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mncurious

Wife's first time opening up our marriage. NRE, or are she/we polyamorous?

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My wife recently returned from opening up our marriage for the first time. It was with a man she met on a recent trip overseas. We talked about it and planned her return trip for months. He sent her any documents she requested and had no problem talking to me if I wanted to. We agreed to split the costs for the trip.

 

We established clear boundaries and communication expectations. They spent an entire week together and used most of the condoms my wife and I bought for the trip. Only once did the condom break but since we use script birth control, we are not concerned as he gave her proof of being std free. She's still concerned and wants to get tested before we have sex bareback again. We still haven't had sex since she returned.

 

About the experience

This was also my very White wife's first time having sex with a Black man. She's 42, her lover's 47. Let's just say she loved her first time having a Black lover. Her orgasms were beyond intense seeing his BBC slip inside of her. His, too as it was his first interracial relationship, too. He was also much more dominant and assertive during sex with my wife and was able to take her from behind and bring her to climax which is very hard to do. I'm much more chill during sex and like her to take the lead. She's okay but much prefers his style.

 

The only issue from the trip was that one time the condom came off during sex and they didn't notice until it was too late. My wife's a little nervous and is being tested asap, at least for any stds.

 

Since she returned, we haven't had time to connect sexually due to jet lag, kids, and work. She said it was a really great liberating experience overall. My wife still keeps in touch with him even though they both agreed it was mainly about sex, not a relationship. There seems to be plenty of NRE.

 

What is the reality from the group here when a married White wife not only has her first swinging experience but with a Black man for the first time, too. So many firsts!

 

Should I be concerned about anything or is this natural and normal for my wife to want him again so quickly after her first time opening up our marriage? Or is it also being with a Black man who by her own words was so amazing and incredible? Or is it just NRE with her new lover? They definitely have some emotional attachment after being together for an entire week 24/7. Lots of sex, kissing,and travel together. From what she said, their mutual attraction has little to do with race and more to do with just a visceral physical and emotional connection.

 

We agreed not to share social media messages or emails between my wife and her lover unless she wants to. We also talked about swinging once she returned but she has already talked about going back to see him in Europe next year. They still keep in touch and talk after the trip.

 

Does this sound like a poly relationship developing or just NRE from the long swinging adventure?

 

Thanks for the advice and please reply on or offline.

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Well, right now it sounds like NRE. Unless she's not willing to have other experiences (you said you two talked about swinging,) I wouldn't worry too much. However, I would make it a priority to reconnect - that's important to temper the NRE.

 

On the other hand, if after a couple of weeks she's still not reconnecting with you, she's not considering swinging, I'd say there are some problems that need to be worked out. And until they are worked out, I'd be very cautious about letting her see him again.

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Well, right now it sounds like NRE. Unless she's not willing to have other experiences (you said you two talked about swinging,) I wouldn't worry too much. However, I would make it a priority to reconnect - that's important to temper the NRE.

 

On the other hand, if after a couple of weeks she's still not reconnecting with you, she's not considering swinging, I'd say there are some problems that need to be worked out. And until they are worked out, I'd be very cautious about letting her see him again.

 

Thank you for the reply adamgunn. She's already hinted at not swinging after she came back from her trip with him. They have had a physical and emotional connection since last June when they first met but only kissed and rubbed each other a little. My wife stopped before it went too far since I didn't know and hadn't given permission to actually open up our marriage.

 

It was once she returned we discussed this and decided to open up our marriage at least once so she could go back to see him again. They kept in touch online for months and talked on the phone,too.

 

She said the physical bond was super strong and they had sex several times the first day, even with jet lag. As much as she was nervous about STDs I think she also loved fluid bonding with him now two weeks ago when the condom broke. Also the interracial aspect plays a part too as he is her first Black lover.

 

This is why I am here. I think it's both NRE and maybe more. They still keep in touch and they are already planning to see each other in 2018. Per our agreement, she had full license to explore opening up our marriage on her terms. I just wasn't expecting her to becomes so emotionally attached to her new boyfriend. seven days together 24/7 with lots of intimacy really changed my wife's mind since she never wanted to swing before her trip. We actually almost separated over it a few years back.

 

Sadly we can't reconnect for another few weeks at least due to her wanting to get tested for STDs.

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I see that you’ve made a new post on this subject, I don’t know why unless you’re trying valiantly to find somebody to reinforce your belief that you’re not being a fool. If that’s the case you’re not going to care much for the rest of my reply I’m afraid. There are so many things that I see wrong in what you’ve told us that I’m just going to go by the numbers and tell you what it sounds like to me.

 

1. You sound very insecure to me, it appears you are trying to be worldly and understanding but deep down this is bothering you. You’re looking for validation of what you know is a very bad situation.

 

2. In this post you casually mention that your wife originally met this man when she was in Europe several months ago. Then from that time until she reunited with her lover in Africa a month ago he pursued her online and by phone. You didn’t mention it, but you must have seen while this was going on how her attention focused more on him and less on you. That’s because you’ve allowed the contact that’s allowed you wife to fall in love with another man.

 

3. Regardless of the excuses that you’ve been given for her refusing to have sex with you after her return, it seems to me that the true reason for her not being intimate with you is because she’s found a man that she wants to be with. She appears to be home to tie up loose ends before returning to her lover for good. She may still have feelings for you but there seems to be another man in her life now that she truly wants to be with. If she was worried about STD’s she would have been tested on the day she returned, STD’s in this case is merely an excuse for not being sexually active with a man she no longer wants to be sexually active with.

 

4. You sound more into the racial aspect of this than she does. You see the enticing aspect of their union, while she only sees a man that rock’s her world.

 

5. You understand that it’s not normal behavior for a spouse to have hidden FB accounts for her to correspond privately with her lover. I think you’re just desperately searching for somebody to tell you that there’s nothing wrong with that, well I’m afraid you won’t hear that from me. The bottom line is that if there wasn’t anything to hide in her correspondence then they wouldn’t have been hidden from you. I’m not talking about the times that you’ve caught her talking to her lover when she blows it off with, “it’s (???) honey would you like to say hello.” I’m talking about the times you haven’t caught her corresponding with him when the conversation is more likely, “honey I can’t wait to be with you forever.”

 

To be honest I think you two should be seeking some professional help before it’s too late. You don’t need help from a swinger’s web site you need somebody to wake you up to wants going on here before you find yourself being the ex-husband to the woman you love. This isn’t swinging, this is a marriage coming apart.

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I noted on the original blog that I thought your marriage was in BIG trouble. I did not have time or perhaps, because your foolishness was so obvious, the inclination to go into a more specific response. Tahoe covered it quite well. You should follow his advice TODAY but it's probably too late.

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MnCurious, you certainly can reconnect. Penetration might be off limits, but talking, kissing, fondling is fine. Even if she might have an STD. Please, push her into putting you and your needs before the other man. Please.

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They have had a physical and emotional connection since last June when they first met

 

...and decided to open up our marriage at least once so she could go back to see him again.

 

...they are already planning to see each other in 2018.

 

...she had full license to explore opening up our marriage on her terms.

 

I just wasn't expecting her to becomes so emotionally attached to her new boyfriend.

 

We actually almost separated over it a few years back.

 

All of these are HUGE :redflag:

 

It sounds like SHE decided to open up your marriage so she could have this affair...I don't hear where you really had any option in the matter and that you are perusing an open marriage yourself. You 'almost separated over it a few years back'...what is 'it'. Is it this guy? In which case this has been going on longer than you have implied.

 

The STD excuse is nothing more than an excuse to not reconnect with you. As stated, if she was really concerned about it, she would have already been tested.

 

I would recommend looking up 'cuckold' and 'bull' and doing some reading. It sounds like this is what she is involved with: a strong bull calling the shots (including not having sex with you) and she is obeying his orders. Could be wrong, but even if I am, what she is doing isn't treating you with respect or love.

 

I think everything THO has said is right on. This NEEDS TO STOP NOW (although it sounds like it may already be too late and trying to get her to stop will just be giving her an excuse to leave). This is not looking like it is going to end will. It most definitely NOT SWINGING. Good luck and let us know how things continue.

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Thank you. We'll try it tonight. The results came back negative on the first test but the doctor said to come back in a few months for another test. Might still use condoms but I will let my wife do what feels comfortable to her. Happy Holidays.

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All of these are HUGE :redflag:

 

It sounds like SHE decided to open up your marriage so she could have this affair...I don't hear where you really had any option in the matter and that you are perusing an open marriage yourself. You 'almost separated over it a few years back'...what is 'it'. Is it this guy? In which case this has been going on longer than you have implied.

 

The STD excuse is nothing more than an excuse to not reconnect with you. As stated, if she was really concerned about it, she would have already been tested.

 

I would recommend looking up 'cuckold' and 'bull' and doing some reading. It sounds like this is what she is involved with: a strong bull calling the shots (including not having sex with you) and she is obeying his orders. Could be wrong, but even if I am, what she is doing isn't treating you with respect or love.

 

I think everything THO has said is right on. This NEEDS TO STOP NOW (although it sounds like it may already be too late and trying to get her to stop will just be giving her an excuse to leave). This is not looking like it is going to end will. It most definitely NOT SWINGING. Good luck and let us know how things continue.

 

We both went into this with our eyes open about what could happen from a terrible experience to pregnancy to STD to a toe curling experience to a strong emotional bond. If all of the condoms would have worked, we would already have reconnected and had fantastic sex. This is only an issue due to my wife's concern, now unfounded, about an STD. We plan to connect tonight or next week for sure.

 

It will still be an open marriage (I don't have any desire to swing now) but only for her. She hasn't really given off any cuckold or bull vibes from what I can tell right now. Well, except we did talk about me going down on her after her boyfriend finished but that's it. She doesn't want to stop as of now except she wants to get in a little better shape for the next experience. Now her test came back negative, her first open marriage experience was all positive and as good as she hoped it would be per her words. I don't think she will want to stop now. I think she still has serious NRE with her new boyfriend and they are still talking at least by email and IM.

 

Have a happy holiday season. If anything changes we will post again. Thanks for your concern.

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:trainwreck:

 

Just my feelings, but I just don't see this ending well...wish you the best anyways.

 

Thank you. Actually, we are doing okay and communicating well. My wife does want to connect sexually once I return from my trip out of town. We plan to talk more about her experience in Africa.

 

What we have discovered is that we are not considered swingers by most everyone here. After looking into it further, you all are right. We are more hotwife, open marriage, and we will see about any poly triads. It's why we will no longer be posting outside of the this forum and the swinging and open marriage forum. You and many others have great knowledge and advice on swinging and we will try to use some of the suggestions where they make sense. But they are just that, swinging advice, not hotwife or open marriage experiences so what works for swingers may not be applicable to us.

 

 

Thank you for all of your support GoldCoCouple and others but we are no longer going to be looking at any other threads or even posting our first experience. They just don't apply to us and we don't want to be disrespectful to the serious committed swingers like yourselves on here with our non-swinger stories or requests for help.

 

Have a great 2018 and don't worry about us, we'll be fine.

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What we have discovered is that we are not considered swingers by most everyone here.

 

LOl That's because your not any thing but a door mat - or a good story teller.

If you think loving partners treat each other this way in any kind of context with out it being a role play kinda thing is in my view wrong.

 

and the part that get me is that you know and let it happen - but then say "oh should i stop it" lol

 

I think you are a cuck and you want it to be this way and this is all crap stories to make you get off = BUT if your not and all this is true = then you soon will be lol

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      The second was that she’d get closer, I’d watch her whisper in his ear. I knew the question, “Where’s your wife?” Some of them would shake their heads, they were attending as one of the few single men the club allowed, and when they received Mary’s response, they’d move away - that’s not what we were looking for at the moment.
       
      But the man might indicate where his wife was dancing a few feet away. When this kind of thing happened, Mary would glance to me and give our special signal - she’d put one hand on the back of her head, one on her stomach. When I got the cue, I’d come out, we’d dance as a foursome.
       
      As I approached, a man grasped the elbow of a tall attractive lady who was more modestly dressed, at least for the club. There was no conversation on the dance floor, the heavy volume of music and the thumping of the bass wouldn’t allow for speech. But I could tell the woman was interested in me, the four of us paired off and I often found myself facing this vixen. It was obvious they were as interested in us as I was in them, I could tell by the way Mary was rubbing against the man that she felt the same.
       
      After a couple of songs, Mary led the way off the floor, holding his hand, leading us off into a corner away from the speakers. As we sat, the man said, “I’m Ed, this is my wife, Marilyn.”
       
      Marilyn and I softly shook hands, I believe she raised the hem of her skirt to give me a view of her upper thighs. Ed had no problem seeing Mary’s legs, or where they met - she was sitting so that the babydoll was gathered to her side, leaning forward so her globes were exposed to his view.
       
      “Do you come here often?” Ed asked.
       
      “Every few weeks,” I responded, “you?”
       
      “This is our first time here.” Mary gave him a look that asked for further info. “We’re just starting this,” he admitted.
       
      Marilyn picked it up. “We’ve only had one time with a couple of friends. We liked it, heard about this place, decided to see if we could get into more trouble.”
       
      “Trouble’s our middle name,” I joked.
       
      Our conversation continued, where do you live, what movies have you seen lately, etc. It was a screen, of course, we were all calculating if the four of us would be pleasurable bedmates. I paid my attention to Marilyn, my wife had told me numerous times not to worry about her, she can take care of herself. My hand found Marilyn’s knee, she smiled at me, encouraged me to reach a tad higher. We bent towards each other, our mouths met.
       
      Marilyn opened her lips to me, the kiss was ardent, her mouth moist. She licked at my upper lip, her hand fondled the back of my neck. Our tongues clashed, promising cupidity, mimicking what I presumed our bodies might be doing in a few scant moments.
       
      We broke for a moment, Marilyn invited, “Would you guys want to go to one of the rooms?”
       
      I, of course, was all for it, but then I heard Mary. “Uh, not right now. But thanks.”
       
      We’ve always had the guideline that if one person doesn’t want to do something, she speaks for both of us. Regretfully, I pecked at Marilyn’s lips a last time, we stood, went separate ways.
       
      “You’re not upset, are you?” Mary asked me.
       
      “Of course not, not at all. You’re not in the mood?”
       
      “Oh, I’m in the mood all right, just not with Ed.”
       
      “Something wrong with him?” I asked.
       
      “I tried to get him interested,” Mary revealed, “but his kiss was a little cold, indifferent. I put my hand on his leg, he was too busy watching you and Marilyn, he never responded. My guess is that if we went into a room, he’d be watching you two, I’m not even sure he’d get hard for me.” It was a reasonable thought, it had happened to us a couple times before. “Hope you don’t mind, bet she’d have been a firecracker.”
       
      “Maybe. But you’re a firecracker too.”
       
      We headed back to the dance floor, in search of another couple.
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