ED situation - what's a gal to do?

Hey all,

 

Mrs. here! We had a situation this weekend with a couple we know and like, and I'm wondering what is the best way to handle the snag we encountered - tips are welcome!

 

We like this couple very much - it's mutual. Due to circumstances, we haven't been intimate with them for 6 months, until last night. So we're not new to each other, it's just been awhile. Everything was going great - we all have a real comfort level together. We've all been very much looking forward to getting back together. Lots of anticipation.

 

Once we got to the room and the play got started, the other Mr. soon lost his erection once he and I got started. He was struggling with it and trying not to show frustration. I asked him what he'd like, and he said me on top. We started that but it just wasn't working out, so I did what any smart woman would - slowing it down a bit, giving oral, going with the flow. Even that wasn't working for him, and he was getting really tense about the erection problem (frustrated, probably embarrassed). Meanwhile, my hubby and the other wife were at full throttle. I love watching this, and if I wasn't so worried about other Mr. and what I should do, I would have been enjoying the view much more. Suddenly, I was at a loss there as to what to do -- I felt somehow I was supposed to "do something", like it was my responsibility to solve the problem or come up with what to do next, but I was kind of stymied there. I'd already tried what I knew and that hadn't helped.

 

Fortunately, my husband (he's really in-tune when it counts - he's not a bag of hammers) seemed to realize my dilemma at the very moment I didn't know what to do for the other Mr. My hubby took the initiative discreetly to change things around, coming back to me and letting the other Mr. go back to his wife. I was so relieved! I was having fun now, and the other couple was working it out - he suddenly didn't have the problem when back with his wife.

 

Later, the play continued to switch around different ways, including me giving him oral to completion. That earlier try was the end of it for the evening of him trying to get inside me and maintain an erection. I sense that he is still frustrated and embarrassed by his inability to "complete his mission". Again, I'm wondering if it's my "job" to say something to make it right? We already both wrote nice notes to them about what a great time we had, how awesome they are, etc.

 

Q: Women, how do you handle these situations? If what you try doesn't work in helping him get an erection, what then? Men, if you've ever been in this situation as the guy, what do you expect the woman to do - or hope she will do? Everybody -- how much responsibility do I have to try to make things work out for him? How do I know how much to try, or when to quit? Or, should a woman in my position just simply wait for the man to indicate what to do next and not try to do anything?

 

Since it worked out just fine for him when he went back to his wife, I'm guessing the reason it wasn't working with me would be nerves, anticipation, performance anxiety, or some other non-physical reason would be the cause of it? He made comments about my husband's endurance, stamina, etc. a few times - could this have anything to do with it?? (It wasn't alcohol and it wasn't really late.) Any wisdom/experiences on this appreciated.

Well, I've been in this other guy place myself. I still often do, until feeling confortable enough.

 

There are many reasons involved, one is the use of condoms (that I dont use with my wife), the anxiety, distractive factors... but at last, this isn't something that should concern my partner.

 

I start by warning this may happen to me, to ensure this is "acceptable", to know if the lady is up to keep having fun in some other way, because by knowing it'd be ok it helps me with my anxiety, and because I want her to know there is nothing wrong with HER (at last, to avoid her own anxiety to add up with mine should this happens).

 

Once in the middle of the action, if I lose my erection (this often happens when I -or she- start dealing with the condom), I don't allow it to change my attitude towards what's going on. I keep using what I was using before, my fingers and tonge, and try to please her (I enjoy very much pleasing my partner, for me the orgsm is a plus but not something I pursue to have). It happens to me that once I realize she's having fun anyway and enjoying the moment, my friend start responding again (and even if i lost my erection while putting on the condom, I leave the condom right there as to avoid having to deal with the same again, once my friend start reacting).

 

It is important to me to reasure my partner it's my private issue, that she have nothing to do about it. It's pointless to be anxious the two of us, and if she feel pressed because of this, I know for sure I wont be able to regain an erection because I'll feel even more anxious, for her as well as for myself.

 

This was an advice I got from a couple friend of us since the very begining. The guy told me it took more than a year for him to get rid of the anxiety, and his wife told me the worst thing regarding these issues is to turn them into a drama. Then I try to prevent the drama by means of warning beforehand, and avoid it in the middle of the game.

 

The interesting thing about this is that most of the couples we played with, even when I lost my erection and was unable to penetrate the lady, where up to play with us again, so I guess I manage to make it worth besides of my friend performance.

Men, if you've ever been in this situation as the guy, what do you expect the woman to do - or hope she will do?

When I was a very young man, my erections were predictable...I always had one, whether I wanted it or not...and women were fickle. It seemed that no matter how well I treated a woman, some would enter, then leave my life for no apparent reason.

 

A few decades have passed, and the situation has since reversed. Now, women are predictable...I always seem to have one, whether I want one or not...while my erections sometimes enter then leave my life for no apparent. Sometimes, I know there's likely to be a problem. Stress, being preoccupied with other things, not being attracted to the other person in the first place, etc., all bode ill for the legendary "Blue-veiner." But other times, I AM attracted to the other person, I AM looking forward to having sex with them, and everything else in my life IS going well, when suddenly and without warning, my erection will simply go away. It leaves without warning, in much the same way a cat will jump off your lap and leave the room. Nothing will bring it back, and trust me, Darlin', I've had some extremely talented women try.

 

Usually, the best way to deal with it is NOT to deal with it, and to focus my attentions on my partner instead. I've found that as soon as I stop worring about not having an erection...I start getting one.

 

Since it worked out just fine for him when he went back to his wife, I'm guessing the reason it wasn't working with me would be nerves, anticipation, performance anxiety, or some other non-physical reason would be the cause of it? He made comments about my husband's endurance, stamina, etc. a few times - could this have anything to do with it??

Very possibly. If I were already having performance issues, then looked over and saw some guy riding my wife like a cheap dirt bike, I'd probably lose my enthusiasm for the whole thing, too.

 

Being a good lover is 50% learning how to please another, and 50% learning how to be pleased by another. Don't beat yourself up too much over this...at the very worst, it's only half your fault.

Don't beat yourself up too much over this...at the very worst, it's only half your fault.

 

Thanks, but I'm not beating myself up at all and I don't think it's my "fault". Not that it's his fault, either -- it's just what happened. It's going to happen sometimes, especially in our age group - over 40. My question is really about being the woman in my position - what is expected of me at that point, what should I do to handle this (if anything), when the man is getting frantic about trying to deal with his erection, trying to make it happen.

 

My husband told me later that I'm hard to get into unless the man is fully erect, where the other man's wife is easy to get into only semi-hard. Maybe this is part of the reason why he could regain an erection when he went back to his wife. Also, the factor of not using a condom with her, plus the comfort/familiarity factor.

 

I've been thinking about it and so far, it seems the best way to handle it is to do what we did - when my husband came back to me and left the couple to manage this together. My hubby and I didn't plan this out, it just worked that way (thanks to him) - but I'm thinking this may be the way to consciously handle it should it happen again. Have others here experienced it this way, and does this work best? Thanks!

Thanks, but I'm not beating myself up at all and I don't think it's my "fault". Not that it's his fault, either -- it's just what happened. It's going to happen sometimes, especially in our age group - over 40.

 

 

I hate to say this, but it isn't just the age. I am in my early 30s and well this happens to me quite frequently, even if I have medical help...

 

For me I approach is very similar to how Serenieders has described. Before any playdate is set, I speak with the lady and explain that I have been known to have issues and to just go with it. Sometimes if I ignore it and just concentrate on the lady things work out, sometimes they don't. As longs as she is having a good time and isn't upset about it, I have learned not to stress over it.

 

We have figured out for me that it appears to be a combination of two things, one the condom (I hate them) and two if it is a new partner, then it takes a few play dates for me to be comfortable with the lady. Some things that seem to help me out in this situation also is to do just what you guys did. Sometimes I will go back to MrsVan and spend some time with her. Sometimes I can have a short session with her without a condom and then once I am going, she can put the condom on and the other lady and I can resume play. This isn't the best situation but sometimes it works. This is yet another reason we play same room only and as close together as possible.

 

From my perspective, I don't ever expect the lady to do anything to "fix" the problem. If it isn't working, I will usually say so and then just go back to pleasing her and see where nature takes us.

 

-Van

From my perspective, I don't ever expect the lady to do anything to "fix" the problem. If it isn't working, I will usually say so and then just go back to pleasing her and see where nature takes us.

 

-Van

 

That's great! Thanks for sharing.

 

It sounds like you have your plan of action well thought-out in advance, so you know how you'll manage things if they should go that way. That would have been great, if the guy we were with had switched gears and went with some kind of solution he could be comfortable with, rather than spiraling down and getting more and more frantic. It left me feeling like I was holding the bag and not sure where to go with it. I'm glad that when I looked at my hubby, he changed the scenario around for all our sakes.

I believe this guy problem had to do with the "surprise factor". I mean, either he knew this may happen and didn't told you before, or he didn't knew but happend. The problem is aroused when this become unconfortable enough for the players as for someone to quit playing, which at last is what happend: you switched back partners.

 

I've seen couples where the guy make jokes about these issues, whenever he actually had a problem before or not, just to loosen it up and open the door for the other guy to talk about it. IMHO this is a wise approach, since the other guy feels these issues as acceptable, if he had them before, is able to warn beforehand and then to agree in a confortable way to deal with the problem for both parties as to keep the ball rolling. And often this confort level is enough to even avoid the problem at all.

I believe this guy problem had to do with the "surprise factor". I mean, either he knew this may happen and didn't told you before, or he didn't knew but happend. The problem is aroused when this become unconfortable enough for the players as for someone to quit playing, which at last is what happend: you switched back partners.

 

Thanks sereneiders! The guy does have some issues with ED. He and his wife explained it all in depth the first time, months ago. We really didn't need all of that explanation, as it was a non-issue to us...we are fully okay with it and with working with it. We've assured them it's totally fine by us. They've always seemed comfortable and at ease with us.

 

But in the moment, at this occasion last weekend during our "reunion", he got all panicky and made me pretty uncomfortable. Not by his ED, but by his reaction to it. Everything shifted quickly and went on smoothly from there, but the guy wasn't the one making the transition.

 

I thought this might actually be pretty common, and that other women here must have been in this same position with an upset man, a time or two.

I have heard this called "LDS" -- Loyal Dick Syndrome, a problem that only the wife can seem to cure.

You have no obligation, other than trying what you did. Your husband is a great person, I commend that action. He came to rescue you, and gave the jump starting job to the real responsable party.

Some times, I hear the husband does not come to the rescue, leaving the wife in troble. Off course he has to enjoy, but, your husband did well. My concern is always my female partners enjoyment.

I have heard this called "LDS" -- Loyal Dick Syndrome, a problem that only the wife can seem to cure.

 

Interesting, I haven't heard this term! But, it makes perfect sense.

You have no obligation, other than trying what you did. Your husband is a great person, I commend that action. He came to rescue you, and gave the jump starting job to the real responsible party.

Sometimes, I hear the husband does not come to the rescue, leaving the wife in trouble. Off course he has to enjoy, but, your husband did well. My concern is always my female partners enjoyment.

 

Thanks pinquita, I was commending my husband for this the next day, too. It wasn't even something we'd thought out and discussed in advance. He just saw what was happening (and noticed very quickly/keenly), and very smoothly solved it with no prodding whatsoever. He was "smack in the middle of things" when he made all these observations and the transition, too....which makes him even more commendable, to me! He's my hero, and this is another notch on his hero record, with me. I'll have him read what you wrote about him.

This past Saturday, we got together with this couple, again. We're very friendly, we stay in touch regularly, and have known each other/played together for almost a year now.

 

There was some awkwardness again this time, because the other Mr. deals with ED and it seems to be getting worse, especially in his head. Last time (told in link above), he couldn't get it up with me and got all frantic and panicky about it (which embarrassed me). My hubby saved the day by paying attention, quickly and smoothly switching back to me, and letting other Mrs. deal with her Mr.'s panic and issue. It worked out fine, because they kept going, and so did we. We didn't have any subsequent conversation about that. My hubby and I felt his having ED with me was no big deal..."stuff happens". We were just uncomfortable with his reaction.

 

But I could tell this time, there had been much discussion and concern about it between themselves since the last time. There were murmurings between them, the other Mrs. coaxing him, etc. Before that, when other Mr. and I started kissing, he felt like a ball of nerves and was literally shaking. Again, awkward for me. He's not been a real good kisser especially when nervous like this - he's one of those snake-tongue guys that's more tongue than lips (turn-off) - so I whispered to him a few times, "less tongue", and it got better. I don't like to have to instruct on things like kissing, but what else can you do? The kissing has to be good or decent for me to even get turned-on. He thanked me though, and said he wanted me to tell him things so he could do it the way I wanted. Other than that, I had to ask him to give head softer in order for me to come, which I did with ease, and he got lighter with the pressure with much "success".

 

The sex switched back and forth different ways, with lots of interesting and fun positions, a little girl-girl show that the guys really enjoyed, etc. My hubby and other Mrs. had been at it different times/ways already, and between hubby and me (he realllly has stamina), but other Mr. hadn't attempted any penetration with me after quite some time in the room. I was just going with the flow of the moment, no real concern or thoughts about it. But, this is when the coaxing/murmuring became apparent, and other Mrs. seemed to be "talking him into it", to penetrate me. (Made me feel a little awkward, but I blew it off.)

 

After the coaxing by his Mrs., he entered me from behind, while my hubby went behind other Mrs., she and I holding hands. We each had the view of our own husbands behind the other, which was very sexy (hubby and I love it best when we can see each other - very hot). Other Mr. has some kind of pump device and a ring, so he can obtain an erection and then hold onto it with the ring. I've never seen it up close, they keep it in a bag and the lights are dim, but they've used it since the first time we were with them. He seems to try everything to not use the pump, but if he does, he "works" just fine. Again, of no real consequence to me, one way or the other. He was using it this time. So, in the doggie position, we all four were having a great time. Other Mr. came really hard and long while penetrating me, one of those very drawn-out orgasms that lasts at least a full minute! I certainly thought this would cause him to feel much better about everything (successful). It was very obvious he really enjoyed that (he was very verbal).

 

Other than all the insecurity stuff, it seemed like a great time was had by all, and we certainly enjoyed it very much -- other than the fact that we feel we have to coddle them both with their insecurities. We thought that the way things went, they'd gotten a bolster and both would have felt real good about things. The other issue is other Mrs.' body-image issue. She's lost a good bit of weight, has sagging skin more than before she lost the weight, and is highly conscious of it now. Again, of no consequence to us whatsoever, and we keep making it clear by words and actions. However, we feel we need to go out of our way to bolster her, offer lots of compliments, etc. We both did that for her on Saturday.

 

On Sunday, I wrote a little note as we usually do after, letting them know what a great time we had and how "hot" the night was. Other Mr. wrote back, apologizing about his ED, and saying he's "struck out" with us twice in a row now. Struck out???? He seemed to be having an amazing time in me, made lots of exclamations about the tightness and feel, and came like a madman. How is that striking out?? At least other Mrs. felt great (and accepted), according to what he wrote us. **sigh**

 

Hubby and I are getting weary with the drama. He told me he had the thought that "he needs to find me a good man". We both laughed at how that sounded! I told him that I have a good man.

 

We're debating how to answer this email, and haven't, yet. We consider this couple to be friends we've made. We enjoy all our time with them, in and out of the bedroom (dinners, dancing, etc), so we care about them and their feelings. But, how hard do we have to "work" to prove to them they're acceptable as they are? We hope they just get over themselves and learn to relax with people they SAY they're very comfortable being with.

 

What would YOU do?

Get them to read what you have written here,you have gone out of your ways to help them and they are still insecure! well i cant see it getting better unless they stop worrying about minor things and get on with what everyone so very obviously enjoyed!!

 

Maybe you should give him a small trophy for best fuck just to make him happy!! (only joking)

 

 

Steve

Maybe you should give him a small trophy for best fuck just to make him happy!!

 

LOL!!!!!!!

 

I picture the little golden guy on top of the trophy, sporting an erection.

If it were us? It would depend on how much we enjoyed their company out of bed. If they were really good friends (which I kinda doubt since you all are still feeling uncomfortable with each other), we'd give it another go, since it seems to be all about nervousness. If they were just marginally friends, I think maybe we'd tell them that all though we can be friends, we're not compatible....yadda, yadda, yadda....

 

We don't like people who are constantly fishing for compliments or make a big deal about things that may happen during the course of swinging. To me, the bottom line is do you think this is temporary while you get more aquainted or do you see this happening again and again? That would give us our answer.

 

Pepper

LOL!!!!!!!

 

I picture the little golden guy on top of the trophy, sporting an erection.

 

 

The Golden Phallus Award? I can see Hollywood getting on board with this! Limos! Red carpets! Starlets in designer dresses! Celebrity MCs! I see opportunity here, anyone with a few million front money wanna help out? We can all get rich and retire!

 

 

Chip

Funny Chip n Muffy!

 

Update: We emailed them. I drafted something up, hubby and I went over it together, and he thought it was perfect. It's very straight-forward.

 

We do all get along great and always have the best times together, aside from this problem. Hubby and I would like to keep their friendship and are willing to move backward to soft swing with them, or even just see them socially. We are comfortable with them and they are comfortable with us, except regarding this one issue. And that's his discomfort with his ED overshadowing the whole foursome.

 

So, we're putting it in their ballpark and see where they want to hit the ball.

Sounds like the perfect way to handle it both honest and sensitive at the same time...well done. I hope they understand and respond in kind.

Funny Chip n Muffy!

 

Update: We emailed them. I drafted something up, hubby and I went over it together, and he thought it was perfect. It's very straight-forward.

 

We do all get along great and always have the best times together, aside from this problem. Hubby and I would like to keep their friendship and are willing to move backward to soft swing with them, or even just see them socially. We are comfortable with them and they are comfortable with us, except regarding this one issue. And that's his discomfort with his ED overshadowing the whole foursome.

 

So, we're putting it in their ballpark and see where they want to hit the ball.

 

Good luck, Tybee Swing! I'm following your thread with interest. We have played twice with a couple whom we like very much. The gentleman has had ED problems both times. Next time we see them, I'm going to get Mr. Fuse to do what your husband did the first time and see if it helps. Thanks for posting about that.

 

They don't have the drama you described, but the guy seems to have self-image issues, or doesn't think he's good enough or something. This is completely unfounded from my point of view. I have no idea why a charming, gorgeous guy would feel that way, but that's another subject entirely...We've all agreed that next time, we need lots of social time before we play. I'm relaxed about the situation, because I have a good time regardless -- I just want him to be able to enjoy himself too! He said a few things that indicate this happens to him with a new playmate, and it just requires time for him to stop being nervous.

 

Please let us know how your situation turns out!

We had this problem with our friends. They were close friends, so we decided to take a break from swinging with them. After over a year, we have started back with girl/girl, but my wife wants nothing to do with him. He always got real upset with his ED which cause my wife to dislike him. He was also always full of drama when we played.

Good luck, Tybee Swing! I'm following your thread with interest. We have played twice with a couple whom we like very much. The gentleman has had ED problems both times. Next time we see them, I'm going to get Mr. Fuse to do what your husband did the first time and see if it helps. Thanks for posting about that.

 

They don't have the drama you described, but the guy seems to have self-image issues, or doesn't think he's good enough or something. This is completely unfounded from my point of view. I have no idea why a charming, gorgeous guy would feel that way, but that's another subject entirely...We've all agreed that next time, we need lots of social time before we play. I'm relaxed about the situation, because I have a good time regardless -- I just want him to be able to enjoy himself too! He said a few things that indicate this happens to him with a new playmate, and it just requires time for him to stop being nervous.

 

Please let us know how your situation turns out!

 

Thanks, Fuse! I appreciate it. I don't feel so alone when others here can relate.

 

This guy seems to have self-image problems due to the ED, too - like he's not good enough, inadequate, holding everybody back. Like you said about the guy you know, this man is socially charming, fun, handsome, tall, athletic. He IS holding things back, but it's NOT the ED doing it, it's his panic and his reactions to the ED. He can't help ED and has to work with it or around it (I understand). But, he certainly could help (and change) his own outlook and how he chooses to react -- especially in mixed company.

 

I think he compares himself with my husband in a negative way, more reflection on bad self-image with him. He's constantly calling him the stud, saying he needs to get lessons from him, how he admires him, things like that. I think that makes my hubby a little uncomfortable. I think there is a package comparison going on as well in this guy's mind - my hubby is bigger, and much bigger in girth. But hey, differences are to be expected in the Lifestyle, correct? He has to get over it and deal with it.

 

In the email, I said in several different ways that it wasn't the ED, it was his reaction to it and how that makes others uncomfortable. I knew he'd have to hear it every way I could say it, or his warped perspective would only hear, "my ED is screwing everything up". So, I really tried to communicate this very well - that it wasn't the ED, it was his responses (nerves, panic, frantic behavior, not snapping out of it and just moving on with something else).

 

He wrote back thanking us for the honesty, apologizing profusely. He said this: "I was so uptight about holding the fun back and causing everyone else to lose the fire of the moment that I panicked. I was not speaking of the night as a total strike out, it was my feeling that I had thrown ice on a great night."

 

Still, a warped perspective, because the action never stopped except for brief moments (naturally), and this man came twice - and hard! Once in his wife, once in me with a condom. How can a 40+ man think this was a strike-out and he messed up the evening??????? I am completely baffled by the way he thinks of it. His attitude is really turning me off.

 

They want to continue as we have been, not rolling it back to soft or just social. He said: "I let my male ego and fixation on a personal trouble spot create tension no one needs. We understand that no one needs drama and trouble in an adult relationship. It is supposed to be drama free and exciting. So forgive me and lets have fun."

 

It's not about "forgiveness" - geez. It's about trying to figure out where we can all be comfortable, together. I don't see him becoming instantly confident, relaxed and fun about everything just overnight.

 

Thoughts, anybody? I think we need to roll back to at least soft with this couple and give it some time.

We had this problem with our friends. They were close friends, so we decided to take a break from swinging with them. After over a year, we have started back with girl/girl, but my wife wants nothing to do with him. He always got real upset with his ED which cause my wife to dislike him. He was also always full of drama when we played.

 

Thanks for sharing this, 2nten. I agree with the need for a break.

 

Question for you: since the time in the past when he would get so upset in the moment when swinging before, have you learned if he's got a better grip on it now? Has he learned to not get so upset in the swinging setting?

He would get really upset when ED happen, but is a cool guy otherwise. We have only had one experience in the last cpl of years, after him getting upset like 4 or 5 times in a row, and it was just girl/girl. He did not get upset then, but he was only with his wife. My wife really wants nothing to do with him sexually, because of his reaction and not the ED. I don't think we will ever full swap with them again, but never know. Good luck with this and remember friends are more important than swing partners.

I'd give it a couple more times and see how the situation plays out. If he continues to make everyone uncomfortable, then you know what you have to do. If it's just a momentary glitch, he will get through it. We all have more drama in our minds than what is actually happening. If you enjoy them, give it a little time.

 

Good luck!

Thanks, lovedoctor. Due to his reactions both in the bedroom (2 months now) and his email responses, it's just all very uncomfortable and we (hubby and I) decided to pull it back to friendship, fun, flirting, and if the mood strikes, soft swing. Maybe this will take the pressure off of him enough that he'll have time to get comfortable again. We don't know if he'll ever get over the stress that goes on in his head, but regardless, pulling it back should solve the problem, we feel. At least, between us and them. He'll have his own personal problem-solving to do.

Tybee,

It looks like you and hubby have decided how to handle your situation, but I thought I would throw in my two cents for anyone else. I have been in your friend's position, that is, experiecing ED in swinging situations. ED can be caused by physical or mental issues or both. A man who is experiencing ED on more than an issolated basis should get the physical checked out by a sex friendly Doctor. Assuming that it does not arise from a physical issue then it is mental. There are so many possibilites of what mental issues are causing it that one can't guess. He may or may not know. Now he can deal with that with therapy or in some other manner. But his worying about "is it or is it not" going to work is a sure way for it not to work. It is like my telling you to not think about an elephant - you immediately think about an elephant. So telling him not to think about it or worry about it doesn't prevent his from doing so and the problem gets worse not better. Now I have been through all of that. So here is my advice based on what I think would work for me if I were him. For the four of you to sit down and talk about what "YOU" want from him. From reading your posts I get that you enjoyed the penetration, but it was not necessary for you to enjoy playing with him. If that is correct tell him. Tell him that no one should plan on his penetrating you or getting hard. The two of you should plan on it being oral and whatever else gets you and he off. He apparantly listens to you and wants to do it the way you like it (Which may be different from some other lady he has been with). He is still going to feel like he is failing you and, you can give him a real gift, if you let him know he is not and that he is a good lover, etc. Or if penetration is important to you, tell him you want him to bring the pump and teach you how to use it to get him up. If you and your hubby treat it like it is no big deal and you are not judging him, then, in time, he will stop worrying about it and it may arise on it's on and you may just find him penetrating you when your were not expecting it.

Sorry for the long post, and I hope this helps you are others in a similar situation.

JM

Hi JM,

 

Thank your for your thoughtful reply. What you suggested is just exactly the way hubby and I have handled the communicating. We've told them that we value the friendship and fun we have with them, we're not stopping anything, just stepping back to the way it was the first time we were together, soft swing and fun times in general (we really enjoy going out and socializing with this couple, too). This was all to take the erection pressure off of him and make it just fun, for everybody.

 

Still, he's misunderstanding and not taking it very well. In his last email he said:

 

"I had no idea that my attempt to be honest and communicate my feelings and frustration would be so devastating. My purpose was to be just that open. I did not mean to make you uncomfortable to the point that we put the breaks on our adult encounters. I must apologize for creating this situation."

 

We don't feel that taking things back a notch with the play, but continuing, should be considered "devastating". I feel his response to this is dramatic. I made it light and easy (like it's just a slight shift, no big deal, and can go back to full in the future). We've told him every which way how we enjoy him/them, and we're not cutting things off. Also, he doesn't get it that it's not that he said something about the ED, it's how he was in the room when we were all together...totally stressed out, panicky, sweating with nerves, etc. We already knew there was a problem that was uncomfortable for everybody (not the ED; his feelings). He didn't have to tell us. We would have brought it up if he hadn't. But, now he's apologizing for ever bringing it up.

 

We haven't replied to this, yet. It feels like beating a dead horse, trying to convince him this isn't "devastating" to our friendship and fun, etc. He seems to be so dramatic about it.

 

Also, he DID perform sexually the last time we were together. The man had intercourse with two women (me and his wife), and came twice within a couple of hours. There are younger men who would envy this. And still he thinks he's inadequate, or something??? This is just confusing and dramatic, to me. The more dramatic he is about it, the less inclined I am to want to be with him in the future.

 

Any thoughts about this?

 

Thanks!

This has to be frustrating to you. Many would say this is way too much drama and he is too caught up in his feelings of inadequacy to try to play with.

 

I think his mindset is that if he doesn't get it up he is a failure in pleasing you. He is embarrassed and thinks that you really are not being truthful. That maybe the real reason you are inviting them to continue is you want to play with his wife or for some reason other than him. Of course, this is not very rational (as you say he did get off twice and you got off as well) and if he is a logical rational person he is going to realize that soft swing is inconsistent with just wanting his wife. I know in my case, I have a belief that while I am great with my hands and do a wonderful job with oral, at the end of the day it is my sword that women want. So when it doesn't work I am going to think (and in some case accurately) I leave her wanting. So if a woman says "it doesn't matter, it happens, etc." -- that sort of thing -- I want to believe her - but I don't. I have had a few in that situation that kept inviting us back and indicating that they wanted to play with me -- consistent with what they said - not what I thought! After awhile I have to think, "OK this woman doesn't really need the penetration to have fun" and when my second head begins to believe she doens't care about him- and the pressure is off he says I want to play too. I don't understand how this works, but I can put so much pressure on myself that I guarantee failure and then it becomes a self fulfiling prophecy. And of course we don't know what his wife is saying to him. She may be helping or demanding. If she is telling him things like "We are not going to be able to swing unless you get it up" then the poor guy is probably doomed. I think you have done what you can.

 

If I were in your situation and wanted to give it one more try, I would invite them over to play the same as before (full swap - same bed) with no expectations of penetration and tell him that whether he gets it up or not doesn't matter, but if he starts appologizing then you are going to throw his ass out. Tell him he has nothing to appologize for and your tired of hearing it. Hope this is helpful in this frustrating situation and he is fortunate he has run into such a caring couple.

 

JM

 

PS: We do have a couple who we play with where he has to be at the other end of the house. If he can even hear his wife he is too distracted to perform. The thing is you don't really know what is going on in his head at the time and he isn't telling you. Perhaps you can extend the offer to full, soft, same room, different parts of house - but appologize and your out. Let them choose.

JM, I appreciate hearing your advice as an insider to a situation like we have.

 

How does it work best for you? Sounds like you're still swinging and doing fine with it.

 

I think that part of their urgency with keeping it going with us, is that we're all they've got for now. They prefer a close friends thing, almost exclusivity - we've always known this - but that's not our style. We're not committing to anybody but each other, and we play with others. (We are honest about this.) But, we're the only other fish in their pond for now.

 

I like what you said about telling him to stop apologizing, or it's over. We'll think about this. However, the whole idea of having to "train" him how to behave when we swing isn't very appealing to me.

 

Thanks!

JM, I appreciate hearing your advice as an insider to a situation like we have.

 

How does it work best for you? Sounds like you're still swinging and doing fine with it.

 

We are still swinging and I am learning to cope with it. With me it is a hit or miss thing. I never know what is going to happen. I have ruled out physical problems, so it's all in my head. That's why pills don't help me. I have tried to understand the WHY and can't say I really know. There are diferent theories I have come up with, but I think the most likely reason is the importance I place on being successful. Ms.JM and I eally enjoy swinging and our play partners really enjoy her and I don't want to be the reason they don't want to play with us. Therefore, my being "good" is very important to me and the more I worry the more there is reason to worry. So I try to adopt the attitude of the song "Be Happy, Don't Worry" When I can it works and when I can't it doesn't. That is why the woman's reassurance is important. If I can stop worrying and relax I am OK.

 

As to specifics, three on one woman and two woman on one man can be a lot of fun and takes some of the pressure of the one on one off.

 

I think that part of their urgency with keeping it going with us, is that we're all they've got for now. They prefer a close friends thing, almost exclusivity -

 

With this guy since your the only game in town - pleasing you takes on more importance. Maybe the reason they want to play with only one couple is because of his fear of rejection. Of course, there are many other reasons why couples choose to play with only one couple.

 

I like what you said about telling him to stop apologizing, or it's over. We'll think about this. However, the whole idea of having to "train" him how to behave when we swing isn't very appealing to me.

 

That's why you are a saint. It is not very appealing, but can be a wonderful gift. And even if you decide it is just too much for you, you still will be a saint for even caring

 

Please keep us informed and if you can share any insights I know I will appreciate them.

JM

JM, your insight is very helpful to me. I appreciate it! I will keep you posted.

 

Thanks,

M & C

I don't know what to tell you girl. Are ya'll their friends or their frickin therapists? See, I don't have patience for all that. Here I am, having a good time, and you've got all of these issues. This lifestyle is so much about fantasy and freedom, I personally would not be able to handle all of those hangups....plus, her body image issues would probably cause me to fee self conscious about myself. Uh uh. I would suggest that they get it together, and then go from there. But, thats just my opinion.

I don't know what to tell you girl. Are ya'll their friends or their frickin therapists? See, I don't have patience for all that. Here I am, having a good time, and you've got all of these issues.

 

Shelly, I agree with you on this. I'm not their therapist, and I definitely don't want to be. Hubby and I were talking about this yesterday quite a bit. It's our feeling that a lot of people are in the lifestyle for their own ego-based reasons, to get something out of it that's not about just sex and having fun....such as, getting assurance from others outside their marriage that they're desirable as a person, they're a stud (men), they're a desirable vixen (women), and much more.

 

With another couple we've been getting to know, she seems to be constantly looking for compliments and longing to be desired, "wanting to be wanted", looking for a regular dose of verbal accolades. That bores me, too. In fact, this couple hangs around the Lifestyle on a very regular basis but they rarely actually have sex with people. I think their involvement is driven by her, for ego-based reasons. She's mainly a flirt longing for attention.

 

We wish there was an on-premise club near us. There are none anywhere near us, and going there would mean a weekend trip at least a few hours away in any direction, and great expense. But, we feel like in the club setting, there would be FAR less drama to deal with. People who go to clubs like this are probably there more for the fun than for getting their "emotional" needs met. Personally, I feel like people should get those needs met from their own marriages, family relationships, etc. and leave most of that out of the Lifestyle.

 

My husband and I are very nice people. I'm beginning to wonder if we're too nice, and that's drawing emotionally needy people to us.

 

Hugs!

Tybee,

 

Well I know I am getting in on this just a bit late here, and JM has offered some great advice and insight into the other husbands mind, but I did have a quick question. Is this couple new to the lifestyle? I apologize if you stated this already but I couldn't find it.

 

Your story sounds so similar to ours that I actually had to see if you were from Ohio.

 

We are still newbies ourselves, but when we met our first regular couple back in February, I experienced ED quite frequently with the other wife. We went thru a bunch of discussions both between MrsVan and I and us with the other couple. They kept saying very similar things to us that you have been saying to your other couple and I had very similar issues. I wondered for quite some time if they were being honest or if they were just saying these things because they both really enjoyed playing with MrsVan and knew it would only occur if I was around.

 

Needless to say, we owe alot to this couple. They were very patient with both of us and we still see them on a regular basis. Things have finally gotten back to normal for me as I got comfortable being around her and after I finally just got over my own insecurities. I will say that I still have issues whenever we meet a new couple or lady and it sometimes even occurs the 2nd time around. So I am just upfront about it and explain that things will be fine as I get more comfortable.

 

For us, with this other couple, it really helped that we really get along just on a social basis. So I think they really wanted to make things work as much as you appear to want to make things work. The only thing you can do is decide if the couple are worth the effort. Maybe eventually he will get to the point that he will realize that you don't have anything to gain by saying such nice things to him. Why would you need to lie? You must have a great husband, and you have said you have other friends, so if he knows this, he should eventually realize that your comments are sincere.

 

I sure hope you can work things out with them. For us, I just hope that some day, we are able to provide such a learning experience as our couple provided for us.

 

-Van

With another couple we've been getting to know, she seems to be constantly looking for compliments and longing to be desired, "wanting to be wanted", looking for a regular dose of verbal accolades. That bores me, too. In fact, this couple hangs around the Lifestyle on a very regular basis but they rarely actually have sex with people. I think their involvement is driven by her, for ego-based reasons. She's mainly a flirt longing for attention.

 

Wow, this couple must get tired making the commute between Savannah and Gulf Shores, because we know them too!! Seriously, you're not along in encountering couples who are a drain on your emotional resources. They're fishing for compliments. They're telling you how much "play" they get. They're telling you how many sls hits they get on their profile. And on, and on, and on.....

 

My husband and I are very nice people. I'm beginning to wonder if we're too nice, and that's drawing emotionally needy people to us.

Un huh....We fell into that. If we were at a social, we'd spend our time ducking and dodging nice people whose feelings we didn't want to hurt. We found ourselves in uncomfortable situations because we just didn't know how to say, 'we like you, but not enough to play with you.' But, after one too many nights when we didn't have a good time because we didn't want someone else not to have a good time, we said, "screw this!". We're going to tell people (as nicely and graceously as possible) that we enjoy them as just friends. It's MUCH better. Swinging is a lot more fun when you're not worrying about what emotional breakdown will befall the other couple that night.

 

Pepper

Is this couple new to the lifestyle?

 

Hi Van, thanks for all your comments. This couple isn't new to the lifestyle, they've been around it a lot longer than we have. My hubby and I are about 2 years into it, and the other couple is several years into it.

 

The situation we're in with this couple has been opposite yours, because it started out comfortable with them over a year ago, and then only recently has gotten so weird with him. My hubby and I were on a 6-month hiatus where we weren't playing for medical reasons (we both had surgeries in the winter). We stayed in touch with this couple and remained friends, went out a couple of times during this time, and all was fine. It wasn't until the first time we got together for sex after the hiatus, in May, that he got so freaked out. This was repeated in June, and then all the emailing about him "striking out", etc. etc. But remember, he was performing sexually. Using his pump and all, it was working. But he was a nervous wreck in the room, and then all these dramatic comments from him in emails. So in our case, he seems to be going backwards. You'd think with people he's been involved with for over a year, he could wind down by now and relax.

Tybee, we know the feelings about the clubs. We've been in the Savannah Area for 7 years now, and it's had it's ups and downs.

 

We don't know if we know some of the same couples, but we've met a few with some of the same problems. ED for the male (occasionally) and the uncertainty about looks or the fishing for compliments by the females.

 

It's certainly not about being too nice. If it's in your nature to be the nurturing kind, then that is the way you are. Make no apologies for that, it is who you are and part of what makes you so special.

 

Dave can understand how a guy might feel in the ED situation, especially if it's something that is new, or if things were going good and something happened. A bit of fear/anxiety of whether or not things will continue after, if there will be a next time. That plus some amount of embarrasment about the whole thing might make someone go a little over the deep end on reaction, especially if you really like someone.

 

If you truly like them for who they are, well, sometimes we have to take the good and the bad together. Just hopefully the good parts outweigh the bad parts.

Hi Dave Kat, it's nice to meet somebody local! I'm sure you understand how lacking the scene is in this town.

 

It's possible we could know some of the same people, the swing community here is pretty small! In your profile it says that you are polyamorists. Do you go to Lifestyle socials, etc.? Or, do you look for special couples who are likeminded toward polyamory through profiles?

 

I understand what you're saying about Dave relating to the guy's fear/anxiety, embarrasment, etc. I'm sure the guys can relate to this more than the women can (as it relates to ED). But still, it seems like if the guy wants to move forward at all and continue in the Lifestyle, he's going to need to learn to get a grip on his feelings/emotions/stresses, and find a way to cope with it and/or manage it.

We're interested in polyamory, we enjoy longer term relationships with those with whom we play, but also do enjoy just a get down have fun party. We're kinda in between on that one. Let's just say we prefer longer term open relationships to shorter term let's just have fun types. We seek others we are attracted to personality wise.

 

As far as what we look for, it's the ability to get along as a group.

 

As far as him getting a grip on things, that comes with confidence and experience. The more a person experiences, the more they are able to handle all different kinds of issues that might come up. Time and patience are probably the only cures on that one. Wish we could say more than that.

My husband has had bouts with ED but it has more or less resolved itself and when we're with our threesome partner he always is very aroused when I'm being fucked by another man. I'm also involved with a married man that I see alone and that started out as an affair and it still is for him but my husband knows when I see him and after one of our encounters my husband always wants to take me to bed. The idea that I'm having sex with other men works better than Viagra for my hubby.

During treatment for another medical condition the dreaded ED raised it's head (or should that be it DIDN'T raise it's head), however my doctor proved absolutely marvellous in his way of dealing with it. Today the medication is freely available to overcome a lot of the reasons for ED and highly highly recomended is CIALIS 20mg Tadalifil tablets.

 

One tablet give anything up to 48 hrs of marvellous erections when sexually stimulated, with none of the mythical problems one often hears about of constant painful erections.

 

But, posting this information obviously goes hand in hand with advice to get your doctors advice and watch out for what you may buy on the web, there is a lot of junk out here and what is the point of taking the risk of buying crap when your own doctor will prescribe it.

You handled the matter with class so far, but even though you have let him off the hook, it might take a little time for him to process that new "head space" for himself. it isn't easy sometimes to come to grips with this, but this couple sounds like they are worth the effort.

 

I too sometimes have difficulty with ED andthe little blue pills usually solve that. Still, it is unavoidably demoralizing to have to factor ED into the proceedings. When it happens to me, I just try to find alternative ways to please my partner while not drawing unnecessary attention to the problem. In the end, by focusing on the pleasure and not the problem, pleasure wins the day.

I too sometimes have difficulty with ED andthe little blue pills usually solve that.

 

The little blue pills have been a godsend to many of us, and to anyone with a genuine need to use them - try Cialis, my doctor described it as "son of viagra" and it works in a subtly different way. Don't expect raging diamond cutter erections within a short time of taking it, it is a much more natural erection that is brought on by sexual stimulation, every bit as sustainable as with viagra as well. But here's the good one - it can work for up to 48 hrs on one tablet. So much more natural as well, and easy to ignore the fact you need to use medication.

The nice thing about having all the little pills these days is...you can overcome most of the issues related to ED...if it going to be one of those nights, I and I see it NOT starting to behave, excuse myself for a minute (have to go pee, get drinks etc..) pop a pill. Get back to the lovely kind lady, place my head between her legs for 20-30 minutes, back rub, butt rub and get what, then all is well...well almost. I do find the pills make it hard to cum..but then again, we can keep working at it much longer, so no complaints. Besides, if the lady figures out you did not cum, they come back for more...so I give my thanks to all those nice people who did all the research to come up with diffrent little ED pills.

 

Now if they will ever let the ladies version out of testing, we will see them running around, with with looks like nasal spray! Then we know we are all going to have a very good night!