Jump to content
sunbuckus

The question: Am I lovable?

Recommended Posts

I had this thought cross my mind this past week...one of the reasons why I was interested in swinging was because I wanted to know if other males would be remotely attracted to me. I know it sounds superficial but please consider the following as to why I was doubting my physical attractiveness: Mr. Sun and I began our relationship when I was in high school; we met through the internet (before it was popular to do so); I was obese when we met and up until after our 1st child; I never once was "hit on" or asked out on a date. I viewed myself as an ugly duckling and often felt that Mr. Sun had "settled" for me and could do much better.

 

For those of you who have seen my posts for awhile now, know that I've been clear about my interest in poly, even before we had our first swinging experience. Logically, I knew that it could happen and I wanted to know upfront if it was a boundary for Mr. Sun. I also knew myself somewhat well enough that I tend to feel a lot toward others very quickly, especially if I feel a connection with them. I knew that there was a high possibility of developing feelings for someone.

 

Then I had a bit of an "epiphany". Are my doubts of my physical attractiveness and my interest in swinging analogous to my doubts of my "lovableness" and poly? After all, I've never been in a relationship with anyone other than Mr. Sun. I've never had anyone in a romantic context express their feelings for me outside of Mr. Sun. Would someone else other than Mr. Sun be able to love me knowing all of my faults, bad habits, and idiosyncrasies?

 

Just as the question of "Am I attractive" not the only reason for my interest in swinging, my question of "Am I lovable?" is not the only reason why I am interested in poly but I wonder...do others who have interest or engage in poly have a similar thought when it comes to poly?

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Guest Ready2dewit

Maybe validation IS part of what brings a lot of people into the lifestyle. I've known some ladies who entered the lifestyle as singles after being married and they have kind of blossomed as a lot more male attention was focused on them then they got from their previous marriage. Deep down we all want to be desired, that's why it feel so good when things click and we post to the "Situational Help" forum if we get rejected or think we screwed up sometimes.

 

Come to think of it, a lot of the questions asked on these boards does seem to fall along the lines of "Am I normal for feeling this way?" or "was it something I did?"

 

Certainly Mr. Sun makes you feel desirable and lovable, and I'm sure a lot of your other partners do too. I think the thoughts of comparison to others, wondering if you are enough, etc. are normal for most people..it is when you feel you have to be attractive to EVERYBODY and feel bad when people don't pay attention to you that people start to develop issues.

Share this post


Link to post

That's a very interesting thought, Sunbuckus, and I admire your forthrightness about it. So swinging answers your questions about your physical desirability, and poly would answer your questions about the "you" on the inside being worthy of love.

 

My first reaction to reading the title was to just give you a big hug! LOL, of course you're lovable! And we all suck. We're all awkward and un-funny and annoying as fuck. And what's worse, we can all be mean, selfish, and callous. Present company included. Now are we proud of these parts of ourselves? If you answered no, then you're lovable. I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't engage in poly relationships to experience the truth of this for yourself, but I thought I'd just save you the suspense. :)

 

It's funny actually, I'm not really afraid of developing feelings for someone else because I tend to be so naturally detached. Not that I don't love people; I do. I just love everyone equally because they're all human! My husband is the only person who ever really put my heart through the wringer. No one - blood relative or otherwise - has ever been able to do that to me to the point where it made permanent changes to my personality. I don't have any interest in developing multiple long-term relationships. If something came along with the same potency of the relationship I have now, then okay. I wouldn't have much choice in the matter anyway.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
My first reaction to reading the title was to just give you a big hug!

 

And I'll be second in line to give you a hug! I too need a lot of validation. I need constant attention, someone to tell me I am pretty all the time...all the things that Mr. A sucks at. Mr. A always tell me that this is a manifestation of my own insecurity and that I need to love myself and I would never be happy if my happiness depends on affirmations from others. It's very cliche. Now Mr. A is way better at it than me. He doesn't need compliments and he can care less what others think. Perhaps it's a girl thing. If you figure out how to do that, please show me how.

 

But I think Mr. A is right up to a point. Unlike swinging, poly involves long-term emotional relationships, but how many is enough to prove to yourself you are lovable? 2 relationships? 3 relationships? And what if it doesn't work out? Will it reaffirm your thought that only Mr. Sun finds you lovable and even then he might have settled? Although I have some interest in poly, this is not a reason for it. I think, at least for me, different forms of swinging provide enough attention that I crave.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

Third in line for a hug!

 

Whether I feel an emotional attachment to a person has almost nothing to do with their physical appearance (presuming they care for themselves appropriately; green teeth just isn't my thing lol), and everything to do with their heart, soul and mind. Text communications are horribly limited in their ability to show these qualities of a person. However, in the time since you began posting here you've expressed enough, shown enough, shared enough for me to form an opinion on whether you are lovable. This is an easy answer, and if you were able to step out of your shoes and view yourself (excuse the term, given the context) dispassionately I think you would see this as well. Yes, you are lovable, and very much so.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post

The one positive thing out of all our good and bad experiences was that I proved to my wife that other men WANTED to have sex with her. Her self esteem improved. She became more self confident.

Share this post


Link to post

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Similar Content

    • By couplers
      Hi this is Petra, member of a three-woman, two-guy closed poly family. I am a long-time member of the Swingersboard, so if you want more background, you can look at previous posts. We are all now in our thirties and have found that while it used to be that the two guys could adequately take care of us three women, that is shifting. The guys have slacked off a little, while the women's desire for sex has increased. While it helps that we girls are bisexual and can help each other, we also seem to need (or at least want) more frequent sex with the guys. Penis-in-vagina intercourse is what we girls want, and the three of us women cum relatively easily, so a quick screw is satisfying.
       
      Anyone else facing a similar situation? The way we have primarily addressed this is by making one of our guys service two girls, her cumming while he holds back, then taking care of the second. Any thoughts?
    • By JW6145
      I’ve been lurking a while and read a ton here the boards. Now I’ve gotten myself into a situation that is not talked about very much on here. I’ve fallen in love with a playmate. I really didn’t mean for it to happen, and from what she tells me she didn’t mean for it to happen either. Let me start by saying I’ve been completely open and 100% honest with my wife, and my playmate Becca tells me that she has been mostly open with her husband. We’ll get to that in a bit.
       
      Becca and I met at a club, just a few months ago. From the first I thought she was attractive, I mean let’s face it, we’re here to fuck attractive people, right? My wife, Angie, and I went to the club that night to have some fun. We’re experienced swingers-we don’t play alot, swinging does not rule our lives- but we’ve had our share of fun. The night I met Becca was no different; we hoped to meet some fun people, have some good to great sex, and maybe make some friends we could hang out with on a regular basis.
       
      Becca and I both realized pretty quickly that there is a strong physical attraction between the two of us. The sex is effortless and I’ve never fit together with anyone better. After that first night of being together, my wife Angie and Becca’s husband Rob exchanged numbers. Becca asked for my number but I declined, telling her she could just text Angie if she wanted. I don’t normally like to have communication with the women I play with outside of swinging situations. I was not able to get Becca out of my head for the next several days- which is unusual for me. I threw caution to the wind sent her my number via SLS. She texted me a few hours later. Over the next several days we exchanged texts and even spoke on the phone a few times. All with Angie’s knowledge.
       
      We all four got together again a few weeks later-and it was even better than the first time. It was that night that I recognized that I had developed emotional feelings for Becca, and I was pretty sure that she had developed similar feelings for me.
       
      A few days after we were all together the second time I told my wife about my feelings for Becca. I told her I didn’t know if I was getting our sexual chemistry mixed up with emotion but I thought that could be the case. To my surprise Angie did not freak out. She told me she suspected something was up-given the amount of communication between Becca and I. I took a few weeks to sort out my feelings and spent many more hours talking to both Angie and Becca. I realized that I was probably in love with Becca. And I told them both so. Becca told me she feels the same way. This is not the “oh, I’ve just fucked someone new, I hope they like me best” kind of feeling. We’ve both been with other people since we met and it has not cooled our emotions. This is raw, real and deep.
       
      When I told Angie all of this she gave me license to pursue a relationship with Becca and follow it wherever it may lead. I did not ask for this, Angie offered it to me. Angie is secure about our commitment to each other-I am not leaving my wife and Becca and Angie both know that. Becca also has no intention of leaving her husband.
       
      Becca has talked with her husband Rob about us and the feelings we’ve developed for each other. What she has not told him is that she thinks loves me, she does not know how he would react to that (here is the mostly open part that I alluded to in the first paragraph). She has told him our feelings are deep but has not gone into how much we care for each other. Rob is completely comfortable with texts and calls throughout the day, but not with Becca and I meeting without him and Angie there-even for lunch or dinner. I completely understand and respect this. I don’t like it, but I respect it. I suspect if the shoe were on the other foot I would feel the same way. I really genuinely like Rob by the way, he treats both Becca and Angie really well-and he and Angie have really great sex together. Angie has told Rob that it’s just sex between the two of them and Rob feels the same way. They have no other feelings for each other past that.
       
      Becca and I text every day and talk several times a week; I know about her life and children, and she knows about mine. We have similar interests and lives outside of swinging, we are in similar businesses. We have become emotional rocks for each other. I get emotional needs met from her that I do not get from Angie. Again, I have been upfront with Angie about all this and she is fine with it.
       
      So here are my big questions: Do these things really ever work, or are we on the express train to Dramaville?
       
      Is it possible to keep something like this going long term?
       
      How do we navigate the fact that Rob is not comfortable with Becca and I meeting without him around (again, we will not be going against his wishes on this one) and knowing that he and Angie will want to have more variety in their swinging soon, which will leave less opportunity for Becca and I to be together?
       
      Any thoughts from the wise sages on here are welcome. I’m a big boy-if I’ve being naïve about anything please tell me. I can take it.
    • By Bluespruce1
      We have been playing with a couple for about five years on and off. We see them at our club, at some resorts and at local house parties. Wherever we are, she always seeks out my husband. We have all been together many times and I enjoy her husband very much, but for my husband and I, it’s literally just sex.
       
      She is very different with my husband lately than with her other partners. I believe she has fallen for him. When I see them together, she is very passionate and attentive to him in ways that I don’t see when she’s with other men. My husband rolls with it and is always a pleaser.
       
      We don’t want to make things uncomfortable or lose their friendship, but we are getting uncomfortable with the notion that she may be interested in a deeper relationship than we have experienced with other partners.
       
      Should we just go with it? I’m not sure I can handle sharing him that way and I don’t think he’s interested in that type of relationship either. Thoughts about when the sex leads to something more?
    • By Bluespruce1
      So we took in a very good friend about six weeks ago following a very ugly split with her ex. We have know both of them for about ten years and started playing together about three years ago. I actually have known her much longer and before we started hanging out as couples.
       
      Anyway, things have evolved to a point where we are sharing our bed 4-5 nights per week. We are playing together and separately. For example, in the morning it’s not unusual for me to come out of the shower and find her and my husband snuggling, touching and even fucking. I actually love seeing them together and have no feelings of jealousy. She and I are doing the same and actually took the day off Wednesday and simply spent the day in bed alone while he was at work. It’s not all about sex, but it’s clear that she really loves him and I think he feels the same about her. I know that I care deeply for her and may actually be in love as well.
       
      We prepare meals together, hang out in the evenings together, play together and still swing separately, but it is definitely decreasing. Everything feels very natural and relaxed and we are all content - have we found ourselves slipping into a true polyamorous relationship? I never really thought about it and we were talking about it last night.
       
      Thoughts? Warnings? This is uncharted territory.
    • By Fla-swing99
      This is the wife half asking this question. Am I correct in the definition of a poly in the fact that it means you believe you can love more than one person at the same time?
       
      If so, I am a little confused on how that can be. I guess I always felt that if you are truly in love your heart and soul is to that one person. How can you love more than one person at once and still feel that it is really love to both or either person?
       
      Please don’t take my question as a negative one, I am just very curious and would love to learn about how it works. I have only recently learned or heard about the lifestyle of polyamores, so I am intrigued and curious to learn a bit more on it. Also how then do you feel that you have met your soulmate, or do you believe there is no such thing or even possibly more than one soulmate for you?
       
      Thank you for any replies that may help me to understand this better.
×
×
  • Create New...