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loosegravel

My wife is losing interest & confidence

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Tough situation.

 

First, I wouldn't do the date without her knowing thing. Deception just doesn't sit right with me, and most of the members of the board. It's one of those things where lots can go wrong, and if it does go wrong, she might go nuclear on you.

 

Is she still interested in visiting swinging venues, like clubs and meet and greets?

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Agree - it's a tough issue. Rejection (even if just perceived) can be hard on some people...add that to the fact that she is feeling less than attractive, I can see how she might shy away from wanting to put herself out there. I think that giving her time and space is the right answer. I also echo two's advice, don't do a surprise date, that's not likely to end well.

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But how do I, her husband, make that possible? Or is it even possible?

 

The only way you can get her into it again is to try to understand why she is out of it.

 

I too have lost interest in swinging and it's not because I don't want to do it anymore. Get her to talk about what happened, how she feels, and ask HER how you can help her.

 

DO NOT set up any surprises!!!

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While in bed, watching some porn, she opened up and told me that 'the men who she finds attractive – are not interested in her.'

 

Hi, loosegravel. It's so interesting that you wrote the above because there are times when I have recently uttered or thought the same thing for myself. First things first...if she's not happy with how she looks physically or feels emotionally, she needs to find it in herself to make the effort to do something about it and work towards making herself happy. No matter who or how many men will knock on her door, it's never going to be enough to make her truly happy.

 

Second, is it possible to find a former playmate that you two have kept in touch with who is still interested in playing with her? Sometimes we play with a playmate that we've known since the start of our swinging journey and it helps bring me "out of the dumps" for a bit.

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Hi, loosegravel. It's so interesting that you wrote the above because there are times when I have recently uttered or thought the same thing for myself. First things first...if she's not happy with how she looks physically or feels emotionally, she needs to find it in herself to make the effort to do something about it and work towards making herself happy. No matter who or how many men will knock on her door, it's never going to be enough to make her truly happy.

 

Well, she's happy with herself - she's just not happy with the rejection factor. That's something she has to learn to cope with and not let it get the best of her....easy for me to say, but I'm unsure how to help her realize it.

 

 

Second, is it possible to find a former playmate that you two have kept in touch with who is still interested in playing with her? Sometimes we play with a playmate that we've known since the start of our swinging journey and it helps bring me "out of the dumps" for a bit.

 

That's an idea that I consider more promising. We met a SM in the lifestyle about 8 years ago who at that time was part of a couple. We still consider him a good friend and maintain contact. Unfortunately, we moved about 4 hours away and our opportunities diminished due to the distance.

 

We have since met another couple much closer and have been fortunate enough to have been able to attend two of their house parties. Hopefully, there will be more. I have to add, that one of those house parties about a year ago was a big positive for my wife - she had a fantastic time. Over the course of the party, she was truly busy with several of the male guests and I know she made them very happy, too.

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Your wife isn't losing interest, she is losing confidence. No one likes rejection whether real or imagined. We all look in the mirror and see our bodies changing. I try like heck to make myself attractive without pushing. I am not big on makeup or getting overdressed. I would be mad at Mike if he set something up behind my back.

We actually enjoy finding men who are not in the LS. We have men who are willing in hotels that cater to businessmen. I have found some very attractive men, some younger men, who can't turn down a chance of free sex while traveling. Yes some run when I say my husband is at a table across the room and wants to be there but some are happy to not be alone.

Don't take it as rejection, there are plenty of takers.

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Your wife isn't losing interest, she is losing confidence. No one likes rejection whether real or imagined.....

 

I think you summed it up very well. That's what I'm seeking an answer for...I think some of the suggestions - yours included - are spot on. I know house parties offer the best opportunities for her (and me!).

Hopefully, these opportunities come sooner than later.

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I gather she is in her upper 30s. I can tell you think she still has what it takes and she is attractive to you. Is she trying to hard? Believe me we still enjoy a true swing with another couple. Mike is still very much into being with women but he also enjoys me being with men sometimes with him joining in, he is straight, or just watching. I said we sometime go to hotels and bars looking for me to pick up a guy. I feel like crap if after talking to a man he doesn't find that he wants to be with me. Not every guy on the road is looking to get a piece but most will play and tease and talk to a woman who shows interest. I also dress down, not up. I don't want the lonely soul to think I am looking for a pay day. I wear minimal makeup, no perfume, and dress as if I just had a hard day an am now relaxing. I don't come on strong or desperate. I let the guy think he is in control. I might touch him on his arm or his leg or even let my leg touch his. I have seen a number of men become excited and hide it. I subtlety will let him know I am available. The biggest obstacle is if they move on me is when I tell them my husband is watching and he wants to watch us. I have been called many names including f'n weird and sick and they have called my husband worse things and question his manhood. It is all in this play. But we have found 20's, 30's and 50's to go along. The 30-40 ones think they can do anything, the 50s are happy to get anything if they can are also the ones who want to please the most.

I don't get mad if guys turn me down or think what they want. I am sure of myself and we just enjoy they play almost as much as the real play.

By the way, we have done this just a few times but all have been fun if not completely successful. If your wife needs some advice she can PM me, I would happy to give her the Rah rah rah.

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I gather she is in her upper 30s. I can tell you think she still has what it takes and she is attractive to you......

 

Truth be told, my wife is 40-something. She definitely still has what it takes to turn me on and if given the opportunity, to turn on any man. I know, cuz I've seen her do it....

 

She just feels that time is catching up to her and those men she feels are handsome & attractive don't seem to feel the same towards her - at least in the 'introduction phase.'

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We age, there's nothing we can do about it other than take care of ourselves and find grace in the wisdom of age. Outward attractiveness fails us all in time - however, the pool you're fishing in might be more of the trouble. Young 20 or 30 something men may not want a 40 year old woman; that's just a fact of life. In time, physical attractiveness changes to grace, wisdom, and intellect. A mind is a sexy thing.

 

I am 44. At about 40, my youthful look began to fail. My confidence fell with it. I am now coming to accept what looks back at me in the mirror each morning as a middle aged sex pot as opposed to the older women the young bucks don't have interest in. Their loss, I'm a great lay :)

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Men age too. Some get better with age. Some are more attentive as well. I was attracted to a younger guy and believe me, give me an older guy if all were like him.

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Yesterday, we ran into a similar issue here. We are very new at swinging, only met one couple two times now. First time went not ok due to emotional-starter-issues, second date was great. MsDiscover enjoyed it, we were both very happy with it. Now, three months later, she indicated she was open for a third date. We have to plan well in advance, work & kids demand calendars and schedules to be consulted etc. So we were asking the other couple if they wanted to have a third date too. And if so, when.

 

Back came an okay and two dates in the next months, on one we are abroad, leaving just one other date. Chances Aunt Flo is visiting that weekend are big, but because we really wanted to date, we decided to just go ahead and confirm. If sex would not be an option, we would still have a great vanilla weekend with them. We already looked for a nice place to stay, like a hotel or cosy B&B. But the other couple declined, now they only want to visit us that day in a hotel for the evening, not staying, no afternoon to meet. Only sex in the hotel room.

 

We are not thrilled by that, feels a bit cheap. It makes MsD feel being rejected, not being wanted enough to invest in more then an evening. It has killed all her enthusiasm and she doubts the whole swinging idea again. I can understand why she feels that way, but then again it is only one couple and they are beginners too. Maybe we are not a good match after all. Added problem is MsD is not open now for building up contact with another couple or man, thinks it is too much hassle for a chance of another (as she sees it now) failure.

 

Of course I reassured that such outcome is not always the case and she is still very interactive, exciting and I still love here very much. But I don't want to see her hurt like that so storing away the LS idea for now looks like a good idea. Also because we already have learned, the last 6 months, that overreacting and pushing does not help at all. But time can.

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