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Cdnhotwife

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About Cdnhotwife

  • Rank
    Just Getting Started
  • Birthday 03/17/1979

Personal Info

  • Relationship Status
    Couple
  • Location
    Newfoundland, Canada
  • Anniversary
    xx/xx/xxxx

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  1. LOL quite the statement to make to someone you don't know, someone who has given you a TINY WINDOW into her world, and who you've asked zero clarifying questions to. In addition to that, what a HORRIBLY terrible thing to suggest... marriage is hard work, but worthwhile work. We've had our ups and downs, but you know what? We've stayed - as love is a choice, first and foremost - and we're together forever because we want to be... good bad or ugly. Thank you to those of you who have taken the time to give advice. I truly appreciate it all. I think that I have discovered that this jealousy thing is merely a symptom to a bigger issue... and that is that sex is the ONLY way I know how to connect to my husband. We don't HAVE a deep emotional connection... because I am a VERY emotionally charged person, and he is my polar opposite. This is something him and I need to work through - and in the meantime, if sex IS the only way we can connect - then we won't be giving that away to anyone else. Thanks again for the insight folks...
  2. I am very self aware. I *know* that the way I feel is irrational, and I KNOW that it's wrong. I know it's MY issues causing this, and I don't for a moment try to blame my husband. We do talk about everything openly... being part of the lifestyle has added to our communication tenfold. He knows how I feel. He knows that in the past, he's fucked up. He knows I don't enjoy watching him with another woman. But I *used* to. So am I just hanging onto past shit? Is that my problem? Honestly... we didn't swing or play at all for about 3 years and so I didn't have to face this stuff... and when we started back up again, it was to the PARTY scene, which let me tell you is a whole NEW dynamic..... I am wondering if I'm expecting too much of myself. Seriously - our approach to swinging is completely different now than it was. And let's face it, I'm a woman so when I get emotional, I tend to over-analyze things and make mountains out of molehills. I can ADMIT that, and do - freely. I am not perfect. I am trying VERY hard to overcome these challenges... because while my husband doesn't DESIRE other women in that way - he does enjoy fucking them, having them get excited at his cock, having them say OW (haha, he's the biggest in this swingers group). And honestly, I think THAT is part of it, too... he gets *A LOT* of attention. Now... I'm a very attractive woman, and I get a lot of attention too -- but i'm not used to HIM being the one to get the attention. He has this new found confidence, and instead of being happy and beaming with pride at all the women swooning over the cock that I get to take home EVERY night with me -- I let it make me into a green eyed monster. This is not someone I want to be. This is not a way I wish to feel. If anyone has any suggestions as to how the hell I should best approach this, to find a way THROUGH this, so my husband and I can both enjoy this - please enlighten me. We did at one time, and I know we can again... I just need to let go of whatever I'm holding onto. I have ZERO reason to be insecure. My husband loves me to the moon and back. We have a WONDERFUL marriage, a wonderful life together - two amazing children, FANTASTIC sex between the two of us... passion, devotion, admiration --- So seriously, what the hell is my problem? LOL.... sigh.... I won't give up on this until I figure it out. Again, woman obsessing thing... (i hate being a woman sometimes!!!)
  3. I am struggling on such a SIGNIFICANT level with jealousy. Yes, jealousy. It's so ridiculous to me. Let me give you the background... Our first sexual experience was 10yrs ago. Another man came over and shared me. It was INCREDIBLE. I am a very sensual being, and I love sex. After that, we dabbled in swinging. For his 30th birthday, I arranged for us to fuck another couple. Her and I played (LOVE women), and then the men played with each other's women. I never felt jealous. I loved it. In about 2006, we played with a couple we had played with many times before - and had become good friends with. Cept this time, it was a disaster. Mr.Cdnhotwife and I started out together... then basically he fucked the shit out of her while I lay there with other dude's finger up my ass. I felt abandoned. I specifically asked my honey to change things up, and that I wanted him to fuck me. So we moved around, and he told me to wait a second, and then fucked her again - this time to completion. When my husband comes, that's it for a long time. So the couple went home. I cried and cried. I was SO hurt. We stopped swinging for a long time after that - well, about two years. Then, I once again began to crave the attention and desire. Hubby and i were struggling to connect on an emotional level. And I started getting attention from one of our neighbours. We flirted, but nothing more. One night, this neighbour came to a concert with me. We had dinner and drinks first, and then went to see the bands. During one of the songs, he kissed me - and I kissed him back. HARD. It didn't go further. But the raw attraction was there. I then hid this from my husband. I didn't tell him. And I began to sneak around seeking time with the neighbour. I felt awful and yucky, but the attention was like a drug... I needed another fix. Eventually, this came to a head. The neighbour started pressuring me to sleep with him, and I wouldn't do that to my husband. I LOVE my husband and don't want to be with anyone else. But, hubby was driven nuts with fits of jealousy and needing to understand why I was hiding this stuff... so he confronted me. It was ugly. We yelled and screamed and cried. BUT we got through that. In essense, it was an emotional affair. And hubby told me he would've rather I fucked him - it wouldn't hurt so much. So now the hurt scale was equal. NO I didn't do it to even the playing field. I don't know why I hid it... i wanted that attention to continue and would've loved to have fucked our neighbour... but I didn't think hubby would be ok with it. Turns out I should've just asked... So here we are, after all these years -- and we're playing again. We'd reopened our AFF account, and began looking. We were living in a new place, and had no idea what was out there. During that time, I found THIS forum. I had gone to another province to visit my parents, and Mr.Cdnhotwife and I missed each other terribly. We masturbated on FaceTime with each other, etc... but after 5wks I was beside myself with sexual desire. As was HE! He encouraged me to use our AFF profile to find a man to fuck me where I was. It was SUCH a rush. I had 3 hotwife experinces in the span of a week with the same FB. Hubby was exhilerated!! As was I And when I got home, our sex life was incredible. Renewed. Our communication much more open. And so began our experiences, again, with swinging. Hubby wanted to play too. I would love NOTHING more than for us to be the exact definition of a hotwife couple - but it's not going to happen. Hubby, too, has a sense of confidence that comes from playing. He now sees what I see, through the eyes of other women. He is sexy as hell. Has an above average sized cock which makes other women excited. He's GOOD at sex... he is amazing. We played with a single guy a while back... and for the most part I played with the other guy while hubby watched, and made video. He told him to fuck me. We loved it. We have recently become involved in a swinging GROUP. They hold parties once a month... we've now been to 3. (I have not had one HW experience since my time in Saskatchewan.) The first party was a mess. Sure - we both fucked other people. But hubby stayed with ONE woman for way too long. I got up and left the hot tub and they were STILL together. Other's commented on the length of time. Then... he disappeared into a back room and I didn't know where he was, who he was with or what they were doing. My mind was reeling... and I cried all the way home. I cried when we talked about it for two days. But we talked through my concerns and said it'd be different next time. The second party was different. I had my period so I wasn't playing. Hubby wasn't gonna play either - but this nagging feeling of guilt crept in and I suddenly felt like I needed to let him play - why shouldn't he be allowed just because i couldn't. So, he did. He stayed near me so I could watch him. But suddenly the woman he was with for a LONG time the last party -- was at his side, cuddling him non stop. Then they were kissing in the hot tub -- without fucking. And my heart broke. Again we talked and resolved my concerns. honestly, I didn't want him to play with another woman again. But knew I couldn't ask that of him. I needed to push myself. He doesn't impose limits on me, so what the hell kind of a woman am I to impose limits on him? I am not insecure in our relationship - so why jealousy? The last party was this past weekend. He and I played together with a couple, and then I played solo with two men - and hubby didn't play with anyone else. Problem is, people are already avoiding hubby because of me. We've agreed to stop everything until we figure this out. WHY on earth am I so jealous???? WHY do I not only not enjoy watching him with others, but am completely heart broken by it? And honestly, it makes me NOT want to participate in HWing, because if he cannot, then neither should I... Sigh - I don't know how to fix this, but I'm left feeling stupid Any insight would be great. Thanks in advance.
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