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"Both of us play or neither of us play."

 

I've often wondered what exactly does this mean and why? I've seen the above statement numerous times here on the board and in personal ads. Honestly, neither Ted nor I understand it.

 

There have been numerous times at parties/socials/clubs where I've played and Ted hasn't or he has played and I haven't, neither of us felt like we were being left out. We've always felt that no matter if one of us played and the other didn't that we were both still playing.

 

So, for those of you who have this statement in an ad, or have made this statement here on the board in response to a question/thread, or if it's the way you feel, could you please explain a bit more why?

 

Teresa

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Well...we are open to each person playing separately. However, it is nice when we go out if both of us get to play. Mostly because we go out for 'swing time' so rarely. Some of it may be 'not feeling left out'...however, we just want to have a good time when we go. So even if we only end up with each other, that's ok too.

 

For the profiles that say we both do or neither do, I think that's a way of keeping the playing field level so to speak. That way no one is technically keeping score...or it's just what they feel comfortable with, having their partner playing at the same time they are?

 

Maria :kissface:

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We have that in our profile, and what we mean is that if we're going to play with another couple (just one), we're all going to play or we're not. It mean that I'm not going to play while Drew sits in the corner. Many times, we've had just that type of request. You know, the 'hey, we're looking for a single female, so can we borrow your wife for some girl-girl play and I'll fuck her and you can watch.' That's what we're talking about.

 

Now, a house party is different. Playing with friends is different too. We're ok with separate play for that. But, online it means unless you're planning on getting with both of us, don't bother to contact us.

 

Pepper

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Well...we are open to each person playing separately. However, it is nice when we go out if both of us get to play. Mostly because we go out for 'swing time' so rarely

 

Now, a house party is different. Playing with friends is different too. We're ok with separate play for that. But, online it means unless you're planning on getting with both of us, don't bother to contact us.

 

 

Ok...I can understand both of those reasons...Limited play time and being contacted on-line by people who only want one.

 

 

 

Teresa

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We don't have that line in our profile but I understand it's meaning and I think it is pretty self-explanatory (so let me explain it:lol:)

 

We prefer couples activities and are not in it for the girl/girl or for one of us to be left out in the cold or to just watch. We won't meet a couple for a play encounter unless I am open to the idea of contact with the other female half and my wife is open to the idea of contact with the male half of the other couple and therefor we ask the same consideration of them in return.

 

My guess is more often than not when a couple has that in their profile it means the male half is not content to just sit at home or quietly in the corner while the female half plays with another couple.

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We have said it for mostly the same reasons as Pepper and Drew. In addition to that we have played while the other didn't before and didn't like it. We found that it got in the way of the fun because the one of us playing was worrying that the other one was having a good time and not sitting in the corner like a wallflower, and the one not playing was worrying about how it was going with the one that was playing.

 

We don't say just one of us would never play, but it would only happen if we were with people that we were really comfortable with.

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My guess is more often than not when a couple has that in their profile it means the male half is not content to just sit at home or quietly in the corner while the female half plays with another couple.

Actually, in our case more often, or at least equally as often, it has been myself, the male half of the couple who has been approached to play alone. Maybe it is that neither one of us is bi that makes this so, because I have noticed that the bi-females of couples we know get asked to play without their spouse more often than we do.

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We don't have that line in our profile but I understand it's meaning and I think it is pretty self-explanatory (so let me explain it:lol:)

 

 

I understand perfectly the meaning of the words, but not the reason for using said words. I asked...why and could you explain more? Everyone has their own reasons and each will be different.

 

To Ted and I it seems like a very selfish statement...when we see that statement the meaning behind the words reads to us as ....he/she can't have any fun, unless I too have fun.

 

Pepper, sexcupid and Good Times gave reasons why they have it...as you gave your reason for feeling that way.

 

 

Teresa

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I just want to clarify that we do not have the statement 'we both play or none do' or any other variation there of. It just seems that when we go out we just both prefer to play since we don't go out to play often.

 

Just wanted to clarify.

 

Maria :kissface:

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Hey Teresa!

 

MrsVan and I seem to be like the others. We would only say this if we where getting the vibe that a couple really was only interested in one of us. We are not opposed to playing alone and in fact have done so on occasion with the right couples.

 

If we are at a club or party and the situation presents itself where only one of us had the chance to play, so be it, sometimes it is fun to watch. :facelick:

 

With MrsVan being bi, we really just get tired of getting emails that go along the lines of..."Hey we are looking for a female for our FFM, would your wife be interested?" I mean come on! If we new you as a couple and you asked that, yup most likely we would say yes, but that isn't a great pick up line...

 

-Van

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Ditto with a lot of what is said. We would play alone with trusted friends. We would not play alone otherwise.

 

We were in one situation where we were playing with another couple ... everyone appeared to be having fun. The other Mr. and I had our fun, and at the 13th hour, the other Mrs. decided she didn't want to have sex. Huh? It did piss me off (because she led him on all night) and he felt slighted. If we had gone into that situation thinking that might happen, maybe we would have re-evaluated it. Maybe we wouldn't have. It was the way it was handled that pissed us off.

 

I don't think it's necessary to put it in our profile, but then again we haven't had a lot of weird requests (just the normal amount ... LOL)

 

I do think some couples are into what's "fair" -- in a lot of ways in life. My sister is a prime example. I swear to you she kept track of how many crappy diapers she changed. If her husband was below the number count, she made SURE he got his turn next time. It was quite comical to watch, actually...

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We've been in the lifestyle long enough to make a guesstimate of just how much the couple has matured in the lifestyle by the content of their profile. Some statements reflect a possible bad experience and they are trying to avoid the next one, while others indicate they are struggling with their preferences and comfort zone. So if it sounds like trouble, it may very well be.

 

P.S. We agree with Drew and Pepper.

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Our profile also says "both of us play or no dice." For us it means that in a one-on-one situation, we'd both like to have the opportunity to play. FF play with the hubbies watching isn't what we're looking for. That doesn't mean we wouldn't have the occasional MFM or FMF with a couple once we get to know them better. But hopefully, there'd still be the chance for all four people to play sometime during the "date".

 

Group situations are another matter. We pretty much go with the flow, and if one of us doesn't get to play, then we're not gonna' freak out about it. Often, we end up losing track of each other for awhile anyway, lol!

 

=)

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Hi all,

We have this statement on our profile. Due to we only swap, when both couples swap. So, the attraction must be in place for all four members, and neither of us will take one for the team. (please note that we are both straight, which probably helps keeping the foursome from heading towards a threesome.) We don't play seperately; plus we only play in the same bed.

I know, I know, I'm back to that we-thing again...heehee.

Yes, this limits the field, but when it happens, it's great!

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To Ted and I it seems like a very selfish statement...when we see that statement the meaning behind the words reads to us as ....he/she can't have any fun, unless I too have fun.

Teresa

 

For us it is not selfish, as we get alot of our pleasure from knowing the other is having a good time. Often as not when one of us orgasms durring sex between us the other will go close to the same time. That is why we do same room only. Seeing or hearing our partner having a great time just makes the experience better. So rather than being selfish, we are just ensuring that we both have the best time possible.

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We're same-room same-bed, so with us it's a foregone conclusion. Neither of us wants to be left out of the action, and we both want to be very involved in each other's fun. We got into this to do it together.

 

Is that selfish? Not in my book. What is selfish to me is going and playing on my own while knowing that my wife is being left out, and vice versa. Even if C was willing to sit out and take one for the team, I wouldn't put her in that position.

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"Both of us play or neither of us play."

 

I've seen this quite often in profiles, too. That statement sometimes is followed by an exclamation point, which puts a further emphasis on it that makes me think they've had requests from others for one of them to play, but not both, and this has offended/frustrated them.

 

We don't have this statement in our profile and no one has ever asked for one of us to play without the other.

 

I also think that it's one of those things couples think they may need to put in their profile. There are so many statements that are used over and over again in profiles. When you're new you tend to write your profile based on what you see the majority saying, so this may be a reason those couples who only play together include the statement.

 

The statement can sound angry to me, depending on how they elaborate on this statement. And I do sometimes think it is a way of saying they don't think much of people (like us) who are comfortable playing solo on occasion. But this may be my own sensitivity to this issue since we have noticed that there can be negative feelings by some couples about couples who are open to including solo play along with the more usual together play.

 

For us "Both" doesn't have to mean we have to be in the same room or both playing at the same moment in order for the experience to be enjoyed/shared by both of us. Our choice to play solo is still a shared adventure because we know about it, agree to it, discuss it later, and thorougly pleaure in what the other experienced. We have a sense of balance in our approach, in that neither of us would play solo to the point that the other seems left out of too much swinging activity. Our primary goal is to play together, and the solo play is a special treat now and then.

 

Neither of us will accept an offer to play if others expect one of us to just sit there and watch, because we aren't watchers, we are players. But this request of us has never been made.

 

LM

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Thanks everyone for your replies...as I said, it's always been a statement that we've just never really understood...still don't, but then again we don't really have to understand it, just respect it in others.

 

We do have the statement in our ad that we don't play alone...in that one of us will not go out while the other stays at home (this might change in the future or it might not) However, immediately following that statement it also says that neither of us mind sitting out and watching the other have fun. If we're in a house party situation, we don't even have to know what the other is up to or be there to watch it...We play enough mind games/mind fuck each other enough that whether we are side-by-side or three rooms away, we're still with each other and both of us are still playing, even if only one of us are getting fucked.

 

I didn't really pose the question in a way that made sense to get the feedback I was hoping for. Even after talking to Ted about it, he said he knew exactly what I was trying to say, but had no suggestions on how to get it to come across in words.

 

I do appreciate the replies though.

 

Teresa

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We play enough mind games/mind fuck each other enough that whether we are side-by-side or three rooms away, we're still with each other and both of us are still playing, even if only one of us are getting fucked.

 

You might want to clarify that comment. I can totally see someone ripping it apart. I think I know what you mean, but....

 

I didn't really pose the question in a way that made sense to get the feedback I was hoping for. Even after talking to Ted about it, he said he knew exactly what I was trying to say, but had no suggestions on how to get it to come across in words.

 

I hate it when that happens and it seems like it happens to me a lot. It seems like half the time I post a question people read it completely different than I meant it, but sometimes it still leads to a good discussion anyway.

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We use similar lines meaning that we only "play" at the same time together. The play may be one of us watching but the point being we do not go out separately.

This is our first time here and our first post.

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You might want to clarify that comment. I can totally see someone ripping it apart. I think I know what you mean, but....

 

:lol: Sure, ask the impossible...I'll try, although it might not make any more sense than my last question. I've asked couples before if they mind fuck each other and I've always gotten strange looks....it's kind of hard to explain.

 

Mind games/mind fuck...Ted and I spend an extensive amount of time fantasy talking...there's probably not a scenario or sexual fantasy that one of us have that the other doesn't know about. Some will always remain fantasies, others will and have become reality. We can be in the most innocent environment and a word or someone walking by or an object can make us look at the other and we will immediately smile, knowing exactly what the other is thinking about at that moment. When we have a minute of privacy, we'll look at each other and one of us will say, "I know what you were thinking"..."Oh, yeah? What?"...we'll say whatever it was and it's always right on the money.

 

Because of us knowing each other so ultimately intimately, there's no fear or insecurity that one of us would be selfish in any activity because even if it's just one of us doing it, it's what the other wants us to do therefore, it's always both of us doing it.

 

Maybe an example would help.

 

At a social one time an opportunity presented itself for me to fulfill one of Ted's fantasies. The moment was right and Ted was no where around to tell or ask if it was okay if I really did this or not...there was no hesitation on my part with doing it without him even knowing I was. Once the fun was over, I found Ted, gave him a kiss and he immediately looked at me and said, "You've been a bad girl", I smiled and said "Yep"..."I like it when you're bad, I wasn't sure where you were or what you were doing, but I was hoping you were doing what you did". It was an incredible night that night once we got back home. In this case, I played and he didn't but...during me playing he was there...in my mind, because I knew how he was going to react once I told him and how much it was going to excite him and how happy he was going to be because I did it.

 

Had we not mind fucked each other with the exact scenario as what happened above and me knowing, without a shadow of a doubt, that this was really something that we both wanted to happen, it could have gone very bad.

 

The mind games we play are strictly between us, we don't play mind games with other people...it's just something we do to/for each other...we'll be headed out somewhere and one of us might whisper something in the other's ear...."I want you to...do or think or ...(fill in blank)something sexual in nature "...it might or it might not happen, but, it sure is fun to play the game with each other.

 

I'm sure none of that explained very well what mind games/mind fucking is to us...but because we do both, there is a freedom we both feel and a security in the other that no matter what it is, it's always about us.

 

 

Teresa

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So I totally missed what you were addressing? :o

 

Dang it! I hate it when I do that.

 

LM :kissface:

 

 

You came close ;)

 

 

Teresa

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We use similar lines meaning that we only "play" at the same time together. The play may be one of us watching but the point being we do not go out separately.

This is our first time here and our first post.

 

Welcome to the Board...I hope you continue to post and get involved with more discussions.

 

 

Teresa

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TNT, I know exactly what you mean. We mind-fuck too!!!! I guess if one of us gets to play and the other doesn't, it is no big deal because we have already played these scenarios over and over in our mind. I'm getting ready to blog on a recent experience that illustrates what I'm trying to say.

 

As to the original question, I have seen that and always thought it meant that if both people aren't playing simultaneously, then no one is playing period. I always just ruled them out and moved on. We respect that many folks only play that way, but we like to keep our options open, so we just move on.

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:

 

At a social one time an opportunity presented itself for me to fulfill one of Ted's fantasies. The moment was right and Ted was no where around to tell or ask if it was okay if I really did this or not...there was no hesitation on my part with doing it without him even knowing I was. Once the fun was over, I found Ted, gave him a kiss and he immediately looked at me and said, "You've been a bad girl", I smiled and said "Yep"..."I like it when you're bad, I wasn't sure where you were or what you were doing, but I was hoping you were doing what you did". It was an incredible night that night once we got back home. In this case, I played and he didn't but...during me playing he was there...in my mind, because I knew how he was going to react once I told him and how much it was going to excite him and how happy he was going to be because I did it.

 

Had we not mind fucked each other with the exact scenario as what happened above and me knowing, without a shadow of a doubt, that this was really something that we both wanted to happen, it could have gone very bad.

Teresa

 

Teresa, I understand what you are saying. But for me, and I am sure I can say the same Bunny, the experience would just be that much better to be able to watch that fantasy take place.

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Teresa, I understand what you are saying. But for me, and I am sure I can say the same Bunny, the experience would just be that much better to be able to watch that fantasy take place.

 

Well, not really...the fantasy was me doing something without Ted knowing (until after the fact) or being there to watch. Had he been there, it would have been something totally different.

 

 

 

Teresa

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As to the original question, I have seen that and always thought it meant that if both people aren't playing simultaneously, then no one is playing period.

 

 

I think that is exactly what we see as well...simultaneous play...and if that's the case to me, that's very selfish.

 

Thank you...I think you hit the nail on the head there :).

 

 

 

Teresa

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Thanks everyone for your replies...as I said, it's always been a statement that we've just never really understood...still don't, but then again we don't really have to understand it, just respect it in others.

 

We do have the statement in our ad that we don't play alone...in that one of us will not go out while the other stays at home (this might change in the future or it might not) However, immediately following that statement it also says that neither of us mind sitting out and watching the other have fun. If we're in a house party situation, we don't even have to know what the other is up to or be there to watch it...We play enough mind games/mind fuck each other enough that whether we are side-by-side or three rooms away, we're still with each other and both of us are still playing, even if only one of us are getting fucked.

 

Teresa

 

But Teresa, in your example you're talking about a house party situation. I'm talking about a foursome situation. Just you, Ted and Mr. & Ms. Playmate, hanging out at their home or yours. So what you're saying is that both of you would be 100% comfortable with just watching, knowing there's not going to be any chance to join in? I've got to tell you, that doesn't sound the least bit entertaining to us, no matter which of us is the "player" that night. It's not about keeping score (which, I think you're thinking it's about). In our case, it's that we've found enough couples that are interested in both of us that we don't really want to meet couples that aren't.

 

At houseparties, or at socials, or with our good friends, we don't keep track. Like I said, we're comfortable with playing separately. And, I can think of a couple of times when friends of ours wanted to try something different, and one of us hung out and took pictures. But, we're not actively looking for that kind of playtime on a regular basis. I don't really see it as selfish at all, it's just that we're not that veuyeristic or have a whole lot of fantasies that involve playing separately.

 

Clear as mud, right?

 

Pepper

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Well, not really...the fantasy was me doing something without Ted knowing (until after the fact) or being there to watch. Had he been there, it would have been something totally different.

 

 

 

Teresa

 

I have that same fantasy, and like I said, if we had an understanding that we both had to be simultaneous, then that negates the whole fantasy. I respect the fact that some people just have to have it that way, and at one point we did too. But we moved on, and we like the idea now of, "Honey, you're never gonna believe what happened today! I ran into the Dallas Mavericks today, and guess what I did..."

 

:lol:

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But, we're not actively looking for that kind of playtime on a regular basis. I don't really see it as selfish at all, it's just that we're not that veuyeristic or have a whole lot of fantasies that involve playing separately.

 

...Which is cool and makes perfect sense. Everyone has their preferences. I think there was just a misunderstanding of what both or neither meant. Some would interpret it as the couple only plays same room, or they have to play simultaneously, or if you aren't interested in both, pass on.

 

We really need to clarify our lingo. It gets confusing at times.

 

And I don't think anyone is saying that people who will only play simultaneously is being selfish. But I have noticed that in some circles there seems to be some prejudice against those who don't have to do that. Like I said in another thread, there is apparently some bias against couples who play different room, different times, etc. like we are breaking the swinger's code or something. It doesn't happen very often, but it's not bad.

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But Teresa, in your example you're talking about a house party situation. I'm talking about a foursome situation. Just you, Ted and Mr. & Ms. Playmate, hanging out at their home or yours. So what you're saying is that both of you would be 100% comfortable with just watching, knowing there's not going to be any chance to join in?

 

Clear as mud, right?

 

Pepper

 

Well, actually, yes...we've done it quite a few times. Now I will add that IF it was a situation where the other couple said we couldn't be/get involved, especially if they were to say "not even with your own spouse...that's totally different. But we really have no problem if three out of the four want to play and one doesn't...go ahead and play and I'll sit here and watch.

 

There was even one night while hanging with friends, no plans of playing, that Ted and the wife got freaky and me and the husband just sat at the bar and talked...I wasn't interested in playing that night but Ted was up for it, so go for it.

 

Maybe he and I both have more of a voyeuristic streak than either of us realize :rolleyes:

 

 

And yeah, clear as mud :lol: ...just like everything I've tried to convey in this thread :lol:

 

Teresa

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I would like to make it clear that whatever way anyone wants to play is totally up to them...There's nothing wrong with wanting to play together or separate or whatever...as long as you're happy...go for it.

 

Just because you may not be able to understand why someone has a certain rule as long as you respect it, things should be okay.

 

 

Teresa

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Well, actually, yes...we've done it quite a few times. Now I will add that IF it was a situation where the other couple said we couldn't be/get involved, especially if they were to say "not even with your own spouse...that's totally different. But we really have no problem if three out of the four want to play and one doesn't...go ahead and play and I'll sit here and watch.

 

There was even one night while hanging with friends, no plans of playing, that Ted and the wife got freaky and me and the husband just sat at the bar and talked...I wasn't interested in playing that night but Ted was up for it, so go for it.

 

Teresa

 

Geez, I'm like a dog with a chew toy :rolleyes: .... but again, your example is talking about friends. We've done the exact same thing. I've even said that you know you're a swinger when you're husband's fucking someone else and you're nearby chatting about recipes or tv shows or whatever.

 

But, on our profile, we're assuming it's going to be people that are writing to us for the first time and meeting us for the first time...not at a social, not at a party, but just the four of us. In that context, and in that environment, we're looking for a four-way party. It doesn't necessarily mean that we're going to totally write a couple off if things happen and maybe we don't get around to full swap, (we're all about going with the flow) but we're not interested in 1 1/2 swap if that's the offer on the table up front. From an online perspective, if we're going to make the effort to email a few times, do the 'are you real' phone call, set up a meeting, etc. we'd like a tangle of 16 limbs to start. Or, at least 8 over here and 8 over there.

 

If that's selfish, then I guess we are. :lol:

 

Pepper

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If that's selfish, then I guess we are. :lol:

 

Pepper

 

:lol: I know ya'll are not selfish people...and I know I'm really not making any sense at all.

 

 

Cubnamy1995 put it well...

 

I think there was just a misunderstanding of what both or neither meant. Some would interpret it as the couple only plays same room, or they have to play simultaneously, or if you aren't interested in both, pass on.

 

We really need to clarify our lingo. It gets confusing at times.

 

As to the original question, I have seen that and always thought it meant that if both people aren't playing simultaneously, then no one is playing period.

 

We've seen couples where when one was done playing for the night...the other was not and was still playing but, because one had got their nut off, it was time to leave, as if they really didn't care if the other was still engaged or not....to me, that's selfish.

 

At the core, it really was just a question as to the reasons behind the "both or neither"...you gave a reason why and I understand your reasons...for some I was curious if it was because maybe there was insecurity involved, jealously that one might play more than the other or fear of some sort.

 

In the end, everyone has to be comfortable with the way they play and respectful of the way those they are playing with plays.

 

We really are comfortable with one sitting out and watching the other play, with friends or new acquaintances...as long as it's been discussed beforehand.

 

Teresa

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Pepper, you're making perfect sense to me, as Mr. Sweet and I feel the same way. And yeah, I've actually sat there and swapped recipes while my honey was "busy", lol!

 

=)

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We really are comfortable with one sitting out and watching the other play, with friends or new acquaintances...as long as it's been discussed beforehand.

Teresa

If we were "every weekend swingers" (not sure if you are, not saying that you are) we may have the same attitude. Since we only get the chance to play very rarely, we prefer that both of us are able to get in on some action and wouldn't meet new people if it was understood that only one of us would be playing. It's not that we're uncomfortable or insecure--we just both want to play, and we both want the other to be able to play. Again, if we were doing this several times a month, we would probably have a different perspective.

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To be completly honest.

With me it is still partly a level of insecurity. I still need Dog to be near.

Plus we don't play much, so like others have said, I would rather do it together.

Besides, like I have said in another thread. I am a pathetic flirt, Dog would be picking up women all night and I would be shooting pool or talking hockey. Ya, I'm lame.

Dog, however, is smooooth

Your friend,

Prettylady:kissface:

 

ps. I think Dog is interested in letting me play alone, I think he wants me to. I am of the thought, Yes, no, yes, no wait what day is it again. Right Tuesdays are a yes day.:rollseye: Tuesday, Thursday and Saturdays are the nights I put away my crown and I am drama free.:lol:

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Both play.

 

We both have to be attracted to you in order for us to go off with you. If you are only interesst in one of us, than move on. We already had a bad time in one of us playing with a person we were attracted to. If both can't be involved in the playing then, we both have to be present during play.

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I'm not sure if I can add anything to this or not, but I'll be happy to give you my explanation of the "both of us or neither of us" sort of statements.

 

My honey is a quiet sort of guy and doesn't go out of his way to woo people. I tend to be very outgoing and talkative, and apparently people feel very comfortable with me. As a result I've been approached by several couples over the past 10 years that want to experience a fmf. While it's flattering for them to ask, and I'm glad that they feel that comfortable with me, I always turn them down when they say that they don't want a "couples" scenario. My take on it is that I'm not their playtoy, I am my honey's playtoy, and if my honey isn't going to be there getting off (whether it's with me, or the female half of the couple), ain't none of us getting off together.

 

We do play seperately, one on one. We don't keep score, I don't care if his little flavor of the month comes over once or one hundred times, and he doesn't care about how often mine comes over. But if it's another couple, then we're going to do it as a couple, or not at all. To me, it is selfish of the other couple to expect me to just leave my honey at home while I go off for a night of "wild monkey love", and it would be selfish of me to even consider it. No matter what the couple could do for me sexually, it would pale beside simply knowing that my honey was there having a great time, and being made to feel like a sex god for a few hours.

 

Maybe it's me being selfish about it, but if the couple is not willing to include my honey in our playtime, then I'm not interested in playing, I'll take my ball and go home.

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Maybe it's me being selfish about it, but if the couple is not willing to include my honey in our playtime, then I'm not interested in playing, I'll take my ball and go home.

 

 

 

Now why couldn't I have said that? :rolleyes:

 

Well said.

 

Pepper

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