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Transitioning from swinging to poly to swinging or maybe just friends...

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So, I posted quite a while back about a couple that hubby and I were swinging with. She and I developed feelings, decided to explore a semi-poly arrangement, and drama/issues ensued! Well, when hubby and I moved, I figured the poly-ish stuff was over with. Boy, was I wrong! About a month and a half ago, after getting varying levels of interest from her for a few months, I sent a massive text just clearing my mind and heart of all feelings I had from her. I then told her I was done doing the weird little tango we'd been doing and it was her turn to 'fess up to what's going on in her mind and heart or to just let it go (I promise I said it more eloquently than that, though!! lol). I then got MORE interest from her, but no real information as to how she is feeling other than "she misses me."

 

I went back to visit family, and they came to visit me at my parents' house. They hadn't had sex in about 2 months, her husband was a little desperate, I was horny, so I figured what the hell... She and I fooled around, I somehow managed to get her to give him oral (she doesn't enjoy it) and then while she was fingering me, he was able to fuck her from behind - 2 orgasms for him in one night! Hurray! Silly, horny me, however, didn't think about the message that me making out and such would send her. When I left she was insisting she was going to come visit within the next year, that she misses me like crazy, etc.

 

I want to transition to a regular friendship like we had before. We used to swing together, then we were just friends, then we were swinging again, then we were poly-ish. I have no idea how to communicate to her that I really meant what I said about letting go of my stress over the situation. I told her hubby that I meant it when I said that I was in a very "I'm done putting in more effort than I get" place about it, but she refuses to have a serious conversation with me unless I force it (one of the reasons I felt I needed to get to that place).

 

Any advice/stories about transitioning relationships like this or in general?

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I think you are a kind and loving woman and it's getting in your way here. If you want to transition to a regular friendship, tell her that and then hold that line. You can't actually wangle clear communication out of someone, you've been quite verbal about what you need and want...and then you mix your messages. It would probably work better if you didn't do that again. Instead, maybe let all parts of your relationship with her go unless they fit your stated needs and requirements.

 

If you can't get what you want from her in her default mode, it's probably not going to happen, no matter how much she misses you.

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I know I can't get what I want in a poly sense, but I do enjoy our friendship and the fact that she is one of the few people who I can talk to about everything that also knows my family and can put things into context that way. I just don't quite know how to say "I don't want to fuck or have a half assed romantic connection anymore, let's just be friends" without it coming out like I'm completely uncaring (like the example) or really sad about it - I'm really neither, but I don't know how to communicate that! I'm not good at in betweens.... They stress me out. lol

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I just don't quite know how to say "I don't want to fuck or have a half assed romantic connection anymore, let's just be friends" without it coming out like I'm completely uncaring (like the example) or really sad about it - I'm really neither, but I don't know how to communicate that! I'm not good at in betweens.... They stress me out. lol

 

I doubt you could sound uncaring if you took acting lessons for a year, but that line above? It's clear, direct and says what you want. It doesn't sound as if you don't care, but it is missing a lot of the surrounding verbiage that we sometimes use in order to be kind when ending a relationship. All those words aren't actually kind, because they leave a lot of wiggle room for the other person and give them permission to be equally indeterminate.

 

You did the long, kind, gentle, honest thing and it doesn't seem to have worked, which is why I'm suggesting a more direct approach. Maybe you should just trust what you wrote and go with a version of it.

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Sent a message basically saying that I enjoyed visiting, but I felt like we should just be friends so that we didn't have to worry about the sex or possibility of deeper emotions cause issues for us in the future. I told her I value our friendship but that she should move on with the other aspects of her life.

 

She has yet to respond, but I feel much better having said it!

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