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Lionheart72

Swinger wanting something more than just sex

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There we were, my wife and I, this weekend at our local club, in the middle of casual NSA sex with two guys and a lady and the thought slams into my head: I want more. Not more sex, the sex was fine as casual sex goes, but more... more than just bodies rubbing together. I want a connection, shared experience, friendship, a common ground beyond insert tab A into slot B.

 

I haven't reached the point of being about to articulate more than that, but this seemed like a good place to start exploring the notion.

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I'm so glad you posted this. Sometimes I get this feeling for myself as well so you aren't alone.

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So do I.... I have my wife.. but a real friendship outside the bedroom with a couple is nice. That would be a intersting path to follow. I dont think I would want a paly relationship. But something with more freindship.. and of course more sex.

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Straight mechanical sex is not satisfying for me. I enjoy some level of emotional connection, especially after just laying there talking, caressing. I do enjoy that with most all of my regular playmates so not lacking..just try to avoid a lesser encounter. We are also close friends we many of our l/s friends (and not all we even have sex with). You can talk about most anything.

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I understand that you want a connection with your swing partners. I think that is easier to achieve if there is no sex involved. Get to know your partners more on a friends level and leave the sex out of the pic for atleast 6 months or longer.

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We on the other hand have gone from swinger friends to mechanical sex. It seems that maintaining a swinger long term friendship is asking for drama sooner or later. Wanting more is fine, we do too, but it might not be for the best. I'll explain more when I'm not phone posting.

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There we were, my wife and I, this weekend at our local club, in the middle of casual NSA sex with two guys and a lady and the thought slams into my head: I want more. Not more sex, the sex was fine as casual sex goes, but more... more than just bodies rubbing together. I want a connection, shared experience, friendship, a common ground beyond insert tab A into slot B.

 

I haven't reached the point of being about to articulate more than that, but this seemed like a good place to start exploring the notion.

 

When they stumbled into our lives, I didn't know that was my problem, but I liked it after I found it through blind dumb luck.

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I understand that you want a connection with your swing partners. I think that is easier to achieve if there is no sex involved. Get to know your partners more on a friends level and leave the sex out of the pic for atleast 6 months or longer.

 

After a 6 month effort, what if the sex is awful? Will you still be friends after that? I'm sorry but this is almost comically unrealistic.

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This issue is one of a handful of never-ending swinging debates that has no real answer. It really just comes down to personal preference, and how each person defines "friend". To some, friend means you at least spent a few minutes in conversation before the clothes came off, and to others, friends mean you have shared more of the aspects of your life outside of swinging. There's a wide range in what it takes to call someone a friend, and even then, there are different categories of friends.

 

Regarding the OP's question, one suggestion might be to change your swinging style a little bit. Instead of going the club route, maybe focus more on finding partners online. It's a more drawn out process, and probably will result in playing less, but both of those may help get you what you are after since there are by necessity more steps to the dance before arriving at the end result.

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Sex is fun and I like it, but given a choice between casual sex with strangers or sex with those for whom we have some feelings, I'll always take the latter. I feel like I've said this at least a hundred times, but M. tends toward the poly and although he's quite slutty, he has a strong preference for a more intimate connection. I don't have that desire, but I definitely find warmth and friendship more intriguing than friction without those things.

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After having a 8 year swinger friends style relationship blow up in our faces, I realized that while such close friends are nice, they are of tertiary importance to our lives and come after everything else. I personally don't need a connection, nor does my wife. We have to LIKE the other people, but our souls don't touch in any metaphysical way.

 

Maybe we find friends like that again, but there will always be a wall up between us. We really don't need anything besides each other, nor is there a desire. Occasional sport fucking is fine with us.

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@Ar1547, Have you ever had a friend that wanted to be more than just friends but you liked them like a brother or sister? You just don't want to cross that line because you know things will change between you. That is how I view a swing partner that want sex and a friendship. If we are friends, that is all we will be. If there is sex involved, we will see each other at a party when our schedules allow it. Trying to make time for your family, your spouse, job and life is already a lot in itself. Then adding a swing partner or partners in the mix is very time consuming. Especially if you do not have the extra time to spare. Call me a comic, but needing more than sex from your swing partner is more of a poly relationship in my opinion.

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After having a 8 year swinger friends style relationship blow up in our faces, I realized that while such close friends are nice, they are of tertiary importance to our lives and come after everything else. I personally don't need a connection, nor does my wife. We have to LIKE the other people, but our souls don't touch in any metaphysical way.

 

Maybe we find friends like that again, but there will always be a wall up between us. We really don't need anything besides each other, nor is there a desire. Occasional sport fucking is fine with us.

 

I wonder if the frequency in terms of going out to swing plays a part of desiring more than just mechanical sex. If it's a once in a blue moon sort of thing, then mechanical sex with someone new can be fun. But if you go out and have sex with new people every week I can see it as getting pretty tiresome.

 

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear about your LT swinger friends and I can understand how you feel about any future emotional ties to swing partners but it almost sounds like how a scorned single woman sounds when she comes out of a long term relationship that ended very, very badly. She swears off men or falling in love with them and only wants to use them. *shrugs* That's just how it sounds to me and you are free to feel that way. After all, it's not like you're single and alone...you still have your wife to annoy. ;)

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I wonder if the frequency in terms of going out to swing plays a part of desiring more than just mechanical sex. If it's a once in a blue moon sort of thing, then mechanical sex with someone new can be fun. But if you go out and have sex with new people every week I can see it as getting pretty tiresome.

 

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear about your LT swinger friends and I can understand how you feel about any future emotional ties to swing partners but it almost sounds like how a scorned single woman sounds when she comes out of a long term relationship that ended very, very badly. She swears off men or falling in love with them and only wants to use them. *shrugs* That's just how it sounds to me and you are free to feel that way. After all, it's not like you're single and alone...you still have your wife to annoy. ;)

 

As to the first part I had the same thought, we get out to swing about every other month tops, and while we go into hyperactive mode for our cruises, we haven't gone hog wild at home for many years. When we did we realized we didn't want it that frequently.

 

As to the second I understand how it could read like this but it's not that we were hurt, we found the drama almost comical. The people hurt directly were not us but another couple and our former friends. From what I've heard there is still drama to be had there and it got so bad it became the talk of their neighborhood. I feel sorry for people involved. What it reaffirmed though is that we don't need anything more from swinging, we are happy to have good acquaintances who we have sex with from time to time. There was a time when I thought we could even go the poly route with some couple if that presented itself, now it would just seem a needless complication.

 

Now maybe someday the PERFECT couple will appear and we will be BFFs forever, but the question was wanting more out of swinging and we don't want that, if it happens hey great, but we are still a couple first, and quite happy if our swinging doesn't always include last names.

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I wonder if the frequency in terms of going out to swing plays a part of desiring more than just mechanical sex. If it's a once in a blue moon sort of thing, then mechanical sex with someone new can be fun. But if you go out and have sex with new people every week I can see it as getting pretty tiresome.

 

Not sure. In our case, we do go out once in a blue moon... or once in a moon at least (we tend to go about once a month). For me this has been a slowly building thing. I've been increasingly dissatisfied with just going out and having sex for months now. I've declared a few "breaks" over the last year or so, only to eventually decide I wanted to go back to the club... mostly because I keep seeing folks I know posting about how much fun they had "last weekend" at the club. So we go and maybe hook up and I've gotten a little more disillusioned every time.

 

It's odd because on the one hand, I've been all for NSA sex and not needing or wanting anything more out of my swinging experience. Now, I want more.

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I used to golf a lot, now it's been years. Every activity has a lifespan of sorts. Maybe what you are looking for isn't something more, but something different.

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Regarding the OP's question, one suggestion might be to change your swinging style a little bit. Instead of going the club route, maybe focus more on finding partners online. It's a more drawn out process, and probably will result in playing less, but both of those may help get you what you are after since there are by necessity more steps to the dance before arriving at the end result.

 

I've had no luck with the online route. First to really work it seems to require a substantial financial investment with little to show for it, which in these economic times simply isn't viable. Second, getting to know someone online isn't something I seem to have the knack for. That said, I really have no idea how to meet people IRL... at my age just finding someone to make friends with seems a herculean task. I fee like finding "friends with benefits" would require nothing less than divine intervention.

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I've had no luck with the online route. First to really work it seems to require a substantial financial investment with little to show for it, which in these economic times simply isn't viable. Second, getting to know someone online isn't something I seem to have the knack for. That said, I really have no idea how to meet people IRL... at my age just finding someone to make friends with seems a herculean task. I fee like finding "friends with benefits" would require nothing less than divine intervention.

 

The usual question when one sees that many "I's" in a post is to ask what the we wants, as in your wife as well as you.

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I wonder if the frequency in terms of going out to swing plays a part of desiring more than just mechanical sex. If it's a once in a blue moon sort of thing, then mechanical sex with someone new can be fun. But if you go out and have sex with new people every week I can see it as getting pretty tiresome.

 

Not sure. In our case, we do go out once in a blue moon... or once in a moon at least (we tend to go about once a month). For me this has been a slowly building thing. I've been increasingly dissatisfied with just going out and having sex for months now. I've declared a few "breaks" over the last year or so, only to eventually decide I wanted to go back to the club... mostly because I keep seeing folks I know posting about how much fun they had "last weekend" at the club. So we go and maybe hook up and I've gotten a little more disillusioned every time.

 

It's odd because on the one hand, I've been all for NSA sex and not needing or wanting anything more out of my swinging experience. Now, I want more.

 

"After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing after all as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true."

 

Mr. Spock, Star Trek, Season 2 Episode 1, Amok Time

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There we were, my wife and I, this weekend at our local club, in the middle of casual NSA sex with two guys and a lady and the thought slams into my head: I want more. Not more sex, the sex was fine as casual sex goes, but more... more than just bodies rubbing together. I want a connection, shared experience, friendship, a common ground beyond insert tab A into slot B.

 

I haven't reached the point of being about to articulate more than that, but this seemed like a good place to start exploring the notion.

 

We've been this way since day 1, the wife especially. As a guy I can live with less attachment but she needs to feel a connection. It makes it awkward in the beginning with someone strange.

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I feel like finding "friends with benefits" would require nothing less than divine intervention.

 

I really shouldn't knock divine intervention... I ought to know better.

 

I started this thread almost eight months ago, with a vague feeling for dissatisfaction. Now I find myself trying to figure out the boundaries, guidelines and what-have-you for this whole "friends-with-benefits" thing.

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I really shouldn't knock divine intervention... I ought to know better.

 

I started this thread almost eight months ago, with a vague feeling for dissatisfaction. Now I find myself trying to figure out the boundaries, guidelines and what-have-you for this whole "friends-with-benefits" thing.

 

So, hard to sort out, huh? Care to share some thought processes?

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So, hard to sort out, huh? Care to share some thought processes?

 

So far I'm still working on the "wow" phase. I have done a little googling and pretty much came up with the same set of advice we tend to give new swingers... communication, respect, openness and honesty.

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My FWB relationships are treated the same as my vanilla friendships; as friendships. The fact that I choose to express the closeness of some of my friendships with sex does not change the fact that they are still friendships. I guess it works for me as I have several very long term FWB friendships. As for FWB versus casual sex, I think there is a place for both. I cherish my long term FWB relationships and adore the spiciness of a casual encounter.

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I just want to thank Lionheart72 for starting this post. I've wondered if I was the only one feeling that way.

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We're not young and have had quite a bit of experience with sexual play. So there is plenty of casual sex in our past. It simply lacks the excitement of sex with connection. What is exciting is real conversation, real connection that leads to really hot sex. We've been fortunate to find a few great connections in our play. Living in the north of Vermont doesn't offer a large population to choose from and means that serious distances are often involved. Those special friendships can often be challenged by those serious distances.

 

There will always be casual sex since it takes time to develop the sort of connection we prefer. In the process only a few will reach it. Thus there is more casual sex in our play than we'd prefer rather than not enough. So we will always treasure the closeness of the few rather than the casual of getting there.

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We had a fabulous third for 8 months; the relationship between us and his gf was to the point where it was just us and we were bare backing it. We were all in absolute heaven; not only the sex, but because we were friends too. To the point of just hanging out at the park with the kids, attending sporting events together, etc.

 

Then he came out and admitted he'd been having unprotected AFF hookups.

 

Fuck.

 

After quick testing ( clean, thank dog) and a hasty breakup, which included his poor gf being crushed, we were left with a rather raw wound. Though both my husband and our third were straight, they'd no doubt bonded over our 8 months together.

 

Its been tough since. Be careful.

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Stories like this are one of the many, many reasons I don't do unprotected sex.

 

What I'm trying to be careful of is the emotional side... I caught myself today thinking "Well, I could message her now, but that might seem pushy. I should wait. Should I wait a day? Two days? What if she thinks I should message her sooner?" Then I hit my head against the wall. A lot. Felt better. People talk about wanting to feel like a teenager again. Feeling like a teenager sucks! I want to feel like a mature, intelligent adult, thank you very much.

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Stories like this are one of the many, many reasons I don't do unprotected sex.

 

What I'm trying to be careful of is the emotional side... I caught myself today thinking "Well, I could message her now, but that might seem pushy. I should wait. Should I wait a day? Two days? What if she thinks I should message her sooner?" Then I hit my head against the wall. A lot. Felt better. People talk about wanting to feel like a teenager again. Feeling like a teenager sucks! I want to feel like a mature, intelligent adult, thank you very much.

 

If you want to message her, just do it. Don't play high school games.

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If you want to message her, just do it. Don't play high school games.

 

That was the conclusion I came to as well, after sanity reasserted itself. :)

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What flummoxes me is that I'm realizing all the emotion confusion surrounding this comes from the "friends" side of the "friends with benefits" equation. The sex, while really, really nice, isn't that big a deal.

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What flummoxes me is that I'm realizing all the emotion confusion surrounding this comes from the "friends" side of the "friends with benefits" equation. The sex, while really, really nice, isn't that big a deal.

 

I think that's one of the reasons why some swingers try to avoid having an emotional connection with play partners. The confusion, the stress, the possible fear of loss...some might feel that it's too much work. But for some, it can be rewarding to navigate through those twists and turns for the emotional payoff.

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I think that's one of the reasons why some swingers try to avoid having an emotional connection with play partners. The confusion, the stress, the possible fear of loss...some might feel that it's too much work. But for some, it can be rewarding to navigate through those twists and turns for the emotional payoff.

 

Seems worth it so far.

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