Okay, this is a long one so hold on. I haven't found anywhere else that seems appropriate for help, advise, etc, other than here. I fear that if you jump through this, you may miss some important parts as like most situations, its complex and as it seems in the beggining. So here we go.
My wife and I have been together for over 20 years. Yes. We are flukes that fell in love right out of high school.
As expected, in the last 5 or so years our sex life has been... lacking spark. The shitty thing is I shouldn't complain. We have sex on average of every other day that she is not visited by aunt flow. I know this far surpasses the average couple our age and duration of marriage.
Yet dispite being so lucky, there is still an insainly noticable decrease over what it once was. It's not just the frequency, but the attitude behind it. It used to be that I was awakened by her sucking or mounting my morning wood, but now I feel like I am typically the initiator. She rarely denies me, but there have been so many times that its what I call the cheese burger effect. I'm hoping for a great steak as was served in the past of moans, eager desire, multiple positions, places, etc. She provides my a doggy style quicky or an odd laying down position while watching porn together.
MY PAST: There's no denying it. I'm broken. I told my wife this before we ever got married. My first time was knowly as boyfriend #2. That lasted over a year.
I then had an ex of a year and a half who (unknowing by me until the end) had cheated on me with over 10 guys. That same ex got drunk with me half way through the relationship. We had some friends over as usual and she was wired as usual. She took me into the bedroom. We were so drunk I fell off the bed on the floor where she proceeded to do me doggy. Shortly after we started my buddy came in, also drunk and fell down on the floor infront of us as he tripped on the flashing in the doorway. "You can if you want." I said to her, slamming her from behind. That's all it took and she pounced, unzipping his pants and sucking his cock as I finished from behind. This didn't screw up our relationship. It was exciting and fun. I would gladly do that any day. The excitement in her made it amazing.
It was her cheating and sleeping with other guys without me that ended the relationship. There's a different feeling associated with that. One of being excluded, not good enough, and overall... cheated on.
Then a few in between until I met my beloved wife.
MARRITAL ISSUES:
To say we have had "the perfect marriage" would be a lie. Mostly my fault. I have been an ass on too many occasions. I know why so many women who marry men in their late 30s and beyond say that they married "the perfect guy". It because that guy had lots of experiences fucking up with previous girlfriends and/or wives. Yet, for some unknown reason, my beloved never left me.
I have always hinted at her being with other men with me. We even watch gangbang porn to this day which wires her up immensely, even when she says it doesn't. I know. It's by the way she body reacts and the way she feels. I assume being the community this is, you too know exactly what I'm talking about. We know, even if their words say otherwise.
When I've tried to convince her in the past, she has always shot me down. This has even led to fights, then usually us fucking together to the naughty fantasy.
RECENTLY:
We are planning a week long vacation alone together in a few months; and as always the topic popped out of my mouth. This time it was met by a shocking response. She asked about an open marriage. She admitted that she always wanted others. She wanted to fuck as many cocks as possible and be the center of attention. You know, the typical she can go off and fuck anyone and me the same, but not together. The thought was intriguing. The thought of her fucking other men was so intense, I had a dripping permanent hard on for almost a week.
She was no better. As she flipped through the adds of horny guys on apps, she would get so arroused that she started masterbating again when I wasn't available... allot.
I thought that this would include me with her to some extent (no idea why), but I was wrong. One night while away for work she said on the phone she wanted to be alone with them and not include me at all. It was heartbreaking. The same kind of heartbreaking feeling that lead to my relationshipwith my ex deteriorating. Yet it kept my hardon raging. The very night it all hit and broke my heart I told my wife that her way would destroy our marriage. She then pulled the "her way or it all stops" card and called it all off saying our marriage was paramount, something we both agree on.
That same night after talking to me, knowing my pain, and calling it all off, she masterbated 3 times to the thought of fucking other cocks.
I myself masterbated to similar thoughts. My wife being a horny little slut, eagerly sucking and fucking others. It was the most conflicted feeling on earth. The pleasure side mixed with the agonizing pain.
After the conversation, dispite crush, taught me alot about myself. It taught me that I love a fucking slut. I love my wife being horny beyond belief. I want her above all others. I have no issue showing her off and letting others enjoy her, but only if I can as well.
Later we reopened the possibility and she asked if she could start right away while I was out of town. Of course I said absolutely not and told her truthfully, I don't care if she fucks everyone, as long as I am there to see it and able to reclaim her.
She seems to be teetering on the subject from not at all to maybe.
I am sexually broken I guess and from past experiences know I am now geared towards sharing my mate. But psycologicly I can't handle the thought of her not being with someone else other than me without me.
We both agree that our marriage is priority, so you would think that would be that? Thing is she does want other cocks, and I equally want her to have them... just not in the same way.
With all this in mind I question. Am I being selfish by insisting on her inclusion, or is she being selfish by saying her way or no way?
I wish I could give in to her desires. They are so close to my own, but as mentioned, I know myself, something few can say. I know how her way would destroy us, destroy me, but I want her happy.
Should I play it safe and watch both of us sulk no doing anything and watch my wife crawl back in her sexual shell?
Should I continue to try going my way a prey she never breaks off on her own.
Should I risk it all, cave, and more than likely end in divorce?
These are the thoughts that now haunt me in the night.
They say its all good as long as you both have clear defined rules you live by. So I don't think that my rule of inclusion is outrageous? Is she being selfish by going at it alone, or am I for insisting upon inclusion?
Thank you for bearing through all this.
