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Wife wants to stop swinging but I don't.

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Hello, my wife has made it clear she doesn't want to try swinging anymore. We did have a short time that she was interested in it too and it seemed like she was really enjoying herself. But the couple we are with was too pushy and that scared her away from the entire thing. Since then I've tried to convince her to try again but it failed miserably and I know now it's not a good idea to try again anytime soon. But, what now? I constantly have feelings of wanting to do this and I don't know what to do about them. I don't want to stop wanting to do this. What do I do now?

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You need to talk to your wife. Communication in anything is key. Explain to her that you understand her need to quit, but you still want to. DO NOT try to talk her back into it. Simply explain that you have feelings that leave you wanting to continue, but you respect her and her decision. Ask her to understand your feelings and that it might take a small amount of time for you to just not think about it anymore.

 

If she is quitting only because of the other couple being pushy, then you can talk to her about how not all couples are like that. But do not approach her in such a way that you are trying to talk her into swinging again. Simply explain to her that you wanted her to know, regardless of her decision, not everyone is like that. Maybe over time she will rethink her position.

 

But the bottom line is when one says NO it means NO. So if she is adamant about stopping, then thats what you do. You love your wife and only want her happy. So stopping is gonna have to be the thing to do if this is what she wants.

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Well we've definately already stopped. If I even mention this to her at all it starts a fight. The last time I brought it up I simply shared a fantasy idea with her and she got upset and asked me "We're not going to go through this again are we?". I really do think it was this couple that scared her away, but she doesnt use them as a reason against it. To her it's more like it's just not proper to do this. To the point that anyone who chooses to do it is a nutcase, in her opinion. She had allowed herself to enjoy it for a little while and then clammed up right after the other guy was being a total jerk.

 

The problem I have is everyone here seems to think it's just easy to give this up if the other person isnt interested. I don't understand how this is any different from being gay. If this is your sexual preference then so be it, good for you. Can you expect someone else to be like you if they're not? No, of course not. But why is it OK for someone else to expect you to not be this way and that be OK? Honestly, expecting a person to not be interested in swinging when they are is no different then a social conservative expecting gay people not to be gay, in my opinion. I have the right to feel this way and I dont want to stop. I know I can't expect my wife to join me but at the same time I feel like she doesn't love me the same way I love her because she can't accept me for who I am.

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How long ago did she put her foot down?

 

I know I've gone through spells where I just didn't feel like "pursing" couples or playing with anyone else but Mr. Fun. I've never been angry over it nor has any swinging topics ever caused a fight (although as I type this, I do recall a heated discussion once), but I have backed off.

 

It sounds like all of this is very fresh. Give her TIME (and I'm not talking a few days or weeks -- let several, maybe even six months pass) before you bring it up again. Time does heal wounds and makes the bad things in life not seem so bad.

 

Good luck! Don't mistake the comments here ... you just need a little patience :)

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It's been quite a few months. We never actually touched another couple. We played "Strip Go Fish" since that was the card game everyone knew. The truth is we were not very attracted to the other couple anyway. We opened up to them though because at first they seemed very friendly and personality made up for looks as we were seeming to become friends. But if we had the chance to do it over again I don't think we would have gotten to know this couple very well in the first place.

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Well we've definately already stopped. If I even mention this to her at all it starts a fight. The last time I brought it up I simply shared a fantasy idea with her and she got upset and asked me "We're not going to go through this again are we?".

 

Its possible that she feels pressured by you bringing it up. Not that you have pressured her intentionally, just that she might feel that way. Its difficult to have conversations like this without making the other person feel pressure. Make sure you choose your words carefully and explain to her that you are not trying to pressure her, but simply understand the why she wants to stop.

Hopefully you two can communicate about this until the reason for stopping comes out.

 

I really do think it was this couple that scared her away, but she doesnt use them as a reason against it. To her it's more like it's just not proper to do this. To the point that anyone who chooses to do it is a nutcase, in her opinion. She had allowed herself to enjoy it for a little while and then clammed up right after the other guy was being a total jerk.

 

It could be the other couple that put her off. It honestly could be that she did this for a while and come away from it feeling dirty and cheap. Its important that both of you are honest with each other. Have her come here and look over your posts. It might help her see your point of view easier. Sometimes we as humans are more open with others and give more details than we would with our spouse, whom we assume should just "know". If it is a matter of people in the lifestyle are jerks, she will get to know alot of people here that are not jerks. If its a matter of feeling dirty, then perhaps her posting here on this board about her feelings will generate responses from other women who have been through the same thing, which might help her out.

 

The problem I have is everyone here seems to think it's just easy to give this up if the other person isnt interested. I don't understand how this is any different from being gay. If this is your sexual preference then so be it, good for you. Can you expect someone else to be like you if they're not? No, of course not. But why is it OK for someone else to expect you to not be this way and that be OK? Honestly, expecting a person to not be interested in swinging when they are is no different then a social conservative expecting gay people not to be gay, in my opinion. I have the right to feel this way and I dont want to stop. I know I can't expect my wife to join me but at the same time I feel like she doesn't love me the same way I love her because she can't accept me for who I am.

 

For us if one of us wanted out, its very simply this case. If one wants out we get out. Its that easy. But those are the actions. That by no means refers to the feelings. Would the one who wanted out expect the one who didn't to just quit wanting to swing? For us, no this isn't the case. I would expect my husband to stop, but I would not expect him to stop wanting. That I feel would be unreasonable. Its just like separating sex from love when you enter the lifestyle. When you exit, you separate the participation from the want. Over time, perhaps wanting it does not take up too much thinking time.

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My question for you is...What specifically does swinging provide for you ,so much, that you "Don't want to stop wanting this"? What do you get out of it OR (as I understand your history) what do you think you will get out of it?

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:iagree:

 

Wanting and doing are different things. If your wife called an end to it, and you've stopped pursuing, then you've done all you can at this exact moment. I know how exciting it is when getting started and how thrilling the whole "chase" can be. You don't want it to end, and you especially don't want it to end without fulfillment of some kind. You are more than entitled to those feelings.

 

Give your wife a good chunk of time. She may come to you one day and go "Oh honey - I had this crazy dream about swinging..." and your window opens up again. Don't stop thinking about it. It's a great fantasy...but for now, that's just what it has to be.

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You're right.. Bringing it up at all.. I think she thinks I am trying to argue for it again, which I admit I did really try hard to convince her. The problem is a day doesnt go by that I don't think about it, it's very hard for me.

 

Her reasons for not wanting to do it has been mainly "I don't wan't to, you can't force me to, I don't have to explain to you why I don't want to". Also at other times she has expressed concern about her being nervous of how she looks to other people, but I don't see why that has to be a show stopper. I find her very attractive, certainly my boner agrees with this! :) I cannot see why there isn't people out there who would find her as attractive as I do (infact she is Very beautiful), and who would be much more respectful to us and our relationship.

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ANGEDKY(mr):

I've always had fantasies of being with multiple people at a time. So does everyone else (mostly) I guess, but I just cant stop wanting a threesome or the like. It's not really about variety, as to me straight sex with one person is the same with another. I'm mainly interested in activities that are not possible with just one other person.

 

ohash01:

That's just it. I try to keep it a fantasy but while I am sitting there fantasizing my desire for it to be real kicks in and doesn't stop. It happens almost every time and then I have this depressing feeling of being alone (in my desires) and guilt (for still wanting something my wife doesn't want).

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Guest Jalean73

I can empathize with your wife. Hubby and I are very new to this "still looking for our first playmate/s". Anyways, some days I'm all for swinging, and then someone says something, and old insecurties arise, and I end up running away from it as fast as possible.

Could it be that she sees how much your into the whole swing idea and it leaves her feeling and wondering why she's not enough for you? To me it sounds like ya'll need to reconnect. I'm not saying you have to stop wanting, but for us our marriage is more important then wanting swinging.

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Interesting thread. Interesting situation.

 

Let me get this straight:

 

- Husband would like to see a plethora of naked bodies and indulge in various acts of sexuality with others, and have some good clean fun before he's too old. He'd like to touch/see/taste other women - hopefully at the same time - while presumably his wife would do the same.

 

- Wife's position is, "over my dead body. You will see/touch/taste ONE naked body. EVER."

 

That's the gist of the story, right?

 

Where I come from, we have a word for that...

 

We call it MARRIAGE!

 

(Or, I guess a vanilla marriage, if you will)

 

Desire does us all in, doesn't it?

 

Great opening page from my favorite book:

 

==========

The Wrong Question

Lust brings out the liar in everyone. Every erection has Pinocchio written up and down its length—yes, everybody wants to be REAL, a real boy, an honest woman, unafraid and upright—but then desire, the ultimate honesty, does us in. Desire doesn’t give a whit about shame. Our secrets, our exaggerations and distractions, it’s all just a lot of twisting in the wind as far as sex is concerned—what we want WILL come out.

 

When we talk about sex to each other, one-on-one, we open a well-worn box of lovers’ lies – fake orgasms, promises of fidelity, boastful exploits. But on a social stage, lying about sex grows to such a grandiose level that instead of just answering with fibs and false hoods, our collective breath doesn’t even pose an honest question.

==========

 

I guess this boils down to one of my five courses of action:

 

1 - Cheat

2 - Get divorced

3 - Have an open marriage

4 - Grin and bear it. Welcome to monogamy.

5 - Get back into the lifestyle.

 

3 and 5 work for me.

1 and 2 would be a shame.

4 is not really that fair, in our opinion.

 

To all those vanilla spouses who think #4 is THE option... Well that explains why #1 and #2 are so prevelant in society, I guess.

 

Think of your top options of these five, and then ask your wife.

 

Good luck!

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I know stopping can be heart breaking, your desire is so strong and her fighting you seems so unfair. I have been there in our beginnings in the BDSM lifestyle, i wanted it so bad it hurt, and i really did go crazy for a while, It caused so many problems for a while, then eventually he understood the reason i wanted it so bad. Eventually it came down to what he wanted. We took it very slow and let him make the first move. Sometimes letting the other take the lead. bring it up from time to time, Don't push it, but keep it on the back burner and let it simmer. She may come back to it when she sees how important it is to you. And gets over her own feelings, i can understand her feelings as well, when we firtst got into this it was tramatizing to me as well. but eventually it became less of a moral thing and more of a fun thing, and it did really improve our sexlife, and our marriage, Communication became easier as we were working for something for the 2 of us, not the kids or work etc. Just us

I hope that one day she will see that it isn't all bad, and it can be a good thing. Till then relaxe and get to know each other again.

 

Chantal

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I talked to her last night and showed her the thread. She said she doesn't want to talk about it here because it's no way to deal with problems. Also said that she just wished I would go find someone else to do with it (in otherwords leave her). I told her I didn't want that and I just wanted to talk about it. I asked her about why she didnt want to and she said she just didnt find it interesting and found it gross. Overall I just felt more guilty about talking about it again and although we didnt get into a fight I really got the impression she rather I had not brought it up again.

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Congratulations for bringing her to this thread. I know it didn't work as you had hoped, but maybe time will tell. She may take the website information and some time when you aren't around she'll take some time to read through these threads. Once she does that, she'll find that true lifestyle couples are those that respect each other above all else, have very strong marriages, have a great sex life at home, love each other more than life, and have a great deal of communication.

 

You still need to be patient. I presume that your marriage is the most important part of this story. If so, your patience is needed. You need to continue your own relationship, love your wife, communicate with her - not necessarily about swinging, and let her know that she is the most important thing in your life.

 

And stay patient and loving. Things could come around to your way of thinking. COULD... no guarantee. You will need to decide what is the most important priority - swinging, or your marriage. I hope your answer will be your marriage. If it's not, then your marriage isn't strong enough to start swinging.

 

Sarah

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Thanks for answering!

 

Some ideas I would probally share (if I were in your shoes)

 

1) You understand and value her feelings and opinions on swinging

 

2) At least she gave it a whirl, not everyone out there will do that--Thankyou very much appreciated

 

3) You won't bring up the subject again, if she has a change of heart it is up to her to make it known

 

4) you would like her to pick something new for both of you to explore TOGETHER and that you are willing to give anything a try, just as she did for you.

 

Maybe that will help relieve some of the tension, allow her to have the reins and show her that you value her,as your wife, more than a puppy pile of nekkid bodies. I understand your quest as a fantasty, yet there are so many other things you can focus that energy into, that may (in the end) come full circle.

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It's too bad so many couples don't discuss this type of stuff BEFORE they got married... Monogamy is just 'assumed' for 99% of couples under the altar.

 

It's too bad.

 

If everyone was just honest from the moment they met... I think there would be a lot more harmonious marriages out there....

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It's too bad so many couples don't discuss this type of stuff BEFORE they got married... Monogamy is just 'assumed' for 99% of couples under the altar.

 

It's too bad.

 

If everyone was just honest from the moment they met... I think there would be a lot more harmonious marriages out there....

 

With you on that one my friend.

I had a bad marriage of infidelity, then meet a guy who was so controling that there were no toys, no dirty talk, and get this no masterbating. Ah hell no. Then I met Dog and I was blown away by his blunt honesty. I knew where he stood and what he would like to see in our relationship. He wasn't pushy or demanding. Just open and honest.

Now we are persuing a lifestyle that at times I find scary, but for the most part being here all the swingers I have met have been the cream of the crop so I have no reservations or real fears. Just nervous gitters.

 

I wonder, would your wife be interested in hanging out here with us. This is were all my inhabitions went out of the window. I had all my questions answered, I met a whole heck of alot of great people who want my first experience to be fantastic so advice and support are not in short supply around here.

 

Your friend,

Prettylady :kissface:

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I'm sorry things didn't go as hoped, just be patient, and focus on your marriage for now. I hope things change in the future.

Chantal

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So whats the big deal. If you love your wife and she wants to stop; STOP for her. It will come up later and in the future she may want to go all out and surprise you. But for the sake of your happiness and hers, stop for her and let it rest. ( FOR NOW)

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Some ideas I would probally share (if I were in your shoes)

 

1) You understand and value her feelings and opinions on swinging

 

2) At least she gave it a whirl, not everyone out there will do that--Thankyou very much appreciated

 

3) You won't bring up the subject again, if she has a change of heart it is up to her to make it known

 

4) you would like her to pick something new for both of you to explore TOGETHER and that you are willing to give anything a try, just as she did for you.

 

Maybe that will help relieve some of the tension, allow her to have the reins and show her that you value her,as your wife, more than a puppy pile of nekkid bodies. I understand your quest as a fantasy, yet there are so many other things you can focus that energy into, that may (in the end) come full circle.

 

:iagree: I totally agree....great ideas!!!

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Well we've been split up for a week now, I've been staying at my mothers for the past week. I just really wish she'd accept a tamer comprimise, such as webcamming or same room sex. I've told her that we dont HAVE to touch other people, but she is unwilling to consider this either.

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Well we've been split up for a week now, I've been staying at my mothers for the past week. I just really wish she'd accept a tamer comprimise, such as webcamming or same room sex. I've told her that we dont HAVE to touch other people, but she is unwilling to consider this either.

 

 

You have split up because you could not accept the fact she doesn't want to swing -- or minimally, swing right now?

 

Dude, you have many more issues in your relationship than your wife not wanting to swing.

 

I hope you figure it out.

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Well that's why we split up - we had a fight about swinging and I went to my mothers. But yea we've realized there's other problems and have talked about them and I feel better about them but I still feel uneasy about not being able to make a comprimise sexually. This has always been a very strong interest of mine. Yes it would have been better if I had made this more clear before we got married but it's too late for that. I wasnt confident enough about expressing these feelings then and I am now.

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You have split up because you could not accept the fact she doesn't want to swing -- or minimally, swing right now?

Well that's why we split up - we had a fight about swinging and I went to my mothers.
No, I think you split up becuase there are to many "I"'s and "You"'s in your line of thinking !

 

 

I just really wish she'd accept a tamer comprimise, such as webcamming or same room sex. I've told her that we dont HAVE to touch other people, but she is unwilling to consider this either.

She did compromise. Going from "It's not proper" to couples "Strip fish" is most certainly a compromise on her part. It appears she had all the intent in the world, then the guy was an ass, turned her off and she re-evaluated her priorities and decided it wasn't worth it. Point being if you hate Brussel Sprouts and it was her one dream to serve you Brussel sprouts twice a day, everyday she was with you, at somepoint you would do EXACTLY the same thing she did.......rebeling at the mere notion!

 

Swinging is nothing more than an extravagant toy on the wall in your local adult store. The same toy that appeals to some is litterally disgusting to others. (Envision a football size buttplug :eek: ) See what I'm gettin at here?

 

Sorry 'bout what happened and the timing certainly blows ass. Yet, if you change your perception of things, it might all just work out. It's either that or having the Judge educate you on compromise!

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I totally see your point. And I've tried it. For several months after this I was queit about it and left it alone. But occasionally out of the blue she would make comments about how she thought swingers were creepy and pushy people/etc. And it got to me, I dont beleive they are all this way. This board is proof of that.

 

But I cant agree with your analogy. I cant see this as a sex toy on the wall or a bressel sprout. I know you're speaking figuratively and get your point but just disagree. As it is often called, I see it more of a "lifestyle".

 

A totally different problem that some couples face (luckily not us) is one of the members of the couple wanting a career that requires them to travel and be gone a lot. This too is a lifestyle preference. I wholeheartedly agree with the thinking that the relationship is worth more then this. At least we dont have this problem. But I can at least understand how the person would be unhappy in their life if that's something that was really important to them. To me, that's just a difference in people and it's OK that others wish to do this. This is also no different then being gay. That too is a lifestyle preference.

 

What I'm wanting in comprimise is something we know we already enjoyed together. We did the webcam thing and it was very exciting. We had great sex during and after. I know she had fun. This was with this same couple early on and we actually enjoyed giving the show more then watching it. Same room sex just boils down to live porn, with one important difference. You're part of the show. And it's that which excites me so much.

 

The biggest problem I think she has with this is she is afraid that this will just make me want more then this all the more. But truth is when we were talking to that other couple she was actually going farther with it faster then me and it made me have uncomfortable feelings too. I guess what I'm trying to say is I know I can promise her a no touch rule and truly be happy with it.

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If you love swinging more than you love her, then I think your decision is pretty easy. Your wife is probably going to be better off without you. It's good to get this selfishness out in the open before this went on any longer. It's better than her being with someone that doesn't put her before anyone and anything else. Maybe someday, she'll find a decent guy to be with.

 

Mr. Truelove

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I think that you are to imature to realize what you have in your wife. SOMEONE who DOES NOT want to screw anyone else or just play the game of casual sex. You have a champion there and DO NOT realize it. Now YOU being the MAN of the house, live up to your responsiblity, casual sex with other women with her there or not, or KEEPING your wife in tact and the marrage the same way. FORGET the swinging and forget about WHAT "YOU" want. Go to her and say "YES" WE will do it your way. Get out of your MOMMIES house. Then go get counseling and help from a PROFESSIONAL THERIPIST and stop whinning about it. DO WHAT THE HELL IS RIGHT in this situation.

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aahours, he probably would, but its not what he WANTS....WAAAAAAA :sad:

 

Grow up JustFun. I have been about as nice as I am gonna be where this situation is concerned. (And you can thank my lack of nicotine for that). You sit here at this board whining about how your wife doesn't want to swing anymore and you still do, and how you want a compromise. Tell me, what have you done to deserve a compromise? You are at your mothers split from your wife because you didn't get your way. My 8 year old acts like that on occasion. He doesn't get the toy he wants from Wal-Mart and when we get home he goes off to his room to pout. I just let him do it, and he still doesn't get the toy. Now he knows that pouting doesn't get him his way. And one day his wife might actually thank me for teaching him that lesson.

 

So, here is what you should do. Find a phone book and open it up to the yellow pages to ATTORNEYS. Call whichever one you want. Tell him you are a shallow spoiled brat who wants to fuck various women and your wife prefers not to. Then tell him to file the papers for divorce. Give your wife her fair share, take yours, and go your merry ways. Let her find someone that is going to be kind and loving enough to give her what she needs. Then, several years from now while you are at a club, watch her walk in with her new husband and have the time of her life. Why will she walk in with him and not you? Because he won't be selfish and pushy. He will be understanding and patient, waiting for her to approach him and he will be grateful enough that she even tried that she will be able to discover the fun to be had at a pace that is comfortable for her. Meanwhile, as a single guy in the swinging world, you have about a 2% chance of actually making it, because the very very few that do seek out single men, don't seek out selfish ones with no cares for anyone but themselves.

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You guys are right. I think I'm dwelling it on it so much though in an effort to spice things up, make things fun again. If I take swinging out of the picture there are still problems that bother me. We never get time to ourselves anymore. Her parents want to do stuff every weekend, we work for them too, both of us, even now. Her and her mom talk a lot every day. We are either at work, or we have kids, we never have time away from them. I guess I just wish we could be more independant and have more time for us. It never changes no matter how much we talk and agree it needs to. I just feel stuck surviving. She is very easily excited about thinking about what we can do or get for the kids all the time. They have way too many toys and the house is is very cluttered. I wish we could stop getting them so much crap. I wish she could put some of that time into us. She has a very much attitude that we just gotta do what we gotta do for work and kids all the time. Her parents put her through hell at work all the time and she gets very cranky. That'll never change. She has an attitude about that, just says nothing she can do about it. We've been to counseling before, and the counselour quickly just asked us why we were even there, seemed like we got along great. We're very private people and sharing our personal matters with strangers is tough for us. We recognize problems all the time and agree on how to handle them, but never does it actually change. Swinging has just been the problem this last year or so, but this same type of thing has happened to us repeatedly throughout the entire time we've known each other. Often over different things. I think the only problem that has always been there is that she can't seem to break away from her family enough to be independant. They are very opinionated and judgemental people and I get really tired of hearing about it all the time. She flip-flops on that all the time. Sometime she sees them for who they are and it bothers her, sometimes she defends them like they're angels. When we first met she used to see the problems more, now she defends them more.

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I hope things work out for the best. Don't stress to much over the accusations of you being selfish. This lifestyle wouldn't exist if not for some selfishness.

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Ok, you have a problem with your wife focusing on your children? If you wanted more "couple time", then maybe you should have put off having children and focused on each other more.

 

How long have you been together? What type of relationship do/did you have with your parents? It seems like you are having a temper tantrum (and I've been known to have them on occasion...*lol*) that you are not getting enough attention when it seems she is focused else where (the family the two of you created, her family that provides you with income, ect).

 

Not to be too blunt about it, but duh? When you have kids, the focus tends to shift towards them.

 

All I can say is good luck. Find another job where you are not so dependent on her family for your income/well being, and for God-sake...have a date night a couple times a month where it's just the two of you to reconnect. Don't drag her to a strip club or swingers bar...take her to a nice dinner, talk about any thing but the kids, get to know each other again. Yes, you both know there are problems, but make that commitment to each other to go out 2 nights a month.

 

Again,

 

Good luck....

 

Maria :kissface:

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