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HollyGood1

He couldn't perform once. Is it all messed up now?

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We have been swinging with another married couple, good friends of ours. Our children hang out together. We have a fun vanilla social life as friends and then have our dirty secret that we are swinging behind closed doors. We have a lot of chemistry and always have a good time.

We recently went to a swingers club for the first time, and things didn't go so well. My husband had performance issues. He realizes it was all in his head but it was a big let down. Her husband is a spitfire and can cum again and again. I know this put a lot of pressure on my husband and I believe it has a lot to do with his "issue". Plus being tired, a new environment (club), and drinks all contributed. I tried to help my husband out... Didn't work. Me and my husband had sex once but he was not fully aroused. He was unable to swap with her at all. She was bummed out. And she felt like it was her, that he wasn't into her. This isn't the case at all. I'm not exaggerating when I say she is probably close to being hottest woman in any room. He feels very attracted to her and says they have a great chemistry...plus I'm very very into her. So me and her had sex, you name it.. Hoping to help my husband out with the visual. No go. In the end. He was embarrassed, we were all disappointed and now there is awkwardness between us. I don't want it to be the end of a good thing. My husband wants to keep things going. But I have no idea how they feel. I think she just needs to feel like my husband wants to bang her brains out and want her. He is always more cautious and reserved and I am the aggressor. I've even given him full permission to have sex with her without my presence there (different room etc) if it's hot and they are into it to give her that extra attention and make it up to her.

I know performance issues are common in swinging, but this is a first for us. How do you avoid letting it ruin your group? What should I do next? I'm hoping me and her can go grab some drinks and talk.

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I think your last sentence is the key to this just being one of those things that didn't go as well as hoped but will fade into the past, and that is to just talk about. Performance issues are always super frustrating, especially for the guy involved, and there probably aren't many of us guys out there that haven't had an issue at one time or another for all the reasons you stated. Any one of those alone can do it, and all three together make for a lethal combination.

 

You all have played together before, so everyone knows the chemistry is there and how things can be. I would just try to use that as a reminder that all is well, no reason to let one bump in the road ruin a good thing, and it was just one of those nights that sooner or later just about everyone has where they just aren't feeling it for one reason or another.

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Did I read this correctly? Your husband has maintained an erection and , presumably, had had great sex with this woman all during you swing relationship? And he fails just this one time with her at a swing club? If so, I cannot see the reason for upset.

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Yes SW, you read it correctly. The four of us are not very experienced swingers. Them

More than us, and this 4-some is only been going on for a few months. It's our first swinging experience. So these are all new emotions and feelings to deal with. I got a chance to talk with the other couple and everything is fine. They understand and just said it was A let down. I told my husband he just owes the wife :) I just hope my husband doesn't get himself siked out for the next time.

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I was about to respond that I think you all are letting this be a bigger deal than it should be. Glad you were able to clear it up and put the worries to rest. :)

 

He's not the first, and won't be the last that this happens to. ;)

 

Good luck to the four of you!

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. . . I just hope my husband doesn't get himself siked out for the next time.
OK, I understand. Thanks.

 

What floats to the top of my mind, in light of this, is: next time, do it without alcoholic beverage.

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He's not the first, and won't be the last that this happens to.

 

This is very, Very, VERY common in swinging.

 

Have him call his doctor, get a prescription for Viagra, go to Viagra.com and get the free trial coupon. Costs nothing to try (make sure to get the 100mg pill and cut them in half). Next time no worries, no pressure, everyone has a good time. A couple of good times behind him, maybe no more issues.

 

The more talk, the more worry, the more chance of future disappointment. The snowball effect. Sex in clubs creates a whole different set of issues. Over stimulation, sex all over the place, pressure of many people watching, alcohol, different surroundings, etc. Tell him to try the blue pill and don't look back. If I had to guess, and it is a wild guess, I'd say many, if not most guys have tried it. One of our parties with a group I never would have expected, we found a blue pill on the floor while cleaning up. You never know who is using. It is possible the man of the other couple was, and you wouldn't know.

 

Just my opinion.

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Thank you all for the support and advice. I realize how common it is and don't personally feel like it's a big deal. But I understand why it was an issue for my husband the other wife. Being new-ish to this also adds the element of dealing with the thoughts like 'the other couple is having such a great time together, they are really hitting it off... But my swap partner can't do the same... Is it me!?' Or my husband seeing how much fun/pleasure I was having and not being able to do the same and then hyper focusing on what im doing.

We talked about getting a sample of Viagra or cialis as a trial and give him that piece of mind. I honestly just having it will set his mind at ease enough to get hard. Hopefully we get another try/chance soon.

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Nobody should get too upset about it. It happens, especially with guys who aren't that experienced in the lifestyle or aren't used to groups. It has happened to me more than once. I used to take it personally until I realized that guys aren't machines and a number of factors can cause a stud to fail once in a while.

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Our first time at a club, dh and I only played with each other, and even then he had difficulty. It's hard (hehe I said hard) with all the distractions to stay in the groove, especially if group/public sex is a new thing.

I never make a big deal of erection issues. Naked fun times don't always revolve around a penis, after all :)

 

eta: Does your husband enjoy watching you? DH adores watching me getting fucked, makes him crazy turned on. Perhaps to ease into it, he could watch you play and then take his own turn with you. Depending how bi you and the other gal are, it could be a serious group fun puppy pile, with no pressure on any one person to perform. (That's why I'm such a fan of threesomes lol)

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Having performance anxiety is extremely common for people new to swinging and especially in a club atmosphere. I would not, however, recommend taking sexually enhancing drugs after one evening. New situations require time and familiarity. Throwing medications at the problem may only bring more problems. Go again and adjust your expectations. Get off on watching others, giving and receiving oral, touching and flirting and then go home and have a good romp together. Get used to the environment and feel comfortable before you jump in the deep end.

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