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People seem to read many different meanings for the word "polyamory".

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From a swingers' hook-up Web site, we receive this message from a couple saying that they seek a polyamorous relationship and ask, would we be interested. This makes me wonder how many different meanings do people carry around in their heads. I am fairly certain that it is not a goal but rather something that might develop; something four people might fall into without knowing even that it is happening until they wake up one day to a realization that it has become a fact. Analogous to two people "falling in love" except more than two people are involved.

 

Am I correct?

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Yes, I think there are some swinger couples that understand and use "polyamory" in the way of the possibility or looking to fall in love with others but I also think there are those that don't understand the word and use it to mean something else.

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I think I you'd have to ask them what they meant.

 

They could mean polyamory in the sense of finding a couple to fall in love with and form a long term relationship. Just as the way some people go out looking to find a husband or wife. Do I think that is practical? No. Just as I don't think it's practical to message someone on OKC with "Hey, I'm looking for a spouse, interested?" But people are not always rational.

 

I could very easily see a couple having "developing a poly relationship with another couple" as being their ultimate long term goal. But that strikes me as different than seeking that from the get-go.

 

Ultimately (if their message engenders more interest than just 'weird' on the way to the trash) you'll just have to ask. ;)

 

D

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From a swingers' hook-up Web site, we receive this message from a couple saying that they seek a polyamorous relationship and ask, would we be interested. This makes me wonder how many different meanings do people carry around in their heads. I am fairly certain that it is not a goal but rather something that might develop; something four people might fall into without knowing even that it is happening until they wake up one day to a realization that it has become a fact. Analogous to two people "falling in love" except more than two people are involved.

 

Am I correct?

 

For some people a polyamorous relationship might be a goal. Just as an individual might say they are dating with the goal of forming a long term, emotional relationship rather than just "fooling around," a couple might date another couple with the goal of forming a long term, emotional relationship rather than just casually swinging.

 

On the other hand, early in our exploration of non-monogamy my wife and I briefly dated a couple who used the word polyamory to describe what we have ultimately come to think of as "swinging with friends." I think the lack of a common understanding of the meaning of the word, and thus the intent of the relationship, is a big part of what caused that particular connection to fail,

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My assumption would be that they are looking for the long term friends variety of swinging, not true poly where there is a love aspect to the relationship. The reason I don't think it's the latter is like a_d_xxx said, it would be just really weird to message someone out of the blue with a "hey, want to get married?" But, we all know what making assumptions will do to you, so asking is the only way to know for sure.

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Some do have a goal when they enter this lifestyle, and I suppose others are simply open to whatever might come their way. Both poly and swinging seem to exist because some are monogamous and others, simply put, aren't. For me, polyamory is more the act of practicing emotional non-monogamy. The basis for swinging is physical non-monogamy, but emotions can come into play as well, people being what they are (human).

 

Just to add to the confusion, one or both partners may be poly and feelings of love might only flow between certain members of the group. So, couple A might have one member who is polyamorous, and both members of couple B could be as well (or any variation on the theme). So, there are friends and lovers mixed in the group. It could never be boring! :)

 

As cplnuswing said, asking is the best way to find out. This whole game is built on communication (for me, at least).

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