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km34

Swinging potentially impacting new polyamory relationship

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I started seeing a woman a few months ago, and it's come to the point where we are discussing whether we are still dating or actually in a relationship. I wouldn't hesitate to say yes, let's be "girlfriends" if she wasn't also in a relationship with a guy who I know has very stringent rules for his secondaries regarding sexual exposure. I really need to talk to her more to see how much HIS rules would affect OUR relationship. To expand...

 

He - my potential girlfriend's boyfriend -(and his wife) have a rule that they will not get involved with anyone who "swings with a new person every week". There are also rigid rules on STI testing and such. They also consider anyone that their secondaries are involved with as involved with them (they try to create a friendly atmosphere, getting everyone together, to build community and foster communication). His expectation is that my potential GF would have the same expectations of her partners. So, by default I would be expected to not swing, at least on a weekly basis. I want to get the details to see if the occasional casual sex is an acceptable risk in their pod or not.

 

Hubby and I only swing once a month or once every other month these days. We just don't have the time, energy, or resources to keep up relationships with friends, date, and swing, and since our schedules don't coincide well due to work, swinging gets the short end of the stick. However, we do make it work once in a while and enjoy it a lot (obviously, or we wouldn't even try). I don't want to enter into a relationship where someone is going to have to choose between sexual contact with me or sexual contact with her boyfriend every time I sleep with a new person. Which is his rule. Whenever someone has a new sexual partner, there is no contact (because no contact is 100% safe) until there have been 2 clean tests within a month of each other. I go out with hubby, we swap. I have to get tested (which I do regularly anyway), but in the time that it takes to get tested, get re-tested to confirm, and all that - girlfriend can sleep with either me or her boyfriend, not both (because she would be exposed to something I had which would then expose him so she can either choose to expose herself OR sleep with him, not both).

 

I don't know.. This is rambling and weird, but it's been on my mind since I've been trying to have this conversation with her and we both have other things going on (work, other dates, etc on my end - illness, dates, visitors from out of town on hers) so it just isn't going as quickly or smoothly as I'd like.

 

I just can't decide if it's worth putting her in the middle, putting myself in the position to be physically rejected (at least, that's what it will feel like even if it is a perfectly rational decision) anytime that I swing, or even just entering a situation where someone who I am not romantically or sexually involved in has the potential to affect MY sex/love life that much. The sad thing is... This is a consistent thing that comes up every time I date a woman. Men don't care if I swing. I'm dating a guy who is really interested in it and would like to go out to a club with me sometime.

 

I know I'm not willing to give up swinging. I also know I really like this woman and, if we can through all the crazy stuff in the beginning, there's real potential that we could work out long term. I just don't know anything else! lol

 

Any ideas? Ways to communicate with either potential girlfriend or potential metamour (her boyfriend)? The good thing is that I actually know him and his wife well enough that we could all get together sometime to (hopefully) figure stuff out without it being terribly awkward.

 

:eek: OK, rant over!

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km, please take my thoughts/advice with a grain of salt. Maybe more than a grain of salt, perhaps a bucket, since I've never been in a poly situation and I don't know how connected you feel toward this woman. My main question is what does your hubby also think about this since it would affect his swinging experiences with you as well. Also, what happens if you do lessen the amount of swinging with new people and you still catch an STI? Will your potential girlfriend's boyfriend tell your potential girlfriend to not see you anymore?

 

From my small view of the intricacies within the potential poly-quad+, there's obviously a differing view on what you want and what he wants. He wants to minimize risk (which is commendable) but in a way, it's also controlling and limiting what others want to do when they don't see eye-to-eye. How much are each of you willing to meet in the middle to make everything work out to be with the same woman? Would you (and your husband) be willing to swing with new people only twice a year? Would the potential girlfriend's boyfriend be willing to let you test only once instead of twice?

 

In just a normal relationship with just one person dealing with another person, when there is a major difference in how to conduct their life--say if one wants to stay monogamous (or wants to sky dive with their partner) and the other wants to be non-monogamous (or is afraid of heights)--there's going to be some discord about what will make each one happy. To me, this isn't a good fit and they shouldn't be in a relationship. With that said, what does your potential girlfriend think about all of the rules and her boyfriend imposes upon her? Does she agree with them because she holds the same view on minimizing risk or does she just go along with it, not really caring about what it could mean to her primary/secondary/etc?

 

I know you aren't willing to give up swinging but how likely is it that not only will your relationship with her becomes a long term relationship but her relationship with her boyfriend also becomes a long term thing? This is something that can affect your sex/love life for quite a long time dependent on someone that you aren't romantically linked to.

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They are poly with their rules. You and your hubby swing. It doesn't really mesh although some poly folks are more relaxed about their polyness-- they are not. I respect them for being so careful about transmittable issues, but you get tested on a regular basis too. Without discussing all the intricate rules I would say overall it is not a great match for the obvious reasons your brought up. Again, take this with a grain or two of salt. Best wishes.

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To me her boyfriend sounds a bit paranoid and controlling. I really don't think you should have to get tested every time you have a new partner if you use condoms. It sounds like it has the potential for a lot of drama down the line. Is there any way he would compromise by agreeing to backing off a bit if everyone agrees to safer sex procedures?

 

I'm sorry I don't have any good advice. Do keep us updated on how things go and thanks for sharing your situation.

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Sunbuckus, those are my exact concerns.

 

The potential GF is pretty laid back. She is of the belief that as long as regular testing is happening and condoms are being used, people are doing their due diligence. Her boyfriend (who, as I mentioned but didn't stress, is NOT her primary partner) and his wife are the ones with the big rules. I know for a fact that he and I wouldn't be compatible in a relationship, and I do need to either get together with him or have M get the specifics on what he would expect her to require of me. Now that I've gotten over my initial "I just want to whine and this to go away," bit (AKA the OP :D ), that will be my next step.

 

The potential for issues down the road worries me. I am very good at controlling whether or not I fall in love with someone, but once I let go, I fall hard. If I let myself completely let go and be with her, and then she decides she prefers him over me or that she relates to his rules more than my lifestyle - I will have to deal with not only the heartbreak of the situation, but knowing that I went in with the full knowledge that it's a distinct possibility. I just don't know that I'm that big of a risk taker!

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Now that I've gotten over my initial "I just want to whine and this to go away," bit (AKA the OP :D ), that will be my next step.

 

I knew you were just getting out your frustration. :) But you have some valid concerns.

 

The potential for issues down the road worries me. I am very good at controlling whether or not I fall in love with someone, but once I let go, I fall hard. If I let myself completely let go and be with her, and then she decides she prefers him over me or that she relates to his rules more than my lifestyle - I will have to deal with not only the heartbreak of the situation, but knowing that I went in with the full knowledge that it's a distinct possibility. I just don't know that I'm that big of a risk taker!

 

There's always a possibility that people break up and have heartache. Love and attachment with someone isn't always a guarantee. It takes two to stay in a relationship and even though you know that you have the commitment and dedication to keep a relationship together you don't know what future events will impact that relationship to make you question whether you want to stay with that other person. And even if you can weather the storms, perhaps the other person cannot and will walk away.

 

All of that aside and getting back to the rules issue...personally, it's too many hoops to jump through. I'd wait to see if the potential girlfriend stays with her boyfriend or not. If she does, then you'll know that she's more than happy to oblige by his rules. If not, then maybe it'll be better timing for the two of you to have a relationship.

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That is seriously complicated. My thought would be this... say you go and swing with someone else. then you have to get tested and retested. She chooses to have sex with you during that time. Then we start all over with the test and retest (this time on her because she had sex with you) before she can have sex with the other couple.

 

BUT, you've already been seeing her right? Isn't this already an issue? How does it change between just seeing her casually and you guys deciding to have a relationship. Maybe I'm confused.

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Sounds very complicated. How do his rules work if your husband meets a new girlfriend. You haven't slept with anyone new, but you do sleep with your husband. So does your husband need to get tested every time he sleeps with someone new as well? I am not opposed to testing as a good way to stay safe, but those are some pretty strict rules trying to be 100% safe that I dont think will hold up over a long period.

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She and I had the utterly un-sexy 2 hour long sex conversation the other day. His rules officially do not fully apply to me! She and I are going to use barriers until I get my test results (it's been a bit since I've been tested since I haven't been that slutty lately, and I requested that we either wait or use barriers since she has some pretty bad health issues that could flare up if she catches anything even if I have shown no symptoms at all).

 

M has agreed that my sex life is none of her boyfriend's business so whether or not I am actively swinging should remain irrelevant to their relationship. She has asked me not to share too many details, anyway, because she discovered she has a little bit of a jealous bone (at least in the early stages of dating someone).

 

It'll be interesting to see how this goes. I believe her when she says that as long as I am doing what I can to be safe and that regularly testing occurs, she will trust my judgement.

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His rules officially do not fully apply to me!

 

Did you get to talk to him about this as well?

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Did you get to talk to him about this as well?

 

We emailed. Scheduling has been awful with my funky work schedule.

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It is going well. Due to various things, she and I are keeping the relationship pretty casual. We see each other about 3 times a month. Some sexual contact, but not tons so the rules wouldn't make too much of a difference even if they did apply to me.

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