g-lovers

Good point, O+H. We had a wonderful talk last night, and have come together with a mutually accepted decision on how we’ll proceed. Holy fuck the processing in all this is so extensive. Thanks GoldCo. I think there was a disconnect in my rambling post. He has not been, and is not, having sex with other women. He was looking for my ‘permission’ to have an occasional dalliance on the side as finding couples where we are is a challenge. I came here, because I envisioned us as a ‘package deal’ and hoped to acquire some perspective from people who have moved from playing together to playing separately.

Would be helpful for you to explain why, but I don’t expect to take up any more of your time. Splitting at this time isn’t what either of us want. He (over the past few days) has expressed total willingness to put on the brakes if I’m still in crisis mode, but to me swinging is an exercise in realizing that we hold no ownership over our partners and encouraging each other to enjoy all that life (and sex) has to offer, hence the confusion. I clearly have not fully wrapped my head around the solo part of that equation. Cheers.

Sorry, can you clarify your last paragraph, Icmim? If you were me, or if you were Tom you would extricate? I am not committed to living with my husband until the kids are of age, but I do believe it’s the best decision right now. I absolutely see a happy life with Tom in the future, but I also don’t feel a heavy pull to live together. I enjoy my own space, our parenting styles are miles apart, plus I’m just out of a 15 year relationship. Must people live together in order to have a committed, loving union? When your lives are as intertwined as ours, I really don’t think so. But clearly Tom doesn’t feel that way, which is is the ultimate basis for all this strife. I know that we need to come to some conclusions as a couple on that topic, but in the meantime... Can I not expect him to move at my pace in swinging simply because we don’t live together?? Is that unreasonable of me? Going off on his own feels...painful. Almost like he’s trying to prove a point- though he’s not an asshole. He just wants to live a little, and I think he feels we’re wasting precious LS time- like he will be undesirable to the majority of people soon due to his age? I don’t know if I’m trying to excuse his inexcusable behaviour, or if I know in my heart that it’s really not a big deal.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful responses, albeit of course not what I’d hoped for. In all fairness to Tom, I should offer a bit more perspective on our lives.. When he moved to our town, I had been with my husband for 12 years. We were in the thick of life and had just started over far from home, so spontaneity and a consistent sex life had fallen by the wayside- but we were happy! Then this man (Tom) just strolls back into my life, after 23 years. My last memory of him was nailing me up against the wall at his parent’s house with the biggest cock I’d ever seen, and here he is fucking kissing me again!? We shared a unique childhood in the 80’s Middle East. We were kids, neighbours, and then much later we were lovers. We sat through the ‘94 World Cup together while his mom’s litter of 14 Doberman puppies ambled around us with their freshly snipped ears. When he left, he moved to the South. I went to Canada, so there was very little reason for us to cross paths ever again. So when we both found ourselves in a totally unrelated country, there were immediate sparks and within 2 hours of catching up, yup, he’s kissing me. I slapped the shit out of him (married, dude!). He must have passionately kissed me 10 times in the front seat of my car, which means he took the same amount of slaps to the face- but the kisses kept getting longer in between slaps... Then he leaned over and took my braless breast into his mouth, with the perfect amount of bite. At that moment, I decided he was just as naughty as he always was, so i got my juicy self together and went the fuck home. I told my husband the next morning and he reacted with excitement ( wowza!). Fast forward- Tom moves to our town- but it was clear that the connection was far too intense to be able to keep it FWB as initially negotiated with my husband....and a lot of shit happened in between... a major brain injury which I nursed him through, working with me for 2 years, and developing a serious connection with my young kids. Tom has been a committed LS guy for his entire adult life. He has had several long term relationships over his 46 years, and has never hid this fact. He’s the typical bad boy that pushes every boundary that presents itself to him. He is fucking exhausting sometimes- but the man has a heart.of.gold. He would do anything for anyone, and does. He is strong willed, as stubborn as I, and has clear boundaries. He welcomes confrontation, yet always keeps a level head. Drives me fucking nuts. But damn, does he love me. And because we were so enamoured, he embraced into the beauty of that and didn’t demand anything from me while we established our commitment to one another. Over the years, as my marriage dissolved, Tom had a few trysts. A couple of random hook ups, and one several month relationship with a woman (someone I knew well enough to have lunches with). Through these dalliances, I always felt loved and as a primary should (not to say I always dealt with it well!), but as he got the taste again (he loves pussy), he was reawoken. He drive amped up, and because it was more of a conversation, he saw how exciting the idea of other people was becoming to me. But in my mind, it would always be together. I wanted to watch him make other women cum, I wanted tits in my face, and to feel a pussy myself for the first time. He agreed to doing it together. And we have! And it was hot! But here’s the deal- and these are his arguments/justification for this turn of events- I still live with my husband and kids. Tom comes home alone every night. I sleep with him 1-3x a week, and we have a family night every Sunday. But to his point- I go home to my family, and my safe, love filled place with my husband and kids the majority of the time. I have chosen not to live with Tom for many reasons, but the biggest one being the children. My husband (not divorced, mostly because government, taxes and paperwork) and I have a very peaceful non-sexual union. We don’t fight, we co-parent well, and support each other’s personal and love lives. Deep in my heart I know this is the best thing for our children right now. But Tom ultimately gets left out of a lot. He misses us, he has tastes of it all the time, but he doesn’t feel like we’re truly his. He’s lonely, which he gives me zero guilt trips about, because in his heart he knows it’s best as well. So then Tom and I take a month long family vaca and by the time we landed at home he was having ferocious feelings of ‘being caged’ (a month of 24-7 with my tweens and mother will do anyone in!). So I reignited the AFF account that we’d let lapse, and wow did he make quick work. Whats going on is we have hot 46 year old, hungry man, who’s in a committed, loving relationship that he prioritizes, yet most nights he’s home alone. What does he think about at night? Fucking. He watches a lot of porn and wonders what happened to his life? How did he become such a monogamous family man? He.wants.to.fuck. So as of today, I’m offering less resistance and deciding to try it on and see how it feels. The woman he’s going to see next week is safe in that she’s happily married, and only in the country for a few more days and then not again until July-August. She’s older, hot and fit. She and her husband offered to have us up, but I turned them down immediately due to my hissy fit (regretting that now I tell you- ha!). Also, on his own accord, Tom committed to only seeing women that would pose zero emotional complications, and out of our very small and incestuous town. I wonder if you guys still think he’s a selfish prick that I should bolt from? Or do I just need to grow the fuck up, know that I’m safe and enjoy the evolution of my sexuality without so much resistance all the time? I’ll be frank- there is still a part of me that totally agrees with all of you. Doesn’t fucking matter what our living situation is! We either respect my boundaries and allow me to catch up on my own time (within reason and with effort), or we’re not actually a team- which doesn’t bode well for our future. I’m so torn! And that was way longer than I meant it to be...stoned and rambling! ? I so appreciate your insight...

Feeling like I’m in crisis mode, with what are clearly unresolved emotions. Insight would be greatly appreciated. My partner and I have a complicated, yet amazing story. Quick, torrid fuckery affair when we were 20, fast forward 23 years and we find ourselves both living in the same tiny country (not where we met, or where either of us are from). I was married with kids, he single and in the LS forever. It quickly became a polyamorous situation, which only ‘worked’ for a year and a half until my marriage was over. 4 years after we were reunited, we are now together, happy and have started swinging with some super fun success (not an easy transition for me, but I knew it was important to him). I was really clear at the beginning that if we were going to do this, I needed it to be together as a couple. The split with who I thought was my ‘forever’ is far too fresh, and playing separately is terrifying to me. Well, 6 months later and clearly the action we’ve had isn’t enough. He wants my blessing to fuck whomever he chooses, whenever he wants. He needs more variety in his life, especially since we don’t live together yet. On one hand, I get it. It’s who he is, and he never pretended to be anyone else. He has time on his hands when I’m home with the kids. On the other hand, I feel gutted and blindsided. Aren’t you only supposed to move as fast as the slower partner? He says he’s tired of waiting and wants to live his life. Make no mistake, this man loves me. He just has very clear lines when it comes to the LS, and has no issue whatsoever clarifying between love and sex. He said a few things last night (via text, ugh) that make perfect sense to me- such as... “If you weren’t with me, would you not ever have sex? Of course you would. So why give up the one you love, for sex, then have the same without your love. I don’t understand!” “How about I am happy to support you in whatever you want to do. I will trust in the fact that you will have me in mind” “I refuse to live someone else’s life. I know what I want, and I know we are sound in our love respect and commitment” “You don’t have to make me happy, you only have to be happy seeing me happy.“ So why am I so filled with fear? Why can’t I just be okay sending him off to stranger sex and get over it? Why does it feel like the end of us? I had no issues with watching him fuck another woman when I was there, in fact it was hot as hell, so what’s the problem? Well, obviously the fact that I’m just not comfortable with it. Does that make me a controlling cunt? I feel it’s carving out my boundaries, which I have every right to have. He simply doesn’t agree with them, or want to ‘adhere’ to them anymore. So where does that leave us? Do I bend to his will, or are we done for?

Whew! I'm so grateful for all of your posts, as I learned so much leading up to our first time. All I can say is, what on earth took me so long!? My partner and I are a relatively new couple, only 4 years in, but we've known each other on and off since we were children. He has been in the lifestyle for 20 years, but has been monogamish with me since we've been together. It became very clear, very early on, that he would prefer for us to have a sexually diverse future together. Having just come out of a poly marriage, I was hesitant. I mean, I had every excuse in the book. I had no interest in another cock, I had no interest in eating pussy, I was slightly terrified that it would tear us apart like it did my marriage, that I couldn't handle it, that my cellulite is gross, that we were too early on in our relationship, that we would contract some horrific STD, that I would burst into tears mid-fuckery...all of it. We're so spoiled rotten with the hot sex that we have daily, why, WHYYYY did we need to do this!? He gently listened through all the freakouts, while still encouraging me to manage our AFF account and 'just talk to people'. So in the end, it was me who ended up making the plans. Smart man, keeping his ass in line so nothing could come back on him if it went poorly~ ha! We live in a very small town, with no clubs available, so we ended up planning a weekend at a hotel with perfect strangers. While they were lovely, it did not exactly go smoothly~ an unexpected STD reveal, the dreaded ED, and my not being terribly attracted to the guy even though he was super sweet, intelligent and attractive. That said, it was hot. Having someone have sex on the same bed as us, us women playing, and quite frankly, to see my man with another woman was out of control sexy. To add all sorts of whipped cream on top, the woman joined us on her own the following day which was...oh my. Anywho~ what I learned is this. I am desperately in love with this man, and he is hopelessly in love with me. Now that we have officially begun swinging, I can say with the utmost certainty that we are even stronger. To be able to express our desires without fear, to push past hurdles with clear communication, and to truly be on the same team is so fucking cool. I felt so cared for during our time with this other couple. His glances at me, checking in. The squeeze of my hand while he was passionately kissing another woman...and oh dear god the sex we've had for days afterwards. I'm sure there are all sorts of nightmare stories, and we are lucky to have had a great first experience. I do have to say, I am damn proud of myself for deciding to jump in. It has awoken a part of me that I didn't realize existed. It has enriched my relationship with my partner, and opened up a whole new world of passion and desire. Because hell if any of us should deny ourselves conscious and respectful pleasure. The only reason not to, is fear. Fuck fear.

Agreatguy- thank you so much for your perspective. You’ve put into words so succinctly much of what Tom has described/explained over the years, and it truly helps to hear it from someone else. A follow up- as soon as it became clear that I was not true to my words to ‘go ahead’, he put the brakes on and assured me it’s no longer an issue. To which I now feel like an asshole...because what is it that I’m concerned about? That he’ll fall in love with someone else? No. That he’ll decide he wants to be single again? No. So what? Why am I so inherently possessive of him? I had zero issues with sharing my husband of 15 years. Only compersion. Perhaps it’s the primacy issue, and perhaps it’s due to the poly disaster that ended my marriage. Time will tell, but I so appreciate everyone’s insight!

Thanks so much for your replies. No worries at all, Introvert. It helps immensely to hear other’s stories. I’m sorry you’re struggling. Sucks that he worded it as such that he’s not ‘satisfied’, as I’m sure hurting you wasn’t his intention. What I learned in poly is not that we are not enough, it is simply that we can’t be expected to provide and BE everything to one person. The author Esther Perel has a great Ted Talk that explains the theory of why people cheat, that’s quite enlightening. We are the lucky ones, to have an open dialogue with our spouses on the topic. Perhaps your husband needs a lesson in how to present things, because beauty- you are definitely enough. Alexandsandra- yup. You’re right, I am the problem. Swinging wildly between ‘go, be free, do you!’ to ‘no, just say no, I’m all you need, just fuck me more!’ It’s childish and terribly confusing for him. I’m working on it. As he told me last night, I need to just take my mind out of it. It’s sex, nothing more. I am trying to believe him when he says there is no emotion in it for him. What a fucking robot. But I do know him to be a very tough cookie to crack, and he lets very few people ‘in’. He loves to please, he loves to provide pleasure, he loves feeling good at something (who doesn’t). I guess I just need to jump in. Sawman- I appreciate your idea, but choosing a playmate is a hard no for me. Far too close to poly for my comfort level. This has to be about pure fuckery, or it won’t work for me at this time in my life. As 1999 thoughtfully mentioned, the primacy aspect of our relationship is still so shaky. I feel it, I know it, but there are so many factors still at play that create a feeling of instability regardless of our commitment to one another. Your original reaction of deciding to be present is likely the best one for us. Well, the best for me. How selfish of me, really. Sigh...

My guy and I have been together for 3 years. I was married when we reconnected, and as a result, my ex and I decided to try on polyamory. Long story short, my marriage ended (amicably) and Tom and I stayed together. Backstory- Tom and I had a delicious summer together 20 years ago, and then only reconnected via FB, so when we ended up in the same town it was explosive. From Day 1, I knew what he believed and how he was built. Sex is something to celebrate. It’s natural. We are programmed to believe that it’s wrong to desire others, that it should be sacred between two people, etc. At the time, that was so exciting and refreshing- because I was happily married! All I wanted from him was sex, and there was to be no ‘escalator’ in our relationship, so what did I care who or when he fucked someone else. Well, here it is biting me in the ass. It’s been just the two of us for a little over a year. He has slept with 2 other women over the 3 years we’ve been together, and I’ve reacted terribly (even though I supported it at the time). I find it to be utterly gut wrenching. That said, I am incredibly sexual- I love to fuck and play, and I’m not at all opposed to him being with another woman if I’m involved. Once we established that, we got on AFF, went to a club, etc...but due to where we live (very small town), we need to rely on when we’re out of town to play which decreases our opportunities for sure. I also am not sure I’m interested in another man (though he certainly is not opposed to it), which we all know how easy it is to find another woman only to play... Long back story short, we’ve not had any experiences as a couple as of yet. He just left to visit his family in the US, and is messaging couples to have a night. I gave him ‘permission’, but it wasn’t because I am genuinely okay with it- moreso so I can stop hearing about it and just encourage him to be who he is. But am I doing myself a massive disservice? Are we just not suited? Fucking other people destroyed my marriage. I’m just not as willing to try that again so quickly. I get that swinging is far different than poly, but I suppose it bothers me that he went ahead and started messaging people without discussing boundaries with me- or even asking how I really feel about it. I also often wonder if these experiences are more about self worth and confidence boosters as opposed to about the sexual experience itself? He is beautifully hung, and is hands down the best lover I’ve ever had- and he knows it (without being arrogant). I know giving women pleasure is something he prides himself on...so... This man loves me. He is committed to a future together. There are children involved. I am not being played, nor would he ever want to disrespect or hurt me. But he doesn’t believe in ownership. All of which I know in my bones, and squashing who he is does not appeal to me. It just occurs to me that if he was so versed in the LS that he would be a better communicator about it?? Do I just choose not to be upset and let him live his life? Or am I right to be upset that this went from playing as a couple, to him jumping on the opportunity to go it alone after one flippant comment by me to ‘go ahead’?