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NYFlirts

Sex Progression For Dummies - Order of events - oral received, oral give, sex?

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Ok, I'm man enough to admit that outside of my wife, I'm pretty inexperienced with sex. My wife and I communicate really well when it comes to sex, but even that took a few years.

 

So, here's the situation: We're with a couple and things are going really well. There seems to be a lot of chemistry between the entire group. The girls are making out and the other guy and I are getting pretty turned on watching them. After 10 minutes the other guys wife comes over to me and we start making out...

 

NOW WHAT!?!?

 

:confused:

 

How do I know if she wants to receive oral and how do I know if she wants to give oral? I don't want to assume she wants to receive or give, and asking seems REALLY lame... so what do I do?

 

Also, is there usually a pretty standard order of events? If not, how do you navigate the situation of knowing who wants what and who does what when?

 

The first handful of times my wife and I swapped we didn't even do oral with the other couples... just right into sex. I never want to assume a girl wants oral or wants to give oral, but I also don't want to ask.

 

What do y'all do in a regular swap situation to determine what to do, when, and in what order?

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How do I know if she wants to receive oral and how do I know if she wants to give oral? I don't want to assume she wants to receive or give, and asking seems REALLY lame... so what do I do?

 

Also, is there usually a pretty standard order of events? If not, how do you navigate the situation of knowing who wants what and who does what when?

 

The first handful of times my wife and I swapped we didn't even do oral with the other couples... just right into sex. I never want to assume a girl wants oral or wants to give oral, but I also don't want to ask.

 

I'm just going to stick with the easy stuff here: Most women don't orgasm from penetration alone, so assume that foreplay - including oral - for her will be gratefully appreciated, even if she's been making out with your wife. If you do that and allow her to decide if she wants to give you oral (which you'll know when she starts doing so), that will probably work pretty well. Also, "Tell me what you want," said in something other than a conversational tone, once you've been playing with her for awhile, it won't be lame.

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Ok, so I should just start with and assume she wants me to go down on her unless I hear otherwise?

 

I do the "Tell me what you want" during passionate kissing, etc. and I get one of two answers every time:

 

1) "Keep doing what you're doing" / "What you're doing is fine"

2) "I'm a pleaser, so whatever you want is good with me."

 

I've never... not ONCE had a girl tell me what she wanted... EVER!

 

It's not like me to be terribly selfish in bed, but with pretty much zero feedback it's hard to know what is or isn't working and what she wants me to do.

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Do it ALL! Lick breasts, stick fingers in, rub fingers on her clit, GIVE oral. Listen to how she is responding...moaning louder? Keep doing that. Holding you tighter...yup...right there. Breathing turning into panting? Ding! Kiss with passion while your using your fingers...that drives me nuts! Who doesn't love a man that can multi task? If you can do me AND rub my clit...well then it's too bad we live on different coasts.

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NYFlirts, I think you are overthinking the situation. You already know that she is interested in having sex with you. Your job is to make it as enjoyable as possible for her. Assuming she is already nude, I like to start kissing my partner and extend the kissing to the neck and ears, something I learned from my wife who is really turned on by that. I then progress to moving my fingers and hands over her body while still alternating kissing her mouth, neck and ears. When I start to move my fingers over her body, I do it in a teasing way. I will reach down and start my fingers moving up her legs. When I get up to her pubic area, I will almost touch it but, at the last moment, lift my fingers slightly up and let them touch her slightly to the side of her vulva. The goal here is to build up anticipation and make her want more. I then move my fingers up over her abdomen and up to to the bottom of her breasts where I again tease her by letting my fingers trace the area around her breasts and not over them.

 

You continue this and each time you rub over her body, you come a little closer to her sensitive areas until you finally start massaging and kissing her breasts and gently running your fingers around her labia. Remember, you are not in race. Take your time and do anything you can to add to her pleasure, and that should be turning you on too. You should then be at the point where you can start moving your kissing down her body and gently running the tip of your tongue over her abdomen and into her pubic area. Again you should do this in a teasing motion, moving your tongue and lips around the final goal, but not going there immediately.

 

Hopefully by this time, she will be really into it and playing with your body too. As to what she does to you, I am more interested in what she wants to do me that turns her on. And things should progress nicely, without you having to ask her what she wants. You should be able to tell by her responses to the things you are doing, and eventually everything will lead to orgasms for her both before and hopefully during intercourse with you.

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I think the suggestions above are fine. I also think it's fine to talk and ask questions. I've never thought anything said to me during sex was lame. If I'm naked with someone I like them and respect them. We're having fun, not staging a silent film!

 

I'm the girl but I almost always just ask, "Can I go down on you?"

 

Personally, I hate the question, "What do you want?" It is somewhat of a turn-off to me. I think it shows a lack of creativity, and it makes me feel self-conscious. I'd rather someone say what they want to do to me or give me a choice. Usually, even if I do want oral I won't say it, because I feel like then I might be asking them to do something they don't want to do. I'm much more comfortable (ie. able to relax and orgasm) receiving oral if someone offers it to me or just starts. If someone doesn't offer or give me oral, I'm much less likely to play with them again. It's something I enjoy, but I don't want to ask for, especially the first time.

 

For most people I know oral is a big part of swinging sex. When I play it is often before intercourse, but often it will also be in the middle of playing or at the end. You end up using more condoms that way, and you definitely want to avoid nonoxynol-9 (it's terrible for your body, but it also tastes awful).

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How do I know if she wants to receive oral and how do I know if she wants to give oral? I don't want to assume she wants to receive or give, and asking seems REALLY lame... so what do I do?

 

Communicate, communicate, communicate. Asking is not lame. Asking is good.

 

You might try asking before the sex starts, when you first chatting up the couple. Consider this scenario... you've met them, you've had a drink, established a level of mutual attraction and the possibility that we might want to have sex here... so now you smile at the wife and say "Do you like having guys go down on you?" Talk about what she likes and what she wants. Talk about what you like and what you want. Make it part of the flirting. Then, when everybody starts getting naked, you have a place to start from.

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I think the suggestions above are fine. I also think it's fine to talk and ask questions. I've never thought anything said to me during sex was lame. If I'm naked with someone I like them and respect them. We're having fun, not staging a silent film!

 

I'm the girl but I almost always just ask, "Can I go down on you?"

 

Personally, I hate the question, "What do you want?" It is somewhat of a turn-off to me. I think it shows a lack of creativity, and it makes me feel self-conscious. I'd rather someone say what they want to do to me or give me a choice. Usually, even if I do want oral I won't say it, because I feel like then I might be asking them to do something they don't want to do. I'm much more comfortable (ie. able to relax and orgasm) receiving oral if someone offers it to me or just starts. If someone doesn't offer or give me oral, I'm much less likely to play with them again. It's something I enjoy, but I don't want to ask for, especially the first time.

 

For most people I know oral is a big part of swinging sex. When I play it is often before intercourse, but often it will also be in the middle of playing or at the end. You end up using more condoms that way, and you definitely want to avoid nonoxynol-9 (it's terrible for your body, but it also tastes awful).

 

That is so helpful. Thank you. I've always wondered why I never got an answer when I asked my wife what she wanted. I like the idea of making a suggestion and giving a choice.

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My usual "routine".

 

Oral on woman until she O's.

Oral on me by said woman.

Sex.

Clean up, hugs, clothes on.

 

This can vary greatly ;)

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There is no standard order of events. As a woman if I'm really into a guy, I will likely take it from the kissing stage to going down on him (I'm a more assertive woman when it comes to sex). Most women are not as assertive as I am and wait on the guy to move things along, taking his lead (much like dancing). If you want to move things along but aren't 100% sure that she does, I'd suggest you follow the bases. Kissing...leads to feeling. Feel her up - under clothes.... when you get to under her panties, slip in a finger or two... if that is going well, lay her down and give her oral (if you like). She may or may not reciprocate. Just continue as things seem to be going well. And when in doubt you can always ask or make a statement like "I really want to eat you..." or "I'd really love to fuck you now" and go with her response. That said, I would suggest that you do your best to find out their limits before you get to that point of playing the bases... best to know ahead of time that there won't be any home runs.

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Personally, I hate the question, "What do you want?" It is somewhat of a turn-off to me. I think it shows a lack of creativity, and it makes me feel self-conscious. I'd rather someone say what they want to do to me or give me a choice.

 

Ditto. Huge turn-off. Be assertive and make a statement, make a choice and just go with it.

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Wow, I'm so glad to hear people saying that asking what she wants is a huge turn-off! Note to self, NEVER do that again!!!

 

Ok, lots of great stuff here, thanks all! It sounds like me going down on her slowly and deliberately is the way to go in most situations? I think one of the other potential concerns is that I'm not a huge fan of giving women oral (probably because my wife's never been into it), but it sounds like it's pretty par-for-the-course / expected?

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Wow, I'm so glad to hear people saying that asking what she wants is a huge turn-off! Note to self, NEVER do that again!!!

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the advice is not "don't ask" but is, more specifically, don't ask the broad and open ended question of "what do you want?" Be specific. "What do you want?" is a turn off. "I really want to eat your pussy. Shall we?" is, I think, a fair question and often a turn on.

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. . . After 10 minutes the other guys wife comes over to me and we start making out...

 

NOW WHAT!?!?

 

:confused:

You have received some excellent suggestions. But I am going to add something as I feel I can speak with some authority, having made mistakes along this line both in vanilla and swing life.

 

What I have learned is that women appreciate men who are able to take the lead in an intimate situation, much like taking the lead on the dance floor. If the lips look inviting, kiss them. If you eye catches a giggle, reach to touch. Any action that causes an appreciative reaction, go for more. Be ready to surrender the lead, of course, if you meet a woman who is eager to lead you. Finally, I have never, ever met a woman who does not enjoy oral sex.

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Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the advice is not "don't ask" but is, more specifically, don't ask the broad and open ended question of "what do you want?" Be specific. "What do you want?" is a turn off. "I really want to eat your pussy. Shall we?" is, I think, a fair question and often a turn on.

 

Exactly. It's the old "what do you want to do?" "I don't know, what do you want to do?" that never ends and leaves everyone wanting to play to the other person. We joke about how this often happens for us when it comes to figuring out where to eat. "Where do you want to eat?" "I don't know, where do you want to eat?" The reality is that at least one person has an idea what they want to do, but no one wants to speak up. This happens a lot when it comes to sex... someone has an idea what they want to do, but no one wants to speak up. It's better to be the one to speak up and make a suggestion than the cause of frustration (because even though she's not speaking up either, you were the one who started the "what do you want to do?" circle).

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You have received some excellent suggestions. But I am going to add something as I feel I can speak with some authority, having made mistakes along this line both in vanilla and swing life.

 

What I have learned is that women appreciate men who are able to take the lead in an intimate situation, much like taking the lead on the dance floor. If the lips look inviting, kiss them. If you eye catches a giggle, reach to touch. Any action that causes an appreciative reaction, go for more. Be ready to surrender the lead, of course, if you meet a woman who is eager to lead you. Finally, I have never, ever met a woman who does not enjoy oral sex.

 

Where's the "like" button?! I really like for the guy to take the lead.

 

I've been with people who have simply told me what to do and that is my favorite situation. It's kind of funny, that with those people I am much more likely to tell them what I want in return or take the lead when we play again. I don't know how other girls perceive it, but if someone tells me, "Get on the bed, I want to ..." it totally works for me. (This is at a point when we are already playing and obviously into each other, not out on the dance floor or something like that).

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Where's the "like" button?! I really like for the guy to take the lead.

 

I've been with people who have simply told me what to do and that is my favorite situation. It's kind of funny, that with those people I am much more likely to tell them what I want in return or take the lead when we play again. I don't know how other girls perceive it, but if someone tells me, "Get on the bed, I want to ..." it totally works for me. (This is at a point when we are already playing and obviously into each other, not out on the dance floor or something like that).

 

That definitely works for some women. Others, no. My wife will tolerate such behavior up to a point, but only up to a point. Do not assume every woman is a submissive who wants the man to take the lead. I've known more than a few women who prefer take the lead themselves. Personally, all my very favorite partners have all been exactly that... partners.

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On one hand this is all so very complex and I'll tend to overthink everything...unfortunately it's my nature. On the other hand I realize that I'm not perfect, the women aren't perfect, and if either one of us is expecting a "perfect" situation without flexibility and understanding that everyone is different, then there are bound to be problems.

 

It seems that there are some generally good "overall" guidelines to follow, but that there shouldn't be expectations but there should be a lot of "go with the flow and just have a good time!"

 

What I've learned so far in this thread:

 

1: I definitely need to be less passive and more direct!

2: I should be prepared to go down on most girls we play with. It seems like this is expected / required... especially if I'm going to get any head.

3: I also really need to avoid saying "What do you want" and give some very specific choices. For example, while I'm passionately kissing her mouth and neck I could say:

 

A) "You are so sexy you're driving me CRAZY! I either need to eat you or fuck you or both!!!" How's that? Or, is this also a possibility:

B) "You are so sexy you're driving me CRAZY! Either I'm going down on you, you're going down on me, we're having crazy sex, or some combo of all of the above! You pick the order!"

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On one hand this is all so very complex and I'll tend to overthink everything...unfortunately it's my nature. On the other hand I realize that I'm not perfect, the women aren't perfect, and if either one of us is expecting a "perfect" situation without flexibility and understanding that everyone is different, then there are bound to be problems.

 

It seems that there are some generally good "overall" guidelines to follow, but that there shouldn't be expectations but there should be a lot of "go with the flow and just have a good time!"

 

What I've learned so far in this thread:

 

1: I definitely need to be less passive and more direct!

2: I should be prepared to go down on most girls we play with. It seems like this is expected / required... especially if I'm going to get any head.

3: I also really need to avoid saying "What do you want" and give some very specific choices. For example, while I'm passionately kissing her mouth and neck I could say:

 

A) "You are so sexy you're driving me CRAZY! I either need to eat you or fuck you or both!!!" How's that? Or, is this also a possibility:

B) "You are so sexy you're driving me CRAZY! Either I'm going down on you, you're going down on me, we're having crazy sex, or some combo of all of the above! You pick the order!"

 

Hmmm. One thing I didn't like (just being honest) was you saying that you are going to have to go down on "most girls," "especially if you want to get head."

 

Okay, maybe true, but I personally want to believe that a guy is so hot for me that he is going down on me just because he wants me to have the ultimate pleasure from the experience. Not because I will give him head, although I love giving head, and I will give head unquestionably and repeatedly to my husband just because I love that he loves it.

 

To answer your original question, I am just a newb at swinging, and maybe never really fully swing. But, if I do, oral sex will not be optional. Honestly I just can't think of any woman who would ever want or need to be asked whether you can or should perform oral sex. That's about like us asking you if it's okay for us to fuck you. :lol:

 

I would also suggest that you and your wife invest in some sex ed videos. I liked Sinclair Institute (my husband had sex with exactly one woman before me--and not very many times). My husband is now a rock star in the bedroom but that was not always true. For us, getting to the point where we could talk about ANYTHING related to sex was a huge step in the right direction. And the Sinclair instructional videos emphasized communication. We started talking about likes/dislikes, then moved into fantasies--which could not have been more HOT! Eventually I could tell him anything. Because he CARED, he brought me and continues to bring me to sexual pleasure heights that continue to astound me although we have been together for 13 years. I look forward to what *he* might create for us next. He's amazing!! But anyway...anticipation is a biggie. Biologically, women need anticipation. The clit is not a button and is not analogous to the penis. Women have nerves running from the clit down their inner thighs, around their lips, and around their backside (and if you are ignoring the backside--honestly you are ignoring some serious pleasure for her). But the clit "works" best when the blood has already been moving down around the lower half of her body for a long time. And for any guys who do not know this--once you finally arrive at the clit (which should take you a while if you are really trying to please)--TWENTY MINUTES--which feels like an eternity and honestly makes me feel terribly guilty--has taken some time for my husband to convince me to let him keep going that long--but that is what it takes for many women to have orgasm via oral stimulation and even with 20 minutes, also takes a huge amount of comfort with the person for some women (myself included).

 

But seriously this whole thing needs to start with kissing her deeply on the lips, resting on her lips with comfort, kissing her neck/ears, telling her that you can't wait to taste her, but then not doing it (!!), touching outside her shirt, touching the insides of her legs while kissing her neck, touching on top of her panties, just grazing over them in a teasing way, then moving to touching her breasts under her clothes, then kissing them...goes on from there. I also love a man who will kiss my feet, legs, ass, turn me over and move me around (we don't break!), etc. But so far only my husband has had this pleasure for at least 13 years. And before him, although I had my fair share of lovers, they all honestly pretty much sucked!

 

So there you have it. :)

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Sorry, I should have been more clear that I'm not really a great fan of giving oral, but I do love getting it. So, my choices in a given situation are:

 

1) Give it to get it so everything is "fair"

2) Get it but not give it and things not being "fair"

3) Neither get it or give it and we're back to "fair"

 

I understand what you're saying about "a guy is so hot for me...", but me not loving giving oral doesn't have much to do with being hot for someone or giving pleasure... I just don't really like it. On a similar note, I wouldn't want a girl to go down on me if she found doing so displeasurable.

 

With my wife, it's perfect: She hasn't been a big fan or receiving but loves giving. I haven't been a big fan of giving but love receiving. (good thing we found each other, right!?!?)

 

You actually hit the nail on the head when you said, "oral sex will not be optional"... so if I want to get it or even if I want to have sex with another woman, I have to give it... even if I don't really like it.

 

Maybe most women love oral, but my wife of many years has taught me that some women don't like it. With that said, if she's 0.00001%, then I guess I just plow ahead.

 

Thanks for the suggestion on the sex ed videos by Sinclair Institute... great idea!!!

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