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drinnt

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drinnt last won the day on May 12 2013

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About drinnt

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    100 Posts Club
  • Birthday 09/18/1972

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  • Relationship Status
    M.Male
  • Location
    Maine
  • Swinging Experience
    Since 2004
  • Anniversary
    xx/xx/xxxx

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  1. THAT must be an amazing feeling! My wife and I are 6 months into what has become and exclusive polyamorous relationship. They have a family and kids and discretion is important to them. We have no kids and frankly would LOVE my family and friends to know so we could have our lovers around and involved in our extended "non secret" lives. Our family and friends KNOW about our lover couple but they think they are vanilla friends...maybe they suspect something but it's never discussed. I just think it would be an amazing feeling to be OUT with it.
  2. The Mrs and I shoot for situations where we are both happy with the circumstances. That varies. Our happiness is up to US and what will bring about that happiness will be different depending on whats going on. There have been many situations over the years and the one thing we learned that took a while to learn is that finding a situation where we both had EQUAL situations is impossible. But finding situations where we can both be equally HAPPY with what we are doing...that is much more attainable. In fact...I've seen it self-moderate where she was having way more sex than I was with a couple and I was enjoying watching but she wasn't happy...she wanted to see me having more play fun. So we CHASED THE FEELING OF MUTUAL HAPPINESS, not the logistics of "you got A and I got B". She was actually sad I was not having as much fun even when I told her I was having a great time relaxing and watching her go. So chasing circumstances is going to lead to a whole host of confusion. Now we simply seek to be HAPPY with what we are doing. In the end, if we're not both HAPPY then no ratio is going to matter.
  3. I don't know how relevant this will be because we totally avoid open play areas for this exact reason. When I'm in my happy place I cannot at the same time play police man, neither can my wife. We're either in "looking out mode" or "horny mode". If any situation we are in requires us to become a look out it kills the horny. However I will say something relevant. My wife gets "sex drunk". There is a point in playing with people we ARE comfortable with in a setting we ARE comfortable IN where she can sometimes get on a roll. I have seen her cross some boundaries in those moments. Over the years we got better and better at addressing them in the moment by gently nudging them back in the direction we wanted. So the "sex drunk" thing is 100% understandable. I do not experience it...I'll get "blinders" but I'm always aware of what I'm doing. If I am about to go overboard I'm WELL AWARE of the repercussions and if I push too far over that line the "inner cop" sneaks in and I will lose arousal. There is a fine line between getting off on pushing the boundaries and knowing you've gone or are about to cross them and have negative consequences. I guess I've been conditioned too well.
  4. Yes...something I have come to dub as "Shallow Hal Syndrome" referencing a movie and also HIGHLY appropriate in this lifestyle. Get the Mrs. to a nude resort. That will cure ANY mis-perceptions. When you see just how "ordinary" or even "not so hot" the hottest clothed girl in the room looks when she's nude it certainly does wonders to reset the ole perception meter. Plus just to hang out with people of all different shapes and sizes you get to see people out from behind the "screen of pretentiousness" (mostly) and not too long after you realize that we spend way too much time hiding behind our facades. Hotness is not clothing or even skin deep. It's to the core.
  5. I went into swinging with what I feel now is a "novice" point of view of "what's the point of doing this unless I do it with someone who is younger and hotter or at least as hot as my wife?" So I spent the better part of 10 years ONLY entertaining situations where the female fit that bill. Well, as you can imagine it limited my opportunity to find a genuine connection significantly. Here's the thing. Over the years and through many various trials and errors I found that my body didn't quite give a fuck what the person looked like and found myself facing a great many lovely women with nothing but my awkward smile to share with them. SOMETHING was missing...even though I thought I SHOULD be into them...I wasn't REALLY in to THEM. Eventually...by dumb luck...a few happenstance encounters led me to some amazing conversations with some women that were...let's just say...not girls I would have picked out of a line up by looks alone. Those turned out to be some of the most amazing connections I ever had and chemistry was off the charts good. I was at first ASTOUNDED that everything was working so well, and hence so much more enjoyable, with these girls that had all sorts of "flaws" or maybe a few extra pounds, or were 10 years older, or had nursed 2 children, or had gone through tummy tucks and bore the scars, etc, etc, etc... So now...after 11 years in the lifestyle we are 6 months in to an amazing exclusive relationship with a couple that's 15 years older than us...and we're 37 and 40! They are in GREAT shape for their ages and at the same time they are still mid 50s. Blows my mind. But we are head over heels and NEVER felt such an incredible attraction. Sex is off the charts...chemistry is unchartable. So DON'T limit yourself. DON'T judge yourself. Just go out, meet people, be open and TRUST that when things are right you will know it and nothing else will matter...because however you feel about your doubts and fears...you'll want what you will find more than you will care about letting those doubts or fears hold you back. It won't happen over night, but if you put yourself out there it will happen in your own good time.
  6. YES there are "steps" you can take to protect your relationship in swinging. Much of this thread is about keeping a marriage / relationship working and about it being hard work or not work. As I read the OP and all the subsequent posts there are two distinctions. First - a relationship / marriage is one distinction. The effort that takes is both relative to the people involved and required for that relationship to exist. Second - taking that marriage INTO swinging requires a whole other level of "work" or effort which will again be relative to the people involved and also required for that marriage to function WHILE SWINGING. Two totally separate issues. I've seen PLENTY of dysfunctional relationships in swinging. To be functional AND functional while swinging takes two distinctly different levels of relationship maintenance. So YES there are steps that MUST be taken to BE IN A MARRIAGE WHILE SWINGING. I won't say "protect from swinging"...but BE IN A MARRIAGE WHILE SWINGING is far more applicable from my POV. The second OP question is about steps I/we take to keep our marriage, the marriage that we take into swinging, strong while swinging. The steps we have learned over the years are: Communicate about every single emotion and expectation we have about how we feel about our experiences before and after we have them Share our desires for our experiences and choose experiences that we BOTH are comfortable with Put each other's comfort FIRST while engaged in our swinging situations making sure we only do things we KNOW our spouse would be comfortable with Agree ahead of time about how we spend our non-swinging time especially if we are engaged with a couple that can take up our time during our personal lives texting or talking - MAKE SURE WE ALWAYS PUT OUR SPOUSES FIRST Step up our "game" in our marriage and be EXTRA loving and EXTRA sensitive and EXTRA giving to each other than we would be if we were NOT swinging - and doing this at all times Keeping PERSPECTIVE on our relationships with partners. We as a couple are comfortable diving pretty deep emotionally with another couple which can be tricky so for us, we do so while remaining in perspective about our primary relationship at all times
  7. Great topic! I find that people who had this restriction that I knew it was all about compartmentalization for them. Like some how if there was no kissing then they could "deal" with the intimacy of everything else. There was one girl I knew for a while that told me all the time kissing was for her sweetie and that other stuff was okay. Well, as I got to know her over time we got closer and one night at a club we found ourselves kissing. We had never played prior to that. That was weird for me because after what she told me I had to ask myself was she now falling in love with me? I knew she was not but clearly what happened was that she accepted me and grew comfortable enough with me to trust me past her boundaries. So I have come to realize that the no kissing thing is just people being people and working to protect themselves from what they consider a threat of some sort. People are just doing what they have to do for themselves to deal with the intensity of these experiences. I could never swing without kissing, for me the chemistry is in the kiss. I don't care about having sex with anyone unless I have that mind blowing kiss me now chemistry. I'm not everyone and clearly I'm not FOR everyone so like these folks that don't kiss I stick to playing with those who work for me and my turn ons..
  8. I can only speak of the perspective of the couple COMING INTO A HOUSE with kids. I cannot speak from the standpoint of the parents. If the parents are okay with it we are okay with it. If the parents have reservations then we would pick up on that and ANY source of reservations can fuck up a sexy vibe. So if the parents are okay with it...and the other couple is REALLY into them...then I say go for it. Parents that choose to play with their kids in the house are making their own life choice...if a couple likes them enough and have no moral reservations then they will not be bothered by the kids being in the house. That's my perspective and certainly not to say that everyone should feel that way. I know a lot of people have baseline objections to this scenario out of the gate. For the sake of the parents originally posting...there are couples who won't give it a second thought...so just take care of what you need to for you as a parent. If a couple accepts coming into your house to play...then accept their accepting it and have fun.
  9. Sure there are. In the Maine area Sinz has a lot of younger couples. There's actually quite a few groups in New England (for example) that are just for younger swingers. Though 40-50 seems to be the average age the 30's is really making quite a showing these days. A month ago we met 3 couples in their early 30's that were ready to go. Start checking out SLS and going to local parties, clubs and meeting people. Took us about a month of going every week to plug in. We've since unplugged after finding an amazing couple we're now exclusive with but for the folks who are looking to make several connections there's tons going on.
  10. My wife and I have been in this situation where a couple we were over the moon about had kids. We had NO PROBLEMS playing with their kids in the house...mostly because THEY had no problems. The situation was secure and they were comfortable managing it - so we were comfortable trusting them and after all it's THEIR choice. It really goes to show that if a couple likes you enough they will be willing to make any rationalization necessary to be with you (within some reason of course).
  11. DO NOT SEND HIM OUT ON HIS OWN to "prove his manhood". His manhood is JUST FINE. I go through this all the time. He just needs to accept that his emotions are closely tied to his sex response. Only TIME, EXPERIENCE AND A TON OF HONEST INTROSPECTION AND COMMUNICATION can get him anywhere. He needs to sort through what is coming up for him...honestly. Falling back on his love for you is sweet and awesome. It's also safe and unrelated. I did the same thing once. I was dead wrong. I can love my wife more than myself and still have enough attraction / love for another girl to swap. He needs to understand that this is COMMON AND NORMAL. Nothing is wrong with him. My advise from the issue I still deal with...accept it and only do what he's comfortable with. THERE'S A HUGE DIFFERENCE having sex with someone you WANT to fuck and someone you think you SHOULD BE ABLE TO FUCK. Just because I think a girl is HOT does not mean I will have chemistry. Trust me, there are tons of hot chicks I have no interest in and it stinks at times...especially when the ones I want to fuck are in relationships that are a challenge to swinging or they have issues...or my wife isn't into the guy. I have acknowledged that I need a particular chemistry to proceed sexually. Even then there is no guaranty but at least all people involved have a good time regardless of what happens with my cock. He needs to get to the heart of what's up for him...and then if he chooses to proceed sexually he needs to just relax and watch. It may take him a while to get into the scene. Sometimes I get hard right away, then when things get serious it takes me 20-30 minutes to get hard enough to fuck...then I'll fuck all night. Everyone has their threshholds...just because he's one way with you does not mean his body will respond the same way during group sex. It takes something different to flip everyone's switch. I argue against erectile drugs if he's fine with you alone. If it's not physiological then don't risk further physical harm by introducing drugs.
  12. Yeah D&D you and I share some parallels on this topic for sure. Wifey and I have long discussed the virtues and drawbacks of the "one off". Like you said, I too find a "one off" very satisfying when there is chemistry. It's like throwing a match on a fire pit pre-soaked with gasoline. Unfortunately my wife really needs that "connection" to make her satisfaction curve. Otherwise she just doesn't feel right. So, for us really...it's FWB AND Chemistry...or nothing. The most important thing right now is that my wife and I are on the same page with what WE want for US. We want us BOTH to be happy...because we enjoy seeing the other person happy. Ironically with our long-time friends...I don't have great chemistry with my swappee and my wife and the other hubby do. But this year when I found a common ground with our long time friends and opened up a door for us all to at least enjoy playing accepting that the chemistry is not going to be the same and that's "okay" then my wife ended up coming away from the situation less than satisfied. I was like, "what do you mean, you were free to enjoy the hell out of yourself." Her reply, "yeah, and that was nice...but it's no fun watching you knowing that you aren't that into it...I want to find a couple that we are BOTH into it!" LOL So one step forward, two to the side, 1/2 back and spin in a circle a couple times. LOL The Lifestyle Dance continues. One a side note - the inspiration for this original thread has taken an interesting turn. The couple we met in 2013 that we've been spending time with...just got a little weird. On your point of communication, I am left with my wife...pretty much in a holding pattern. Since you mentioned communication I will share the experience, as it is a case study in exactly the phenomenon you stated. An ironic lack of communication. So this couple we met, originally just the girls exchanged numbers. Shortly after meeting a couple times and having some same-room to establish chemistry at a distance we all exchanged numbers. We asked them their texting rules and they said other than being very busy and unable to answer much of the work day, there were no rules. They have no kids but both work. Two weeks later we had been texting up a storm back and forth, all four of us. One weekend after playing the other gal tells my wife it's hard for them to keep up with us texting, we are very social and they liked it but feel it's hard keeping up. We told them no need to keep up, we can just not text as much. They said it was fine but to just be aware they were often distracted and not take it personally. A week or so goes by and we're all still texting, we let them initiate most of the time because we don't wanna push but when they do we reply with enthusiasm. Another week and the other gal stops by our house on her way home for a drink, just to hang and chat about her day, etc...a friendly platonic visit. A little uncharacteristic of her by her own introvert description but also great to see her comfort level rising. The next night ask if we wanna meet, we say sure where? They say anywhere. We said we had dinner in the oven so hard to leave but the could come down...no reply for 45 minutes. It's like 8pm. I said back so whats up? After 15 minutes the dude calls my wife cuz the gal doesn't like talking on the phone??? He says that tomorrow might work better to get together. We say ok. At this point feeling jerked around but okay, not making it mean anything. 15 minutes later we get a text asking if we wanna meet for a drink anyway? We met. My wife was feeling so out of place that she and the guy had a hard time connecting, she felt it was forced. The girl was of course all over me, had us sit separately and it was a bit of a struggle but we got through it no problem. We leave with loose plans to get together the next day. My wife is super upset, not at me, but feeling like somehow the guy isn't interested or is doing this for his wife. We of course acknowledge that these are her FEARS from the past and decide that the next day if we see them she should talk to the guy about her feelings and let them go. So we get to their house and ask if my wife can take a few minutes to talk to the guy and the girl and I can go for a walk...they say yes but the other wife shares on our walk that she is upset...she feels like we're trying to come between them. I explain that my wife is taking some time to let her fears of the past go so that everyone can be free of what might be in their way...as up to this point we all had talked openly about the fact that both my wife and the dude might be struggling a little. This was a chance to put that to bed so no one has to struggle. She accepts my reason and we talk more, acknowledging that this is a make it or break it moment. We get back, everyone together we talk. Everyone's fine but the other wife...she seems pissed. We gave them a few minutes to talk alone then they invited us to lunch. After 10 minutes or so the chemistry kicked back in at lunch and we were having a blast. Back to their house the other wife still seems withdrawn and openly admits she's perfectly fine but it was a lot for her emotionally and she just needs some "introvert time" to recharge but wants to keep hanging out if we can give her that mental space. We agree...the other guy, me and my wife are all getting along gang busters...like a serious cloud had been lifted. Just seems like the other gal did not like the power shift all that much and now felt out of sorts. Long story short...we ended up playing that night after THEIR invitation to do so. It was okay, not great...clearly still some stuff in the way...but afterwards there was a feeling of "that wasn't what it could be, but it was nice...looking forward to next time, its been a long day I cannot believe we actually played so that was great!" The next morning we're playfully texting them what we were doing around the house, sharing, etc...she texts us out of the blue that they need to take a little break and figure some stuff out that came up for them. It's been a week. We're giving them total radio silence to figure out whatever they need to as a couple...and IT SUCKS. I feel like a victim of a total double standard, I feel like the other girl is being a total hypocrit and quite frankly I'm pretty damn pissed that people act like they got their shit together when things are going their way...but when we need to actually put the rubber to the pavement and communicate...they retreated back to the safety of silence. I get that they are doing what they need to do for themselves...and quite frankly if they don't do that then nothing else CAN happen. It's just totally nuts that, as per your original point, the ONE THING WE NEED TO MAKE THINGS WORK IS COMMUNICATION...yet it's the LAST THING people seem to want to do.
  13. Hi D&D I have picked up something quite amazing from your post: I am a super expressive guy. I can get along with just about anybody but not just by tolerating them, by actually seeing things from their point of view and RELATING to them on THEIR terms. I think this has attracted a lot of women to me over the years...since I think they are into me and they are hot I would engage them and come up short on chemistry. Until your statement I have been wracking my brain about this!!! In RELATING to people on THEIR terms I am leaving no space for that person to get to experience ME as ME, rather they experience ME as the ME that is RELATING to them on THEIR terms. So they are getting a watered down version of themselves in my skin reflected back to them. This is some deep shit I know...but bear with me. So when a girl has connected with me in the past and I fell short on chemistry I see it was because the connection was inauthentic. Not only did they not know ME as ME but I didn't take the time to really get to know THEM to explore any chemistry. I was too busy processing things from their point of view IN ORDER TO RELATE back to them in a connective way. I was creating a fraudulent connection of course. It was great for them, but for me it was lacking substance as MY personality was suppressed. THAT SHIT WON'T FLY IN THE BEDROOM! My cock knows what I want and he only comes out when he gets it. Fast forward to late 2012 and 2013 and here is a me aware of how I have been relating to the world. Now approaching potential partners as ME I can see their genuine attraction for ME coming back and it turns me on TENFOLD more than a hot body in a tight outfit. WITH MYSELF OUT OF THE WAY I CAN FEEL THE CHEMISTRY...or not. Before I had no chance of feeling shit because I was TOO BUSY FABRICATING CHEMISTRY TO "BE LIKEABLE". Wow - what a total mind fuck! I will now answer your question: I get to know the person as myself. If I like them as a person - as who they are - and they seem to be responding well to me then I test the waters. Usually a kiss after a whole lot of incidental contact, maybe over several meetings. I put my whole self into the kiss, because...well...IT'S A FIRST KISS! First kisses tell me everything. I'm talking a make-out kiss here too, not just a good night peck. If after the kiss I get a little flutter below my stomach then I know there is chemistry. I would say it's kinda like a "falling for someone" feeling yet more controlled because well...I'm married so emotions must be managed. But IMHO I know there's chemistry if I can answer one question, and I know this may resonate with odd reverberations in the swinger world, but that question to determine if I have chemistry is..."could I fall in love with this girl?" If the answer is YES then I utilize the FUCK out of that chemistry...the rest is keeping emotions in check which for me is the easy part. D&D thanks man, you probably had no intention of blowing my mind with that post but I'm calling my wife right now to share what I realized!
  14. Hi SwingerSet and yes, come to find out, TRUE FWB is our ideal...for both my wife and I. We have new friends that we've known only a month now and the chemistry is so off the charts for the girl and I it's absolutely CRAZY. It's a real first for me and having seen my wife go through it we are both very excited I get to experience that. The girl and I have not full swapped yet but we both are openly looking forward to it and I'm totally psyched for it to happen! It's so good to be in a position of KNOWING things will be just fine no matter what. As we are learning the FWB is a totally unique relationship-set. There's some "middle ground" between people you FUCK and your FRIENDS. Friends are bonded through everyday stuff, can stay in touch a lot easier with fewer "threats" and generally mesh well with life. People you fuck are usually only in the picture when you are getting it on. Somewhere in the middle is the FWB relationship. You can get close...but not TOO CLOSE. Ideally we would love to have friends that we are OVER THE MOON ABOUT and also fucking and they feel the same. No threats, few boundaries and this is what we hope to build over time with our new friends. It's way too soon to see how well they are going to weather this new relationship...my wife and I are the more confident and aggressive "chasers" in this scenario. Have to be very careful to keep things in balance this early on. After writing all this I have to ask...why the fuck does anyone bother with the vanilla lifestyle? It's so boring!!! LOL
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