suwanee

I will pipe in now to add some clarification from my end of the situation. Swinging was not my idea, however he did bring it up before we got married. I have always said I was willing to try it and I never once told him no. I didn't say that it was something I could or couldn't do, because I couldn't make that determination until I tried. I am willing to give anything a try, so that's where it was. I do crave stability though, but I don't want anyone to assume what stability means to me. We talked about swinging for a year because he was very back and forth with the idea. He wanted to try it, then not, then again and not again. The back and forth was exhausting and I just wanted to get an experience out of the way to make that stop. Yes, I want stability, but it was not yet defined what "stability" looked like for us. The first experience, for me, was simply an experiment to see if we could handle it. Did I love it? No, but then again it was just the first experience. I wasn't attracted to the couple and I pushed through personally, because it appeared he was having a great time. It wasn't necessarily a turn-on for me, but it was also not the end of the world (and no, I got nowhere near an orgasm...I simply had my face on so I didn't ruin it for him). I didn't have the jealousy issues I thought I might have and was surprised about that. I was under the assumption that we would just try again, taking this experience and utilizing the very hard lessons in communication that we learned and moving forward much more slowly. Is it something I "want" to do? Not really, but I can do it, and that is a big step for me. I was content with the idea of moving forward to try and seek out a great experience for both of us. But his feelings have evolved into the contrary, and therein lies the problem. I am fine with trying nearly anything, or with him exploring what he needs to...as long as he takes me along on that journey. I am not cool, at this stage in our relationship, with going forward with anything separately. He has stopped all attempts to find couples we can hang out with to find a match, and yet I feel like it is "my fault" for holding him back, which I am most certainly not. I just wanted a slower pace, and a higher level of attention to our selection. So where do we go from here?

Your specific situation aside, I am glad to see that you are considering this, despite your more "grey" sexuality. I identify with that, as I am most certainly a demisexual. I have never really enjoyed, or prioritized anything concerning sex until I met my husband, who is the first one I have been able to open up to in that way and enjoy it. I have always been able to have sex, although it always felt more obligatory within the relationship, but I certainly could have lived without it and did, for many years. With my husband, that is not the case and I genuinely want it from him, which was a new feeling for me, but I know I could never get that again, at least without another 30 years of searching. When he brought up swinging, I went through the usual roller coaster of emotions, and it took some time for me. Not because I didn't like the idea or because our personal sex life was suffering (as it certainly wasn't), but because of my (rather extreme) demisexuality. I was even open to the idea of him playing, and me not playing, and being comfortable with the idea of finding a couple in which the male was in a similar "grey area". I didn't hate the idea that I could (for example) play scrabble with the husband while my husband played with his wife. I was mentally prepared for any possible scenario. Separating the emotional connection from sex is, what I thought, impossible. We had our first experience recently (it ended up an unintentionally soft one with a more negative (yet non-damaging) reaction from my husband than myself...surprisingly), but that aside, I viewed the experience as "being with my husband" and I found that I could separate it, with the knowledge that I was doing it with him...rather than seeing it as "doing it with the other guy". It was much easier than I thought. Because of this, it is important to note that being in same room was essential, as well as the ability to connect with and touch my husband, being he is the sole catalyst for my sex drive. Because of the strength of our relationship, the lack of jealousy that I was able to maintain, and my desire for him to have an amazing time, it went as well as I could expect on my end.