fri) we went to a private room, and had our first "full swap". We are looking forward to meeting them this again this weekend. The Couple from Saturday nite that we ended up in the hotel room with, and the couple who invited us both all ended up in the same public room for some combination soft/full swapping. All six of us fell asleep and were awoken by staff at 8AM because they were trying to close.

 

So not all experiences are bad...I guess I should say that we spent some time talking, dancing, hot tubbing, and playing pool with each couple making sure we clicked. We don't just run upstairs with anyone who asked. In fact there were a number of couples that we just didn't connect with, but were very nice.

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We are also new...had bad experiences... pulled back from the lifestyle... but seems like we are looking to try it out again to see if it is for us. So I relate to what alot of you have posted.

 

Ins8blI's post intrigued me. We also have gone to the club in Charlotte. Had great fun and great failures there. I like the place, my husband does not. It can be very unfriendly and clique-ish at times. Our biggest problem is that he and I are physically attracted to totally different styles that usually don't wind up in one couple. Any advice for that?

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I have to say - at the risk of sounding a bit negative - that this may sum up your problem...

 

Why are you looking into something that you are already convinced is outstanding? Early in the tale, you focus on your looks - and from what I read, you seem convinced that you have this aspect of your lives nailed down; actually nailed and glued with six months of working out prior to entering the lifestyle.

 

Maybe a mirror isn't where you need to look...

 

Swinging isn't about "getting laid". As much a part of the lifestyle as sex is, it is the connection with others that really seem to make or break this lifestyle for others. Oddly, it is the people who stand in front of the mirror and sigh disappointedly who seem to be making there way through the lifestyle. Not that they aren't gorgeous traffic-stoppers in their own right. It is just that isn't where they feel they can hang all of their chances.

 

I don't know...

 

To me it seems that you are bent on impressing someone - the trendy restaurants, et al. Most people we meet just want to connect with people whom they can like - not be impressed by; and not feel like they have to impress back.

 

My suggestion is to approach this as a way to meet friends - not to get laid. That hurdle is already jumped because you know what the other couple is into. Have dinner, laugh, talk and go in prepared to go home... Let things happen more naturally.

 

And don't be surprised to be rejected by "marginal" couples. Clicking is much more than skin deep.

 

Spoomonkey

 

 

I couldn't of said it better myself!!! You don't do a thing for me, and I haven't even met you in person. Yet we have been trying to get to know a little furry friend and his Mrs. for several weeks now... :hahaha:

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Yet we have been trying to get to know a little furry friend and his Mrs. for several weeks now... :hahaha:

 

We are enigmatic little chimps, aren't we ;)

 

Spoomonkey

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Our biggest problem is that he and I are physically attracted to totally different styles that usually don't wind up in one couple. Any advice for that?

 

 

When we were doing our pre-swinging research, one of the first things I ran across was a swinger who said that, if you thought normal dating was hard, it's a cakewalk compared to swing-dating. With dating, you have to be attracted to your date and she (or he) to you...that's it. With swinging, you have many more approvals involved! For instance, I have to not only find the other couple's female desirable, but I have to be okay with her husband's personality since he will be with my wife! If you do that for all four people involved, that comes up to 8 approvals that are needed....not just 2!

 

This can make things a little sticky. Luckily, nikki and i like similar styles so it is not a huge issue for us, but I can see how it could be for others.

 

Jim.

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I must ditto what Spoomonkey said. And perhaps a bit of Northindy's comment, too. I may be completely wrong as we've never even met you guys, but a dose of humility wouldn't hurt. If you spent the evening raving about your godlike sexual abilities and flexing your glutes, pecs and pipes for your company... yeah, I'd probably ditch you too. As I said, I could be wrong! It's just the initial impression I get from your post.

 

Mr. intuition and I are an average to somewhat above average looking couple. He gets hit on all the time at work; he's got a baby face that makes you think he has an innocent or corruptible nature... until you find out it's quite the opposite ;) And I've got big boobs and (so hubby tells me) exotic looking features. Stop traffic? Well maybe not, but I can definitely turn some heads in the right outfit. Okay so we're suffering from a little too much pumpkin pie over Christmas, but within a month we'll be back to swingerweight without too much pain. I think the fact that we're attractive without being totally stunning has actually helped us find success in the lifestyle. We look for couples more like ourselves than the fabulously fit Barbie & Ken lookalikes because as we've found that when people look that good, they often know it. Another woman's "Your-man-will-worship-me" attitude is a huge turn-off for me, and any disrespect toward me, subconscious or overt, is picked up on in a second by Mr. intuition. Turns him off in a big hurry, too. Another turn-off for me is a guy who looks in a mirror more often than I do. Being relaxed and just happy-to-be-here at the Lone Star Bar & Grill over a beer goes a lot further for us than high pressure evenings of fancy restaurants and champagne. Being genuine and real is what we look for first and foremost. Being easy on the eyes is definitely important, but often the people we're most attracted to are less than perfect by fashion magazine standards. It's their personality and attitude that draw us out.

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Spoomonkey must be a couple carpenders cause they always hit the nail on the head. Best of luck with the 3-some thing. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it since just about all of us are into/looking for one too. It opens up whole other jar of problems and dilemmas.

 

As for the couples swinging thing, I'd really recomend trying the club route out if you decide to try it again. Like someone said earlier, you have the opportunity to go from couple to couple quickly if things don't click. Your best bet would be to go on the night of a 'big' party (Halloween, New Years, etc...) since the club will most likely be crowded, giving you obviously more options and better odds. Most people who meet outside of clubs tend to want to meet once or twice before hooking up it seems. We've only met people inside clubs, so thats more of an observation than anything.

 

The best rule to follow, no matter what you are looking for, is NO EXPECTATIONS. Keep us updated on your quest.

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I have to say - at the risk of sounding a bit negative - that this may sum up your problem...

 

Why are you looking into something that you are already convinced is outstanding? Early in the tale, you focus on your looks - and from what I read, you seem convinced that you have this aspect of your lives nailed down; actually nailed and glued with six months of working out prior to entering the lifestyle.

 

Maybe a mirror isn't where you need to look...

 

Swinging isn't about "getting laid". As much a part of the lifestyle as sex is, it is the connection with others that really seem to make or break this lifestyle for others. Oddly, it is the people who stand in front of the mirror and sigh disappointedly who seem to be making there way through the lifestyle. Not that they aren't gorgeous traffic-stoppers in their own right. It is just that isn't where they feel they can hang all of their chances.

 

We completely agree with Spoo Monkey on this one...we are pretty good looking people.....maybe even traffick stoppers in our own right...however, we found that on our first swinging experience, looks don't mean a thing. It is more about the confidence (true inner self confidence) that you have in yourself that counts. That being said, if you are ever in CO and looking for a good time and feel truly over your outer looks, look us up! Most people in this world don't look like Brendan Frasier and Tara Banks and those in the swingers lifestyle are perfectly happy with that. Put yourselves in the mind fraim of "what if...." and have a great time swinging! We hope that these are only temporary stumbling blocks and that you have a great time from now on!

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Well, it's been close to a full year now since we went down this crazy path. Status? Still no fun. Hubby took a few months off from the whole business out of frustration, but wifey talked him into getting involved again about a month ago. Since then we've been hitting meet n greets (where we run into the same folks we had the bad experiences with a year ago- now they are fully entrenched in the clique and we kind of stand around uncomfortably while they nod and talk) and we've been hitting the sites (SLS, Swappernet, etc)- where we have yet to make an actual real-life connection with any couple beyond the computer.

 

The last time we had an actual "couple date" was close to 8 months ago. Since then we've had a ton of email that all added up to nothing.

 

Oh, except for single guys- they're falling out of the trees. Too bad we don't really care..lol.

 

We are committed to enduring the nonsense to explore this lifestyle, but frankly we are kind of beyond hope. We would appreciate any feedback from experienced folks about what we might be doing wrong or how we could have a better experience (short of moving). We are both absolutely befuddled that we both endure the solo attentions of the opposite sex every time we leave the house, but have proven ourselves the world's biggest losers at every event that involves swinging.

 

This is one frustrating mess, you guys. Here you have a couple of former "newbies" who were eager to get involved, meet people, be cool, have fun- and we are frustrated beyond any measure of belief. Swingers are definitely not the "open/friendly/cool/welcoming" people reported by common myth , at least not in the Philly area.... we've found cliquish, shallow, stand-offish, judgemental, catty people. And, hey, we do try. We are as friendly as friendly can be.. we work the room, chat, smile, and eventually we kind of stand around and talk to each other about what a drag the whole business is. We're out of ideas... :mad:

 

We'd welcome any feedback/comments/etc..

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jeez.. we missed a lot of replies during our vacation from this business- to clarify the "looks" business- and hopefully for the final time- we are not shallow! The original post talked about us not being hounds because we wanted to focus on the other stuff. In other words, we didnt' want to ask: "This whole scene has sucked for us..what's the problem?" and have people respond "Well, you're ugly." OK? We're not. We are also about the coolest, easiest going, non-judgemental, non-conceited folk you'd ever meet.

 

Seeing the flame replies to queries about our situation reinforces our stance about the unfriendly, unaccepting nature of swingers. "Mrs. Indy"- your replies not only indicated that you did not actually read the thread, but that you are incredibly eager to pounce on people without provocation. If you want to suggest that our attitude is the problem- sweetie, you might want to take a good, long look at your post.

 

Anyway, still committed to it all...

 

DD

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flirting is a bit different than fucking.

 

you might be used to attention from other people, but you are not used to getting it past the flirty stages, and into initating more than flirting.

 

i would suggest, find a couple, talk to them a lot, email and phone, and then have a meeting. maybe have a first date, just to see how you get on, then make further plans, and set the night up for some fun. be very explicit about what each of you want from the situation, flirting and insinuation isnt very clear and can lead to pretty big disappointment, or shock in some cases.

 

breaking the ice is never easy. remember, the other couple has equally as much nerves as you do. at some point, someone is going to have to say, lets get naked, and then things will progress.

 

from reading your first posts, it sounds like (at 4:30am) no one got their nerves up.

 

as for the flaming, you came on here with your own flame thrower set on high, so what do you expect? you walk in blazing and it keeps blazing. make the peace, give some people the benefit of the doubt and maybe they'll reciprocate.

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ouch.......As someone still trying to find their way into a small circle in an isolated place with a small population, I have to say that the negativity you put out in your post is not encouraging. Having said that, makes me think of the "you get more bees with honey than vinegar".......

I would have to say that at when we started to think of entering this lifestyle one of the first things that entered our minds was that it would have to be more difficult than dating.....and from all I have read that appears to be the case.

In the place we live not only is it difficult to enter the lifestyle, it can be difficult to meet anyone you are on the same page as, even in the vanilla life.....negativity is a certain turn off, even there.

You seem to have put too much into the expectation that you would be embraced with open arms and not enough into enjoying yourselves and enjoying those around you.....just my opinion though. I would say relax, enjoy each other and don't worry about the rest. It is a piece of your life not the entirety of it.

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You seem to have put too much into the expectation that you would be embraced with open arms and not enough into enjoying yourselves and enjoying those around you.....just my opinion though. I would say relax, enjoy each other and don't worry about the rest. It is a piece of your life not the entirety of it.

 

Well put islandgirl, congrats on not accepting the bait. IMHO.

 

Sweet

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Great replies all... and sorry for the negativity, we just had so many people misunderstand what we were saying all those months ago about the way we look-(and offline nasty emails about it). I'll stop being an ass :-), it's really not in my nature.

 

That said, we can't help but feel some negativity towards our experience in this lifestyle. It would really help if, sex aside, people were actually maybe cool to us- That would be great. It hasn't been our experience at all- not by a long shot. It started on "outing" one a year ago (which I think I posted in detail here..) and that kind of thing has continued. So, given all the hostility aimed at us, we put up are "asshole" defense. We'll stop.

 

Anyway, enough said, we are doing some soul searching and careful self-examining to re-think our approach to this-- some of you experienced swingers should think about starting a mentoring program for us newbies :-) It would have been great to learn the ropes a bit better before jumping in...

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Mr. Smiley and I have learned ALOT in the last year and a half we have been in the lifestyle. First: Everyone says "friendship first", that is a total untruth. Second: 80 percent of the swingers we have met are VERY childish, the very opposit of mature and open. Third: there are alot of couples out there that are in it for the wrong reasons, either the hubby or the wife gets jealous. That being said, after we get a sitter for our five kids, set aside the money to have fun for the evening, get dressed up to go out, we often times wonder why we even bothered. The best time we are having out of it all is with each other! And we can stay home, wear sweats, and do that for FREE! We are still in it, and hopeful, but I can totally relate to what several people have posted on here.

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I'm not sure if this will help or not but it has helped us quite a bit. I (the male half), am quite shy. We are both attractive and physically fit so we can relate. We have had experiences like yours and our lifestyle has produced better results due to the following:

 

- Make sure to engage everyone in conversation that is involved. Both males need to talk to each other I've found even if the other male is kind of shy too. Keep opening up and talking. Both females should do the same especially if you are looking for bi experiences which it sounds like you are. Don't flock to one half or the other.

 

- Don't leave any of the 4 behind anywhere unless it is absolutely ok to and you are sure of it. What I mean is if you are at a dance club for example, one shouldn't be left behind if you are just getting to know these people. Emotions/feelings are very high and raw whether people like to admit it or not. You want everyone to like you and feel comfortable in this highly energetic environment.

 

- One thing we stick to without a doubt is the first meeting is just a meeting. We can go dance/drink do whatever but sex is out of the question. This allows for all of us to go back to our every day environment, discuss it in depth with our significant others, and decide whether we are all comfortable meeting for a more intimate encounter next time.

 

- The next time we meet, we (us) make sure to engage again and not make anyone feel left out. We want it to be fun for all and pleasurable.

 

We are still learning and adapting but those things above have helped us tremendously. Yes we look for personality as well but we would be lying if physical attraction wasn't important to us.

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"Mrs. Indy"- your replies not only indicated that you did not actually read the thread, but that you are incredibly eager to pounce on people without provocation. If you want to suggest that our attitude is the problem- sweetie, you might want to take a good, long look at your post.

 

Anyway, still committed to it all... DD

 

Actually, I thought about not posting to your comment. But given that I am a very active, secure swinger, widely accepted in the swinging community, with a countless list of friends and playmates beconning me everyweekend; I wanted to give you some parting words before I disregard your attack forever.

 

Swinging is not for everyone.

 

If what I have read about you and from you is any indication about how you would talk in person, I think that you are lucky to have had the playtimes you have had.

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northindy.....you got it sooo right I think, I haven't yet swung, but would have to agree the attitude here was almost enough to put me off....so glad I didn't let it!!!! :kissface:

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Here's a little bit of what happened to us when we first started.

 

We started swinging about 4 years ago, and we met couples, we would start by chatting them on-line, and then when we got together, we would meet, talk for a little while, then swap and then afterwards, we wouldn't hear anything from them again, and we ended up feeling used, which almost caused us to give up the lifestyle all together.

 

After our daughter was born, We decided to give it a go again, but we were going to take a different approach, we were going to look for friends first, and then see where things go from there, cause if things don't work out as far as swinging goes, we figured, at least we would still have new friends.

 

We met a couple in the summer of 2003 and we have become great friends with them, and we swap with them on occasion, the wife of that couple goes to school with Tazzie right now, they are both going to school to become medical assistants. We found with them, that starting out developing a friendship worked better for us.

 

We have met other couples we are thinking about swinging with, but we are working on developing friendships with them.

 

 

Our advice to you just relax, and just be yourselves, don't work so hard at impressing someone.

 

Like it's been said, your going to come across rejection along the way, so keep your chins up and don't get down about it.

 

Good luck to you both and you will find people who will want to swing with you. :)

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When I first started going out to the "club" -it's more of a private dance. I was worried about the fact that I was not a perfect 10. Lets face it,I am curvy and have had a baby, so my body isn't what it used to be. I was scared that everyone was beautiful and no one would want to play with me. So I decided to approach it with no expectations what so ever. You have to start with the attitude that you are going to have fun, and if you hook up...icing on the cake.

 

Well, I learned really quick that you don't have to be a perfect 10. I like to have fun and laugh and that really draws people. I am easy going and it takes a lot to make me mad. I get told every time I go out that I am funny and attractive.( it has been a real confidence booster let me tell you). Once you get your confidence boosted and you feel attractive, other people find you attractive. I had a beautiful woman( with that perfect 10 body) grab me and drag me to the dance floor this weekend, it was hot, she and her husband were both more than wililng to play with us. facelick

 

So what it comes down to is this:

 

Go without expectations

Don't expect to play with the 'perfect people' all the time. You will be missing out on some of the most quality people there are out there. Take a chance on someone who you might not normally take a second look at. I don't mean lower your standards, but perhaps adjust them a bit

Try making some friends, that can lead to meeting some of their friends who might be the type of people you are looking for.

 

Most importantly have fun and be yourself.

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-- some of you experienced swingers should think about starting a mentoring program for us newbies :-) It would have been great to learn the ropes a bit better before jumping in...

We do have a Swinger's Mentoring program here on the board. :) The Mentors are experienced swingers that have a vast knowledge of the lifestyle. All of our Mentors have been selected by the Web Master of this site.

 

Mrs. Indy (northindycpl) is a respected Mentor for this board.

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