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Husband wants me to swing

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:confused: My husband wants us to swing as a couple, however, I am not comfortable doing so. He gets very upset with me and than I start feeling bad. I would like to know if anyone has any advice for me. I feel this goes against my morals. Thank you, Chloe

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Chloe,

Most of the people here will tell you that this is an activity that is only successful if both people in the relationship want to do it. The people that succeed seem to be totally committed to their relationships, have great sex lives with each other, and don't need to swing to keep them happy. If you can't seperate sex from love and feel that it is immoral, then you shouldn't be swinging. The fact that he is angry for you feeling the way you do is not going to help matters. You guys may be at an impass. At no time would any of the people here (I believe) think that swinging was more important than keeping their relationship intact.

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It's funny that you say it's against your morals and upbringing, yet you're here asking advice from all of these people here who practice this thing that's against your morals ;)

 

Of course about everyone here thinks swinging can be a great thing, but also if you've read around the forum a bit you'd find opinions all over the place saying that you don't get into anything you're not comfortable with and you don't push anyone into anything they're not comfortable with. It just doesn't work if you're not both on the same page, only bad things can come of it.

 

That being said, I say you go for it!!

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Hi there Chloe. Swinging isn't for everyone and if you feel it's not right for you then it's something you shouldn't be doing. Especially don't do it if you're husband is making you feel bad about it. It should be a positive experience and not something forced on someone. You can still look into it if you wish and see how others have overcome the issues you're also having. Also you should bring your husband here and read how pushing his wife into doing something she isn't wanting to do can have the opposite effect and push her away. If you get nothing else from these forums you'll learn how communication, listening, talking and understanding are key to a healthy happy marriage. Good luck to you and don't let anyone talk you into doing something you don't think is good for you or your marriage.

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The reason why I am here is because he said that I should check it out. He has shown me messages on here to try to help me with my issues. I feel like I would be committing adultery - though he says it is not, because I would have his consent.

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I could separate sex and love. My husband and I do have an execellent marriage, we have been married for 22 yrs and also have an excellent sex life and that is one reason why I don't understand why he needs this as well. He tells me that it will enhance our relationship.

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Well put AliLo. I think that's where I was headed but didn't articulate it very well. :)

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chloe,

 

What do YOU want to do. That is what matters here.

 

You can not swing because someone else wants you to. As has been said, Swinging is NOT for everyone.

 

If you are comfortable with it, go for it, if not then don't. Nothing you read here is going to make you feel better about yourself if you do something you do not want to do.

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The reason why I am here is because he said that I should check it out. He has shown me messages on here to try to help me with my issues. I feel like I would be committing adultery - though he says it is not, because I would have his consent.

 

Take a look through the board, checking out the various posts and topics. If you then feel it's something you would be interested in and can handle, then great! If not, well that's cool too. If you could do a search on here for "Swinging is not for everyone", you would probably get back more results than you would have time to read. No one here is going to try to "recruit" you into the lifestyle. The last thing any of us want is to hook up with a couple where the wife or husband of the other couple "freaks out" during play. If both couples aren't interested and eager, then you shouldn't do it.

 

Your husband suggested it, and if you aren't comfortable with it at this point in your life, then that's it.

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Good morning Chloe,

 

I have a very good idea where you are coming from. My first wife was and my second wife is very religious.

 

My first wife and I got into swinging without enough talking about it and that did cause issues. Long story short, after her first try, the Bible hit the floor and she was off to the races with swinging and left me in the dust. Up to that point, I was the only one she had sex with and now was playing to find out what she had missed. She forgot to bring me along on some of the adventures (this was the issue) and I felt left out, I wanted to participate. So like everyone here said, talk it out and DO NOT get into something you are not comfortable with.

 

My second wife is like you in that she has said she wants nothing to do with it and I do not push the issue but I have found some things she does like in the lifestyle without her even knowing it. We travel to Hedonism II where we only play with each other and do not swing with other couples. We have played around in public there as well as in our hot tub when swinger friends come over and everyone respects the others limits! This is referred to as soft swinging by most and she does not even realize she is doing it. We also only camp now at nude campgrounds and do nude beaches as we have found the folks there to be the best folks we meet anywhere. They are friendly, helpful, and social. Ever go to a public beach and sit there among thousands and never talk to anyone? That does not happen at nude beaches as people are open to talk and socialize. We found our first nude beach at Tahoe on our honeymoon and have only been back to one regular beach in 10 years, which was due to a family reunion. You may find that you have some common areas but you are going to have to look hard to find it and define just what you are willing to do.

 

Now to answer what I seen in the post as an implied question: “Why does he want me to do this, am I not enough?” The answer is yes you probably are. I can not answer for him why he may want to swing but I can answer why, even with the first disaster, that I want my wife to do anything she will. Look at yourself as the most precious thing you have as a possession, lets say for instance, a million dollar diamond necklace. Now you wear it to work one day and not a single person notices. How do you feel the necklace? Now a group of woman come up and ooh and ah around you and wants to try it on. They give it back and tell you how wonderful it is. How do you feel about it now? I like to do things with my wife anyway I can so that I can show the world how great she is and that she has chosen me of all people to be with.

 

Just my thoughts, I hope it gives you some food for thought. Poke around the board and ask any questions you want. The people her will not “flame” or degrade you for asking. Like the beaches, campgrounds, and Hedo, they will help you anyway they can and do not even know you. How many other people can you count in your life that will without judging you?

 

Good luck

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On the main point, I am with VegasLee... if your heart isn't in it, don't do it!

 

DJJWP (hope I got that right) also made some good points. I'm not sure I am with him on the diamond necklace metaphor, though. Sure, I suppose it does make me feel good that other people (M & F) find my wife attractive... but hey, I already knew that. More important, to me she's the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.. she's says that I'm biased, but how could that be?

 

For me, the lifestyle's big rush is the look on her face when she is really hot.... the crazy grin on my face when we are "dirty dancing" with another couple... the excitement we feel getting ready... the high we have together for sometimes days after. Its just another really fun thing that we have together.

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ALilOEverything said:
Hi there Chloe. Swinging isn't for everyone and if you feel it's not right for you then it's something you shouldn't be doing. Especially don't do it if you're husband is making you feel bad about it. It should be a positive experience and not something forced on someone. You can still look into it if you wish and see how others have overcome the issues you're also having. Also you should bring your husband here and read how pushing his wife into doing something she isn't wanting to do can have the opposite effect and push her away. If you get nothing else from these forums you'll learn how communication, listening, talking and understanding are key to a healthy happy marriage. Good luck to you and don't let anyone talk you into doing something you don't think is good for you or your marriage.

Wow, those were some great suggestions.

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chloe,

 

You mention that your husband gets very upset and that makes you start feeling bad. Let me say that you shouldn't feel bad at all. In fact, you should have steam blowing out of your ears like a tea kettle at full boil. In fact, darned near everyone on this Board should, as well, in my opinion.

 

No one, on this Board, or anywhere else can make up your mind for you about what is, or isn't, moral. And, please, don't let anyone, including your husband try to convince you that it's an "issue", or "issues", that you have. (I'm beginning to dislike the word "issue" for it's negative connotation as much as I dislike hearing people use "disrespect" as a verb. "Concern" sounds friendlier to me.)

 

I don't consider swinging immoral, and my wife and I don't swing. I have a great deal of respect for the members of this Board and I know, from spending a lot of time reading the posts, what is meant when they refer to "enhancing their relationships". Your husband is being totally unfair to you when he grabs a phrase, out of context, and tries to pass it off like a sales pitch. It's cheap, and no one out here seriously concerned about their spouse or "significant other" would pull that kind of crap (there I go again) on someone they love.

 

The topic of "adultery" falls into the same category as far as I'm concerned, even if I will - reluctantly - agree with your husband on that point. That, however, is my point of view and shouldn't sway you one way or the other.

 

The "heart and soul" of this lifestyle is about you and your husband. There isn't one couple out here, truly committed to one another, that would put their relationship in jeopardy by swinging. It's a means, not an end.

 

Van

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Chloe, tell hubby cool his jets a bit. It won't fall off. Seriously, shame on him for trying to pressure you into something that obviously makes you feel uncomfortable. I would tell him, from the bottom of your heart, how his attitude towards swinging makes you feel. Perhaps that would prompt him to share his true motivations with you. This sounds scary, but I'm sure you will find that his intentions are good ones. Build on that.

 

I dunno, I liked the diamond necklace analogy. I'd take it a step in a different direction though. Let's say your husband was this gorgeous strand of pearls. You fell in love with it the moment you saw it. You wore it everyday and the pearls gained more lustre from being worn every day. Eventually putting on the pearls every morning became second nature and you thought nothing of it. They were so comfortable to wear and you felt naked without them. Imagine some day another woman, a friend of yours, noticed this beautiful strand of pearls. She remarked at how lovely they were, glanced at them all the time... Feeling generous, you hesitantly let her try them on. You see how beautiful they make her feel, you know exactly what she is feeling, you see how lovely they look on her neck. But she gives them back to you because they do not belong to her. She tells you you're a lucky woman to have such a thing of beauty around your neck, and suddenly you realize just how right she is. You fall in love with the pearls all over again.

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Intuition

 

You are right....its not a metaphor... its an analogy!

 

But, I still don't quite buy it. Are you saying, as the diamond whatsit seemed to, that the joy in swinging is that other people finding your spouse attractive makes he/she more attractive to you? That is what I read in the original post, and it just does't describe how I feel.

 

You have spun it off the original point a bit, and I can relate more closely to your take on it. But, its still a bit too "other directed" for me. (BTW, you are a great writer and a very thoughful commentator. Not dissing your viewpoint at all, just have a different perspective. Or, maybe I am just a bit thick today.)

 

Have a great weekend, all!

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Folks,

 

Don't sell it. (You're "romanticizing" based on your own feelings and/or experiences. Totally understandable, but...)

 

If anything, you should be telling chloe to steer clear of the lifestyle until she's made her mind up. This isn't "mainstream" stuff we're talking about.

 

If there's any group of people on the face of this planet that knows, it's you. Once it's done, it can't be taken back. Some can deal with that and move on (happily). Others might not (sadly).

 

This one scares the hell out of me...

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The reason why I am here is because he said that I should check it out. He has shown me messages on here to try to help me with my issues. I feel like I would be committing adultery - though he says it is not, because I would have his consent...

 

I could separate sex and love. My husband and I do have an execellent marriage, we have been married for 22 yrs and also have an excellent sex life and that is one reason why I don't understand why he needs this as well. He tells me that it will enhance our relationship.

 

Dearest Chloe, I am going to take a position quite different from the rest of the board. Just b/c you think you have "a long term marriage with an excellent sex life" doesn't necessarily mean that your husband feels exactly the same. He clearly wants to spice things up a bit through what he is suggesting, and girl let's face it, he is not exactly feeling sexually monogamous right now in his attempts (and I fully agree that pressure is definitely the wrong way to go about it) to get you into the Lifestyle. But that also does not mean that he does not love you nor no longer finds you attractive. I can't believe it hasn't been said in a post before this one on this thread, but the overwhelming reality regarding involvement in the lifestyle is this quote, "the men may get the women into swinging, but its the women who keep them there (or not)."

 

That being said, our position is that swinging is a great thing, and in time (and by all means, take your own sweet time about it) as you explore the Lifestyle you will probably come to the same conclusion that we all have that swinging is so wonderful you'll wish you started sooner! When and if you get into this you will find out two things about the lifestyle, THE WOMEN RUN THE SHOW, and in your own relationship as it relates to your involvement in the lifestyle, YOU AS THE WOMAN IN THE RELATIONSHIP RUN'S THE SHOW! In other words, nothing happens that you don't want to happen. The most powerful women on this planet are swingers. We all have "issues," but if you are about getting past any issues you think are holding you back, the Lifestyle can be powerfully transformative.

 

CHLOE, IN ORDER TO SWING YOU HAVE TO BECOME A POWERFUL WOMAN! You may already be that, and if you don't think you are, then explore this Lifestyle b/c it will help you become one!

 

Chloe, before you even think about going down this road (and by the way, you posting here and visiting this site is an excellent start) you need to make sure of two things: one, that you own relationship is on rock solid ground and even more importantly, that you and your husband can and do communicate openly, honestly and fairly (it is so true that the swinging lifestyle can enhance a good relationship AND destroy a weak or bad one); and secondly, you need to establish your boundaries (you alone, without your hubby's imput) of what you are willing to explore, PRIOR TO EXPLORING, and NEVER, EVER deviate from those boundaries during the process of exploring (ie: the heat of the moment) no matter what "pressure" others, your hubby, OR EVEN YOURSELF, might put on you to deviate or abandon them.

 

Best wishes, hugs and kisses, and "come on in, the water's great!"

R&D

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Whoa! This is Chloe's husband. She gave me her password so I could defend myself. I am ducking and weaving here.

 

As Paul Harvey says, "This is the rest of the story". She left out some facts that may change your previous ideas. First I would like to thank everyone who has responded to her question. You have been very nice to her and have not beaten me up too bad.

 

We've been together for 28 years, 6 dating and 22 married. I'm glad that she thinks as I do, that our life and communication in and out of the bedroom is great. As many husbands here on this board, I also think my wife is the most beautiful, caring and sensual person I know. How all of us guys got so lucky is beyond my comprehension. A few things about her that determines how she thinks. She was raised a Catholic in a repressive thinking household. (I'm Catholic too, so don't start the rant on me). This upbringing has definitely determined her thoughts to life and sex, as our childhood does to most of us. Now I never pressured her to swing. I only got irritated at her when she wouldn't research all of the facts, good and bad. I believe you have to look at all aspects of everything in life before you jump in. Also, when we were 25 yrs old (another major fact she left out) we had a previous MFM (which was fair at best because the other guy couldn't perform) and she (yes! she!) tried to initiate another one but nothing became of it because another mutual male friend would not participate. Sometimes she thinks these previous experiences will determine future ones. At that time we were naive and didn't know what communication and "girls rule" was all about. Actually the only thing that I've asked her to give some thought to right now is a sensual massage weekend in a controlled environment and I've always given her the option of seeking another MFM or couple, which ever she would feel more comfortable with. I don't really care about the other women thing (which one of the posters mentioned) unless it would make her feel more at ease to have a "swing sister" for guidance and support.

So those are my thoughts so go ahead and give it back to me. I can take it.

 

OH! PS thanks for referring to me as a pearl. Would that be cultured or natural? It must be natural, I don't think I'm that cultured yet.

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I'm going to have to learn to hold my tongue a bit and not jump to conclusions. Sorry if I seemed judgmental at all. I was forming an opinion based on one side of the story.

 

And regarding the pearl necklace analogy, Thank You for the compliment! :o I'm just happy to be here.. lol I think what I was trying to say with that is that when you suddenly notice other people being sexually affected by your husband or wife, you sit up and take notice where you might've otherwise taken their charms for granted. Because you see them every single day. When you invite others into your bedroom this way, yes it does become somewhat 'other' oriented. That's part of the fun of it, to acknowledge that there ARE other people out there whom we find attractive. It's a lot of fun just getting to know these people and getting a brief and very intimate glimpse of their lives. These people are not just walking sex toys, they're real live people and deserve your respect and consideration. But ultimately for us, swinging has always been about growing closer together. We're grateful to our friends for joining us as guests in our bedroom, as they've enabled us to explore aspects of ourselves that would have otherwise gone undeveloped. Likewise, we're more than happy to act as a medium by which they can enhance their relationship with each other. It's a beautiful thing :)

 

Chloe, I would encourage you to learn all you can about swinging, so that you can make an informed decision. It sounds like you've already engaged in some 3some type activity and enjoyed it. Maybe what you're objecting to is the label? I hate labels myself, but I'm proud to be a member of this 'club'. It's not something that everyone can do, it's a little bit naughty, TONS of fun, and lets face it: I'm just a natural rebel. I have a problem with authority :lol: Really I do enjoy the sense of 'rightness' about it, that I can breathe free air, not feeling like there is something that I have to keep from my husband. I don't lose any sleep over it at all. Well, sometimes we do, but that's just because we have company over :lol: Best of luck to you both.

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Well, I, for one, am still scraping whatever it is on my shoe that I stepped in where you're concerned. Like intuition, I was judgmental and, for that, I apologize.

 

With more of the story available, it sounds like the unsuccessful attempts both of you had at threesomes years back have only reinforced chloe's repressive upbringing. She went against "convention" and it backfired. Sounds to me like she saw it as some kind of sign, i.e. if it weren't immoral those encounters would have worked out well rather than the way they did.

 

For what it's worth, I'll reiterate something from my original post. Mrs. Van and I don't swing, but neither of us consider swinging immoral. It's not something that we desire as a couple is all. We live out some of our fantasies and others are earmarked to remain "unrealized" with no sense of loss. That's life and we're happy with ours.

 

I've got a feeling that both of you can come to agreeable terms with this situation. You sound like good folks and I wish you both the best.

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Quote

 

Chloe wrote:

 

I feel like I would be committing adultery - though he says it is not, because I would have his consent.

 

 

The devastating aspect of "adultery" is the lying and betrayal that usually goes with it. In the case of swinging, there is none of that since a couple does it together.

 

Quote

He tells me that it will enhance our relationship.

 

We won't tell you swinging will enhance your relationship, but it has done so for many members of this board. You can find a lot of threads where folks say exactly that. Whether it does the same for y'all is up to the two of you.

 

We would suggest reading the "New Swingers" threads together, looking for subjects that are of interest to y'all. Talk about your feelings, hopes, desires, goals in depth.

 

There is a Liberated Christian Swingers website. We're not sure, but believe it's something like http://www.libchrist.com You might check them out.

 

Good luck, Chloe! ...and don't do anything you feel is wrong.

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Past experiences do not set you up for the future. You learn from them and move on. Sounds like both early attempts were issues from the stand point of the added person and not you two.

 

Try a swinger club and see what happens, if nothing else, you may have a great night out dancing and meet some of the folks here on the board if you are lucky. No club has a rule that you have to do something you don’t want to.

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hello Chloe,

Just thought I would put my two cents in about your concerns. I was in your shoes about 2yrs ago. My husband and I had been married 11yrs when he brought up the idea of swinging. At first I was extemely upset by the idea. I truly thought he wanted my permission to cheat on me. However, he told me it was to spice up our sex life, which had become a little predictable and routine. But more importantly he wanted us to take our marriage to another level of intimacy. I told him I would have to think about it because the idea of him with another woman didn't sit well with me. He showed me the sls site, along with other swinger sites he found and told me take my time. I looked up many articles on swinging and marriage---and read many good things as well as bad. But to make a long story short, the more I read the more I understood what swinging was about and over time i said we could see what it's like. We had a condition that if one of us was uncomfortable or didn't want to swing, we would stop. 2 years later, our marriage is just as great as it was when we started if not better. So only agree to swing if you are 100% sure. If you have any doubt, then you must not go ahead with it. If you should decide not to, then ask your husband why-if he gets mad at your decision. Swinging is not for everyone. My husband got mad the first time I said no to swinging, and til this day I still couldn't understand why when he brought it up to me out of the blue--how was I suppose to react---Men--go figure. We have fun now, and I am glad my husband gave me the time I needed to decide for myself. It was one of the best decisions I made. Good Luck in choice and just remember, BE 100% SURE.

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Swinging will only enhance your relationship if both partners want to swing. And it doesn't sound like Chloe wants to swing. So far SHE has not returned to tell us that she wants to swing. Regardless of her upbringing. Many people here on thsi site have had similar upbringings and have worked past it because it was something THEY wanted to do. I don't think that is the case here. So far, everything that CHLOE has said (not her husband) has lead me to believe that he wants to swing, he wants her to swing, but it is not something she is interested in doing.

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Well I've been reading the posts and the honesty of the posters has given me something to ponder. I'm thinking about giving it another chance, but I'm still researching this board before I make up my mind. We both talk openly about everything and copy posts from here and discuss them. It's just hard for me to open up sometimes and I think that is my stumbling block. I want to, but always hold back. Again, thank you for your help.

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