Reaction to guys who can't get an erection

Just finished reading a thread about a fella who couldn't get an erection and it raised the question (no pun intended) How do you react when a guy can't get hard?

I've had it happen to me and the female didn't make a big deal out of it. It was terrible for me though. It seems like the more you try the the limper it gets.

I think the key, in my case anyway, is to aknowledge the problem and then concentrate on relaxing. The female can help me by assuring me it doesn't matter and just focus on having a good time. He usually comes out to play eventually.

I make it clear right from the start that it may take me a bit to get settled down in some ways and raised up in another.

Probably depends on the female but I think if they know what to expect, they don't feel any pressure to make it happen. It actually hasn't bothered any women we have played with and I use it as a good excuse to spend time to pleasure her in other ways. We've had quite a few guys it seems like who have jumped M and started humping after about the first minute. I don't like to do that and so so far on the first date with a couple, I couldn't do that if I wanted.

I've never had what I'd call a bad reaction from a swing partner but I think by explaining it upfront it takes the pressure off me and helps them know what to expect. If they have done much swinging, they have already seen it happen a time or two.

-D

well I know what I do at home with my hubby, we make the best of it and play and kiss his penis,gental touching and oral on him all over, he makes me cum with oral and playing, I love to be finger fucked it drives me wild. He still gets to feel good(meaning it will feel like he wants to cum,so it does feel good to him) a swinger's partner I would do the same, the most you can do to help him to relax and play with toys and make the most of what he has, most can get what I call a solf-hard can get inside me and move some before it gets solf again and he can still drive the lady crazy with foreplay and toys. My husband has been in this situation off and on and now with the last change in blood pressure meds, even after taking one of the "up" pills lol now he gets hard less and I want let him take another one he was different in his response to me the wife but the last 3som fmf he was able to respond and the extra excitment he had no problem. we tried the extra excitment in movies does not work at home, we are still trying to learn why he has this problems, it is more of a phyical problem, nerve damage in back scar tissue, we are still waiting a doctor appointments to fine out. Has anyone else out there taking "Levitra" had a problem with getting back they natural hard on after taking this drug?

we are still trying to learn why he has this problems, it is more of a phyical problem, nerve damage in back scar tissue, we are still waiting a doctor appointments to fine out.

 

Has anyone else out there taking "Levitra" had a problem with getting back they natural hard on after taking this drug?

twobears -

Great question.

Sometimes the "wonder" pills can come with an unseen price!

I hope you guys are able to get some answers. It sounds like you two have a very lovely understanding partnership!

I try as much as I can to "fix it", then when I realize it's not going to happen how I react really depends on how the guy reacts. If he gets all sulky and doesn't want to play anymore, fine... if he's still willing to play with what he has available then let's go!

I am glad that I re-found this thread.

As a woman I don't expect every man to be hard all the time. Afterall, we aren't all 17 anymore. It really doesn't bother me, and I will give it the ol' college try and see if I can assist. To answer hilltop... My reaction is that it is almost acceptable, and not insurmountable.

But, What do you do if you are playing and your playmate isn't hard while the wife and your husband are going at it. And you can't seem to do anything to help your playmate?

This has happened to me and I am unsure of what to do. Specifically, it seems the wife could care less that her husband isn't hard, and looks to me like it is my issue he isn't.

The playmate gets really embarrassed and frustrated, and he really tries pleasing me, but yet I am somewhat bothered that his wife could care less. And the less hard he is, the more she wants my husband.

Is that a double standard? Mr. Indy and I aren't going to play with this couple again, but it the question is still in my mind.... what do you do?

Lets turn this around a bit. I know how it makes me feel when it happens. I wonder what I have done wrong. Being that I am a newbie, and have never had the experience with another couple, it is one of my fears. I would wonder if he is not interested in me. Does this happen to other women?

Lets turn this around a bit. I know how it makes me feel when it happens. I wonder what I have done wrong. Being that I am a newbie, and have never had the experience with another couple, it is one of my fears. I would wonder if he is not interested in me. Does this happen to other women?

I've only had it happen to me a couple of times and the women always seemed to take it personally, I even had one ask me if it was because she just didn't turn me on. Their are so many things that can contribute to not being able to get it up, but at least in my case, it was never the womens fault. The problem is that if the woman does take it personally it is pretty much over. On the other hand if the woman has a good attitude about it and comes back with something like "let's do something else for a minute" then chances are the erection will happen on its own soon enough.

Great advice goodtimes!! Whenever I actually get the chance to participate, I will remember that.

Starlinn... I have also taken it personally. But then I had sorta the female version of it happen to me. After talking to Mr. Indy I understood.

Sometimes everything can be the cause. For me, I was hot, uncomfortable, distracted by the lights and the noise, and just not feeling it. I went in that room ready to go and went out ready to go home!

I think that is what it is like for men, too. Distractions, level of physical comfort, too much to drink, too late at night, whatever.

GT is right. 99% of the time, I doubt it has anything to do with the woman and everything to do with the situation. Diverting and relieving the situation is the best way to go, and sometimes that works.

Great replies all!

Sounds like everybody tries to work with it the best they can and I agree, when it gets personal it's usually over. It's too bad that when the ol' ego raises it's head, It gets tough to raise the "other" head back up.

Great replies all!

 

Sounds like everybody tries to work with it the best they can and I agree, when it gets personal it's usually over. It's too bad that when the ol' ego raises it's head, It gets tough to raise the "other" head back up.

Honestly.. I have been surprised by the male reactions to PA. I guess going into swinging I expected that this would be a problem, not unlike any other problem and swinging men would have a better attitude towards it. I mean when you are in a sexual environment, so many things can happen that are unplanned, I would have expected swinging men to be the most relaxed about it.

As a woman it is better for me to meet a confidant and honest man with PA that will work with me to have fun than to meet a man with a hard cock just looking for a place to stick it.

On the flipside, I wouldn't let a little thing like my ass jiggling in the sex swing ruin my good time. I wouldn't want a man with PA let his ego ruin his time either.

It is difficult to be a vain swinger.

My question is.....

Do women find this problem as often in a vanilla enviroment as they do in swinging?

Not with someone they are in a long term relationship with, but more along the lines of just meeting and the first time they they run into this head bang

Or is it a proportionately higher rate in a swinging situation?

We have run into situations with single males where they had problems, but if I left the room for a minute or at least out of eye shot they were back in buisness.

I'm not sure why? I am an averagely hung dude so I don't think it is an intimidation factor. Hell, we have played with guys twice my size and it doesn't bother me a bit. In fact I love the pleasure Mrs naughty gets from them! facelick

It has only happend to me when I'm way to drunk. Other than that I've never had the problem again..

Interesting question. I can say that I never had this issue outside of swinging. I mean I was never with a man that had erection problems before I started swinging. I also never had any performance issues outside of swinging. I have had a few since swinging.

I really don't think people (new men) know how hard it can be to swing. From my perspective it must be really challenging for a man to have to perform somewhat on demand, repeatedly, with a lot of distractions, and with sometimes a lot of other men watching. I can see where that could cause issues.

It has taken me awhile to be comfotable being naked in front of a whole mess of people, and then to get into some of fun, twisted postions. It is entirely easier for me to hide my PA better than it would be for a man.

In my experience, I have only noticed it in the swinging community.

hi guys, this is the female part of twobears, we thanks you for all the advice as you have shared yourself and experiences.

I thought Viagra was good, but Welbutrin is better. But only if you need an antideprssant, though my doctor said it is used to treat erectile disfunction. This is something to be discussed with your individual doctor. I DO NOT advocate otherwise. :rollseyes

This one hit home. We were involved in a fmf relationship for a long time. When that ended we decided to try a swing club. There was the assumption that we would be able to fulfill our fantasies-then reality set it. The biggest mistake was trying to jump in. For some people this is not a problem, for others it's a big problem. It was a newcomers night and I wasn't the only one with the problem. Lots of disappointed faces. So anyhoo, we slowed things up in a big way. We did go back to the club and I was dosed up with Viagra-big help. Then we decided to mainly watch and play by ourselves only just to avoid performance anxiety. After that we plunged in to a "date" with another couple to gain a comfort level and learn how interact well. To get comfortable with nakedness we started going to a nude beach. Now, we're ready to try either a club or a "date" again and take it to the next level. So the short answer for me was baby steps and little blue pills...

Well I'm a newbie to swinging. We have had two experiences together, one mfm (first) and one three couple swap with an extra guy (second). Both times I have been unable to get an erection. The second experience, with the couples, I had even taken 100mg of Viagra (glad the extra guy was there to fill in for me). So to say the least I am very distraught and extremely worried about our next encounter. Don't have a problem outside the swinging realm and the wife has not experience any male she has been with prior to swinging that had a problem either. FYI - the other guy in our mfm had the same problem, so I didn't feel so bad that time.

I've had this happen with guys I've been with several times. I never took it personally but I've handled it differently with each guy. I'll tell you the situation that worked best for me. I had always liked to keep my husband in reaching distance. It allowed us to mix it up easily and not just feel like we are swapping and going to our opposite corners. When the guy couldn't get hard enough I asked if he needed a little break and would he mind if I we joined in with my husband and his wife to take a little bit of the pressure off. I never bothered his wife or my husband to have us join in and we would all end up connected in some way. That way his wife could help relax him but I would still be right there for him to touch me and come to me when he was ready. When he felt ready to go again we broke away from them and then successfully went at it.

With another guy we just gave it up because he was getting so frustrated and it was upsetting him. He was so embarrassed he just wanted to get out of the situation. I tried to tell him I was willing to try again, that it might just take a couple times but we never heard from them again. I didn't take it personally and since my husband never had a problem getting it up again soon after cumming I still got what I needed

I've never taken it personally, I thought it was a common occurence. I had wondered if it was from a guy being rushed and worried about performance. In non swinging situations all I needed to do was be patient and not rush him. Kind of like me, sometimes it takes a little longer for me to get wet enough... I never did well with quickies. For women it's an easy fix though, a little KY and we're ready to go. It hardly seems fair.

This situation has happened to me as well a few times in my life, each time it bothers me but have always had a partner that was understanding with the exception of the first time it happened. After the first time it happened my girlfriend broke up with me and would not discuss it with me. All the others were sympathetic and tried to calm me down but because of what happened the first time the more they tried to calm me down the worse I felt and it would not happen at all. I was told many times it is all in the mind. But what I could understand is that these women all excited me and I wanted them badly. Since this did not happen to often I was not worried about it much although my point of it is that it happened to me out of a swinging environment.

I read in an article that this disfunction can be caused by riding a bicycle extensively as I had ridden a bike for 40+ miles a day for more than 10 years I suspected this was the problem. I discussed this with several doctors and each quickly said take viagra. At $100.00 for a 100mg tablet I thought it might be worth it so I tried several times but even when I did take it I still would not become erect on that rare occasion. Finally I went to a doctor that listened more to what I had to say. The major problem I was having was not necessarily the rare occurance of not becoming erect but when I did become erect it lasted between 6 and 12 hours of constant intercourse to achieve climax.

I have heard that women love it for long periods of time but have found out that they do not like it constantly and feel that if I do not climax then they have not satisfied me. After going to urologists, nuerologists and various specialists I was told that it is my thyroid being low. I do not know how true this is because nothing has worked yet (CT scans, MRI and ultrasound tests) so I will try it.

Hope I did not ramble or get off topic to much but just wanted to say it has happened both in a swing and non swing situations for me.

This is a very interesting topic.

I often have this issue and as I have grown older I find that the little blue pill is less and less effective. There are other meds that help somewhat but not always. With most of the couples we have been with, the woman partner says it’s not an issue, that there are many things that are fun that don't include a hard penis. I have been told that I am skillful with mouth and fingers LOL one woman even suggested I give lessons. Be that as it may, I try very hard to be sure that my partner is happy or even glad they met us. The issue comes to a head, so to speak, after a period of time. Most of the couples, with only two exceptions, have drifted away from us and as much as we understand that relationships change and people move on, its nevertheless difficult not to assume that a couple moves on because the woman in the pair wants a skillful man who can also get it up.

I have heard it said that often swinging for a woman is as much about reaffirming her sexiness as it is a search for the big O. And that woman, almost unconsciously, equate their own sexuality with the ability to arouse a man in the most obvious way, a nice hard long lasting erection. Hence the desire to move on to couples where the man can in fact provide that easy to see evidence of her desirability.

Because of this, would it be better for a couple, or maybe just the male part of a couple, to get out of swinging if he can't get it up most of the time. I would like to hear thoughts on this issue.

Interesting topic. I havent read all the replies but thought I would post anyway. For the first two years we were in this lifestyle, almost every guy we were with had a problem. I didnt take it personally but it wasnt much fun either. But I found other things to do to entertain myself! I have found that alot of times the first time we play with a couple I exspect it to happen so when it doesnt I am really really happy and if it does then I am not let down. Luckily my hubby hasnt had this problem yet so he keeps me pretty happy if the other guy has a problem. I do notice that the guys seem to get more upset over it (I guess it is the ego thing) which usually makes it worse. Advice to the men...if it happens just relax and find something else to do for a bit....usually that helps it "work". if you try to make it work it wont! Believe me there is alot of fun things to do while you are waiting! he he he

Cos (Mrs mac_neat) and I call this "loyal dick syndrome".

And it is *very* common.

Thought I'd offer the guy's perspective, and what's worked for me ...

When it's happened to me, I've found that if I just go back to foreplay -- get completely involved in an activity that feels really good -- eventually, Mr. Happy gets a clue and wants to join the party.

What's key is that my attention must be so immersed in what I'm experiencing with my partner that I simply forget about the phallic flat. I do what feels really good (passionate kissing and wandering hands are my personal favorite). It can take time, but eventually I stop thinking about my mutinous member. It's usually then when it starts doing what it was designed to do.

Go figure.

Also, keeping the drinking to a minimum, and starting earlier in the evening helps (my body is better adjusted to vanilla life than it is to the hours we keep in the lifestyle).

Mac

I don't have any "in the moment" suggestions for the guys. But this subject does bring to point the relationship between good sex and good health.

The better you take care of yourself, mentally and physically, the better your sex life will be. Men, on average, live shorter and less healthy lives than women. Why???

Quit smoking, lose some weight, exercise, take some time away from work and quit eating donuts with beer chasers. You will be amazed at what you can accomplish without the "blue pill" crap.

Personally, on "big" nights I like to hit the gym hard in the afternoon, and then fuel up on fresh, wild salmon. Follow up with a short nap (my Italian heritage demands it). A COLD shower to wake up the senses and I'm good for hours of "activity". And at 49, I'll match my "engine" and "throttle control" against any 30 year old!

Guys, the least we should do is treat our body as well as our last new car!

I have had it happen with partners several times, I don't take it personally and I don't make a big deal of it. I often suggest that oral sex is what gets me off anyway so if he wants to provide me pleasure lets 69....most guys enjoy that and sometimes part way through he is hard again anyway.

I have also had partners with the "loyal dick" syndrome, as long as it was me near them at the party they were hard, once I moved away or they tried to go off with another female they had problems. This was easily solved by doing fmf that way with me there they ususally stayed hard.

This is a good topic. I don't have alot of experience with swinging, but being 50 now, I have some experience with limp dick! This is one of my fears about swinging: performance anxiety!

I think Roman Hands has the best advice. I dropped 30 pounds last year and felt like superman! Maybe I should do that again?

My sweetie likes a lot of Smirnoff Ice and pot. I'll just drink ginger ale and pop a ginseng and multivitamin.

Fish is really good and is soo light and easy to digest, compared to steak.

With any luck, I'd have the sex I want even after working 10 hours and driving 3.5 hours on the motorcycle to get home from Toronto!

Oh, I usually jeer, point and laugh loudly

Ok, I'm kidding. It's not a big deal. When we first started in the lifestyle, we had a few experiences where my playmate had some trouble. After a while, I started to wonder if it was me. But, now I realize that the mind is the most powerful sexual organ. Not focusing on it seems to work the best. If Drew is having a problem, if I go back to him, it seems to do the trick. The biggest thing is for nobody to panic.

Pepper

If the gentleman that I was with was a jump refusal (Army airborne term) then I would go to the full body massage with lots of tongue action and kissing. If he didn't want to do that, I would suggest that we (if we were at the house) go down to the kitchen and fire up the coffee pot and make chocolate chip cookies. If I liked the guy enough to have sex with him that means I like his company not just his dick. The hubby can keep the other wife entertained while I and the gent get better acquainted. If all goes well then he'll have me bent over the bowl of cookie dough!

If he didn't want to do that, I would suggest that we (if we were at the house) go down to the kitchen and fire up the coffee pot and make chocolate chip cookies. If I liked the guy enough to have sex with him that means I like his company not just his dick. The hubby can keep the other wife entertained while I and the gent get better acquainted. If all goes well then he'll have me bent over the bowl of cookie dough!

Surprisingly, I think that would probably work pretty good. When we first started swinging I used to experience the problem of not rising to the occasion on demand every once in a while. It usually happened when I was with someone new for the first time. One time when this happened the women I was with and I just stopped and kicked back talking about unrelated things and the subject of weight came up (I know, dangerous topic). She mentioned how much she weighed and I said that it couldn't be right. Next thing we know we are weighing ourselves on her scale to see if the scale confirmed what she said. Turns out it did but it also said that I weighed about 15 pounds more than any other scale says that I weigh. Anyway, while doing all this weighing something strange happened, I got a major woody. Needless to say we adjorned back to the bed and a "Good Time" was had by all.

If the gentleman that I was with was a jump refusal (Army airborne term) then I would go to the full body massage with lots of tongue action and kissing. If he didn't want to do that, I would suggest that we (if we were at the house) go down to the kitchen and fire up the coffee pot and make chocolate chip cookies. If I liked the guy enough to have sex with him that means I like his company not just his dick. The hubby can keep the other wife entertained while I and the gent get better acquainted. If all goes well then he'll have me bent over the bowl of cookie dough!

:: Thrax kneels down to pray: "Please Lord, if that damnable limp thing ever happens to me again, bless my partner with the knowledge and skills of Concupiscence, or better yet, with the presence of Concupiscence even. Amen." ::

Thrax

One thing I know about myself is that I could easily become a home-made cookie addict. facelick Because of this I do not keep cookies of any kind in the house and I rarely bake them.

If ever I find myself with a man that has an erection problem, for the benefit of mankind - or should I say a 'kind man', who is sexy and likable, I'll give myself permission to take him in the kitchen pronto, bake up a batch of cookies while the coffee is perking, and together we'll eat every last one of them!

Then we'll fall into bed listless. Being too full to move anything more than my hand, I'd begin slowly massaging his cock. Once erect, I'd tell him, "What a yummy-looking cock you have and I'd love to taste it, but I'm too damn stuffed to put another thing in my mouth. Can I eat that next time?"

LM

If ever I find myself with a man that has an erection problem, for the benefit of mankind - or should I say a 'kind man', who is sexy and likable, I'll give myself permission to take him in the kitchen pronto, bake up a batch of cookies while the coffee is perking, and together we'll eat every last one of them!

 

Then we'll fall into bed listless. Being too full to move anything more than my hand, I'd begin slowly massaging his cock. Once erect, I'd tell him, "What a yummy-looking cock you have and I'd love to taste it, but I'm too damn stuffed to put another thing in my mouth. Can I eat that next time?"

 

LM

If this would ever happen to me, I'd prefer Oolong or English Breakfast to coffee, but with a lot of milk and sugar, etc., coffee would be okay, or just unimportant.

And I can't imagine falling into bed listless...

Thrax

I am on board with twobears. A little extra attention where it is needed to relax him usually does the trick. besides I love what it feels like to have a guy become hard while in my mouth.

Your friend,

Prettylady

Surrender to the ladies of the fourm....they sure know how to treat a man....and Prettylady...Dog is one lucky man.

If this would ever happen to me, I'd prefer Oolong or English Breakfast to coffee, but with a lot of milk and sugar, etc., coffee would be okay, or just unimportant.

 

And I can't imagine falling into bed listless...

 

Thrax

Thrax,

I have Oolong and Green Tea

LikeMinds,

I am the same way with cookie dough, if I eat too much I go into a sugar coma! LOL I figured, in theory, the naked baking might be a fun way to get back in the saddle. Of course, it could be naked thumbwrestling and naked armpit farting... I'm willing to go that extra mile.

 

...besides I love what it feels like to have a guy become hard while in my mouth.

But I don't get the opportunity very often because they're usually hard by the time the clothes come off.

LikeMinds,

 

I am the same way with cookie dough, if I eat too much I go into a sugar coma! LOL

One winter I baked home made cookies 5 days a week for 2 months. Gained 10 lbs because of it. I'll never do that again...if I can help it.

Cookie Addict's Prayer

"I'm a cookie addict...

But I can change...

If I have to..."

LM

hmmm cookie dough......I get turned on just thinking about the soft, yuumy goodness with little chocolate pieces sprinkled in for good measure. I get a lot more enjoyment out of the dough than I do the cookie...wow that could sure be taken many different ways...

That being said there are many ways to help a man feel more comfortable and take the pressure off. One of the reasons I have seen that men get this way is simply a reaction to what they perceive as aggressive females. ( we were at a party recently and my partner became concerned about going to the bathroom alone as the females were grabbing very aggressively and he isn't shy about coming forward)

For a few months I dated a guy with a massive cock, but he had the situation of not being able to get it hard all the time. We did a lot of oral on each other and when (and if) he got hard enough, we'd go at it. If he didn't, there was a lot of foreplay with lots of oral for me.

He wasn't into anal play for himself. Pity because I think that could have helped.

p.s. At a party, I'd probably do the same thing. It wouldn't really matter to me as long as his tongue and fingers still worked.

I had some erectile problems at one time, and used Cialis. When I quit the Cialis, instead of a worse problem with erection, I seemed better off than before. I also quit drinking and found a new mate, so I can't say which was responsible for the improved performance, but...

I have ED NOt full blown never happen ED but a roll of the dice do you feel lucky it may or may not happen and this is even with cialis.

The causes of this are much abuse to the nether regions from my younger streetfighting days, Heart Medication and Smoking.

That all being said I have found that being up front with swinging partners usually results in a "Doesn't matter" response. We have developed a wonderful relationship with several couples using the honest approach and we have become good friends also.

There is more than one way to please a lady and fortunately I am very good a pleasing the ladies!