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Our first swinging experience leaves us with some questions

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Hi,

So this is our 3rd post. We have a few questions. First I wanted to say love this place.

 

Here are the questions:

1. For the guys: During our deflowering into this life style I could not get it up no matter how hard the woman I was with tried. I figured it was due to alcohol since I don't drink a lot. When they left after we were done I was able to get erect for my wife with no problem. How common is this.

 

2. With it being our first time we kind of just went the flow and the first couple to show interest. To be fair most there were 20 years our senior I would guess. What's the best way to not blow off a couple but to keep our options open?

 

3. What's the standard for setting up ground rules? Do we just say hey this is what we are looking for and open to?

 

Thanks

 

Mike and Terri

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It's great to hear you are finding the site fun and informative, and we're glad to have you as an active member of the community.

 

Performance issues happen, it sucks, and it can really get into your head. Laying off the alcohol helps, but beyond that, it's a mind game. Men in general supposedly are preprogrammed with the ability to instantly get it up every time, anytime, for anyone, but that is more myth than reality. For all the reasons mentioned above, and more, things just don't always go as expected. If there is any consolation it's that 1) woman in the Lifestyle are generally very understanding, 2) there are lots of things you can do to make her feel good without a hard-on. Sometimes just taking that second approach will resolve the situation since when you take your mind off why you aren't erect and focus it on giving her everything else you can.....then suddenly things come to life and problem is solved.

 

Honesty is the best policy, and being polite and mannerly will get you far. Swingers are pretty good at reading others and don't like game playing, so just be honest about whatever your feelings are and they will probably have picked up on where you stand just about as soon as you yourself know, so you likely won't have to spell it out in uncomfortably direct terms. In short, be honest, but no need to go to brutally honest unless the situation truly warrants.

 

Usually, talking about the ground rules is part of the getting to know you screening process. "So, do you guys like full swap or soft swap? Do you like to play in separate rooms or always together?" Rules are important, but no one likes to feel they are being interrogated either. Just make it a part of natural conversation. It's info both sides need to know, so along with asking them, offer up information about yourselves too so they have good information to make their decision also.

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Thanks so much for the advice. I figure the biggest thing was just the anxiety of it being the first time for us. Thank you guys for the advice and tips. I am sure we will have more questions.

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I think the performance issue can be categorized as somewhere between bad karma and some type of fraternity initiation/joke. On the Karma side I mean, for most of us, the man encourages the lady to try swinging, tells her that seeing her do another guy is the big turn on, doing another lady just a side benefit. The couple arrives, meets another couple, the lady nervously or reluctantly agrees to go to the play room. The four of them start playing, the lady moves forward as promised and the guy lays there with the other woman, trying to get his thing to work, while getting a much better view of his wife playing than he expected. On the "prank" side, I think this happens often enough that the more experienced guys in a sort of silent collaboration feed the newbie drinks knowing that he is nervous and knowing that his "first night" performance will be impaired. Hey, just a thought,...... I'm just saying, you know, conspiracies are every where these days. :)

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We are also raised that sex is something very private between two consenting adults (by society, by religion, by parents) and overcoming this can be difficult even without alcohol (of course, some people think it's easier to overcome WITH alcohol). When we started, almost every adventure was ABSOLUTELY SMOKING HOT, but it seemed like my mind would just interpret it as dream or fantasy...it couldn't REALLY be happening. At the same time, it seemed like every insecurity and personal shortcoming was magnified. It took awhile to get my brain to accept that this was real. Fortunately, there are other things that can be done to please the women (and there is a pill that helps).

 

We also went with the first couple that was interested and while we all got along well, we didn't really 'click'. In hindsight, they would have been great 'vanilla' friends, just not anything more. It took some time and patience, but we finally met people who we 'clicked' with...while waiting for them to arrive, it kind of sucked but once they got here, it was worth the wait. It's hard to be patient, especially when you have been given the green light and really WANT to go, but it's worth it when you get there.

 

Yes, just say what you are looking for and what you want and expect from them. We actually have it in our profile but we usually also follow up when meeting another couple for the first few times just so there are no misunderstandings.

 

Good luck and keep us up to date with your adventure!

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For us, our LS adventure with other couples started in a club (this year!) and we were lucky enough to connect with a fun couple the very first time. The other couples we have played with were at a huge event (Naughty in N'Awlins) which, in some ways, is more like a club environment than the online one, i.e. lots of couples, all there for the same purpose, in a "crowd" environment. For us, that is easier - you can chat with a couple you see that looks good, and if it clicks it clicks, if not you can smile and say "Hey, we're gonna mingle, we'll catch up with you later" or some such.

 

We're just starting the online thing, put our profile up a couple of months ago. The first step was finding the right board; one of the biggest, one that we got a free 3 month sub to Kasidie at NiN, but few connections and the ones we got were not "clicks" so we use that more to stay in touch with some other couples we met at NiN. When we found the "Right" boards for us/our area (SLS, and even better, Swingvillage.com) we got a lot of emails.

 

What we have found is actually that we started out too "easy" - in other words, we'd get an email on the board from a couple that we could tell wasn't a fit for us for whatever reason. As in, obvious. We are very open, we can be in a vanilla bar and make friends with any kind of couple, any race, any income bracket, any looks, any age. So I think we kinda extended that to our online stuff. Maybe because we were afraid a couple like us - in our 50s, nice looking but not super hard bodies, etc. - would not be able to be picky. But we decided we have to be picky for all the obvious reasons.

 

SOOO - to your questions! We have probably done more chatting and emailing than a lot of couples online before meeting up for drinks. I know a lot of online couples hate that, they want to jump right to face to face because you can't really tell until you actually meet, but our travels have required that (not in town) and that has resulted in become pretty good email friends with a fun looking couple, enough so to have dinner rather than drinks for the first meeting. (I.e. we aren't worried about having to have the time required with dinner with a couple we immediately know we don't click with.) So if they are the kind of couple who doesn't mind getting to know each other a bit online before meeting, that can help.

 

Next - we always tell online couples that we don't play on first meeting - that it's a rule we have. If a couple balks at that, well, that tells us right there they aren't a fit for us. And it makes it easy if there isn't a "click" for either side - since you are just meeting to get to know each other, and there is no expectation of play that night, there is no "yes or no" requirement during that first date. It removes the pressure and both couples can communicate whether there is a desire to go to the next step after the date. Now, for us, we actually have an agreement between the Wifey and me that if it is an obvious "yes" for us and the other couple, one of those magic connections where both couples are smiling and laughing and the vibe is obvious to everyone, we will play that first night. But by setting the expectation of no play that first meeting, the pressure to say yes or no is greatly relieved, you just relax and enjoy having drinks and dinner with another LS couple, and our experience is that, even if we don't want to have sex with them, we enjoy chatting with most LS couples.

 

Men's performance issues: yeah, even though I'm in my 50s, my biggest worry about LS play was the same one men have since their teens, I'm going to cum too fast! So it was a shock to me the first night, in a group room with the other couple, that I lasted so long, and not only that, at one point lost my erection. I mean, here I am in a room with people all around having sex, Live Porn all around me, and I'm in the middle of a porn movie playing with another couple, and I lose my erection? I got it back quickly, with the help of my wife's mouth, LOL, but it was the last thing I expected. And then, in New Orleans, we were in our room with two other couples, one of those OMG this doesn't happen in real life moments, and at the end of the play, and my wife had just gotten one guy off with a BJ and a hot European woman was going down on me and had just told me to cum in her mouth, and I found I was having a hard time cumming! No problem keeping the erection, but couldn't cum! I actually had to fantasize about something else to orgasm!

 

Now it was only my second time to have sex with another couple (yeah, not the normal progression, meet another couple in a club first time, then a couple of weeks later sex with two other couples in New Orleans!) Oh, and the first time we played with another couple, in a club, my wife never did cum, as hot as it was. What we concluded was it was all so new to us that it was actually kind of distracting. So many other thoughts in our heads, "Wow, we're really doing this!" "Cool, there's no jealousy feelings" "I wonder what her hubby is thinking about seeing his wife go down on me?" and in the room with the sixsome, the issue was I knew the other guys had already orgasmed so everyone in the room was watching us, and I knew I they were waiting for me to cum.

 

So - not unusual. And I've been told, it is actually easier after more experience. My wife had no problem cumming after that first night. And I DID cum while the European lady was giving me a BJ and it was pretty explosive. But beyond it's not unusual no "tricks" to help other than relax and accept what is actually happening is something you fantasize about!

 

Oh, and ground rules, if it is a couple we met online, we exchange those in email. Kinda like, "Thanks for the comments, you guys look hot too! Yeah. we'd be interested in drinks to get to know each other and see if there's a "click." Just to make sure we're compatible in terms of play styles, we're same room only, and soft swap (which for us is everything except cross couple intercourse) to start, full swap later if it feels right. Also, we have a rule that we don't play on first meeting, we use that to just get to know each other with as relaxed a setting as possible. Does that work for you guys?" or something similar. Exchanging rules is expected so it should never be awkward, and any couple that doesn't want to talk about rules, well that's not a fit for us.

 

FWIW from relative newbies.

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It does not hurt to have Viagra as an insurance policy if it is medically appropriate for you. I do not advocate it for recreational use, but as one ages, it can help. I understand that the original poster does not necessarily have ED, but it is a tool that is out there for certain people.

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Ok, not being able to get up can be an issue and does happen. It could have been the alcohol along with anxiety that caused it. Always go easy on the booze, stay calm and don't over think it. If it does happen, and it will, try to find other ways to please her. It may be all it takes to get you to relax enough to rise to the occasion. Ground rules are important. Honesty and open communication are the key. You should have already spent some time talking to your partner about your personal ground rules. When talking to another couple or third, you have to find out what is acceptable and what is not. Nobody wantd to find out in the middle of it that something is not right. It could turn it in to a very awkward situation. Having a couple of get togethers ahead of play time should help everyone get to know each other a bit and setting ground rules. As for not burning bridges and keeping options open, just be who you are. If you enjoyed it, let them know that. If there was something lacking, maybe you can figure out what and how to make it better should there be a next time. Above all, relax and have fun.

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