Married to a non-swinger.

I've been around this site for years. I posted some stories and have enjoyed the forums. Really great site and really great webmistress!

What I'd like to know is just how many of you are here to live the lifestyle vicariously? I know there's got to be more of you like me.

Now I'm a perhaps a little luckier in the fact that my wife did swing with me on five occasions back in the late seventies and early eighties. In fact, with most of the couples, she obviously really enjoyed herself. But, for days and even weeks after each experience she'd be very remorseful. And, since I was on an erotic 'high' it was really difficult for me. I wanted to talk about the experiences, get horny reminiscing, and have sex even more often than we did. And, back then it was really often! It was a real bummer for both of us.

I think that part of it might have been we were both very young and our relationship was also young. But I also know that part of it was the fact she just had some problems dealing with swinging. So, I had to simply keep my desires and fantasies inside.

About six years ago we got online for the first time and I found sites like this one. I also found erotic story sites and picture sites about swinging couples. I enjoyed the experiences that the folks were sharing.

Well, I guess it was inevitable, she found out about my visitations to these sites. We discussed it and she even read a few of the stories. And, to my surprise, she suggested that I write some. Now, she made it clear that she didn't want me to write about our experiences but, since I was a writer, why not post some myself.

I did, and she came alive again reading them. It opened up a dialogue between us that we'd never had in all the years of our marriage. We shared some secret fantasies and I was in heaven. We took a nice trip to Key West for Fantasy Fest..., cybered with some folks online and even exchanged explicit pictures with one couple. But, when we finally met that couple in person she sort of panicked and became so defensive that I was embarrassed for the other couple.

So, I guess that I'm just a swinger who's married to a non-swinger. I think the biggest let down in my life was having things coming back so great, then being so disappointed.

But, my marriage is really great except for that one (albeit large one) incompatibility. It would be nice to hear from other folks in the same predicament though. Maybe we could form a support group? LOL! Seriously though, it feels better just writing this and would be great to hear from others.

Thanks.

I know exactly how you feel. It is an emotional rollercoaster. You don’t know whether you’re coming or going. I refer you to today ‘s post of mine (General swingers stuff/wife loves doing mfm but is reluctant to talk about it), in which I describe a problem that is similar to yours. That is indeed a big incompatibility. In my case it detracts from the pleasure I derive from our private couplings. I just feel less motivated to have sex. Talking about it, the complicity of it all, really really sharing this experience, the communication, the high level of intimacy that is involved, it is all that which brings you closer together. And it is all the more maddening if your mate enjoys the actual event (as was the case with you and is the case with me). I don’t know what to do about it. Talking doesn’t help in my case. She just avoids the subject. I suppose I am also married to a non-swinger, albeit a swinging one. I have many times asked her if she wants to stop, because her enjoying the experience is an absolute prerequisite. But no, she doesn’t want to stop, she likes doing it and wants to continue. Yeah great, but she will not talk about it with me. And before every encounter – not that often, by the way - she gets quite jittery and tetchy and sometimes bites my head off when I ask her if she doesn’t want to slip into something sexy of wear some nice heels for the occasion. Anyway, read my abovementioned post about that. So, all things being equal, I think I am in much the same boat as you. I wish you and your wife the best of luck and hope you can work out your differences.

I had read your post and could relate. I think what you're missing is very similar to what I missed back when my wife and I had adventures with other couples. I'd get so aroused and excited with the anticipation, enjoy the excitement of the new people, and most of all enjoy watching my wife let go and have sex. But, afterwards I was let down because I wanted to enjoy the sex with just her for weeks too. She seemed to be too uptight to have sex for days afterwards.

And isn't that one of the main attractions to swinging? Igniting the couples passions?

Rich

And isn't that one of the main attractions to swinging? Igniting the couples passions?

This is a really fascinating topic that I suspect a lot can relate to who surf through here, read around with hopeful expectations and then disappear.

First off, I want to say that I appreciate what Rich is saying - that you have these interests, but you live "vicariously" through the board. More married men in your situation who do post, do so to try to impress upon swingers to help them destroy their marriage. I don't get that from you - and it is as refreshing as it is admirable.

You are right - the surprising benefit of swinging has been the communication that we have with each other (we talk about sex and swinging constantly - filling "everyday" conversations with flirtatious or outright raunchy talk) and this - along with the memories of certain playtimes - fuels what was already a very active sex life. We have moved from five times a week to frankly losing count!

It seems to me that maybe your wife, Rich, is struggling not so much with remorse as with jealousy. Maybe she would enjoy living "vicariously" with you, but can't actually handle the act of swinging. She seemed to enjoy the stories and such, so maybe if you took here to that point again - and then just backed off, letting her enjoy it right there without feeling the pressure to move forward...

Spoomonkey

Spoonmonkey,

Thanks for the nice response. And, I've read a lot of your posts and envy your relationship!

I think you did hit on a good point too. Jealosy and possessiveness probably are a big factor. You'd think after this many years that she'd feel secure in the fact that I'm staying with her..., that I love you and wouldn't leave her for anyone else. And, that the reason I enjoy seeing her enjoying sex with others is because I love her. And, because it's just so damn hot! LOL! You know, come to think of it, she gets upset if I even flirt with our female friends. I guess some folks are just naturally jealous.

Rich

Jealousy is so irrational. There is no point in trying to understand it. I also thing Spoomonkey made good point.

I understand completely. My first wife and I swung together, separtely, at parties, you name it, we loved it. She passed away and my current wife will have no part of it. I'm very nostalgic for the old life but I love her more than swinging so I'm satisfied with just being nostalgic. I do follow this site and have submitted several stories from the old days but getting together with others without her would be cheating. The last time I asked her about it she said "welllll if you really want to..... OK." Fortunately I know enough about woman-talk to know that that really means "You do it and you'll suffer for the rest of your life." lol

Hang in there and enjoy your relationship.

"welllll if you really want to..... OK." Fortunately I know enough about woman-talk to know that that really means "You do it and you'll suffer for the rest of your life." lol.

Are you really sure she would make you suffer? Is there no chance she would like it if she actually tried it? Taking little baby steps at first, going slowly, a bit at a time? Conditioning is powerful, but natural instincts can be more powerful.

Dear Mike and Jan,

I really enjoyed your post and I feel for you. The main difference from your situation and mine is that you at least got to experience the lifestyle when you were younger. I brought up the subject twice to my wife of 22 years and she has no interest in the lifestyle but the thing it did was that we are watching porn movies together and she is enjoying them. Will she ever swing? I really doubt it but that is ok as long as our sex life continues to improve. We have a very good relationship and I am not going to lose her over swinging. I do enjoy this site and I have met some really nice people so I will continue to visit it. I wish you luck.

Best Regards

Furgy53

Oncewere, loved the way you put it. But I do think that her saying that means you have the right to explore more with her. Get her to read the posts on this site as a first step! Just maybe? And, if your first wife participated have you ever regretted not making sure that your next wife would before getting married? Just curious. I know that if something ever happened to my current relationship that this would be a very major consideration in any future one.

And furgy, it's nice just to have a glimmer of hope isn't it? Right now my wife has taken even that away.

Thanks for the encouragement, Compersor, but she is adamant. Won't even go along with first baby steps. She would not try to make my life miserable, she isn't at all vindictive, but it would certainly interfere with our relationship. Most important things first.

This is kind of like getting old.... when you consider the alternative, it ain't so bad. I miss skydiving too but I had my fun with it, I can be nostalgic about it too. Now its time enjoy not to have broken bones. (from skydiving, not from making my wife mad. lol)

Guess that explains why we haven't seen any more stories from you guys.

Hi Julie,

Yes, and thanks for remembering them.

But, in fairness, it's not only because my wife has decided that 'we' should curtail outside sexual explorations..., it's also because I've been busy with other writing. A couple of years ago I got my first 'teen' book published and I've got number two to be out withing a few months. So, just writing other things.

I've been thinking about writing some stories about our real adventures though. Just something to clear my mind between books two and three. And, I'll certainly send the your way.

You're such a neat young lady, Julie!

Rich

This is a really fascinating topic that I suspect a lot can relate to who surf through here, read around with hopeful expectations and then disappear.

I think this definitely is the case. I have had a similar experience to that. My wife and I had some mild playing with another couple and it never went any farther, even though three of us wanted too when we finally discussed it again...My wife just wasnt intrested. Which is fine, because as I have said before my marriage is more important to me than anything that could/could not happen in the bedroom. I feel that there are alot of "Hopefulls" that once they realize their spouse dosnt feel the same as they do, jump from the site. I have enjoyed the site and still like living "vicariously" through others. For now that is fine with me, slightly frustrating but fine....

I think this definitely is the case. I have had a similar experience to that. My wife and I had some mild playing with another couple and it never went any farther, even though three of us wanted too when we finally discussed it again...My wife just wasnt intrested. Which is fine, because as I have said before my marriage is more important to me than anything that could/could not happen in the bedroom.

Realising that your marriage is more important is vital! Good on you!

We seem to get a lot who drop by here (both male and female) who don't quite see it that way. I fear for their relationships.

On the other hand, you never know what the future may bring. In our case my patience and non-pushiness paid off. Eventually Red started to bring the issue up again herself. No stopping her now

CB

Reading the posts from some of you guys, I have to mention that you honestly sound happier than I do. It sounds to me like you guys have sexual connections with your wives that are strong and healthy and you have good lines of communication. That's what we're all after, right?

There were five very hot naked women (and only two other guys) in my living room this weekend and I'm thrilled silly about that, but the whole reason why I'm involved in the first place is because I have things I'm trying to work through, my wife and I love the energy we get from it, and we enjoy the tight connection between us that it encourages. You guys have all of those things already and apparently no 'issues' that need to be resolved like me. You don't have five hot women fucking three horny guys in your living room but that's not much compared to what you do have.

Pity the guy with no women at all.

Thanks for the encouragement CB..., as long as there's hope?

My pleasure!

There's always hope.....

CB

Rich,

One thing interesting I got out of your post is that when your wife found out you'd visited this site, she got ignited a little. You then exchanged pictures with a couple but when you met, she got cold feet. As I analyze this, something must've happened. I can't imagine if the guy looked like Brad Pitt (or whomever she finds attractive, just an example) that she'd have flipped out. Did the other woman look like Halle Berry (one of my favorites!) and perhaps she had a tinge of jealousy set in? Did you guys discuss why it went south?

I sometimes wonder if we took away the years when we were raising kids and the wives (and us men too) bore a few less pounds and had more freedom and could be irresponsible like we were as kids, would they feel better about swinging? This comment is mainly for us over 45 people, but if I had to hazard a guess, I think the extra pounds and not feeling as attractive as they'd like has a huge amount to do with these feelings. It probably does with some guys as well, but not as much as women.

Or are you gals just that much more modest than us?

Sexhound,

Yes, I thought about that a lot. The guy wasn't what she'd like in a man at all. I do think that if he'd been, and they'd hit it off better..., who knows? The lady wasn't anything that'd make my wife jealous but the lady was very appealing to me. I'm more into a woman's attitude and personality than aesthetics. Really! She wrote erotica like I was doing at the time (we met through an erotic story site we were both posting on).

The really worst part is that after that failed experience I'm afraid that I won't ever be able to tempt my wife again. If only Mel Gibson was married to a cool 'plain Jane' and he gave up religion for swinging..., then maybe.

Rich,

That's funny about Mel Gibson, he's probably my wife's favorite too. With Halloween coming up, I'm sure you remember all the political figure masks. Maybe we need to look hard and find good authentic looking Mel masks! Then all we've got to do is find nice guys for them and not have to worry about their looks. The extra benefit is that we can wear the masks as well when we're just one on one with them.

I'm with you on the attitude thing as well. Who doesn't like looking at a pretty woman with a nice tight ass? But I find that the sexiness they could exude is more rare than common as their "ain't I something" attitude prevails frequently. As you said, the right attitude goes a LONG way, and makes a plain Jane or a woman with a few extra pounds really stand out.

And one more thing. An older woman who has kept herself preserved makes me hotter than a young one. It's easy to look good when you're younger, it takes a bit of doing to keep it up when you get beyond 50.

Except for the job description, I could have written this post myself. Kinda got over the in person, real life desires tho. Scared to death of disease anyhow. Still, we pillow talk about this lifestyle constantly.

It is funny, some people write in to the board trying to find ways to change the nature of their spouse/SO. It is very unfortunate that people can't accept each other and thier lives together at face value. Mrs Fun and I had a wonderful relationship before swinging came along and we will have the same joy solely with each other when we are no longer in the lifestyle. If Mrs Fun were to walk through the door now and say swinging was over for us I would just say "cool" and we would get on with our lives. It is a hobby to us, not really a lifestyle, and certainly not a deity. For a lot of folks I think it is the allure of the taboo that attracts them. After all if you remember David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust album, "The music comes out better on a stolen guitar"

Hillbillies,

Now you sound like just the couple my wife might feel comfy with. You're able to talk together but very apprehensive about actually trying anything. And, you're from OK too! She's got two degrees from OU. Are you two Sooners? But, being from the 'Tulsa' side of OKC you might just be Cowboys..., if so congrats on one hell of a game Saturday!

Feel free to message me.

Rich

I honestly think you guys who are trying to talk reluctant spouses into swinging go about it the wrong way. Please don't take that as a flame, I'm trying to help.

What is the primary motivation of most new male swingers? To get laid, that is, to put their cock in another woman's pussy. Be honest now.

Don't you think your wife knows that? Why should this make her so enthusiastic? Oh, yeah, she gets to get some too. But it almost seems like a lot of guys are throwing their wife a bone (if you'll pardon the term): "Here honey, you fuck this other guy while I fuck his wife". It doesn't surprise me a bit that this doesn't work. While many women enjoy MFMs or whatever, it doesn't seem to "drive" them nearly as much as it does men, especially newbies.

Guys, especially you long-married guys, think about this: how do you get her to happily go along with something you want do? I'm not talking about sex, I'm talking life in general.

You know the answer: you think of her first. You look at things from her perspective. You do what it takes to make her happy and comfortable. A purring woman is a generous woman. A secure woman is an open-minded woman.

So, instead of worrying about your fantasies, and your desires, throw all that out the window. Try and draw out, carefully and slowly if need be, her desires. Work on doing nothing else but finding and fulfilling her sexual fantasies for a good long time. As she gets happier and more fulfilled, there will be more purring and more security. It's very important that this be about her. Don't let her think that's it's just something that you're doing because you "have to" in order to eventually talk her into full swinging.

As she starts bringing forth and maybe actualizing her fantasies, she's likely to become more sexually open-minded in general. Eventually, she will very likely want you to start fulfilling your fantasies. But she has to come first, in more ways than one.

Just IMO.

D/DBStPete

WOW... Great post DBStPete...

If Mrs Fun were to walk through the door now and say swinging was over for us I would just say "cool" and we would get on with our lives.

I find this quite amazing. I would be able to give it up if my wife really didn't want to go thru with it. But I would always yearn for it. I just love the fact that my (much younger wife) enjoys men (including me ) and I would hate her to be strictly monogamous. I know now she doesn't want to give it up either. I have told her on more than one occasion that I wanted to throw the towel in the ring, because I thought she might not be enjoying it and I hate making her do anything against her will. But she wouldn't hear of it. She likes her extramarital excursions now.

What is the primary motivation of most new male swingers? To get laid, that is, to put their cock in another woman's pussy. Be honest now.

D/DBStPete

That is not my primary motivation. My wife enjoys mfm, just like me. Of course there is a selfish aspect to my motivation: the rush that I get when I see my honey enjoying herself. Nothing to do with my getting laid. I don't, coz we don't do couples.

Hi, I am a 34 y/o male happily married to a 46 y/o woman. I am also very interested in swinging. My wife however is not. I have had 4 sexual relationships in my life, including my wife.(no, never had an affair) She has had countless sexual encounters. MMF, video, sex with strangers, mutual masterbation, and affairs with 1st hubby. No none of this makes me jealous, in fact, hearing these stories is exactly how I got the bite for swinging! She used to somewhat brag about said encounters.......until I told her how much I loved to hear her stories, and that I would love to swing with her. She said NO WAY! That she would have before we got married, but not now. I figured....OK, she thinks I just want another woman. So, I tried to get her to OK a MMF. NOPE, said she have a private affair before shed swing. I wouldnt fool around, I am happy to have her as a wife, and to me fooling around on her is out, but with her is great. Are there any tips or hints I am missing?

Hey there, sound's like you got it pretty good where you are. I am the one who started my wife swinging, it took me 4 yrs. She like's it now, she would like a woman now for us,she has been with women before,we have been with couple's ,and single men,now we agree ,she wan't's me to search for woman. Has she been with a women before, You know ,the men may act polite,but they have one thing on there mind,that is to Hit It! If your wife is what you think.she will try something for you. To us this is natural, alway's the same room,thing's may change, use your judgement, We agree togeather in our marrage,good luck.

You know, there hasn't been any wives who would like their husbands to explore swinging here. And, there must be some of you out there that might read this thread. Come on ladies..., let's here from you!

You know, there hasn't been any wives who would like their husbands to explore swinging here. And, there must be some of you out there that might read this thread. Come on ladies..., let's here from you!

Sure, I'll bite on this one .

I brought my hubby into swinging. I never thought he would be interested but he surprised me all to pieces.

Right now we only swing with my best friend and her hubby. That's fun and all but honestly I would love to mix things up a bit and find some other people. He hasn't been very receptive to the idea, so I just left it alone for now. Maybe sometime in the future he will surprise me again.

Thanks Evil! Really nice to know that we men aren't alone in this. Gee, I sure wish my wife would catch your attitude. Thanks so much for joining in.

Rich

I would like to thank Mike & Jan for raising this issue. I am in similar predicament. We are a couple from india and in relatively conservative society. But even then we have heard about swinging but didn't know how to start. My wife was initially very reluctant though she enjoyed fantasizing. Anyway after lot of talks we did get in touch witha few cpls thru' aff. We met the first cpl and we did have a nice swapping experience. In fact she enjoyed the most as she had fucked 5 times with the other guy and after reaching home we had another 2 fucks.

Surprising part was she did not want to keep in touch with them after our little excursion, though she was the one who enjoyed it the most while we were with the couple. But we had a fun filled time after that where we kept discussing the episode and it greatly enhanced our sex life.

After this we met with another couple where the male was very active but when we met and actually wanted to have sex she just dried up and it was a blank caal. Though here I enjoyed the female more. Somehow after coming she did not want to discuss them any more.

The third one was with a couple where she was the initiator. In fact she knew the guy from and she started having raunchy talks with the guy- offcourse with my permission. We use to have great sex when she discussed all she talked with him. Then eventually it came to a situation where we met the couple and eventually it led to swapping. First time where we have had seprate room sex. I had an excellent time with the female and she supposedly had a good time with the Husband of the lady.

But she has once again confused me by not keeping in touch with them. She also do not discuss about them much. I have coaxed her to keep in touch at least for courtesy, but she did not oblige.

The other female has invited me for one on one a number of time but I have refarined.

I love my wife very much and our marriage is of 10 yrs. I like to enjoy her enjoying sex and we still have sex almost on daily basis. We do discuss about sex and she knows I watch this site and other porno sites. If i ask her if she is still interested she neither replies in +ve or -ve. So this our story and will appreciate if anyone can throw some light on her behavior.

My wife has very similar problems with dealing with it afterwards. I know show enjoyed the build up and certainly seemed to enjoy the sex, but..., afterwards just so much remorse. I think it's remembering that remorse/guilt/regret thing from years ago that prevents her from wanting to try again. And, I know that now we are older and I could lead her through those things.

I suggest that you don't hound her, but do keep trying to discuss it with her. BTW..., I find people from India very appealing. Rich