Asking one partner to play solo

My husband and I recently spent some time with another couple. She and I played then went back to our partners. We didn't swap, although it was a time issue and not that we didn't want to. We talked about getting together again, etc... My question is this: Two days later the other wife started calling my husband asking if he made house calls (meaning alone). He declined, as I would have expected, but I'm really disappointed that she would even ask. Am I being silly or jealous or possessive in thinking this was overstepping the "swinging" thing? Asking a married man to cheat just because she thinks maybe its' okay?? I don't know what she was thinking really, but I don't want to play with them now anymore. I feel disrespected by her.

Any thoughts? Thanks. We're new to this.

I don't want to play with them now anymore. I feel disrespected by her.

You shouldn't and you were. I suppose it's possible that maybe she thought you guys played alone but it's a huge presumption on her part. Does this couple play alone? If not then it goes without saying that she was willing to cheat on her husband. I doubt many couples around here would want anything to do with them.

It wouldn't bother us....but we're NOT new to this.

We've run across many different situations in our journey...i really don't believe the "swinging thing" has many well-defined boundries.

Of course, our profile states that either of us may play alone...so I suppose this is a moot point in our case.

Being new, don't be afraid to express your concerns to playmates...as in, "we don't play alone" or something to that effect...

If you like this couple, I see no need to feel disappointed or betrayed....just be sure to make your feelings known...it's all about communication in this game.

If not then it goes without saying that she was willing to cheat on her husband.

Talk about presumptuous....as I stated...communication is the key.

Jeeze........................

It wouldn't bother us....but we're NOT new to this.

So I was wrong. That was quick!

For me, respect is everything and this woman showed none.

You conveniently left out this part

Does this couple play alone? If not then it goes without saying that she was willing to cheat on her husband.

How is that presumptuous?

Perhaps she didn't know what to respect....

Your rules are not ours...if in fact someone has written a cliffnotes on swinging I suppose we'll need to obtain a copy...

Let me ask you then is something you would do?

Yes ma'am....would....and have.

...on both sides of our coin...BTW

kerrimyberry, I can understand why you're upset. Your understanding of the 'rules' obviously doesn't jibe with hers, perhaps because it was never discussed between you. One way to handle it would be to take the high-road, call her and explain your feelings. Hey, I'll bet you know he's a good lover so it's no surprise she would want more of that, right? Try gently clearing the air with her and you may find out she'll apologize for presuming. At least you'll get a chance to find out more about the kind of person she really is.

-B

Try gently clearing the air with her and you may find out she'll apologize for presuming. At least you'll get a chance to find out more about the kind of person she really is.

Yet another voice of reason...well put

Many people play solo so she may have been simply asking. It's hard to tell whether the woman was asking him to cheat or not but she should have asked when everyone was together. This avoids the impression of being sneaky. If the other couple are newbies I would tend to give them the benefit of the doubt. If they aren't she should have known better and I would be more suspicious of her motives.

Wow! I guess we need to ask if they had a discusion with this couple regarding their rules. From the sounds of it the poster does not play alone. I'm assuming, maybe wrongly that this woman knew that. Most people would have that discussion I would think. If not, they should have.

Your rules are not ours...if in fact someone has written a cliffnotes on swinging I suppose we'll need to obtain a copy...

The only "rule" mentioned here is respect. I don't need cliffnotes for that, apparently you do.

There's no harm in asking. Unless she is told "no" and continues to try to convince him, I don't think you've been disrespected.

In one way, it makes sense for her to ask him quietly - gives him an easy out if he doesn't want to, or if it's not part of the way you swing - and doesn't get her brushed off in front of others.

If she doesn't ask, she won't know.

She and I played then went back to our partners

This is the key statement I picked up on. Maybe she just wanted to let your hubby know she was interested, and went about it in a way you didn't care for. When the ladies play, it's hard for a man to know if the other spouse finds him attractive too. I am thrilled when ladies find hubby attractive, and would have had no problem with the wife calling hubby (but that's just my opinion).

I'd make a date to talk to them, and let them know your rules. Obviously, there is some chemistry or you wouldn't have played in the first place. It's not easy to find 4 who are in sync.

If you don't feel comfortable after your talk, then let them know you're not compatible and move on.

Good luck,

Mrs. D

Just based on what you have told us so far, and assuming their isn't anything more to it, I would have to say that this isn't unusual and happens all the time. As someone else said, the only way a person would know is to ask. We have been asked this same thing, and we just tell them that we only play together and neither one of us will go and play separately. Never had a problem or had anybody take it personally yet, nor has it effected our decision on whether we would play with them again or not. Everybody has different rules, and a lot of people enjoy playing separately. As long as, once you inform them of your rules, they respect them, I don't see the problem. While I expect everyone to respect our rules, once they know them, I wouldn't expect everyone to have the same rules that we do. And if we were to limit our play to only those people who's rules are the same as ours, I don't think we would have very many playmates.

The OP was upset by her calling her husband for a solo house call. That tells me that they only play as a couple because as she said, she expected her husband to say no. Unless this was at a club and they had just met, I find it hard to believe that this wasn't touched on. Who knows, maybe not. Also, from the way the OP worded it makes me think there was more than one call. As in "started calling". Sounds plural to me. One call I would blow off but after that you're done. Also, let's not forget that the OP used the word "cheat". Now why would she say that?

So we need to know a few things.

Does this other couple play solo? If not then she attempted to cheat on her husband unless he was in on it also. Even if they do play solo, IF the OP made it clear that they only play together she attempted to get the OP's husband to cheat.

Were the OP's "rules" discussed with the other couple? Again, based on what she posted, they only play together. To me, if they were discussed this would be a slap in the face and that would be end of that. If they didn't discuss it then I would give her a pass on one call after being told no.

Des1re06 and Goodtimes and agree with you both but there are better ways to find out if he is interested. This isn't about a friendly phone call. It's about going behind her back to get her husband to play alone

What am I missing here? A call on the sly like this goes against some of the great advice usually given on this site. I'm willing to take any advice or comments as long it isn't done with a smug attitude as some like to do.

We've run across lots of people who simply have different assumptions than we do. Sometimes the things we take for granted are simply not observed normally by others. Some people assume playing together is the only way, some don't... we know couples who routinely play alone.

The OP didn't say whether this discussion took place before the phone call, so we don't know whether their rules were disregarded.

I think that if you have a good feeling about people, and they are already playmates who have earned your trust, they ought to get the benefit of the doubt until they prove they don't deserve it anymore.

We've learned recently that sometimes there actually IS a good explanation. Much of the time there isn't, and people deserve to be sent packing. But occasionally there is one. If you don't give people a chance to explain and clear up misunderstandings, you could mess up something good.

I'm willing to take any advice or comments as long it isn't done with a smug attitude as some like to do.

Priceless!!!

What am I missing here?

Well, ma'am, when it's you and another guy...it may very well be the other guy.

However, when it's you and everyone.....well....................

Well, I think that unless the OP gives us a little more background info all we can do is speculate.

I would ad though, that we normally give our play partners our cell phone numbers. So, if a play partner calls my cell phone it would never occur to me that they were trying to talk to me on the sly or behind Mrs. GT's back. In reality, we have play partners call one or the other of us almost daily, so I guess that is why none of what the OP said seems out of line to me.

But again, this is all speculation based on unsupported assumptions.

Well, ma'am, when it's you and another guy...it may very well be the other guy.

I hope you're right.

...Well, ma'am, when it's you and another guy...it may very well be the other guy. However, when it's you and everyone.....well....................

Sorry, I'm late in chiming in on this very interesting thread. I don't understand the above and what it means.

The OP said that "She and I played then went back to our partners." To me this could imply that they played in another room, without their spouses present.

Really, this is something that should be easy to deal with. What was her tone when she spoke to the hubby? Was it, "are you able to come over at times when your wife can't?" or something clearly sinister? What was her demeaner when she was playing with you? Did you think she liked you too or just putting on a show? She didn't get to play with your hubby. She wants to it appears.

I think you're getting worked up about something that can be solved by a phone call. We really can't tell you how you should react, because as you can read here...we all have different feelings about something like this.

Male D

I hope you're right.

Touche, young lady...

kerrimyberry ~

It's been four days since you posted your thread and you haven't been back to the Board since. I hope you will because everyone could use a lot more information in order to provide you with the best advice.

I decided to see if you have an SLS profile. I found one under 'kerrimyberry' located in upper new york state so I'm guessing it's you.

Odd thing to me, you're listed as a single female profile. Your husband is mentioned in the profile, but it doesn't seem necessary that he be with you.

Your female playmate may presume he plays independently, because apparently you do if you want to.

LM

Lovinher, are you going to start a separate thread to tell us about your apparent sex-change?

Thrax

Clear the air with the other woman by calling her and discussing your feelings and asking her about her feelings. If she becomes defensive and obviously feels distress at your call, then she may have made a mistake and may not be someone with whom you guys will want to play in the future. If she acknowledges making a wrong assumption and apologizes, you may end up with a great friend and another couple with whom you can obviously have a great time. Whether your paths diverge or merge, you'll feel better than letting the issue hang...

separate thread to tell us about your apparent sex-change?

Oops! I'm glad you said something....

Gee, Mister Obvious, I never made the connection...

Lovinher, are you going to start a separate thread to tell us about your apparent sex-change?

 

Thrax

We'll we haven't been able to find that unicorn for Lovinhim so I figured what the hell! I love the boobs but now how do I get my penis back?

Thrax, You would be one of the first I'd tell, I promise!

Oops! I'm glad you said something....

 

Gee, Mister Obvious, I never made the connection...

I guess it would be funny if without the sarcasm.

Well I will take a stab at this one.

This thread is in the new swingers forum. So I am guessing that like me, they perhaps were uncomfortable with laying down the "rules" and the other women just played by her rules not knowing thiers.

I made the mistake of doing something I really didn't want to do because I was nervous about being the one who lets everyone down by my silly rules.

Could this have been the issue. The other couple in my situation did not know I was uncomfortable with the issue at hand and continued to play along in thier comfort zone which was way beyond mine.

Just a thought.

Your friend,

Prettylady

I guess it would be funny if without the sarcasm.

Hey! That was the embarrassed smiley....

And the Bob & Tom reference was intended to be self-demeaning...

My attempts at humility go un-rewarded...