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What are your main issues in the Lifestyle?

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This may have been discussed in various forms and incarnations over time but it's always good to keep your finger on the pulse of reality and try to keep up with the current trends and times so how about another whirl?

 

What do you see as you main personal hurdles, challenges, pet peeves, issues or whatever you would like to call it, in the lifestyle? What is it that keeps you from ever reaching your own personal swinging nirvanna?:lol:

 

What do you see as some of the most current issues that affect you at this time in your lifesyle evolution? Maybe a good way to word it would be, if you could fix or change anything to improve your plight in the lifestyle, what would it be?

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To start things off, I will answer my own question. When we really sit down and think about it the thing that impacts us the most and would have the biggest impact if we could fix it would be babysitters. One of the biggest real life hassles that we have is in finding babysitters so we can go out. We have actually been quite fortunate in that we do have some good ones that usually are available but it still takes us a lot of time and energy to get one secured on any given weekend and we have pretty zero spontanaity in being able to go out.

 

the other biggest hurdle that we face is we both are usually interested in different kinds of people and we have a lot of trouble finding that 4-way click. Neither of us have any interest in playing separately and taking one for the team is not an option. We have met and enjoyed some awesome couples over the years but for every one of those there have many that one or the other of us liked but the other didn't or one of the people from the other couple felt the same about us. Neither of us really has any interest in singles either so that is just something we trudge along with and count our blessings when things work out.

 

How about you?

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Also looking for the 4-way click, its hard then we first thought it would be . Then we were lucky the first time we went to a club we meet and click with another couple and played.

 

We like you are interested in different people but saying that I have found that looks are not that important any more it more about the person and attitude.

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We've had one problem lately: All work and no play.

 

I've been knocking out 60+ hour weeks for quite a while, sometimes running up the 70+ hours.

 

So, when I've had a day off, I end up sleeping.

 

Sucks. But as much as we like to swing, we like having a house, food, and our crap we like to buy even more. So, I'll work a lot now, since it isn't forever.

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two4youinswva,

 

What a great signature quote!:lol::lol:

 

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy... this sounds like a "license to bitch" thread.

 

Our main issues in the lifestyle are:

 

1. Far and away the biggest hurdle we have is Mr. Fuse's difficulty with being at all assertive with women. If I didn't know he wasn't lazy, I would think he was lazy. We have lost countless great couples because the woman wants, quite reasonably, for him to show more interest, to pursue more aggressively -- pursue at all, actually. And I catch all the flak. "I need more than a smile", one lady said to me last year. That really stuck with me. I lost count of the number whose husbands who tell me their wives don't know if he is even interested. I am rubbish at trying to motivate him because I am always so annoyed with him about it, that my "helpful suggestions" are probably counterproductive. I end up telling the other lady point blank that he likes them, he is just shy and he is trying. Many times it is a deal breaker.

 

Last weekend we were out and he was complaining that he wasn't feeling like any of the women were interested in him. I told him to look at what their husbands were doing with me -- touching, flirting, kissing -- and to use that as his guideline. He still won't do it, because he is afraid of being rejected. I told him he will be rejected from time to time. It sucks, but it won't kill him. Every once in a while he steps up to the plate, but it is the exception rather than the rule. Even when there were ten of us naked in a room, he waited for the woman he liked to come the whole distance up to him.

 

Ugh. Can you tell I'm aggravated?

 

2. Our second issue in the lifestyle is trying to make advance plans. We have learned to live with plans being more spontaneous, but we would really rather have plans we can look forward to and not stress about sitting home and feeling like wallflowers. Related to that, it's finding a few couples to have longer-term play friendships with.

 

3. Our third issue is finding compatible couples -- 'nuff said.

 

I do have some perspective on all this-- we really have things quite good. We're both fairly attractive, don't need a babysitter, don't work crazy hours, and we agree quite often on who we like. All in all we are doing really well. When things are good, they're really good.

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Hehehe... poor Mrs. Fuse:) My Mr. Lusty definitely complains about my lack of initiative. My problem is less one of being shy and more one of being focused. He's got the target in range, and I'm on the side of the field chatting with onlookers, missing my turn to shoot, or better yet, dancing:D I also have less of a desire for cold meets than Mr. Lusty and get worn down by daily life more easily, so we don't go out as much as we could.

 

The four-way match can sometimes be a problem. There will always be some sort of differential, even with couples we both really like. C'est la vie. We've been fortunate in our experiences though and cannot complain.

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1. Far and away the biggest hurdle we have is Mr. Fuse's difficulty with being at all assertive with women. If I didn't know he wasn't lazy, I would think he was lazy. We have lost countless great couples because the woman wants, quite reasonably, for him to show more interest, to pursue more aggressively -- pursue at all, actually. And I catch all the flak. "I need more than a smile", one lady said to me last year. That really stuck with me. I lost count of the number whose husbands who tell me their wives don't know if he is even interested. I am rubbish at trying to motivate him because I am always so annoyed with him about it, that my "helpful suggestions" are probably counterproductive. I end up telling the other lady point blank that he likes them, he is just shy and he is trying. Many times it is a deal breaker.

 

Last weekend we were out and he was complaining that he wasn't feeling like any of the women were interested in him. I told him to look at what their husbands were doing with me -- touching, flirting, kissing -- and to use that as his guideline. He still won't do it, because he is afraid of being rejected. I told him he will be rejected from time to time. It sucks, but it won't kill him. Every once in a while he steps up to the plate, but it is the exception rather than the rule. Even when there were ten of us naked in a room, he waited for the woman he liked to come the whole distance up to him.

 

Ugh. Can you tell I'm aggravated?

 

Yes, my spidey sense is picking up that you might be slightly aggravated ;)

 

I know exactly where he is at; I have been there myself and as far as I have come at overcoming it, but if I am being honest I'm still more like that than I would like. It is a difficult thing for a guy to admit being bad at. Being good with women, being able to easily talk to women, have them be attracted and escalate to sex is a core foundation of a mans masculinity. So, admitting that he struggles with it is very difficult for most guys.

 

I've seen you post some great stuff for a while, but haven't noticed if he posts on here. Does he post as well? I know that it's not an easy conversation between you guys, but if he'd like to talk to a guy who struggled with those same kind of things I'd be more than happy to chat about it. He (or you) can PM me anytime. I still struggle through it too so it's on the top of my mind ;)

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Yes, my spidey sense is picking up that you might be slightly aggravated ;)

 

I know exactly where he is at; I have been there myself and as far as I have come at overcoming it, but if I am being honest I'm still more like that than I would like. It is a difficult thing for a guy to admit being bad at. Being good with women, being able to easily talk to women, have them be attracted and escalate to sex is a core foundation of a mans masculinity. So, admitting that he struggles with it is very difficult for most guys.

 

I've seen you post some great stuff for a while, but haven't noticed if he posts on here. Does he post as well? I know that it's not an easy conversation between you guys, but if he'd like to talk to a guy who struggled with those same kind of things I'd be more than happy to chat about it. He (or you) can PM me anytime. I still struggle through it too so it's on the top of my mind ;)

 

Now I feel badly for being a bitch. I do vent a bit much sometimes and I guess I should keep it to myself. Is there a "contrite" emoticon? I have to add that I adore him to his face and let him know clearly when he does something that pleases me, which is often, but that stuff doesn't get posted about as much! Yikes! Now I'm a defensive bitch! {"Shovel" emoticon}

 

I will show him this thread; I hope he PMs you. Thank you for your kind offer; that is really nice! He doesn't post on the Board, or at least he hasn't for at least a year. But he hears about lots of the threads from me.

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I would have to say that the first one would be the baby sitter. How can I get her to have sex with Mrs. CXXC? Just kidding! We dont even have kids.

 

Ms. Fuse

It could be worse. People always tell me after we have hung out for about an hour or so that when they first saw me, they thought I looked MEAN! They felt intimidated. Mrs. CXXC is generally the one who introduces me to couples as she is such a little thing, they figure I cant be all that bad if she hangs around me.

 

our biggest issue however, is neither time, clicking, money, etc..... What we find so limiting is the societal standards and out look toward the lifestyle. More and more clubs are being shut down every day. There are few resorts in the states that offere lifestyle friendly services. We need a HEDO or Desire in the states! It would be great if we could have one in each state! A corporate chain even! Could you imagine the Holiday Inn Sexpress? AWESOME!

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1st. Lying. We are a young couple, so we moved in back home with my family (V) to try and save money to eventually buy a house. So essentially we have to lie like crazy every time we go out. Plus we are known more for staying home or just going out to the movies so coming home at 3am raises questions.

 

2nd. Money Difference. Generally in the vanilla world (school, work) we meet people in our "tax" brackets. The lifestyle allows us to meet all sorts of people, but some couples make WAY more then we do. So sometimes we have to let people know that their favorite restaurant is a bit to much for us.

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We don't seem to have any issues in our swinging life..... :rolleyes:

 

Our girlfriend is in Florida and we are not. Thats more of a bummer, rather than an issue ;).

 

Our vanilla neighbors are fighting. The Mrs. conked the Mr. with a beer mug the other day. He had to have five stitches in his head. We are not getting involved though. Not sure why, but we are guessing its Jealousy with a lack of sex. We don't hang out with the vanillas much anymore. I think its kinda funny though. He is a really big dumb ass :hahaha:

 

I guess thats not really an issue either though.

 

Sorry, not trying to hijack this thread. Just rambling :surrend:

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One word: Time. We work different shifts - I wake Lin up when I come home from work, we have about 10 minutes together, then she jumps in the shower while I crawl into bed. She goes to work, and I go to sleep. She calls me on the phone during her afternoon break, and she heads home as I'm driving to work. One more phone call during my first break, as she's climbing into bed. Then I wake her up when I get home from work...

 

Thank God we have the same days off. Weekends, here lately anyway, are for us exclusively. She's hoping to change shifts soon, to one that matches mine - I can't change shifts - I've tried.

 

So, as I said, it's time. What time we do have together is spent together.

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I read about other's "issues" and have empathy for their situations, but I'm happy as a pig in shit. When the weather is nice, there's a desirable house party almost every weekend. We decline tons of parties knowing that when we get the itch to swing, there will be a fun party happening and with folks we've enjoyed before. We love the occasional sexual variety, but it simply doesn't compare with the outrageous sex we get at home. The two groups we party with have some overlap and we get along well with everyone so far. Everyone is friendly, fun loving and respectful. Making a compatible connection for an evening is as easy as can be - I can't remember being rejected at a party. The ladies are usually more assertive than the men - I've been ambushed in a hallway and dragged into the nearest bedroom (I didn't put up much of a fight).

 

So, if I had to dream up an "issue", it might be that I still haven't found that cute little athletic red-head salivating for my body.

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One word: Time. We work different shifts - I wake Lin up when I come home from work, we have about 10 minutes together, then she jumps in the shower while I crawl into bed. She goes to work, and I go to sleep. She calls me on the phone during her afternoon break, and she heads home as I'm driving to work. One more phone call during my first break, as she's climbing into bed. Then I wake her up when I get home from work...

 

Thank God we have the same days off. Weekends, here lately anyway, are for us exclusively. She's hoping to change shifts soon, to one that matches mine - I can't change shifts - I've tried.

 

So, as I said, it's time. What time we do have together is spent together.

 

I would have to agree that TIME is the biggest issue Mrs. CXXC and I face. Like MrkLin, we are on complete opposite schedules. This happenes every 3 months for aobut 6 weeks. Then we are back to being on the same schedule. HOWEVER, we rarely have the same days off. Im your normal 8-5 m-f worker. She is all over the place.

Add my traveling for work every week or so and you can see where this goes. Not much time for each other let alone another couple.

MY KINGDOM FOR A TIME MACHINE!!!!!

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We must be really spoiled. No kids, no job constraints, etc. We are still newbies, so there is no staleness yet. Even this one does not apply:

 

... There are few resorts in the states that offer lifestyle friendly services. We need a HEDO or Desire in the states! It would be great if we could have one in each state! A corporate chain even! Could you imagine the Holiday Inn Sexpress? AWESOME!

 

We are lucky enough to live just two hours away from Sea Mountain Inn in Palm Springs. It is a very lifestyle-friendly resort, like a mini Hedo (it is quite small, so the emphasis is on mini), but also very upscale. On a good weekend we can meet several couples that we are both attracted to :kissface:.

 

This has turned out to be the only venue we have needed to hook up with other couples. Between the onsite playground and the constant invites to private house parties that we get from people we meet there, to the occasional date with other local people we meet there, we don't have to work at finding playmates whatsoever.

 

I guess if we had to come up with a main issue it would be that there are not enough weekends per week :lol: We do have to work during the week, after all.

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Guest screaminggood

No longer the babysitter as the kids are older, but why, oh why do people wait to start mixing until midnight? I want a party that where it gets hot by 8 p.m....

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No longer the babysitter as the kids are older, but why, oh why do people wait to start mixing until midnight? I want a party that where it gets hot by 8 p.m....

 

I agree. It's staying out til 3 or 4 am that has put a kink in our "normal" lives, being tired the next day, and dragging. Don't get me wrong, it's worth it, but it does seem to not get "hot" around the club until very late. Maybe we should change that next time we go...

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That's what I love about the house party we go to. Arrive at 8, and by 9, the action has begun! None of those silly games to interfere with the main activity.

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1. Far and away the biggest hurdle we have is Mr. Fuse's difficulty with being at all assertive with women. If I didn't know he wasn't lazy, I would think he was lazy. We have lost countless great couples because the woman wants, quite reasonably, for him to show more interest, to pursue more aggressively -- pursue at all, actually. And I catch all the flak. "I need more than a smile", one lady said to me last year. That really stuck with me. I lost count of the number whose husbands who tell me their wives don't know if he is even interested. I am rubbish at trying to motivate him because I am always so annoyed with him about it, that my "helpful suggestions" are probably counterproductive. I end up telling the other lady point blank that he likes them, he is just shy and he is trying. Many times it is a deal breaker.

 

Wow... this sounds so familiar! I know that I have met quiet a few folks from here and most wouldn't believe it, but I struggle a lot in the LS with dealing with the ladies. I can "be friendly" as good as most guys and I don't typically have an issue in letting a lady know I am interested, but ONLY if I already know that she is or maybe interested in me. If I am not sure, my old fashioned nature kicks in and I am way too "polite", if that is the right word to use. I am always so concerned with offending either the wife or the husband, that I won't do much in the "being friendly" area until I have been "given" the right to go. Now I know most would say that if we are all at the club or at a social that it can probably be assumed it is ok, but I just can't bring myself to do it.

 

Also as someone else pointed out, I too am very afraid to step up to the plate and try to start things for fear of being rejected. I think that this fear is something that a lot of people, both men and woman deal with at some point in the lifestyle. Now, once I know the lady is interested, we won't have any issues with her being confused that I am interested. :facelick:

 

2. Our second issue in the lifestyle is trying to make advance plans. We have learned to live with plans being more spontaneous, but we would really rather have plans we can look forward to and not stress about sitting home and feeling like wallflowers. Related to that, it's finding a few couples to have longer-term play friendships with.

 

This also would be one of our complaints. We really would love to find a few good friends that we can have repeat play dates with. All the friends that we have actually made that have repeat potential seem to live out of state. I am beginning to wonder if there might be something to this to be honest.... but that is for a different thread.

 

Lastly, my biggest bitch has to be feeling like I am back freaking high school again with the clicks, the childish behavior and just plain rudeness in people. I hated high school for the most part when I was in it and I can't stand the same feeling as an adult. I really was thinking that this would be pretty simple, we are all adults and it should be reasonably simple to find some compatible adults to have sex with. Yea it took only a month or so to figure out that was a huge mistake! :lol:

 

-Van

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Mrs. WA here...

 

My biggest issue with the lifestyle is how click-ish (I know... spelling) the swing community can be... also how hard it is to find people who want to have sex. Its like we have to be best friends before we can have sex. I have friends... I have a life... I just want some good ol fashion SEX.

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hi,

 

very interesting thread from a newbies perspective. When you start thinking about this

activity you know that the number of people you will find in your area will be limited.

 

Add to that finding people who are looking for the same kind of sexual experience the numbers dwindle.

 

Add to that the number of people you both find attractive.

Sometimes it seems like you're just better off staying home :(

 

 

 

WE BOTH have to second the ridiculousness of the midnight and later parties, etc.

Even if you don't work crazy hours, between traffic, chores kids, and general life stuff we both put in a 10+ hour day on a good week. You are not going to find us lively and ready to party for hours at 10, 11 PM on a Friday night and sex can be just as HOT on a Sat, afternoon at 2 pm after a nice brunch :)

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Issues? U saying we have issues?? :)

 

I would call the obstacles and not nescessarily issues.

 

1) As described in a previous response, being more agressive with women. If we are at a club to meet a specific couple, new or known, I'm ok with doing alot of flirting touching, etc. But when we are in a meet and greet crowd, I'm sometimes a bit shy. Being a bit new (4-5 months) I forget that its ok to do some flirting and touching. Not knowing if the woman is interested I worry about crossing a line, etc. My wife is much more aggressive with the men. I was actually thinking about this before reading this thread, after a meet and greet last night. I'm just a little slower and less quick to grab the girl. Now if I have a few drinks, I'm much less inhibited, but I'm also sensitive to drinking and performance later!!!

 

2) Finding the energy to keep up with the party. As I'm sure many people there's alot going on in my life that just wear me out. Stressful job, training for a 25 mile extreme trail run, house repairs (like Mr CXXS' blog entries).

 

3) Being in the late 40's trying to find couples with mutual attraction our age and younger. The younger ones are not that interested, and we like couples that are in pretty good shape at our age. Also we find many couples our age have been in the lifestyle awhile and are just no interested in expanding to meeting new people.

 

4) Coming up with stores for our daughter about where we've been, why are you wearing beads (whoops forgot to take them off), where do you know then from..etc

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I guess we really don't have issues, but more complaints. Someone mentioned not playing at M&Gs or parties until midnight or later and by then, we're ready for bed.

 

We all get together at these M&Gs or parties for a reason. Everyone knows the reason, yet, nobody makes a move until after midnight. We are to blame, too. We don't make a move on someone, either.

 

We have met up with a couple where it's fun to start playing in the early evening, break for a while to eat and then go back at it. That was one of the funnest times I think we've had.

 

Maybe we're just getting old, I don't know. :)

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Also looking for the 4-way click, its hard then we first thought it would be.

 

That's definitely been hard for us. We also like to maintain friendships with people we like, and we've found that many couples do not like to do that.

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Time is definitely our biggest obstacle. Between keeping up with various groups of vanilla friends, spending time with family and being parents we are left with very little time to meet people.

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We also find that making that four way connection is a stuggle in the life style. The other issue is finding couples that are into what we are into.

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The issues faced by swingers are........surprise surprise....the same as faced by all other normal people, honesty, trust, jealousy, respect, finding time, self control, alcohol in moderation...................we are after all normal

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The conflict bothers me. Saying something and then turning 180 degrees and saying the opposite. Noone at the club seemed interested, no pushy people. Lifes hard enough without making something thats supposed to be fun, like doing taxes.

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Our biggest issues have been finding people that we are attracted to who also find us attractive. My wife is very picky and is not attracted to many men and she is also not very bi and is attracted to even fewer women. Also she is a very reserved person and doesn't open up to people very quickly and so she is often viewed as aloof and at times even snobbish. She is also very slender, fit and attractive so people often view her as the snobbish hot chick.

 

If you were to read the account that The Fuse wrote about Mr Fuse you could pretty much replace "Mr Fuse" with Mrs Arvcpl" and it would be a very accurate discription of her as well.

 

I am not without my challenges as well of course. I know you all will find this shocking but I am not exactly Mr Charming:lol: I have learned to become much more assertive and I probably try to compensate for her social reservations and I probably go to far so we come off as the steriotypical "she's hot/he's not" couple where people say, "well she's pretty attractive but kind of stuck on herself and he's a bit overbearing and aggressive.

 

Our biggest challenge is to try and become more moderate as couple as opposed to being polar opposites of each other.

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We only have two "issues" in the lifestyle.

 

#1. Like others have posted, it's difficult to find another couple we're both attracted to. We've found one recently, and they've set a standard for us to expect. :) (We are guilty of having played with people one of us wasn't that interested in. No more!)

 

#2. Competition. There's another couple in our niche who enjoys playing with as many people as they can find. We don't, and they tell everyone we're not "true swingers". Sadly, some couples will judge based on that without taking the time to get to know us. At least we have that one *perfect* couple! LOL

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Other than the most typical problems related in this thread, the Lady and I run on different modes.

 

Whereas I am not too much to look at, my wife assures me that I have a rugged handsomeness, I do possess a certain charm and I can dance. My wife on the other hand can be a bit of wallflower. I have heard that she is hard to approach.

 

R

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Our issue is time; she works night weekends and I work m-f days. We are *finally* getting Friday nights together, but our babysitter and the swing parties are available Saturdays! :(

 

Second, we've found the cliques to be a problem. Boston SUCKS for clubs, so you have to get involved in some private scene, which invariably becomes a clique, which invariably turns sour. *sigh*

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No longer the babysitter as the kids are older, but why, oh why do people wait to start mixing until midnight? I want a party that where it gets hot by 8 p.m....

 

We have some friends that have house parties...usually a decent turn out...but no one wants to start playing until at least midnite or even later (there have been times we've left at 2 am and people are just then heading to the playroom).

 

To remedy this, I informed the party host and Jeff that by 1130p...we would be in the playroom if anyone wanted to join us. And the running joke thru out the evening was 'you have xx min until playtime'. Well...5 min before the deadline we were in the playroom quite enjoying ourselves when folks decided to trickle in. I think some of the comments were along the lines of 'shit, i thought they were joking' :lol:

 

So I would settle for a party that gets started by midnight. I understand wanting to socialize...I just don't feel like we have to do it for 5 or 6 hours before playtime starts. :lol:

 

Other issues involve Jeff's crazy work schedule, not always on the same page with/about playmates. Much of what everyone else here has mentioned. :)

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Lastly, my biggest bitch has to be feeling like I am back freaking high school again with the clicks, the childish behavior and just plain rudeness in people. I hated high school for the most part when I was in it and I can't stand the same feeling as an adult. I really was thinking that this would be pretty simple, we are all adults and it should be reasonably simple to find some compatible adults to have sex with. Yea it took only a month or so to figure out that was a huge mistake! :lol:

 

-Van

 

I would have to agree with this one. We've just started going to a few of the local clubs (a few times over the last 6 months), and we've found very few people that will actually talk to someone outside of their little 'group'. We're kinda shy to begin with, so we're already facing an uphill battle.

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We only have two "issues" in the lifestyle.

 

#1. Like others have posted, it's difficult to find another couple we're both attracted to. We've found one recently, and they've set a standard for us to expect. :) (We are guilty of having played with people one of us wasn't that interested in. No more!)

 

We simply didn't find another couple, rather a couple we had played with years ago... resurfaced. They too had been "looking" without success, and when we compared notes of our mutual searches, we both discovered it was because we were comparing others to what we already had. Amazing, Actually! Dahhhh

 

So we are back together again, and with the realization that we already have the best, for us.

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We have run into something a bit different that raises issue with us. When we meet someone with whom we are not interested in playing, we always try to graciously and respectfully let them know we don't want to play, but that we still want to talk and/or become friends. Most people understand this and have no problem with it, but there are a few out there who can't handle rejection apparently. It's almost like "if you don't want to fuck me, then fuck you!" LOL But seriously sometimes it seems that if you're not going to sex someone you otherwise have no value at all to them.

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We have to agree with the time element at house parties. We find it diffulcult enough to find a couple where we both click with them. We are new and just wetting our feet, and the Mrs doesn't feel she should just jump in with any Tom, Dick or Harry, so we usally end up going home excited but tired and saying perhaps nexttime. We attended a house party last night and by midnight everyone was still chit chatting, all the beds were empty they had a voyeur area and I said lets go and play and see what happens. I went down on her and a few people came and watched but no one else took the hint and joined in or masturbated, just a few thats nice, yummy. so after the Mrs came a few times we got up and went back outside to the backyard and had adrink and mingled some more.

Just as we had decided to perhaps head out as we get up every morning at 6am, and habits don't know its the weekend, then people start rubbing up against us and sending out the vibes, why can't this happen earleir like 9pm when we are still somewhat wide eyed and bushy tailed.

I'm sure that once things started happening that the Mrs and even myself would start to take interest in persons we hadn't considered before hand. perhaps next time I'll have to start stuff in the hottub and see if we can kick start the fun.

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